Barry stands to attention, waiting for his first instruction, and I lean forward. “See that girl up there. The two-legged one? There’ll be a big bucket of carrots in it for you if you make me look good.” I jostle in the saddle to encourage him to move, when Jack says “Go.”
Ahh. Forgot the simplest of instructions already.
We meet up with the girls at the top of the dune and continue past. “Stop.”
Riley is so at ease, and she pulls up next to me and says a gentle “Go” for Barry to walk alongside Snowy. They brush up against each other and trap our legs while Riley guides Snowy away.
“Do you want to play in the shallows while I let this one get her sillies out? I’ll go to the top of the beach and back again.” She points in the direction she wants to go. “Are you sure you’re okay?” When I give her a nod, she says, “Remember the magic words or Barry might take you for a swim.”
Snowy responds to the click of Riley’s tongue and sets off at a pace that would have me screaming. Barry’s certainly my pace as we head to the water’s edge, and he slowly walks along. The gentle rocking would be nice if my phone wasn’t poking my arse.
I pull it out, and my phone starts to ring in my hand. Looking up, I see Riley is long gone and I can’t ignore Kit anymore.
“Kit. Sorry, man. It’s been crazy busy here,” I say, even if it is a lie.
“Knew you’d be busy. Where are you? It’s so windy?”
I tell him that’s exactly where I am—in the wind. “Just sitting here with my mate Barry.”
“Glad I got hold of you. I’ve been seeing someone.”
This is what he wanted to tell me? “That’s great, man, but not really sure why you’re telling me.”
“Her name is Lydia, and as shitty news would have it, she’s —”
“Riley’s agent?” Barry’s ears turn as my voice comes out three times higher than normal. “When did you start seeing her?”
Kit tells me how he’s been seeing Lydia for about eight weeks and technically on double duty getting insider information about Riley. “I have to tell her.”
“Who?”
“Well, both of them. That’s how you come into it. I need your advice. I feel bad for what I did to Riley.” Kit continues with how he wants to go public with his relationship with Lydia. “The second I do that, the shit’s going to hit the fan.”
“But you didn’t do anything with Riley, did you?” Please tell me you didn’t do anything with Riley.
“No. I gave her a kiss on the cheek—well, cheek being mouth, but that was it.”
I tighten my fingers around the handset. He told me previously that he didn’t touch her. “Was there tongue?”
“You need to chill. I was going for the cheek and I turned, she turned, our lips touched. I met Lydia when Riley left last weekend, and we hit it off. She knows me as Christopher, not Kit.”
Knowing my best mate has kissed the woman I love, has lied to her on my behalf, and has now fallen for one her best friends has my hands tightening around the reins. This whole situation is a disaster. If only it had been as simple as telling Riley how I really felt instead of asking for favours to find out about her, none of this would have happened. I’m in too deep and I just can’t see a way to get out of this without fucking everything right up and possibly losing her forever. Fearing Kit might have got a similar kiss as I did today, I again ask if there were tongues involved.
The phone has gone quiet, and I lower it to see if it’s still connected. Confirming the phone line is still open, I can see Riley approaching us. My heart starts to race at how fast she’s going. She’s beaming. She looks so free. “Kit? Can you hear me? Did she give you a proper kiss?” Hearing him say no makes me relax, and Barry’s step picks up. “I’ll figure something out. Talk to you later, and that’s great. Really happy for you.”
“It will all work out for you. For all of us,” he says and hangs up.
I hang up my phone as Riley zips past me. Barry’s obviously more confident than I am, and even though I pull on the reins, he sets off after them, and I quickly shove my phone in my jeans front pocket. His pace is not cracking but it’s enough to jostle me out of the seat.
Riley and Snowy rejoin our side. Barry slows, and I know Riley is making Snowy walk.
“This is so much fun,” she says. “Thank you so much for organising it.”
We get a few paces before I come clean. “I came up with the idea, Dominic actually did the sorting.”
“Well, great idea, and thank you for asking Dominic to organise it. I haven’t been able to go horse riding in such a long time. I was thinking on the way back here that I should make this a regular thing.”
I feel Riley’s rueful eye as we go along the beach.
“Is that painful for you? Riding like that?” she asks. “You have an interesting style but you might not be able to bear children if you keep going. Here.” Riley slips off the saddle with ease and ducks under Barry’s neck to make him stop. “Put your toes there.” She positions my foot in the stirrup. “Then, when you get off, just let it slip off your foot as your other one touches the ground.”
By rights, following her instructions, I should have landed easily.
At least she didn’t laugh openly in my face when my butt hit the ground.
Thirteen
Riley
I am a hell of an actress. I am working so hard not to laugh while Harrison gets off the ground and dusts his arse off. My eyes are watering, and my lungs feel like they are going to burst if I don’t get this laugh out. A strangled moan manages to escape, and I pretend to cough to cover it. I told him how to get down, and for the first time, I don’t think he defied me, he just genuinely fell to the ground.
