I lifted her sleeve over her shoulder to expose her tattoo and kissed up the feather. “I swear to you, I will never, never leave you, Julia.” I kissed each bird. “I’ve known you almost my entire life, and I know we’re perfect for each other. I’m sorry I confused you and made you afraid.” I scooped her up into my arms. “I just went outside to use my phone. I called the psych doctor in Minot and made an appointment.”
She sniffed. “You did?”
“I have to fix what my father broke.”
She closed her eyes and took in a deep breath. Her tear stained cheeks glistened in the sunlight through the window and her bottom lip quivered slightly, and I knew I’d never seen such a beautiful sight.
“I love you, Jules, and I’ve been realizing a lot of things lately and trying to work them out, but I was going about it in all the wrong ways.”
She opened her eyes and caught two tears that strayed down my face.
“Thank you for your love,” I said, more tears blurring my vision. I pulled her into me and held her for a long while. “I’ve never felt this before. This is all so new to me. Please stay patient, because my heart is in your hands and I swear I’ll never take it back.”
We held each other until we both calmed.
“I want you to be a part of something I need to do,” I said, “but it’s not going to be easy.”
“I’ll go. Let me wash my face.” She got up and went into the bathroom.
I knew she would come, because she was a brave and strong woman, a true North.
We climbed into my truck and headed into town.
I had to make things right, and that meant letting her all the way in. No more walls could be between us and I couldn’t allow my past to ruin our future.
“I’ve got so much to tell you, and it’s all pretty jumbled around in my head. I’m going to work really hard to let you in from now on.” I didn’t know where to begin. “Fuck it, I’m just going to talk. Truth, I do want kids. Deep in my heart, I’ve always wanted kids, and I vow I’m going to do everything different from what my parents did to me. Since Livie called I’ve been picking at my old wounds and fears and allowed every voice that wasn’t mine to have air time. I don’t want to be scared anymore. I won’t be scared anymore!
“Dillon stole my childhood. No way am I going to let him corrupt my adult life too. No more! Fuck him. This is my life, and I’m going to build what’s important to me. My parents couldn’t give me a family, but I sure as hell can make one of my own and then give you and our children the kind of family life I wanted. Shower you and them with all the love I never had … read to them, catch baseballs, throw a football, play dolls and dress up, whatever it takes.” I laughed. “I should honestly be an expert, because I know everything not to do, so I’m going to turn it all around and do it right.”
I pulled the truck up to 1349 Union Street.
Jules gazed up at me, her sweet doe eyes full of understanding.
“It’s time for me to walk away from this house. To be free from what it represents and what happened in it and know I’m not there anymore. I am not stuck here!” I got out of the truck, staring at the white house with black shutters that was such a source of horror for me. Just looking at it disturbed me.
Jules met me and, together, hand in hand, we walked up to the hell house, the place where my deepest nightmares occurred—in both my waking and sleeping life. I took a step forward and knocked on the door.
Jules squeezed my hand in encouragement. Since Dillon had gone to prison, the bank foreclosed on the house and it had been sold. I only hoped the new owners would let me do what I needed.
When the door opened I had to take a second to steady myself. A young woman answered, wearing messy, painted on work clothes and holding a sledgehammer. She pulled the dust mask from her mouth.
“Hi. Can I help you?”
“Are you the new owner?” I managed.
“Yeah, my husband and I. Are y’all another neighbor we haven’t met yet?” She smiled brightly. “Hey, honey, more neighbors!” she called over her shoulder.
My heart squeezed in my chest with a feeling I hadn’t expected. At first I couldn’t identify it.
“My name is Julia North.” Jules held out her hand and the woman took off her work glove and shook Jules’ hand.
“I’m Abigail.”
“I’m Paul,” her husband greeted us, shaking our hands as well. “So which place is yours?”
“Actually, we live just outside of town,” Jules said.
“I grew up here. In this house,” I finally said.
