“I’m sorry, Cameron. I thought I could do the whole friend thing, but I just can’t,” she takes a breath and shakes her head. “I have to go.”
“Hayley, wait,” I try to stop her but fail miserably when she evades my grasp.
“No, please just let me go. I need to go home,” she pleads, walking away.
I let her go and watch as she disappears around the corner. What.The.Fuck.Just.Happened? Less than two minutes ago I had her moaning in my arms, kissing me like she needed me, and now, I’m standing alone in a goddamn alley.
I need to fix this, I know that much. But it’s the how that worries me.
Because there’s only one way and that’s to show her what I’m hiding.
•• •• •• •• •• ••
I stare out my bedroom window as the sun comes up. Sleep eluded me last night, even after I spent an hour driving around in circles trying not to think about what happened at the bar. I groan and roll my tired ass out of bed, heading straight for the shower. I didn’t even make it to the pool this morning like I do most Saturdays. I just lay in bed and stared at nothing while thinking about, well, everything. I climb into the shower and while I wish I didn’t have to wash the feint smell of Hayley’s perfume off of me, the hot water is invigorating and gives some life to my weary muscles.
I dress quickly and head downstairs for breakfast. I take a look down the long dark hallway and listen for noises coming from the room at the end. When I’m met with silence, I walk down the staircase towards the kitchen but I stop when I see my mother and my very pregnant sister sitting in the living room. Despite the fact that I’m famished, I walk into our living room and greet them.
“There you are,” my mother says, smiling up at me. “I was beginning to think you were never going to wake up.”
I lean down and kiss her cheek, “Morning, Mom.”
My sister Candice tries to stand up but I stop her. I kiss her on her forehead instead. “Morning, sis. What are you doing here?”
Candice shares a look with my mother, who nods her understanding, and then stands to leave. “Can I make you an omelet for breakfast, Cam?”
I smile, “Please, Mom, that would be great.”
I watch my mother leave and then turn to face my sister. Her auburn hair is piled on top of her head and she’s wearing a blue long sleeve shirt with white linen pants. She’s looking at me strangely, almost studying me. “How is it going?” I ask her. I shift on the sofa to face her and rest my hands on her swollen belly. I feel movement against my hand and my eyes shoot up to Candice's.
“She’s busy,” she giggles. “But the doctor said he’d be surprised if I make it to Thanksgiving next weekend.”
I can hear the excitement in her voice and I can’t stop the grin on my face when I feel the baby kick again.
“I seriously hope you didn’t drive here,” I tell her in all seriousness. Candice is one of the most beautiful pregnant women I have ever seen, but even I can see she’s too big to be driving.
“No, Brett dropped me off. He took Jordan with him to the hardware store and dropped me off here,” she replies.
“Are you here to see mom?” I ask.
“Actually, no, I’m here to see you.”
“Me?”
“Yes, you, little brother. Mom said she’s worried about you.”
I shift and sit back against the sofa. “Mom’s always worried about me.” I roll my eyes, earning a slap on the arm from Candice.
“Seriously,” I continue. “I’m fine, there’s nothing to worry about.”
Candice looks at me through narrowed eyes, thinning her lips. If she was standing she’d have her hands on her hips and I’d be preparing for a lecture. That’s usually what follows after that pose. “You can’t lie to me, little brother. I know you better than you know yourself, so why don’t you try telling me nothing's wrong without being completely dishonest with me.”
I’m about to reply when my mother walks back in carrying my breakfast. She puts it on the living room table and kisses my head before leaving again. She’s definitely not herself today.
“It’s fine,” Candice says, waving her hand at my plate. “Eat. We’ll talk when you’re done.”
I nod and start scoffing down my food. It barely touches sides with how hungry I am. I put the last bite in my mouth and slide my empty plate away, settling back into the sofa.
“So,” Candice starts, breaking the silence. “You want to tell me what’s up with you or do I have to ask what her name is?”
