Without Words

by Stewart, Delancey

  “No, I’ll cope,” I said, pulling it back and covering her long slim fingers with my palm.

  “Is it helping?” she asked.

  I nodded. “I think so. But I need you to know I’m aware that I can’t just react. Like that day with the ladder… I’m so sorry if I scared you. I’m sorry I got so angry. That’s one of the things I’m working on.”

  She was nodding, encouraging me. But she was also leaning in closer, and I could smell the sweet scent of citrus coming from her hair, and a faint smell of baked cookies and cinnamon. It was hard to keep my mind on track.

  “And communicating in general. The speech and language therapist is helping.”

  “I’m so glad, Rob. It sounds like you’ve found a path forward, something that will make you happy. The work and the new place?”

  “And you,” I said, not really meaning to.

  She smiled and leaned forward even more, pressing her soft lips against mine. I wanted to grab her, pull her into me, and deepen the kiss, let my tongue show her all the ways I wanted to touch her later, when we were alone. But I let her take the lead. And she was tentative and teasing, her darting tongue tracing my bottom lip and then sweeping my mouth. She pulled my bottom lip between her own and sent a jolt straight to my cock as she bit me softly.

  “Jesus,” I moaned, pulling away to keep myself from hauling her onto my lap.

  “What about your family?” she asked then, a darkness passing through her bright eyes. Was she worried?

  “I’ll spend some time down there,” I told her. “More than I have in a while.”

  She was nodding and tracing her hand up and down my arm, over my tattoo, leaving little lines of electricity on my skin.

  “I never meant to abandon my family,” I said, thinking about the faces around the table that last night, feeling a flush of warmth as I thought about them all accepting me again as if I’d never been gone.

  “I’d love to go there some time,” she said softly, as if she might be asking too much.

  “I’d love to take you.” Imagining how my family would love her immediately. “But right now, I wonder if you’d like to see my new place?”

  She was standing, finishing her drink quickly and throwing money on the table like she couldn’t get out fast enough.

  “I got this.” I handed her money back to her and dropped my own bills, taking her hand and leading her outside and down the stairs.

  The ride to my cottage was a blur. It wasn’t nearly as nice as Trent’s place, but it was mine. The lack of furniture made the place look empty, but the only thing that mattered at the moment was that I had a bed.

  “What do you think?” I asked, once I’d gotten the door open and the light switched on.

  Dani glanced around. “Where’s Sampson?”

  “With Trent,” I said. “I have to go get him tomorrow.”

  She nodded and then a mischievous glint came into her eyes. She grinned and pulled me into the bedroom. “I like your bed,” she said, a wicked smile on her face. She climbed onto the brand new duvet, resting on her side against the pillows at the top, still smiling.

  I walked around to the edge and leaned in, kissing her gently as she tugged at my shirt, trying to pull me to her.

  “Should we take it slow?” I asked, wanting anything but.

  “No,” she growled, pulling me over her and pushing my shirt off over my head.

  I was only too happy to comply, helping her unfasten my belt and push my jeans and boxer briefs down, freeing the rock-hard erection I’d been struggling with all night.

  Her hand found me and I nearly lost it, relying on the Padres once again to get myself under control. As she gripped me, moving in firm strokes up and down my shaft, I managed to push her dress up around her hips, running a finger along the lace at the waist of her panties. She gripped harder, stroking faster and gasping as I lowered my hand and stroked her over the fabric, finding her soaking wet. I pushed the sopping fabric aside, sliding a finger along her seam, and her breaths came in little moans. When I massaged her hard center and then plunged two fingers into her, she cried out, making me harder than I thought possible.

  I rolled to the side and pulled a condom from my wallet, rolling it on in record time.

  “You sure you don’t want the gentle slow romantic version? That’s what I’d imagined,” I told her, my voice hoarse.

  “Definitely not,” she said, gripping me again and guiding me to her entrance. “I want the hard, fast, fucking amazing version,” she whispered, practically climbing me until the tip of my cock could feel the pulsing heat of her.