“Oh.” Abigail made an apologetic expression and peered behind her. “Oh.”
I saw it. The entire house was being gutted.
“The older floor plan was pretty outdated, so we’re making some modifications,” Paul apologized. He put his arm around his wife and that feeling hit me again.
“Could I just step inside for a moment? I mean we?” I asked.
“Sure.” They moved aside.
Oh, the satisfaction of seeing the place smashed apart and gutted out. It was like someone had blown me up with helium.
Abigail was going on about what their plans for the place were, but I hardly heard her. Her and her husband looked at each other with such love.
“This is great!” I exclaimed. It reminded me of that song by Miranda Lambert, “The House That Built Me.” Only my version would have been twisted and painful and she’d be coming back to get closure. These four walls had held so much hurt. But now … now those walls were gone and it made me feel so free.
I held Jules’ hand. He couldn’t hurt me anymore, and he couldn’t keep me in here anymore. Looking over at my beautiful girl, I knew she wouldn’t be hurt here either.
“What are you busting up with that sledgehammer?” I asked.
“Walls,” she said sheepishly.
“Could I take a swing?”
They both looked at me, astonished, and Jules smiled.
“Free labor. Have at it.” Abigail handed me the tool.
Sometimes life seemed to throw everything bad at me that it could, and I had no answers why. But right now, it seemed as if life was throwing every gift possible at me, and I wasn’t about to question it, I was going to accept each one gratefully.
Paul showed me the wall they were working on and I cocked that sledgehammer over my shoulder and let her fly. Plaster, paint, wood and wallpaper crumbled. It lent a whole new reality to letting your walls come down.
“Yeah,” I said to Jules, satisfied. Then I saw, out of the corner of my eye, the loving couple who now owned the place, and I knew now what I felt.
Hope.
“I bet the two of you are going to make this house a beautiful home, filled with love.”
“Thank you.” Abigail looked thrilled that I approved.
“We’ll be leaving shortly, but I was wondering if we could walk out through the backyard to the railroad tracks. I want to show my fiancé something from when I was a kid.”
“Feel free,” Paul said.
“Thanks. It was really good to meet the two of you,” I said.
“Yeah,” Jules stated. “We’ll probably run into each other a thousand times in Walmart.”
I walked to the door of the house with Jules’ hand back in mine and together we left it. Just walked right out.
Free.
I had to move some of the tall overgrown grass a few feet from the tracks, but I found it. A large stone I’d hammered into the ground.
“This is it.”
Jules looked at me first then knelt in the grass to get a better look. “Rush.”
“Rush was a black lab. He was a stray I picked up when I was eleven years old. He was a good boy. I hid him in my room, just in case my dad came home. I didn’t want him to find the dog because I knew he wouldn’t let me keep him. Dillon was gone a lot around that time so I thought I had a good chance of getting away with it. Hell, I was a little kid. What did I know?” I knelt beside her and
touched the stone. “I walked him every morning before school and each afternoon when I got back. He’d play fetch, and I taught him to sit and roll over. He was a good friend.”
I had just a moment to smile at the memory before I felt the hot tears burn my eyes. It had been so long since I’d let myself think about him. “I got to the house one afternoon after school and heard him whimpering. He was lying in a pool of blood out on the back porch. Dillon was sitting in the chair, drinking a beer with a rifle on his lap.”
“Oh, Nate,” Julia breathed.
“Yeah. He’d sent two bullets through Rush’s side and was letting him bleed out, just watching.” I took a deep, shuddering breath as I felt the rage and helplessness of that moment threaten to overwhelm me, even now. “Dillon stared at me with this cold look on his face and said, ‘Oh good you’re home. I thought he might last long enough for you to say goodbye.’
“I dropped next to Rush. My knees hit the old wood and I felt the slivers press into my flesh. I wanted to scream at him, ‘How could you?!’ but I couldn’t. Maybe I was in shock. Maybe I’d learned to numb myself by that point, at least in front of Dillon.