I look at my sister, surprised that she is able to read me so well. A little too well. I frown. “Who told you?”
Candice smiles. “I got a call from Hannah, but all she said was that I should talk to you. Then mom called and, well, here I am.”
Turning my head away, I shove the discomfort in my chest away. I don’t feel like talking, but my sister is pretty damn persistent and I’m sure she’ll find a way to get me to talk.
“What’s her name?” Candice asks.
I sigh, admitting defeat. I never really stood a chance, so why fight the inevitable? My sister and I might be eight years apart, but growing up she was one of my best friends, and she has always been on my side, even the times I was wrong. She’s protected me, given me “important life advice”, as she called it, and seemed to have the ability to keep me together when everything around us, including our family, fell apart.
“Her name’s Hayley,” I answer.
“Do you like her?”
I shrug, unsure of how to answer this. I’ve never been one to ‘like’ a girl. Sure, I had Rachel for over a year, but we were never a couple. She knew from the beginning what our arrangement was. I was allowed to see other girls, and she was allowed to see other guys. When we wanted to get together it was with sex in mind, but otherwise we were both free to do whatever or whom ever we wanted. It worked for me. Until now.
“I care about her,” I reply. “But it’s complicated, and I’m pretty sure I ruined my chances with her.”
Snorting, Candice says, “Life is complicated, Cameron, we know that. But you won’t know what your chances are with her if you don’t at least try again.”
I rub my hand down my face, feeling the exhaustion from my sleepless night make its way into my bones. “I don’t think that’s going to happen since we can’t even get being just friends right.”
“Why? What happened between you two?”
I steel myself for how Candice is going to react after I tell her how I reacted when Hayley told me she had a daughter. This isn’t going to be pretty.
I fill her in, starting with how Hayley and I met in the parking lot of Jordan’s day care center and ending with last night’s kiss in the alley. I don’t leave out a single detail, not even the way I reacted when I found out about Hayley’s daughter. When I’m done, I feel like a huge weight is lifted from my shoulders, only to be replaced by another. The kind that comes with knowing that I’ll have to tell Hayley everything I keep inside, the hardest of which is what lies behind the closed door at the end of our hallway upstairs.
I slowly look back at Candice. Her face is somewhat unreadable but I know her well enough to see the mixture of disappointment, sadness and anger swimming in the depths of her brown eyes.
“Wow,” she breathes. “That’s a lot to take in, but I’m a little disappointed in you, Cam. You treated that girl so poorly, and all because you found out she has a little girl? How do you think that made her feel?”
I hang my head again, feeling dejected and pissed with myself all at once. “I know, I know,” I concede. “I acted like a complete asshole, and I wish I hadn’t, but I totally freaked out, alright? I’m twenty -one, Candice, and the last thing I ever imagined, especially at my age, was getting involved with someone who has a kid. I just didn’t see it happening.”
“So what changed?” Candice asks.
“I just, I don’t know. Like I said, I care about her, a lot, and those few weeks when we didn’t ta
lk and then pretended to be friends was torture. I hated every goddamn minute of it.”
“Do you want to try again? I mean, you know it’ll be different because she has a little girl, but does that change how you feel about her?”
Candice’s question catches me a little off guard, but only because I never realized that my feelings for Hayley didn’t change when I found out about her daughter. I just freaked out without asking questions and ran like hell. I’ve never thought about it until now, and maybe if I had, things between Hayley and I could’ve been far less complicated.
“No,” I say honestly. “It doesn’t change how I feel about her, but I’d have to admit that the thought of having more with her at the time scared me. It’s always been easier to not get emotionally involved. After everything with dad, it just became easier to feel nothing.”
Candice’s hand rests on my knee and she scoots closer to me until her head rests on my shoulder. “Cam,” she says softly. “You can’t allow what happened with dad to prevent you from being in a relationship with someone. What are you afraid of?”
