My stomach drops and the worst feeling of dread settles over me, over us, cloaking us.
“It’s your dad, Cam. He’s…he’s…dead.”
* * *
Nothing.
I feel nothing.
I stare down at my father’s lifeless body and feel… nothing. I don’t know what to feel. Relief maybe? That he’s finally gone to a better place instead of being stuck in a fucking hospital bed? I.don’t.know.what.the.fuck.to.feel.
The coroners place my father's body, which suddenly doesn’t even feel like my father anymore, on a gurney and wheel him out of the make-shift hospital room that has been his ‘home’ for these last two years. They carry him downstairs and outside to where their van is parked and I watch my mother fall to pieces. Brett is holding Candice, Noah is holding Hannah and Hayley has taken it upon herself to comfort my weeping mother because I can’t find it in myself to do it. The van drives away and we all stand in the driveway until it disappears throughout the gates.
I turn around and walk up to my room, shutting the door behind me. As soon as I’m alone, I crack, and for the first time since Hayley told me my father is dead, I feel something.
Guilt.
I killed him.
He’s dead because of me.
I’m a monster.
A murderer.
Everything I have worked hard to make peace with surfaces, making me feel like the nineteen-year-old kid who holds himself responsible for what happened to his father. I’ve destroyed our family and taken away the love of my mother’s life. I’ve robbed my sister of a father and Jordan and Aubrey of a grandfather. He will never get to see me graduate, he will never see Aubrey and Jordan grow up. He will never get to see me get married and start a family of my own. And he will never be able to tell my mother he loves her, ever again. Of course, he hasn’t been able to do any of those things since the night of the accident, but we all still held out some hope that a miracle would happen, and he would be able to return to us. But he’s gone. And it’s because of me.
I stare at myself in the mirror, and suddenly unable to stand the reflection of my own face, my fist comes up and shatters it. Shards or glass fall and cut into my skin, but I don’t care. I want it to hurt. I want to feel the pain. It’s only a fraction of the pain I have inflicted on those I love the most.
“FUUUUUUUUCK!!!” I yell into the empty room, dropping to my knees. Hot tears streak down my face and I start sobbing, feeding off the hatred I feel towards myself. I slam my bloodied fists onto the tiles, not giving a fuck that it hurts like hell. I deserve it.
I hear my bedroom door open slowly and then shut again, but I don’t look up. The way the hair stand up on my arms and my nape indicates that it’s Hayley. Even when I’m a total fucking mess, my hands covered in blood and my face wet with tears, my body still responds to her presence. But I don’t want her here. I don’t want her to see me like this. I don’t want to hurt her but I know I’m going to. I always knew breaking her heart was an inevitability, but I had hoped it would be a little while longer before I tore it to pieces.
“Oh my God, Cameron. Are you okay?”
She kneels down next to me and tries to reach for my injured hands but I don’t let her.
“Let me get you cleaned up,” she says. Her eyes are still red, and I hate myself for what I’m about to do to this sweet, incredible girl. But it’s for the best. She’s better off without me.
“No,” I grind through my teeth. My jaw ticks as I try to reign in my anger. “You need to leave, Hayley. Now.”
Her eyebrows dip in confusion and I can see the wheels turning in her head. “I’m not going anywhere.”
“LEAVE!” I yell. “JUST FUCKING LEAVE, HAYLEY, I DON’T WANT YOU HERE.”
I choke back a sob because the way she looks at me, all lost and scared, is tearing me to shreds, and I can’t deal with anything more right now.
“Why?” Tears stream down her face and the internal struggle between my heart and my head becomes a full on war. I want to pull her into me, hold her tight and breathe her in until I feel okay. But I also want to push her away and protect her from what I am. God. please, don’t let me destroy her. Please, God, please.
“Because I don’t want you here, Hayley!”
She flinches, her eyes searching my face for only she knows what. “But I love you, Cam.”
Her eyes widen with her admission, like she never meant to say it. Something in my chest tightens. I love you, too, I want to say, but I don’t. Instead I scowl and move away from her. It’s for the best, I remind myself, saying it over and over like a mantra. It’s better to get this over with now than when we are in too deep.
