by Ruby Cruz
“Grandfather was a complicated man. And I know he had a lot of regrets the past few years. I do wish I’d been closer to him, but after years of him not being very nice to Will and my parents, it was hard for me to forgive him. Don’t get me wrong, I miss the man I knew as a child, but to be completely honest, it’s almost a relief that he’s gone because things with him had gotten so messy. And I feel like a terrible person to say these things.”
“You can’t help how you feel.”
“No, but I could have tried harder to forgive him when he was alive. I’ll always regret not having fixed things before he died.” She cleared her throat, then drank deeply of her wine. “I guess I can just hope he’s looking down on me and knows that I don’t hold any grudges against him anymore.”
“I’m sure he is. Someone that tough usually sticks around to see who shows up to the funeral.”
She laughed. “Yeah, I can imagine him doing that. Floating around and making comments about which business associates sent the largest flower arrangements and seeing who cried the hardest. Aunt Catherine wins that prize.”
“I’ll say.” As much as I resented her for the comments I’d overheard, I struggled to give her the benefit of the doubt. Maybe she’d been lashing out towards me in ill-placed grief.
“Having Will decide to help with the company in such a large capacity has certainly improved her mood. She’ll probably throw all her energy back into work once she’s recovered.”
“What does that mean for her research?”
“Still up in the air, but we’ll know more once the deal in San Francisco goes through. Are you planning on returning to Meryton tonight?”
The question gave me pause. I’d thought we were all returning to New Jersey together, but the way Dr. DeBourgh had been talking, I wasn’t so sure. “I’m scheduled to work tomorrow so I have to go home. But with all these changes, I’m not sure what’s happening.”
Darcy appeared in the doorway and walked into the room but didn’t sit. “Lizzy, Nico will have to take you to the airport. I’ve arranged for you to fly home this evening.”
“You’re not coming?”
“There’s too much to be done here. I’ve already notified the practice I’m taking a leave of absence and have made arrangements for my patients to be seen until a suitable temporary replacement could be found.”
“That’s sort of sudden.”
“Yes, I know.” He scrubbed his face wearily. “Lizzy, I’ll accompany you upstairs so you may pack for the return trip home.”
With no other choice, I placed my glass of wine on the end table and maneuvered the crutches beneath me. Darcy followed close behind me, and I made quick work of moving through the house and making my way towards the suite. The heavy feeling in the pit of my stomach intensified, almost as if I were heading to the gallows. Maybe the feeling wasn’t too far off since I didn’t think I could survive if Darcy decided that, like his job with Meryton Cardiology Associates, we were on hold.
~
I hated this feeling of powerlessness. Before this week, I’d always viewed Darcy and me as being on equal footing, equal partners in our relationship despite the fact he owned the home we lived in and made more money than me. Now, as he assisted me up the stairs, my heart thumped painfully in my chest because I knew he held all the cards and I had no idea what hand he was going to play.
He held himself stiffly as we moved through the house. Once we reached the suite and he closed the door behind us, I asked him, “Why didn’t you tell me about what was going on with your aunt’s company?”
“It’s complicated.”
I paused to stare at him, then blew out a breath as I struggled to keep my temper in check. “That’s what you told me two days ago when I first asked you what was happening. I’m not stupid, Will. You taking this position means you have to give up your practice. Is that really what you want, even temporarily?”
He moved past me towards the balcony. He stood at the doors but didn’t open them, just gazed outside. “What I want doesn’t matter. My family’s company is at stake.”
I crossed the room to join him, but he continued to stare towards the ocean. “From where I stand, your family’s company was doing just fine without you.”
“There are things about the business you don’t understand.”
I threw out an arm in frustration. “Because you refuse to explain them to me. Do you really have that many reservations about my intelligence that you can’t talk to me about these things? Do I have to go to Ana every time there’s some family conspiracy going on?”
Finally, he turned to face me, but his expression was stony. Irritated, even. “This is why I didn’t want to discuss this with you. I knew you’d be upset.”
“And why shouldn’t I be? I’m your girlfriend. I thought we agreed there would be no secrets between us.” At this point, I didn’t care how loud my voice was.
When he responded, his voice was eerily calm, and I resisted the urge to shake him. “And there aren’t. This doesn’t have anything to do with you.”
The words cut into me, and an inexplicable pain bloomed in my chest. I bit my lip, ignored the pain, and this time I was the one who turned away, not wanting him to see the hurt in my eyes. “Maybe not, but this affects us and our relationship. Aside from the fact that I think it’s a huge mistake to put your career on hold, I know you can’t live in Meryton and work at your aunt’s company in San Francisco. It’s not feasible.”
He stepped in front of me so we were facing each other again and leaned down so I was forced to look at him. “I can take the company jet home every week and make sure we have the weekends together.”
I chuckled and he straightened. “Hon, we barely can manage that now between your work schedule and mine. This deal you’re helping out with at your aunt’s company…it may not have anything to do with being a doctor, but I know you. You don’t do anything halfway. I know you won’t come home until everything is done and settled.”