Another question I’m not prepared for. “I’m afraid that once Hayley knows what I did she’ll see me for who I am and then leave.”
Candice frowns. “What happened with daddy was an accident, Cameron,” her voice hitches and I immediately feel guilty for upsetting her. “And mom and I never blamed you, but you’ve never forgiven yourself. You have to see that you are still our Cam, the amazing young man with a heart of gold who just had to grow up much quicker than most other kids your age.”
I wish I could believe her, I really do, but I simply can’t.
“And I think if you really care about Hayley,” Candice continues. “And want to give things a shot with her, then you should trust her enough to tell her everything. If she leaves then you know it wasn’t meant to be, but you won’t know until you tell her the truth.”
Exhaling audibly, I resign myself to the fact that my sister is, once again, right. I have to do this.
I squeeze my sister's hand and look at her, her head still resting on my shoulders. Wiping a stray tear from her cheek, I reply, “Okay. I’ll do it. I’ll tell her.”
Today.
Chapter 12
~ Hayley ~
The house is too quiet. With Ari and my grandmother gone for most of the afternoon, I’ve had time to clean my room, put clean sheets on my bed, organize Ari’s toys alphabetically, wash the dishes and organize my underwear by color. But it only stopped me from thinking about last night’s disastrous girls night out with Taylor, and how it ended with me kissing Cameron in an alley.
I sigh. How did my life end up like this? By agreeing to be friends with Cameron with the full knowledge that it was the worst idea imaginable. We’ve spent the past few weeks skirting around our attraction for each other, going as far as avoiding each other just to make it easier. And it’s been driving me crazy. Last night only proved the extent of my idiocy when Cameron kissed me, and I forgot every logical reason why being just friends was the right decision.
I sit down on the sofa, staring out of the living room bay windows, and put my fingers to my lips as if Cameron’s kiss still lingers. I was so angry with him before, but then his lips brushed mine, his hands made themselves at home all over my body and I forgot that I was angry. When I left the bar I felt confused, overwhelmingly so, and the only thing that soothed my emotionally frazzled state was curling up with Ari as soon as I got home. I took one whiff of her baby scent and felt instantly calmer, like she centers me, brings me back to earth.
When there’s a knock at the door, I startle, after being lost in my own headspace. I get up quickly to open the door, and immediately regret not checking the peephole first. The door swings open and Cameron is standing on the porch. He looks damn fine, as always, in his light blue jeans and plain white t-shirt. Only this time he’s wearing a snug leather jacket to keep out the cooler temperatures that have arrived with fall. My eyes trail up his body and stop on his face. I notice the dark circles under his eyes, giving away the weariness on his face. He looks exhausted.
“Hi,” I almost squeak out. “What are you doing here?”
“Hi,” he replies impishly. “I needed to come see you.”
I step onto the porch and allow the front door to shut behind me. His eyes don’t leave mine and I silently wonder what he’s doing here.
“I’m here to apologize,” he says, answering my unasked question. “For last night.”
“If you’re here to tell me what happened between us last night was a mistake then I’d rather not hear it, Cameron. I’ve had about as much rejection from you as I can handle. The only mistake we made was trying to be friends, when clearly, it just won’t work.”
He looks down, and shakes his head. When he lifts his head again I’m taken aback by the expression on his face. He looks hurt.
“I came to apologize for last night. I was wrong to be there, but I’m glad I was. Nothing can ever make me regret kissing you or make me wish it never happened.”
My throat goes dry and my heart starts racing. I don’t know what to say.
When Cameron realizes I have no intention of responding, he continues. “I also wanted to apologize for how I reacted at the hospital after our first date. I was a - ”
“You were an asshole,” I interrupt.
“Yes,” he breathes out. “I was. I wanted you to know how sorry I am.”
“It was a while ago, Cam. So just forget about it.”