Who the fuck am I kidding? I’m already in too deep.
“Leave, Hayley. Just get the fuck out of here!”
She stands up and backs away, cupping her mouth and clutching her stomach. Her body is shaking, and the tears are unending. God, I’m such a prick.
“You don’t mean that,” she cries. The anguish in her words comes to me quietly but slices me open and leaves me raw. She doesn’t deserve this, but I do, and watching her walk away from me, is an image I won’t soon forget.
Chapter 18
~ Hayley ~
I know I ran down the stairs of Cameron’s parents’ house. I know I tripped over my own feet in their driveway, trying to get away. I know I nearly veered off the road going back to my grandmother's because I could barely see through my own tears. I know that I collapsed the minute the front door shut behind me and I know that Ari was hysterical, because she’d never seen me that way before. But I don’t remember anything except the feeling of my heart being ripped to shreds, piece by bloody piece. My chest physically ached, not only for Cameron and his family, for the loss they had experienced, but also for the loss I felt when it was all over. It has been a five long and excruciating days since I left Cameron kneeling on the floor of his bathroom, his hands covered in blood. And it has been five long and excruciating days since I have been able to take a decent inhalation of air. Because that’s how he left me. Feeling like I had the wind knocked out of me. I always knew there was a chance that he would break my heart, and he certainly did a sterling job with that, but there was one thing I never counted on. Him breaking me.
By the third day, I pulled myself together and realized that I was not one of those girls who could sit around and wallow in the claws of self-pity. Nope. I had to move on pretty quickly because I have a little girl who depends on me, and if there is one single reason for me to get up after being knocked down, it’s my Ari. That doesn’t mean I wasn’t hurting, or that I’m not still hurting, because I am. Deeply. Like my soul has been put through a meat shredder and fed to Hell Hounds. But I put on a brave face and pretend that I’m fine, because that’s what Ari needs to see. My grandmother doesn’t buy it though. She hears me crying at night when I’m alone in my room, and I can see the sympathy in her hazel eyes every morning when I’m walking around as nothing more than a shell of a person. Her words ring loud in my head every day that goes by. “It gets easier, sweet heart. You just have to take one day at a time. `’
With the help of final exams, I’m able to stay somewhat distracted, my thoughts only drifting to Cameron on occasion. I’ve spoken to both Hannah and Candice almost every day since Mr. Argent died, and I’m grateful that neither of them brings Cameron into the conversation. It’s bad enough that I send him text messages and get no reply. And yet, I can’t seem to stop. All I want is a sign, that he’s okay. Something, anything to ease the constant throbbing in my chest.
There’s a tentative knock on my door, just as I zip the back of my black pencil dress.
“Come in.” I call out. I stare at myself in the mirror, noting the dark circles under my eyes and the way my cheekbones are slightly more protruding now. The black dress hangs loosely, instead of hugging my curves like it used to. The girl in front of me a stranger, and an idiot. But that’s the thing about love. It sneaks up on you, and you only
realize it after the damage has been done. Yet, I wonder if it’s even possible to fall so irrevocably in love with another human being in such a short amount of time. It sounds ridiculous, but I can’t deny that it’s a definite possibility in my case. It’s like Cameron had a direct line to my heart, my thoughts, my body and oddly enough, my daughter, too. I think that’s what makes it hurt so much more, his willingness to be not only with me, but with Ari too. And I know she knows he’s not here anymore, with me, because she asks about him everyday. “Where’s Cam, mommy?” she’ll ask me, and I’ll rip myself apart coming up with another lie, just to pacify her, reassure her that she hasn’t done anything wrong. Neither of us has, really. I guess it just happened.
The door opens and my grandmother appears in the mirror. Ari jumps from her place in my grandmother's arms and comes straight to me. “Are you ready?” My grandmother asks, watching me with her all-knowing eyes. “Hannah’s here.”
“Thanks, Gama. I’ll be down in a minute.”
