“I’m in!” Piper got by Caleb’s side.
Nate held out his stick as an offering. “You break for good luck.”
“Uh-oh!” Caleb crowed. “What do you mean, good luck?”
Nate shook his head. “Nothing.” Then he took a long pull from his glass.
“No way. Couldn’t be.” Caleb studied Nate for a moment. “Oh man, you are so fucked.”
“What are you going to do? Run your mouth all night?”
“Take it back, Nate,” Caleb cautioned, but he was smiling devilishly.
“It can’t be taken back. You know that.”
“Oh my God, what are you two talking about?” Piper finally put in.
“It’s all about the superstition of the games.” Caleb put his arm around Piper, kissed her head then shook his head slowly back and forth making a tsk, tsk noise. “See, us riders choose our charmed talismans very carefully. But sometimes they choose us.”
“Okay, and?” I asked, making my way to the end of the table.
“You became my talisman,” Nate said plainly.
“I became your talisman? How?” I totally needed to know.
“Because of the conversation at the hotel last night about the rodeo, and then today scoring a perfect ride.” Nate shrugged his shoulders.
“Aww …” Caleb ruffled up Nate’s hair. “Did my bro find a shiny toy?”
“Watch it, smartass.” Nate smacked Caleb’s hand away.
“Oh I get it,” Piper said. “That’s cool. I’ve heard of plenty of worse kinds of good luck charms.” She started to laugh. “Like guys not changing their underwear until finals were over.”
“Ew!” I wrinkled my nose.
We all laughed, but I really didn’t want the pressure of being Nate’s talisman. If he rode badly, it would reflect on me. Then again, if he did well?
I broke the rack like my brother Josh had taught me and put two stripes in each corner.
“You might want to start ordering those shots so you have an excuse why your baby sister whipped your ass.” I winked at Caleb.
Nate and Piper laughed and Caleb rolled his eyes but smiled.
After two more clean shots, I missed, handing the table to Piper, who wasn’t as good at pool as Caleb would have liked, but I could tell he didn’t care. She was like warm, sweet maple syrup and he was a soft pad of butter. Every time she came near him, she touched him—a feather stroke to the arm, two fingers in the belt loops at his waist, a graze to the shoulder, a squeeze to his forearm—and he noticed each touch while constantly craving and watching for the next helping. And when she wasn’t touching him with her body, she was touching him with her eyes! A gaze one minute that read you’re the hottest guy in this room, another a moment later that looked like the two of them were sharing a very special secret.
She was good!
I looked over at Nate, who was taking his turn and nearly running the table. I could do what she was doing, I would have loved to do what she was doing. But I still hadn’t risen above friend status, and honestly even that was pretty shaky.
The cackle of drunken feminine laughter behind me caught my attention. It seemed like Charlie and Travis had found a harem, because they had more than three girls following them.
Now all the boys had their choice of flavors.
It took about a whole two seconds for these girls to size up the situation to see who was with who and who wasn’t with who. Then each girl orbited in the vicinity of the guy she was most attracted to. Of course, Piper’s claim on Caleb was totally evident, as was his commitment to her, but Nate was clearly fair game for the lot of them.
I was so screwed. With all the easy talisman talk, I had come back out from my little shell, and I was feeling the effects as three pretty sirens put him in their sights. They were dressed seductively, moved their bodies like Piper did, and seemed to be enjoying the challenge of drawing Nate into their net.
I worried my bottom lip and stepped back, partially to give Caleb a place at the table and partially to remove myself from the plot twist happening around me.
“Hey.” I jumped at the sound of Piper’s voice right next to me. She pushed her shoulder into mine. “What happened?” She looked at me with concern.
I didn’t trust myself enough to speak. Instead, I looked up at her, shrugged and shook my head, trying to appear nonchalant. I hoped my expression spoke nothing. She watched me for a second then glanced at the happenings around the pool table.
“Holy hot fuck!” she whispered.
I closed my eyes, willing her not to have figured it out.
She came in closer. “You’re in love with Nate!”
“Is it that obvious?” I wanted to cry as a gorgeous redhead chatted with Nate, bringing a soft smile to his lips.
“Probably only to me, and maybe the piranhas, but I’d bet my ass the boy has zero clue.”
The redhead flipped her hair back, set her hand on the tattoo on Nate’s bare arm and looked through her lashes at him while she said something that held his attention. To me he looked enraptured.
“Jules!” Caleb’s tone snapped me to attention. “You’re up.”
He was just a little upset because Nate and I were winning.
Not to worry, Caleb, I thought to myself. You’ll have the table back in just a sec. I didn’t want to be a good luck charm anyway. Besides it looked like Nate would have another any second.
“Oops. Sorry.” I shrugged exaggeratedly, demonstrating my terrible acting skills. I had just sunk the eight ball. “Game over.”
Nate shot me an unhappy what-was-that look.
Eat me! I wanted to say. The heat of the jealousy burned hotter than any other emotion I had ever felt. Much worse than any other time before. It consumed every rational thought in me, like a powerful raging wildfire, causing me to lose all control over my own reasoning.