  She lay on her back, her wild hair around her on my pillow, and I pressed slowly into her, feeling every delicious, hot, wet inch as I slid into her depth. I pulled out and did it again, and again, pumping slowly at first and then gaining momentum as she began to cry out beneath me, her hands fisting my hair, my ass.

  “Harder!” she cried out.

  I couldn’t stop myself. I slammed into her, still trying to hold back, afraid to hurt her, but she was so wet and deep and perfect, it took everything I had.

  When she let herself go, shaking and trembling in my arms, and gripping and pulsing her release around me, I couldn’t hold on any longer. I thrust into her twice more, feeling myself release hard and long as I shuddered and finally collapsed onto my forearms above her.

  “Now you can do the gentle, slow romantic version,” she said after a moment had passed.

  I felt myself throb back to life at her words, and I did exactly as she requested.

  …

  I woke with the sun the following morning and lay still for over an hour watching Dani at my side. When she slept, her mouth sometimes formed a little O, and her forehead wrinkled and smoothed as dreams crossed the space behind her lids. Without Sampson home to demand a morning walk, I was free to stay in bed, and having time to just be near Dani was a gift.

  After a while, I couldn’t help myself, and I lifted a hand to smooth the wild strands of hair from her forehead, letting my fingers hold the soft silken tresses gently as I pushed them back. She smiled in her sleep, and then turned her head toward me, her eyes still closed.

  I kissed each of her eyelids and then dropped a soft kiss on her nose before gathering her warm sleeping form into my arms and burying my face in that mass of honey hair. Her arm slid around me and she nestled in closer to me and sighed. After a long moment her voice came from within the little cave our bodies had made in the warm sheets. The words were sleepy and thick, but they were clear.

  “I love you.”

  It was just a murmur, maybe an unconscious uttering. And after they’d slipped out of the beautiful girl in my arms, I wasn’t sure I’d actually heard them. My body stilled, as if I might hear them again if I stopped moving, kept perfectly quiet and still.

  But Dani was silent.

  I let those words wash around in my head, wondering if she knew she’d spoken them, wondering if they were really meant for me. I felt them as much as heard them, because I loved Dani. I just hadn’t found the courage to tell her yet, not after all the confusion I’d caused her. I wanted to show her first, and figured there would be time for words like these. But here they were, settling over us like a feather coming to rest after a fluttering drift through springtime air.

  Dani shifted finally, pulling her head back to look up at me. “I do, you know,” she said, her face clear and smooth, those bright eyes glossy from sleep. “I’ve known it for a long time. I tried to protect myself because I was so sure you’d leave, that you’d break my heart.” She paused, and my mind spun, amazement flooding me at the ease with which she was telling me this. I tightened my arms around her, unable to find any words to answer.

  “And when you did leave—kind of, I mean…that was when I knew it was already too late.” She smiled up at me, serenity in her face as she lifted a hand between us to trace my lips. “I love you, Rob.”

  I blinked hard, and pulled her nearer still, until there was
no room for anything between us except the words she’d just uttered, the feelings they’d planted in me that were now growing wildly, erupting and exploding inside and making it nearly impossible to think.

  “I love you, too,” I said, plucking the words one by one from within, feeling their truth as they dropped from my mouth. Once they were out, the air seemed to still, and I stared into Dani’s face. Her eyes flooded and her arm tightened around my waist. “God, I love you,” I said, my voice rough and strained as I finally closed my eyes and just held her to me.

  I hated that Dani thought I’d left her, that she thought I could ever leave her. The one thing I knew with certainty now was that she was an anchor for me—a tether to the things that mattered. It would take an act of God to force me from her side.

  “Can I make you breakfast?” I asked finally, loosening my grip on her only slightly.

  “I would love that,” she said. “But I have to get to the shop.” Her voice held regret, and I could see that she might like to stay in bed just as much as I would.

  “Are you happy?” I asked, kissing her cheek.