She nods, and leaves Ari and me alone. I pick her up and hold her to me, feeling unprepared and shaky. I want to take her with me, but a memorial service is no place for a toddler. I reconsidered going, just to avoid having to see Cameron, but after speaking to Candice and Hannah this week, I decided I wouldn’t be going for him. I’d be going as a show of support to his mother, and his sister, who have both become very dear to me. Admittedly, that was reason enough to go.
“You excited to see Macy?” I ask Ari. Taylor is looking after her, and I’m glad having Macy to play with will distract her. She looks up to meet my gaze and touches her hand to my cheek. I love it when she does that. We stand there for what feels like an eternity, just staring at each other, having a silent conversation that daughters seem to have with their mother. Everything will be okay, mommy, I imagine her saying, and I’d say, how can you be so sure, to which she would reply, because we can get through anything, as long as we have each other…
“Yes,” she replies quietly. She tucks her head into my neck and starts humming ‘You are my sunshine’ as I make my way downstairs to where Hannah is waiting. Ari is uncharacteristically quiet, and I worry that my mood over the last few days is starting to wear her little heart down. All the more reason to stand up, and keep movin’ on, I tell myself silently. After I make it through today, that’s exactly what I plan on doing. My life will go back to the way it was before Cameron, it’s that simple. Or that’s what I tell myself.
“Hey Hayls,” Hannah says, giving both Ari and me a hug. She looks tired and as ready as I am to get this day over with. “You almost ready? I need to be there a little earlier to help Cam - ” Her words stop abruptly and her eyes grow sympathetic.
“It’s okay to say his name, Hannah.” No it’s not. It hurts. “I’m ready, let me just grab my purse and my coat.”
I say goodbye to my grandmother and Ari, hesitating slightly when I have to let her go. The drive to the church is quiet, and Hannah doesn’t force a conversation, so I don’t either. When we arrive, Hannah is dragged away to tend to some arbitrary detail about the catering for after the service, so I take a seat in one of the middle rows. I stare ahead, catching sight of the blown up photo of Cameron’s father. He’s smiling, and I can see where Cameron gets his roguishly good looks from. I’m willing to bet his father was just as charming and free-spirited as Cameron. A light tap on my shoulder startles me and I spin around, finding Cameron’s mother standing next to me. I jump up and before giving it a second thought I wrap my arms around her in a gentle embrace. “Thank you for coming, Hayley,” she whispers, her voice cracking.
“Of course,” I tell her. She smiles weakly at me before telling me she’d better go find Candice. Eventually everyone is seated, and as soon as the hairs on my arms and the back of my neck stand up, I know Cameron is close. I turn around to find him, and when I do, it feels like the earth has dropped from beneath my feet and my lungs wrung out until I can’t breathe. He’s not alone. Rachel has one of her arms around his and she’s leaning against him. Her eyes are the first to find me and she gives me a wicked grin before putting her mask back into place. Cameron’s eyes find me next, but for the first time since we met, they’re unreadable pools of black, empty, hollow, and void of any emotion. His face is gaunt and he hasn’t shaved in days, his face covered in a darker stubble. It’s odd, because he looks hung over. Classy, I think to myself. Show up to your father's memorial service not only hung over but with a hooker on your arm, too. I’m about to laugh at my own joke when Hannah’s voice stops me.
“Hayley, sorry I left you alone…” she comes up to my side and sees Rachel and Cameron, effectively interrupting whatever she was going to say. Instead, “What the fuck?” flies out ore her mouth.
“Hannah!” I chide. “We’re in a church, and at a memorial service!”
“Yeah, and if it wasn’t Cameron’s father’s memorial service, I’d slap him silly and pull that bitch’s extensions out.”
Candice walks up to us, and as I greet her she also spots her brother, glaring at him from over my shoulder. “What the fuck?” she says, mimicking Hannah’s reaction from a minute ago.
“I know, right?” Hannah responds.
“I’m going to say something to him,” Candice starts but I grab her arm. The last thing we need at a time and place like this is drama.
“Candice, don’t. I think you should find Brett, and take a seat with your mom. It looks like they’re almost ready to start.”
Her eyes search my face, and then she nods. “Okay, but only because this isn’t the time or the place to beat my little brother's ass.”