I stalked over to the table, grabbed my beer and chugged it until the glass was empty, before slamming it back onto the table. Now all eyes were on me—not what I’d meant to have happen—and I was realizing I was still wearing the clothes I’d been in all day at the rodeo, jeans, work boots, a blue t-shirt and a plaid button up, unbuttoned. I couldn’t have been less sexy if I’d been in pajamas. These girls were dressed to kill.
“It’s been a long day. You guys have fun, I’m heading up to the room,” I announced.
I had to get out of there, because I’d never been in a fist fight in my entire life and right now I was contemplating giving the redhead a right hook, then raking a five fingernail special down Nate’s face. Maybe that would grab his attention, since nothing else I did seemed to be able to pull his gaze away from the hot girl who was now hanging on him and looking at him possessively.
Douche bag.
Stupid asshole douche bag.
Stupid asshole douche bag mother fucker!
The jealousy and rage were now indistinguishable and inseparable from one another. They pulsed through my veins like a volatile drug, guaranteed to shapeshift me into a vengeful, violent bitch. I was being irrational, and I knew it. It was time to go. I yanked my bag from under the table and nearly ran to the exit.
“Where are you going?” I heard Caleb’s voice behind me.
“Following her,” Piper retorted. “And Nate? Get your head out of your ass.”
A minute later Piper caught up with me.
“Just go back,” I said.
“I’m not leaving you like this.”
“I don’t need a babysitter,” I barked.
“That’s fucking true, but I thought you might want a friend,” she said. When I said nothing in response she followed me. “That’s why you wouldn’t look at any of those other guys seriously earlier today.”
She had to take double strides to catch up with my almost running pace. I couldn’t get away from the scene behind me fast enough.
“And for fuck’s sake … Jules! You all but spelled it out for me. Black hair, green eyes, blah blah, you were describing Nate!” she c
hirped like she’d just solved all the mysteries of the universe.
Damn all of this adrenaline. I needed to hit something, or run, or yell or something, but if I didn’t get it out of me I was going to explode.
“JULIA!” a gravelly male voice shouted from behind me.
No way. No. Fucking. Way.
“JULES, WAIT UP!”
I came to a dead stop.
“What the hell, Jules, Where are you going?” Nate asked, out of breath.
Where am I going? My back was to him, while Piper was next to me, watching my face carefully. I pulsed with fury at his complete blind stupidity, at the memory of the way he’d been looking at that redhead a minute ago. In fact there was nothing else in me at this moment except for fury. I was seriously losing it. My fists balled, and with the full charge of my anger, I turned to swing at Nate.
But some part of me that wasn’t drowned with pain saw the boy Nate really was standing there. And I remembered the bruises that had covered him when he was a teenager, and even as an adult, all inflicted on him by someone who was supposed to love him.
In fact, when I thought about it for a half a second, I realized that this was the first year that he’d never had bruises on his face. Since his father had been in prison.
But the charge building inside me had to go off somehow, didn’t it? Of course it did. I had stopped myself from punching Nate, but now my humiliation was going to be made complete, because in that moment the anger twisted my insides and I began to sob.
“What’s wrong with me? I know what I look like; I’m at least as pretty as those girls you let hang all over you,” I raged uncontrollably.
“Julia …” he stuttered. “You’re … you’re beautiful.”
“Really? Then why not me, Nate? Huh? Why not me?”
Tears streaked my cheeks, snot dripped from my nose and curious people stared at me like the freakish spectacle I was, while he just stood there.
“I can’t do this with you, I just can’t. So leave me alone!” I turned and ran to the hotel, hoping that once and for all this moment would shatter the illusions I’d surrounded myself with and tear Nathaniel Morrisey out of my life forever.
Chapter 4
“Sweet Child O’Mine”
Guns N’ Roses
Nate
I stood there, dazed and stunned, as I watched Jules and Piper disappear toward the hotel.
It was like the wind had been knocked out of me; I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t think straight and I couldn’t move.
All the words Jules had just thrown at me were going off inside of my mind like pinballs, but my game was on tilt.
She was crying … no sobbing … over me!
“What’s wrong with me?” and “I’m at least as pretty as those girls you let hang all over you.”
But the real nail was, “Then why not me, Nate? Why not me?”
Suddenly, Dillon’s voice spoke loud and clear in my head, drowning out everything else. “You’re nothing but a worthless piece of shit, Nate. That’s why nobody wants you. That’s why your mama left you. Get out of my sight.”
Oh fuck! Not here, not now! I needed to figure out Jules’ shit, not my own.
I hadn’t heard his voice in months. I thought maybe I’d buried the son-of-a-bitch once and for all. I was obviously wrong.
God damn it! This place was full of people, and now most of them seemed to be looking at me—the crazy cowboy guy standing in the middle of the mall with tears in his eyes. OH FUCK! I could feel the heat of the tears rising as they started to blur my vision. I had to get the fuck out of here now, and fast … and I could NOT go to the hotel, I couldn’t let anyone see me like this.
I turned fast, felt for my keys—good, they were in my pocket—and made my way to the safety of my truck.
Reaching under my seat, I grabbed the hidden pack of cigarettes and put one between my lips. I hadn’t realized I was shaking until I tried to hold onto my Zippo and light the end of my cigarette. I had to make a conscious effort to stay my hand till it was lit.