“‘Don’t you ever go bringing another fucking stray piece of shit animal here again or next time I’ll put two bullets through you!’ he shouted. And before he walked back into the house he ordered, ‘Now clean up the mess.’”
Jules began to cry next to me. I’d been trying to hold it together, but I was quickly losing it.
“I picked him up and carried him here, next to the tracks. He whined in agony the whole time. I held him in my lap and stroked his blood soaked fur while he suffered for another grueling hour.” I was crying so hard now I could hardly get the words out. “I loved that dog.”
Jules put her arms around my shoulders. “I’m so sorry, Nate. No one should ever experience that kind of pain,” she said.
I let myself open up, and I cried for the loss I’d numbed over for so many years, allowing Jules to comfort me. She was still my safe place.
After a time, I took her hand and continued. “When he finally died, I grabbed the shovel and dug a hole to bury him in. I put this big rock over the grave and said a prayer to God, hoping Rush would be in heaven. Then I thanked Rush for being such a good dog and told him I was sorry for how he died.” I was overcome again as tears slipped down my face, but I had to get through this. “Then I had to go back to the house.”
I almost couldn’t keep talking. Jules made a small sound in her throat and I pushed myself to go on. “I hosed down the porch, but his blood was thick and sticky. After trying to clean it with just water, I ended up having to get down on my hands and knees in the blood and scrub it with soap and a brush. I swear I can still smell it. That nasty, metallic smell permeated everything. I must’ve thrown up three times before my body figured out I didn’t have anything left to purge.”
Jules covered her mouth with both hands and laid her sweet head against my shoulder to comfort me.
“Seeing the dog on your lap— the black fur all caked with mud and blood—brought it all back in an instant. Then while I was still trying to get rebalanced after that trigger, Livie called with another blow. It made me feel weaker than ever—isn’t that a head trip? I’ve got everything I want: the woman I love, true friends, the best job, I’m financially stable—wealthy even—and now we’re going to have our own home, and I am so happy … but there’s still this trickle of rain … not rain-on-my-parade rain, but torture-me-waterboarding-style drops that keep on relentlessly dripping in the same spot. They say, ‘You’re not good enough; you think you’re happy now but you’re going to lose it; you’re going to fuck it all up; piece of shit like you, who are you kidding, everyone can see you’re worthless; you don’t deserve this.’ Jules, I’m done with that way of thinking, and us walking out of that house hand in hand was a huge turn for me.
“I’m not letting it hurt me anymore and I’m not going to let it hurt you.” I wiped my eyes. “I wrote a letter to myself. Might sound strange, but … well, I want to read it here, to you, then I’m going to burn it and watch the smoke rise like a prayer until the letter turns to ash.” I reached into my pocket, then handed Jules the box of matches.
Hey, Nate.
I know you wish you had a dad you could talk to and tell him how you’re feeling and what you’re going through. I know you hurt when you look in the mirror and find some genetic reminder of his presence in your life. But I’m telling you now that it’s time to come out the other side of his wrong. He. Was. Wrong.
Your love is bigger than that. It’s time to be your own dad and treat yourself the way a good father would treat his son. You are your own parent.
This shall be your mantra:
I’ll take back the childhood that was stolen from me, give it to my own children and relive it myself as my own parent. The boy that was abused has grown up to become an exceptional man. I’ve proven that to myself, and I will keep on proving it. This emotional pain will heal and scar over just like the physical with time. And I will cover those scars with tattoos—vibrant pictures that I create of my family’s future story—until the beauty and the good outshines and covers over and exceeds the ugly.
I am one tough son-of-a-bitch, and I’m not going down. I’ve never backed down from anyone or any threat in my life. I choose to live my life differently, and give myself, my wife and my children a legacy of love that my kids can inherit. My life is my own. Today I take it back!