  Her smile grew wide. “Yes,” she said, and snuggled up against me, dropping little kisses over my neck and chest. Finally, she pulled away and sat up. “Are you?” she asked.

  I nodded and grinned, and she smiled in response and then slid out of bed, stumbling to the bathroom and turning on the water before I had a chance to form any actual words to tell her how ecstatically happy I was.

  I pulled on a pair of jeans, and rubbed my face, standing somewhat stunned in the center of my nearly empty room. Dani loved me. I loved her. The idea circled me like Sampson did when he was trying to get my attention.

  I must have stood there dumbstruck for a while, because suddenly Dani was in front of me again, dressed in her clothes from the night before. She kissed me gently and then said, “See you later.”

  “You walking?” I asked, grinning. She seemed to have forgotten that I’d driven the night before, that Amy took her car.

  She gave me a sheepish grin and ducked her head. “Will you take me home, Rob deRosa?”

  I loved hearing my name on her lips, and I kissed her again before grabbing a T-shirt and finding my flip-flops and car keys.

  The sunlight made us slightly awkward around each other, but there was something confident about the way Dani sprang up into my truck as I boosted her, and the way she jumped out at her house ten minutes later.

  “Can I visit you later at the shop?” I asked.

  “Please,” she said. As I watched her enter her house, I was happier than I had been in as long as I could remember.

  …

  I drove straight to Trent’s place, missing my big, shaggy friend, and wanting to talk to Trent, too. But just as I pulled into the alley at the foot of the beach, my cell phone rang. I pressed the interface on the radio to answer, and was surprised to hear a familiar voice on the other end. Teddy.

  “Rob,” he said, his voice terse and businesslike.

  “Teddy,” I returned, my spine straightening as I became immediately wary. Not much good had ever come from me talking to Mom’s husband.

  “I’ve got a proposition for you, son.”

  I tried to ignore the familiar term and keep an open mind. “Okay…”

  “We talked about you working for me again—”

  I cut him off. “Teddy, thanks, but I don’t think I want to be part of a construction crew at this point…”

  “Let me speak, Rob.”

  I pressed my lips together for a moment, squeezing my eyes shut to still my mind. “Go ahead.”

  “Danielle Hodge gave you a glowing reference last night at the wine shop. I saw the shelves, the table and chairs, and the other woodwork around the place. It was a step beyond what she needed—showed the mark of a real craftsman, someone who cared about their art and had the skill to back it up. She told me it was you.

  “She also told me you were easy to work with, fast, and smart.”

  I had no idea what to say. Teddy had never been complimentary to me before. I stared out the window of the truck at Trent’s glassy condo rising above the spot where I’d parked, and saw Sampson’s furry head appear at the window. Seeing my friend gave me a jolt of courage. “That’s very nice of you to say,” I managed.

  “I have a project I’d like you to consider,” Teddy continued. Over the next ten minutes he laid out a proposal—his construction company was handling a master-planned community of custom homes, and he needed a lead carpenter to head up the cabinetry, shelving, and other wood touches that the high-end buyers might want. It was a chance to be creative, to practice my skills, and to make enough money to easily support myself. Teddy was offering a position as an employee of his company instead of a contractor position, which meant benefits, too. It was a generous offer.

  “I appreciate you thinking of me,” I told him. “I’ll give it some thought.”

  I did think about it. I spent the day thinking about it and when I ran the idea past Dani when I visited her at the shop later, it was met with her trademark enthusiasm.

  “That sounds perfect,” she said, nearly leaping to hug me. “He saw how talented you really are and it made him put aside all the stupid preconceptions he had of you. Of course he wants you. Are you going to take it?”

  “Maybe I should ask for more money,” I said, pondering the offer before me.

  “I think you should just take it. It was a big deal for him to call you—if it goes well, you can always ask for more later,” she said. “It sounds like a generous offer as it is now.”

  “It’s more than I made at the station,” I admitted.