I pulled in a long drag and felt the smoke and nicotine fill my lungs. I breathed out gratefully and, after a few more drags, even felt myself calming down.
“Fuck you, Dillon! You do not get to be a part of my life anymore.” I spoke out loud to the ghost no one else could see or hear.
The prick who’d donated his sperm for my existence, very much by accident—I’d been told that over and over again by the prick himself—was long gone. He’d spent the better part of this year rotting in the state prison for assaulting me and Livie. He was going to be there a good long time too. And if I got real fucking lucky, someone would shiv the asshole.
It was fucking ridiculous how he always came up when my emotions ran hard. So far this past month had been like a spring thaw.
And Julia North was the hot sun.
I’d been killing myself, trying to stay away from her. Which was hard since I’d just about grown up in her house. Her brothers were like my own, and Colt, her dad, had been the most important male figure in my life. He was also my boss. Her brother, Jake, had been my best friend throughout high school, but when he went into the Army, Caleb just sort of picked up where he’d left off, even though Caleb was a couple years older than me.
Then there was Jules. I sighed audibly. Their little sister.
She was almost a full year younger than my sister and her best friend.
She’d been a corker when she was little. She was shy and quiet but had the most amazing imagination. And she always got her brothers and me to do stuff for her and Livie, like when we went around town collecting boxes then spent the latter part of an afternoon building a near life-sized castle for them to play princesses in. Or the time she talked us into creating an ice skating rink in the pasture. She was always like that, like she was a real princess with the world at her feet and knew we were all her subjects.
I laughed at the memory.
Of course she could get into it with her brothers like any good obnoxious little sister could. Like the time she was fourteen and tried to sneak out to the high school dance in a miniskirt and Caleb caught her. Oh, she fought back, insisting that she should be able to wear it and that she never ratted her brothers out when they did stuff their dad and mom would have kicked their asses for. And she was right, she never ratted them out, but she also learned fast that they’d never let her get away with any of it. All five brothers—except for maybe Sam—were ultra-overprotective. And every boy in town knew never to mess with her. She didn’t much like it, but she got used to it. Both she and my sister were completely sheltered by their big brothers.
Except sometime after Jules turned seventeen I found myself noticing that she didn’t exactly resemble little sister material anymore … especially not to me.
And that was the beginning of my torture.
Now here I was, leaned back in my truck’s seat and lighting a second cigarette, reeling over what she’d just thrown at me. I considered going to her hotel room to try to talk with her, but I couldn’t. I didn’t trust myself.
Suddenly, I was transported back to the middle of the night about two years ago. Dillon had come home completely wasted off his ass and in a sour, violent, piss ass mood. I was used to being the Everlast sparring bag when Livie was around; that way he’d get tired out with me and pass out before moving onto her. That night though, Livie was on a school camping trip, and after his first few fist throws, I decided I wasn’t going to take it. I pushed the fucker off of me and took off out the door.
I’d gotten in my truck and took off to the one place I really considered home. I knew the location of the hidden key for the side door of the North mansion and used it regularly. After I snuck in, I went straight to the kitchen for some ice. I could feel my face swelling, and I really didn’t want to have to explain it in the morning; it was a work night and Colt would never have believed I was out at the bar.
And there she was, sitting at the counter with a bowl of chocolate
cereal. She was absolutely breathtaking. Her caramel brown hair was tousled around her head as if maybe she’d been sleeping. She was wearing flimsy pajamas any respectful gentleman would have turned away from, but she was so soft and curvy looking, a boy like me had a hard time averting his eyes.
“Nate, what are you doing here? It’s like three in the morning.”
I hesitated for a moment and then stepped closer, into the glow of the dim kitchen night light.
“Oh my God.” She jumped off her stool, grabbed a clean hand towel from the cupboard and proceeded to press ice chips into it from the ice maker on the freezer.
She didn’t ask me what happened. She didn’t grill me or lecture me, she just guided me onto her stool, stood between my legs and held the ice against the worst of my face.
She was so tender, so caring … I’d never had the feeling I’d had that night toward anyone. No one had ever made me feel like that, safe and loved.
I tried to get a grip on my emotions at the time because they were racing like an impending wildfire. I wanted to hold onto it, hold onto the comfort I’d never experienced at this depth before … and I wanted to hold the source of it. To pull her into my arms and let her wrap hers around me; it would have made the feeling complete.
Her beautiful eyes were my favorite color brown. They were earthy, warm and trusting and always made me feel peaceful when I was turbulent.
It wasn’t sexual, not really, at least not at first, but I had no doubt if I got her body up against mine it would be, and fast.
For a moment my hormones took over, and I imagined weaving my fingers into her messy long hair and pulling her full, pink lips against mine.
That’s when the epic battle started to wage war inside of me—the desire to push her away and to keep her close, all at the same, fucking impossible time—and it had been raging on ever since.
I snuffed the cigarette out on the blacktop of the parking lot and threw the butt into the melted ice in a McDonald’s cup that one of the guys had left from on our trip up here.
Finding Us Page 5