I’ll be gentle with myself when the painful reminders haunt my thoughts. I’ll be gentle with myself and those around me when I feel my mood begin to swing, and I’ll learn to examine the undercurrents that pull me away from my resolve and learn to let them go.
When I get moody, controlling, depressed, or my behavior just isn’t making sense, I’ll rely on the people in my life who are safe, who love me and who I can trust to let me know and help me to steer in a positive direction.
I’ll learn to express my emotions openly and trust myself. I’m strong. I’m a survivor.”
I finished and lit the match, holding it to the corner of the paper, and watched it curl up on itself with the orange heat. Seconds later the smoke was rising, and I felt certain someone up there had received the message.
Chapter 21
“Hey Pretty Girl”
Kip Moore
Nate
I reached into my pocket and pulled out a folded envelope. “This is the same letter that I just read, but this one is a signed contract between me and you.” I handed it to Jules. “Open it; you have to sign it too.” I gave her my pen.
She was still crying softly as she nodded, took the contract and signed it.
“That one’s yours. You help hold me to it. And yeah, I have a third copy at home for myself,” I said as I got to my feet and gave Jules my hand to give her a boost up. “Bye, Rush.”
I felt an eternal strength as I walked the two of us away from the house and gravesite. A strength that reassured me that everything was going to be alright.
I opened Jules’ door for her and gave her a hand up into the truck. I closed her door and went around to my side and climbed in.
“You’re so brave.” Her voice was choked with emotion as she slid closer to me and laid her head on my shoulder.
“Well, look who I have to hold my hand.” I kissed her head, breathing in her scent. Could she fathom how much strength she gave me?
I drove uptown and pulled up in front of the vet’s house.
“What are we doing here?”
“Come on.” I pulled her out of the truck from my side and walked her up the steps. “Go on, Jules, ring the doorbell.”
A slender woman with dark brown hair answered. “Hey, Jules, good to see you. And you must be Nate.” She reached out her hand to me.
“Nice to meet you in person.” We shook and Jules gave me a confused look. “I called her after I called the doctor. She told me Lady would be ready for us to take home today.”
Jules
gasped in excitement and surprise and threw her arms around my neck before she calmed herself. “Are you sure?” She cocked an eyebrow.
“I’m completely sure.”
She squealed and hugged me hard.
The vet smiled. “Come on in and I’ll take you to her.”
We walked into her sunny home as she continued, “She has some patches of fur that are just growing back in where we had to shave her, but you’ll see that, with the good nutrition you and Jules have been providing, her coat’s looking so good and she’s becoming a much more vibrant dog. Her real personality is starting to shine through.”
“Lady!” Jules called when she saw her. Lady came running up to lick her hand and rub against her. Jules dropped to her level, and the puppy jumped up with her paws on Jules’ shoulders.
I knelt next to the two of them and was greeted just as exuberantly. I took a deep breath. I hadn’t so much as touched another dog in all this time. Lady was wagging her tail and running playfully away from us and back again.
“She’s beautiful,” I said.
“Yeah, I think so too,” Jules crooned.
We took Lady Luck, her kennel, food and dishes and loaded it all in the truck. Jules sat close to me as Lady stuck her face out the window as we drove. I figured it was probably her first rodeo, riding in a vehicle with the wind in her face.
I already knew she and I had a lot in common. Jules was the glue that had mended both our hearts.
The next week was really exciting. The wedding was rushing towards us, the barn was ready and the gazebo, along with the surrounding trees by the pond, had been wrapped in strands of little white lights and glass lanterns. Tucked safely into my tux pocket was my gift for Jules, two tickets for an Alaskan adventure, which included a cruise and three weeks trekking through the last frontier.
A dirt road (that was now our driveway) had been carved through the landscape about two miles from the main house, and our basement had been dug up and the foundation poured. Jules and I planted some apple and pear trees, lilac bushes and a crabapple tree.
Finding Us Page 22