I hold out my hand, and Harrison takes it and tells me to let it out before laughing at himself. It takes me a good minute to get myself back under control. Tears roll down my cheeks, and I am wheezing as I straighten out. That’s exactly what I needed to get that kiss out of my head. We had kissed and kissed until I didn’t want to kiss him again for that scene. It was meant to be the wedding kiss, the one that seals their lifetime together. The only way I was going to get a shot that made Allan happy was to kiss Harrison how I’ve always wanted. That wasn’t a Jordan and Declan smooch. That was the way I’ve longed to feel his lips against mine. For a fleeting second, I felt as if his returned touch was real. That it was Harrison holding me and making me feel like he wanted me as much as I want him.
I blotted out how he has been to me, how he has a girlfriend, and just went for it. Telling him my feelings probably won’t change the fact that he’s with someone else. This kiss might have been the last chance I had with him. We still haven’t seen the rest of the script. As far as I can guess, we might be killed off in the next scene.
Glad we got the shot, but my head is more clouded than ever. I think, given a chance, I would have professed my feelings for him then and there, to hell if he used it against me. The second Allan touched me, Harrison looked like his usual self, even if he did take longer to let go of me.
His awkwardness and hitting the ground is more our element.
“Are you okay?” My voice doesn’t sound like my own as I struggle to keep the laughter in.
Snickering at himself, Harrison gives me permission to laugh, and I end up doubled over.
“Sorry, but that was funny.” I’ve been so lost in the moment that it’s only now I realise we are still holding hands. When I finally get myself under control and breathing normally, I wipe the tears from my eyes. I’m still giggling as I ask him if he wants to go for a walk.
Harrison nods, and I reluctantly hand him the reins when he lets go of my hand. I take off my shoes and roll up my jeans. I haven’t felt so free in such a long time. Being one with the horse and just letting her go felt amazing. Harrison and Barry hadn’t really moved from their spot. Standing on the sidelines playing a lesser part, he’d looked more at ease than on the horse. He hasn’t said it but he appears mor
e relieved now that he’s got his feet back on the ground. By the time I’d made my way around the beach, my phone was a continual buzz from the Google Alerts about Harrison trying to get on the horse. I turned the notifications off when I saw one of the major networks promoting it on their homepage. Part of me was wishing someone had caught him falling on his arse, too.
“Thank you so much for this,” I gush with all honesty as we walk quietly with the horses in tow. “I’d forgotten how much fun it was.”
Harrison asks me about my riding experience, and I happily share my stories. There’s no way he can shit all over my memories. While I retell them, a sadness manages to seep in, and it’s nothing to do with him. It’s the fact that I’ve had to stop doing lots of things that bring me joy because of this job. I spend my days at work and then on my days off, I hide out from the world. My job has taken away my private time. How I’ve let my job take over my life.
It was when Snowy and I were on the beach that I resolved to take one day a month to go horse riding. I already know of a centre that’s about an hour’s drive from home. Doing this has conjured up many things I’ve been putting on the backburner, waiting for the right time to come along. Horse riding, travel, romance. Love is only going to happen now that a certain person has freed up the space I’ve foolishly reserved for him since he has a girlfriend.
Urgh. That hurts my heart.
Glancing at Harrison, I see he’s smiling his devastating smile and has even laughed at a few of my stories.
“And it bucked me and took off back home while I had to walk the eight kilometres with the back of my pants ripped out,” I say. “So you were never on horses? Didn’t you grow up out in the bush?”
“Dirt bikes were more my thing. And I lived in a hub of the bush. Lots of friends whose parents had properties, though.”
“If you can organise a couple of bikes, I’d be happy to try something you like.”
Harrison comes to a stop and calls out for Barry to do the same. “You want to go bike riding? With me?”
Little does he know I’m just as good on a motorbike as I am on a horse, but that’s something I’ll let him find out on his own. “Sure, why not? Think it would be fun.”
I consider this morning, when I was ready to attempt drowning him in the kitchen sink.
“So I want to ask—” he says, as I said, “So we might head back—”
“Head back? I was only just getting started.”
“It’s been a long day, and I know this is not really your thing. I’ve had a great time. When we get back, we have to get to our session with Clara.”
The moment I mention her name, our phones buzz simultaneously with a text question of: Where are you?
“I’ll handle this,” Harrison says and puts his phone to his ear. “Clara. Riley and I are actually having a session now … ahuh … we have come for a walk on the beach … we have chaperones.” Harrison stops walking and tells Barry to stop. “No, not you, Clara. Telling Barry to stop … yep. Mandatory,” he says so I know what’s going on. “Half an hour … okay.”
Harrison hangs up the phone, but I get a general idea that we are not going to be allowed to reschedule.
“Getting a bit jack of having executives telling me where I have to be and what I have to do,” he says.
This is the first time I’ve heard him speak negatively about himself or his career. Maybe he’s not such a lackey after all.
“Sorry to have cut this short.”
“No, it’s been fun,” I say as I turn Snowy around and Barry follows. “Where are we meant to be meeting her?”
“Back at the cabin.”