  Dani kissed me as if that sealed the deal, and I spent another hour at the shop eating too many pastries and watching her in her element, a warm glow spreading through my chest as the unfamiliar thought that my life was working out crept around my consciousness. That evening I called Teddy back and took the job, eager to begin the next phase of my life.

  Epilogue

  Dani

  In the months after the shop opened, I often got up with the sun to come in and bake for the morning crowd, which tended to favor coffee and muffins over wine and sandwiches. The business had exploded, and though the pace was unrelenting, I’d never been happier. Rob held a huge place in my heart, and the promise of his love—the confidence I had in that relationship—made me a calmer and more centered person overall. I guess that’s what love does for you.

  It was amazing really, how easily this revelation had come to me, once I’d allowed it to. Men don’t always leave, but if you expect them to, it’s a hell of a lot more likely to happen. I’d pushed Rob away to avoid the pain of him leaving me. And the result had been the exact pain I was trying to avoid. And it was awful.

  I wondered briefly if Ben had left for the same reason, if there was something I could take from what I’d learned in my most recent experiences with love and apply it to my past failures. But I hadn’t failed Ben or pushed him away. I hadn’t expected him to leave, I’d done the opposite. I’d trusted him with the full-hearted trust I was choosing to give Rob now.

  The difference was that I hadn’t chosen with Ben, because I hadn’t realized it was a choice. I’d been naive and inexperienced. And maybe that pain was a good thing in the end. Though I wouldn’t want to live it again, to endure the humiliation and suffering from when things had exploded with Ben, it made me appreciate so much more how sweet and incredible it could be to trust someone by choice. I realized now what an enormous leap of faith it was to choose to trust someone not to hurt you—and what a gift it was when someone chose to trust you the same way.

  The doorbell jangled out front as I pulled a tray of muffins from the small oven in the back of the shop, and I stuck my head around the kitchen entrance to see Rob and Sampson inside.

  “Hey,” I called. “Blueberry, fresh out of the oven.”

  Rob stopped by most days on his way in to work with Teddy. The job seemed to be going reall
y well, and Teddy had given him a huge amount of both responsibility and freedom. Rob had been back down to Mexico twice to help his brothers in recent months, and I’d even gone with him once to see the rolling vineyards where he’d grown up. His father had passed, as they’d known he would, and the family was adapting to a new normal. When the estate was settled, Antonio and Mateo had arranged things so that Rob could pitch in from his home here in San Diego. Though things didn’t always go smoothly, they all seemed to be adapting to working together, and Rob’s face glowed when he talked about his family.

  “Hey,” Rob said, stepping into the kitchen to give me a kiss, his laptop bag slung across his shoulder. I stepped into his arms, careful to hold the hot tray away from him, and he planted his lips on my forehead. I closed my eyes, feeling the heat course through me at the soft touch of his lips, keeping them closed just a beat longer once he’d stopped touching me. I opened my eyes to find him watching me, a small smile on his lips. “Love you,” he whispered.

  “Love you, too,” I said, unable to help the crazy grin that almost always accompanied those happy words. I passed him, moving to the counter to put the muffins into a serving dish on the counter.

  Rob took the muffin and coffee I had ready for him and turned to Sampson, who was waiting patiently by the door, sitting up and grinning at us, his tongue lolling out one side of his mouth. “Ready, boy?” he asked, and Sampson got to his feet.

  “Have a great day,” I said, missing him even as he was moving toward the door.

  “You, too.” He said as he reached the door and then turned back around. “Dinner tonight?”

  I nodded, feeling a warm glow radiating from my heart, spreading through my limbs.

  He stopped at the door and turned back around. “Oh, and Dani?”

  “Yeah?”

  “Call me when you find it.” He tossed the words out, and then turned and left, Sampson trotting at his side. My commitment to the daily routine was immediately replaced by a giddy excitement. Rob had gotten good at the game Amy and I played, but he usually didn’t tip me off. His gifts were always good, and I couldn’t wait to see what this one was.