My head drops, and I stare at my feet. I bite my lip, hoping that Cameron can’t see the array of emotions I’m feeling right now reflected on my face. I don’t think I can handle that. I’ve never been good at being vulnerable and when I’m this close to Cameron, that’s what he does to me; he makes me feel vulnerable, exposed.
I feel his finger under my chin and he lifts my face so that we’re looking at each other.
“That’s just it, Hayley.” His voice is soft and gentle and caressing. “I can’t forget it. It’s not that simple with us. I need to explain a few things.”
“What things?”
He drops his hand and thins his lips before answering with, “Do you trust me?”
I pause, thinking about it. I hate that I can’t answer immediately. After a minute I nod, not saying a word. I do trust him, but not entirely, and I know better than to hurt his feelings by telling him that.
“Will you come with me?” he asks. It’s not his voice that’s pleading with me. It’s his eyes. They suck me in and I’m hopeless enough to give in.
“Please?”
I nod again, this time finding my voice. “Okay. Let me just grab a jacket and my purse.”
I close the door behind me and sag against it. What the hell am I doing? I ask myself, repeatedly. This is a bad idea. Bad. Bad. Bad.
After I’ve grabbed my jacket and my purse, I send a quick text to my grandmother letting her know I’ll be home a little later. I also tell her whom I’m with. She’s completely clued in about everything going on, simply because I don’t like keeping things from her. I step outside again, locking the door and walk down to Cameron’s truck. He opens the passenger side door for me, helping me climb in and then walks to the driver’s side. We don’t say anything as he pulls away from the curb, but my nerves and curiosity get the better of me.
“Where are you taking me?” I ask.
“My place,” Cameron replies, keeping his gaze fixed on the road ahead. “I have something I want you to see.”
We fall into silence after that, even though I’m dying to ask him why he’s taking me to his house. Instead, I fold my hands in my lap and look out the window, watching the houses fly past us and note how they become bigger and bigger. Eventually we take a left and turn down a winding road, palatial sized homes taking up huge properties on each side. Cameron slows down and turns onto a paved driveway leading up to a beautiful, Georgian style home. He parks his truck in front of the garage and climbs out. I don’t wait for him t
o come to my side before I jump out. He looks at me as if he’s about to say something, but then appears to have thought twice about it. He shakes his head and walks up to the front door, allowing me to walk in first. The foyer is a large, open space. There are two staircases that go up to a landing on the next floor and the kitchen and living room extend to my right.
It’s eerily quiet and I don’t think anyone else is here except us. It’s strange. It reminds me of the night, two long years ago, when my life changed before I knew it. I want to say that was the night my life really began, but the events that followed made a new beginning impossible. Shaking the memory, I wait for Cameron to tell me what we’re doing here, why he brought me here. Silently, he slips his hand around mine, engulfing it. The gesture surprises me, but I don’t pull away. Something tells me Cameron needs it. We walk up the stairs and down the long hallway, passing bedrooms as we go. When we reach a closed door at the end, Cameron stops, never letting go of my hand, and looks at me. His expression is enough to knock me slightly off kilter because it’s not something I ever thought I’d see on his beautiful face. I clench my other fist, resisting the innate desire to cup his cheek and feel that bit of day old stubble. He squeezes my hand.
“Once I’ve shown you everything, and explained it all to you, you can leave if you want to. But just know that I wouldn’t change the day I met you for anything.” His face lowers and his lips brush my forehead. A multitude of possibilities run through my mind, all wrecking havoc with my already muddled feelings.
Cameron opens the door slowly, quietly. He blocks my view as he leads me into the room, the quietness infiltrated by the sound of a steady beep, and a swoosh. I don’t have time to wonder what it is because Cameron steps to the side and suddenly I feel a weight on my chest.
An older man is lying in a hospital bed. The beeping sound is coming from the machine that’s monitoring his heartbeat, and the swooshing sound is coming from a ventilator. It’s connected to the breathing tube that’s taped to the man’s mouth and I watch as his stomach moves up and down as the machine pumps air into his lungs, breathing for him.
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