I chuckle, the sound coming out flat. “I’ll see you after?”
“Yes.” She hugs me and then wanders off towards the front of the church where Brett is sitting with her mother.
Hannah and I take a seat, just as Noah walks past us on his way to the front, where Cameron is sitting with Rachel. Hannah scowls at Noah and he ducks his head, knowing exactly why his sister is killing him, slowly, with her eyes.
The service is beautiful and people talk about their memories of Mr. Argent. I hug Hannah to me as she cries, comforting her. I don’t cry, because I didn’t have the opportunity to know Cameron’s father. But the urge to cry is still there, even if it is for an entirely different reason. I keep it together until the service is over, and at the first opportunity, I escape to the bathroom just to catch my breath. “You can hold out, Hayls, just an hour longer,” I murmur to myself, perched on the edge of the closed toilet seat. Breathe in, breathe out. When I open the bathroom stall, Rachel is leaning against the bathroom counter, arms folded over her chest. Her fake breasts perk up, and her long over-dyed blonde extensions hang down to her waist. She must be great in the sack because I have no fucking idea what Cam sees in this bimbo, I wonder idly. I remain silent, not acknowledging her presence as I wash my hands, my head down, focusing on the flow on the water rather than the way she looks at me.
“Stay away from him,” she says, her voice impassive but still threatening.
I dry my hands, and face her. “Excuse me?’
Rachel scowls and I imagine her thick layer of make-up cracking from the movement of her muscles. “You heard me. I said, stay away from him.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
She rolls her eyes. “Just stop with the messages, and the calls, okay? Cameron doesn’t want you, and I’d think that by calling me during this tough time would have made it clear.”
I shake my head, swallowing the words and the sickening emotions that are threatening to take over. Keep it together, Hayls.
“I have nothing to say to you, Rachel. If you know he doesn’t want me, then why are you here telling me to stay away?”
“Because if you don’t, I will make sure he sees that little video you have.”
I freeze, my eyes widening. “What?”
“You seriously have no idea who I am, do you?” she laughs and it’s a sadistic sound. “Oh wow,�
�� she continues. “Kimber is going to love this.”
My head whips up at the mention of that name, a name that I haven’t heard in two years but still makes the blood in my veins turn cold.
“Kimber Allen?” I ask.
Rachel smirks. “She’s my cousin.”
Her threat doesn’t seem so harmless anymore and the thought of Cameron finding out about my history is terrifying and enough to make me physically sick.
“Are we clear?” Rachel snaps me out of my mental trip down memory lane and I feel my head bobbing up and down in a nod. I don’t want to give in to this bitch, but if I don’t, the repercussions of ignoring her threat can be far more damaging. Again, I wonder what Cameron sees in her. I mean, she must have class if she’s willing to threaten me at a memorial service of all places.
“Good.” Rachel sneers at me a beat longer before walking out of the bathroom. I feel my eyes start to burn, but biting the inside of my mouth manages to squelch it long enough for me to escape. In my haste to get away, to go home and see Ari, I forget about my coat and sneak out the church. I hug myself, feeling foolish for braving these ridiculous winter temperatures in nothing but a thin, long sleeve black pencil dress, but it’s no comparison to the inner turmoil I would have experienced had I stayed. I can’t stand the thought of Cameron and Rachel together, and even braving the snow that has started falling is more appealing. Of course I should have considered just how cold it is before I left my coat behind. My grandmother's house isn’t far, but even I’m not deluded enough to see the idiocy of this plan. I barely make it halfway up the road when I hear my name being called behind me. It has to be him. I almost roll my eyes at the cliché I now find myself living in.
“Hayley!” His voice comes to me, like flittering light in a dark storm, and I clutch it to me, because I know it’s fleeting. God, I miss him so much. Pinching my eyes closed for a brief moment, I turn around slowly, and no matter how hard I try to remain unaffected by his presence, seeing Cameron is still a punch to the stomach. I already feel winded as his eyes clash with mine. He walks closer, my coat resting on his arm.
Precious Consequences Page 18