As the full realization of what was happening hit me, I struggled to maintain neutrality in my voice. “But that’s not why I’m upset. I wish you had trusted me enough to talk to me about this so I wasn’t relegated to finding out at the same time as people you don’t share a bed with every night.”
He clenched his jaw, but didn’t respond. I knew I was losing him but forged ahead anyway. “I would never ask you to shirk any responsibility you feel you have for your family. I know you’re just doing what you think is right and I’ll support you however I can.”
“You will?”
My heart broke at the words, because I understood that he still didn’t believe in me enough to trust me to stay with him and see this through, and that lack of trust brought doubt to our love. As much as I hated needing to affirm my feelings to him, I responded by laying a hand on his arm. “I love you, more than I could ever say. But I won’t lie and say I’m not disappointed in your lack of trust in me.”
“Like I said, this wasn’t about you.”
My hand drifted off his arm and I gripped the crutch for support. Nausea roiled in my stomach as I considered his words. “No, but I feel like I should at least have been a consideration.” I wanted to tell him that I would go with him wherever we needed to go, that I would stay with him, move to California or New York or live in a cardboard box in the subway if that meant I could stay with him. But I couldn’t. Because of his doubt in me, for the first time, I began to doubt him and his love for me.
We weren’t married. We weren’t engaged. I’d been dating him a year, and many relationships broke up for much less than this.
Is that what we were discussing? Were we actually considering breaking up? All I needed was an indication that he needed me with him, to go wherever he was going, that he actually wanted me there. He’d told me numerous times he loved me, but never once had he asked me to stay with him through all this. I felt like an afterthought.
“What do you want me
to say?”
Say that you love me. Say you can’t live without me. Say that you want me to marry you, to be with you, to never leave you. Say those words and I will follow you anywhere.
He continued to stare into my eyes as the words flashed through my mind, but I fell mute. Saying the words would essentially trap him into a corner and force him to make a declaration that he needed to arrive at freely with no provocation from me. The longer the silence stretched between us, the more my heart cracked and splintered, leaving shards that felt like rocks in my stomach.
When I said nothing in response to his question, he looked away and cleared his throat. “This has been a long week for both of us. Perhaps you should just go home. We can discuss this further after we’ve had more time to think.”
“Will, you can’t just avoid this discussion by sending me back to Meryton.”
“I’m not sure what you want me to say.”
“I want to know: what happens with us? Is there still an us?”
Something akin to hurt cross his face. “Of course. Like I said earlier, this decision doesn’t change anything.” The mask was gone, replaced by a rawness I’d never seen before.
But this changes everything. “If nothing has changed, then why didn’t you want to talk to me about it?” My voice was a mere whisper, but from the way his body stiffened, I knew he heard me.
“I didn’t know how to tell you.”
“So it was better not to tell me at all?”
He fell silent. “You’re right. I was ill-advised.”
“By whom?”
“Excuse me?”
“Did your aunt tell you not to tell me about the decision?”
His silence was all the answer I needed, and I fought against the fury that enveloped me. “You know, Will, I’ve tried very hard to be patient and understanding with your aunt, but she’s making it very difficult for me right now.”
“She’s just lost her father.”
“And that excuse goes only so far for so long. She hates me. She’d rather strip naked and sing the national anthem on live television before approving of your relationship with me.”
“That’s not true.”
“I overheard Her Highness telling Marjorie Hammond exactly how much she hates me. What did she call me? Oh, that’s right. I’m a ‘gold digging wench’ with no breeding.”
Darcy paled at the words.
“It was one thing when we were in Meryton and she in the city, but now you’ll be working at her company. You can’t tell me that this doesn’t affect us, especially when she’s made her feelings for me abundantly clear.”
“I’ll talk with her,” he said finally.
“And what are you going to say?” The question came out softer than the meaning of the words indicated. “She will never accept me because I’m too headstrong and outspoken and I lack the pedigree she admires. I can’t change those things, no matter how fancy I’m dressed or how much I temper my opinions.”
“So what are you suggesting?”
“Nothing. I doubt any conversation you have with her will change her opinion that I’m not good enough to be with you.” I blew out a breath and gathered my wits about me to chase away the tears that threatened. Because I didn’t want him to see the tears, I turned away and retrieved my duffel from the closet.
Darcy followed me across the room. “I’m a grown man in my thirties, Lizzy. She has no influence on whom I choose to be with. And I want to be with you. I want to have a future with you.”
I dropped the duffel on the bed. “And I want to share my future with you. But one question I keep asking myself is how am I supposed to be a part of your future if you won’t include me in plans for the future?” My eyes were dry now, frustration replacing the hurt, and I faced him again.
“I told you, my decision didn’t…”
“I know. It didn’t involve me. But I can’t help but feel that it should have included me. You’re going to be travelling across the country, spending weeks away, and you didn’t bother to tell me until the day you’re supposed to get on the plane? I’m sorry, Will, but that excuse isn’t cutting it anymore. This decision involves me because you’re a part of me and always will be.” I touched my palm to the center of my chest, to where the pain had started again.