We make small talk all the way back, nothing too meaty. I figure he’s saving that for me during the session when we have a witness, or I would hope, an accomplice. Harrison is actually, surprisingly, easy to get along with. When he doesn’t have an audience to play up to, he’s normal, and that’s what makes it so much harder to hate him. I feel a shift inside where the hate and resentment are starting to soften. If he did overhear me when I was talking with Clara the other day, he certainly hasn’t said anything or behaved in a way that he knows something. His stories about growing up make me laugh. I question carefully about his family and his brother’s sickness.
“Oh, I was a scrapper of a thing. Skin and bones. I was about this height when I was twelve, so people always thought I was older, and when they found out my age, they’d start to pick on me. That’s when my dad really taught me about fitness and how to get strong, how to be strong.” He taps the side of his temple with his fingers. “How to have focus and to not take things personally.” He bumps his shoulder playfully against mine. “Yeah, I was dirty about you getting my role in the play, but the decision was out of my hands.”
“Didn’t stop you from spreading the rumour that I used my hands on the director to get that part.”
“I didn’t say I wasn’t petty. Not one of my best character traits.”
“Need to update the skillset list on your resume, then.”
Jack’s waiting for us at the top of the sand dune as Snowy pulls on her reins to be with her master.
“How’d you go? Which one of you took a tumble?” Jack asks.
Harrison doesn’t realise until Jack says ahh that he sees me pointing my finger at him.
“Dobber.”
“Thank you so much for the chance. They are both beautiful horses.” I smile and say my thanks when he tells me I’m a natural.
Spending the last few moments with Snowy and Barry before they are led onto the float, I take a minute to roll down my jeans and refasten my shoes once I’m off the sand. Feeling reinvigorated, I all but skip to the car. My mind is firing with ideas of things I want to do and things I want to try. Stopping as my hands hit the steering wheel, I wonder if all these opportunities and things I want to do will be permissible if I’m still on the show. Before it was to get away from Harrison and his nasty ways. I’m starting to think that Harrison wasn’t completely at fault. It’s the restrictions. The impositions, the regulations. Maybe I was dumping my frustrations with the show onto Harrison. No wonder he retaliated the way he did.
“Are we ready to go? Are you having a turn? Where’d you go?”
Looking to him, I say, “Just thinking.”
“Penny for those thoughts.”
Grinning, I turn the key in the ignition. “Cost you more than that for what’s going on in my head.”
“I have last night’s winnings.”
“You mean your cheat money?” I talk to him about how I’m going to start making some changes to my life. Now that I hopefully won’t have to spend my days trying to think of ways to best him or being on my guard for any of his stupid pranks, I should have just about my whole day other than work hours free. Making another mental note about talking to Lydia about stage work, I might not be able to do it now, but that doesn’t mean I can’t be ready when my contract runs out. Doesn’t mean I’ll leave the show automatically, I just want to have my options. Harrison’s character will fall on his feet, he always does. The power of television.
“I still have my question.”
“What question?” I know exactly what question he’s talking about. He had a higher card than mine but never got the chance to ask.
“I’m holding on to that one.”
“So now that I’ve organised the bikes, this is where you tell me you are super good on them.”
Laughing at being found out, I say, “I wasn’t going to say, I just wanted to see your face when this blonde bimbo leaves you in the dust.”
“I never thought you were a bimbo. A bitch, yes. A smart, cunning, and conniving manipulator. Yes.” He quickly adds, “But I don’t think of you as those things anymore.”
I believe him when he says it. My perception of him is slowly changing.
“So how do you feel with all this counselling?” he asks.
Answering him honestly, I tell him I’ve learned a lot about myself. “I know that sounds
wrong, but it’s showing me why I am the way I am and why I need to change my behaviour.”
“Is that from your childhood?”
I know exactly what he’s referring to. I’ve told him only the good about my childhood and feel like I can share with him about my parents. “I’m sure you read on my questionnaire that there was abuse.” I assure him it wasn’t physical. “My father pitted me against my mother. When my mother started dating other men, my dad pumped me for information about them. He said he’d stop taking me to my horse riding place if I wasn’t a right little shit to both Mum and the new boyfriend. I did it once, and that’s when the riding had to stop. Mum couldn’t afford to keep me in drama class and lessons. I realised quickly that Dad was using me to hurt Mum and I didn’t want any part of it. Dad became obsessed with messing with Mum’s life.” My eyes prickle with tears as I turn onto our road. Hearing my own words of how I’ve repeated my father’s footsteps and done to Harrison what I have done, makes me sick.
“I feel sick,” Harrison says.
I put my foot on the brake, and he motions for me to keep going.
“No. Not motion sickness,” he says, “but I do feel ill thinking that a parent would treat their own kid that way.”
“It’s only through talking to Clara that I realise my behaviours and I’ve been doing the same to you.”
Harrison looks awkwardly pained while the tears roll down my cheek.
“Harrison. I’m really sorry for everything. To list all the things I’ve done would take all day and then another three days after that. I want to make amends. That’s all I can say, though. I’m sorry for everything. All I can do from this point is show you that I’m not going to repeat that behaviour.”
Harrison’s hand moves over mine, and he gives it a squeeze. The gesture is intimate, not awkward. “I totally get it. My biggest hurdle has been: Can we actually be friends? I don’t know what I’m going to do with my free time.”
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