“So, what? Do you not want me to do this?”
“That’s not what I’m saying.”
“Then what? Because I’m not going to choose between you and this.”
I stared at him as the meaning of his words sunk in. I let my hands drop to my sides and focused on not shaking him. “I’m not asking you to, because you’ve obviously already made your choice. You made that choice well before we walked into this room. And it makes me feel like I actually don’t matter as much as you say I do.”
“Don’t say that. You matter.”
“Not enough to give me the courtesy of a heads up when you decided to change our entire lives. You’re taking a leave of absence from work, will be travelling to California and staying for Lord knows how long, and you went days without one word of what was going on. I can’t help but wonder what else you’re keeping from me.”
“Nothing! I just didn’t know how to discuss this with you.”
“Well, you could’ve started by telling me you had a grandfather. We’ve been together nearly a year and you never mentioned him before this week.”
“Because I hadn’t actually spoken to him in years.”
“But he’s still family. It’s called a lie of omission, just like your discussions this week. ‘Everything’s okay, honey, nothing to worry your pretty little head over.’”
“I never said that.”
“You may as well have. How hard could it have been to sneak in this little conversation in the past few days? Why did I have to find about it from your aunt?” It felt like dèjá vu, like when Luke left Meryton for New York nearly two years ago. He’d also been afraid to tell me then.
Was I that unapproachable that the people I cared about didn’t want to talk to me about the important things? Maybe I was, but I still should’ve been told sooner, despite what my reaction might have been.
“So tell me what you would have me do.”
I stared at the impassive mask that had settled over his face. His feigned indifference was his crutch, his defense, and I knew the longer he maintained that expression, the more I was losing him. Despite this knowledge, despite the pain deep within my chest, I kept my resolve. “You can’t have this both ways. You can’t live a life dictated by your aunt and expect me to just stand by silently.”
“So you are making me choose.”
“Don’t you see? This is exactly what your aunt wants to happen. You’ve said you would never let her come between us, but that is exactly what you’re letting her do.”
“I’m building a future for us. You could even come with me.”
“That’s the funny thing. In choosing to do this, you never really considered us. You just made the decision and assumed I would just fall in line, but I can’t. You don’t even know how long you’re going to be there. It could be weeks, months. I have work and school - I can’t just stop doing those to follow you to California on a moment’s notice. You can’t expect me to just drop everything, to change my whole life, without asking for my input.”
His jaw tightened, and that small shift in expression hurt me more than any of his words. He wasn’t going to yield. That was the message he was sending me with the thin line of his lips and his obsidian eyes boring into my soul.
I wanted to tell him that I would do it, that I would quit everything and move to Antarctica if it meant being with him, but then I considered what that would mean. It meant that my life held less value than his, that my job and my career and my family were overall less important than what he valued.
And that left us at an impasse.
The knowledge broke my heart and my eyes filled. The stony expression on his face soft
ened slightly as the tears formed. I didn’t want his pity or his comfort. I wanted him to choose me. One year ago he had chosen me and I’d been the happiest woman in the world. Today, I felt just the opposite.
He moved to touch me and reached out a hand to wipe away a fat tear that had escaped and was rolling down my cheek, but I pushed him away. “No. You made your choice.”
“Lizzy…I need you to be with me. I need you to want to be with me.”
“Maybe you were right before. I should just probably to go home and take some time to evaluate what’s really important.” I moved blindly, threw my clothes haphazardly into my duffel. I started towards the bathroom, then stopped.
Oh, screw it. There were probably a half dozen other things I needed, but I couldn’t stay here, not when I couldn’t breathe just being around him.
“Lizzy…” he repeated more forcefully as he grabbed my arm. “Just wait a second. We need to talk about this.”
“I think we’ve talked about this enough. Maybe if we’d talked about this before you decided to drop this bombshell maybe things would be different, but I can’t. I just…I can’t right now.”
I pulled my arm away, the burning pain from his fingers branded into my senses. He’d allowed his arms to drop to his sides and merely stepped aside as I slung the duffel over my shoulder and painstakingly made my way out of the suite, fully aware he made no further attempt to stay me.
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
The Question
Once outside, I was fully aware how rash my decision was to walk out of the house. I had a bum ankle and even if I could find a car, I wouldn’t be able to drive it. Now that Darcy and I were fighting, I couldn’t exactly enlist Nico to drive me all the way to New Jersey. Besides, now that my relationship with Darcy was in limbo, I felt funny conscripting the use of the family driver or the company plane. Despite Darcy’s previous assertions, I was still the outsider, even more so now that we’d fought.
The plane also seemed out of the question since I didn’t think my stomach would be able to survive another plane trip, especially not now while upset and feeling queasy to begin with, and I’d forgotten to grab the anti-nausea medication in my rush to pack.
