Grace dropped Daniel and Lizzy at Caleb and Caitlin’s home and promised to see them again the following night after work. As Daniel climbed out of the car, Grace hugged him tightly and planted a kiss on his cheek.
“It’s been good to see you again, Danny. I’m sorry I got short with you.” Her eyes twinkled, but he couldn’t read what lurked behind her well-groomed facade, which he was now sure it was. Daniel smiled warmly and hugged her back.
Grace then turned to Lizzy and held out her hand. “It’s been lovely meeting you, Lizzy. I’ll look forward to seeing you again tomorrow.”
Lizzy took Grace’s hand and smiled affectionately. “I’ll look forward to it, too, Grace.” She then leaned in and gave Grace a hug.
Daniel placed his arm around Lizzy’s shoulder and waved to Grace as she sped off. Waiting for Caleb and Caitlin to climb out of their car, a wave of nostalgia swept through Daniel. It was all so familiar. Under the dim street lamps, the brown brick was as cold and unwelcoming as ever, although the small garden out front did help to soften it.
They followed Caleb and Caitlin inside. The layout was exactly the same as the house he’d grown up in, but the modern furnishings and light clean colours gave it a totally different feel. Daniel breathed a little easier.
Caitlin led them upstairs to the spare room. Decorated in warm yellow, a double bed dominated the space, along with an old chest of drawers standing on the wall at the foot of the bed. A cot for Dillon was tucked in beside the bed.
“I hope you’ll have enough room,” Caitlin said as she pulled the blind down and closed the yellow polka dot curtains. “I know it’s a bit tight.”
“I’m sure we’ll be fine,” Lizzy said. “It looks very homely. I just hope this little man doesn’t wake everyone up in the night.” Lizzy smiled at Dillon and grabbed his hand and gave it a waggle.
“Oh, don’t you worry about that. We’re used to it with our wee ones. They still wake up sometimes.” Caitlin chuckled as she fussed with the bed covers.
“Leave that, Caitlin. We can sort it,” Lizzy said, giving Caitlin a warm smile as she bounced Dillon in her arms.
Caitlin stopped fussing and squeezed her way back towards the door. “I’ll go downstairs and put the kettle on, but if you’d like to freshen up first, the bathroom’s through here.” She pointed to the door beside the bedroom at the end of the hallway.
“A shower and a cup of tea before bed sounds great, doesn’t it, Daniel?”
“Yes. Grand idea. It’s been a long day,” Daniel replied with a yawn.
Caitlin chuckled. “I’ll leave you to it. Come down when you’re ready.”
After Caitlin had disappeared down the stairs, Lizzy took out their night things and suggested Daniel have first shower while she changed Dillon.
When she looked up, Daniel was peering out the window.
“Are you okay, Daniel?”
“Yes, it’s just strange being back. Come and have a look, Liz.” He pulled her gently to his front and slid his arms around her waist. “See that house over there? The one with the street light out front?”
Lizzy followed the direction he was indicating and nodded.
“That’s our old house.”
As Daniel stood with his arms around Lizzy, gazing across the roof tops, the years fell away, and for a moment he was transported back to a far less happier time. He sighed deeply.
“Are you alright, Daniel?” Lizzy leaned back and tilted her head towards him so their eyes met.
He spun her around gently and traced his fingertips along her hairline. “Yes Lizzy. As long as you’re with me, I’m more than alright. I couldn’t imagine being here on my own.”
“Oh Daniel.” Lizzy searched his eyes as she lifted her free hand and gently caressed his face. “I can’t imagine how you’re feeling. But God’s with you too, and He’ll be there to help.”
“And for that, I’m forever grateful.” He lowered his head towards hers, and just as their lips met, Dillon let out a cry.
Daniel pulled away and poked Dillon’s little chest. “You, little man, have great timing…” He shook his head and chuckled. “I guess we can pick up where we left off later.” He flashed Lizzy a grin full of promise, and picked up his clothes before walking to the shower.
Chapter Seven
Daniel tossed and turned. Sleep eluded him. Dillon let out the occasional whimper and Lizzy breathed steadily beside him. Throwing off the covers, Daniel slid out of bed and put on the dressing gown Caleb had lent him before tiptoeing out the door and into the hallway. The floorboards creaked on the steps even though he purposefully only trod on the edges. A wonder the noise didn’t wake anyone.
Outside, the cold night air took his breath away. He pulled the dressing gown tighter and lifted the collar around his neck. If only he’d put on a heavier coat. Too late now. Walking briskly, Daniel reached the end of the street and turned left. The streets were silent, but in the distance a dog let out an occasional bark and a car horn blasted.
Reaching Teldarg Street, Daniel's heart raced. So many memories. This is stupid. Shouldn’t have come. He gulped and fought to remain calm. What had Paul said? ‘Doing the hard thing is the way to grow…’ Okay, God, I’m willing, I think, help me grow…
As he walked slowly along the street, memories of the day Mam died floated through his mind. Mam’d been sick for a while, but none of the kids really knew she was dying. She kept saying God would heal her. But He didn’t. None of the kids could understand what had happened when they were separated. Daniel looked up. God, why didn’t You heal her? I know You could have. Daniel wiped the tears pricking his eyes.
He stopped in front of the house. Very little had changed. Ugly brown brick. A shiver ran down his spine. Such a cold house. No-one ever wanted to leave the only fire and venture upstairs to their cold beds. No, the house held few happy memories. If only Da hadn’t drunk so much, things might've been different. Daniel closed his eyes and inhaled slowly, trying to control the tension growing in his body.
Clenching his hands, he looked up. His whole body quivered. “God, how do You expect me to face Da? You know I’ve been praying for him, but right now, I despise the man. I’m sorry, but that’s how I feel.” Daniel took a deep breath. “I’ll be honest - I don’t want to be here, God. I know I’m fighting against You at the moment, so You’re going to have to help me. Okay?”
Daniel took one more look at the house before turning and slowly retracing his steps. Could he face the man who’d destroyed their family?
When he slipped back into bed a short while later, Lizzy stirred and wrapped her arms around him. He closed his eyes and finally, sleep came.
“Well Danny, you ready?” Caleb asked as the four adults sat at the table finishing breakfast.
Daniel tensed. I’ll never be ready. He breathed deeply as his heart pounded in his chest. Was it too late to pull out?
Lizzy took his hand and squeezed it. No, this is stupid. I’ve got to do it. Get a grip, man.
He looked into Caleb’s eyes. “Don’t think I’ll ever be ready, but I’ll go anyway. We’d better leave before I change my mind.”
“Why don’t we pray before you leave?” Caitlin asked, looking at Daniel, her round face warm, jolly and caring.
Lizzy squeezed Daniel’s hand again and smiled at Caitlin. “That would be wonderful.”
“Let’s pray then.”
Daniel bowed his head with the others. Caitlin began, praying for God to be with Daniel as he met with his father. Caleb continued, and thanked God for bringing Daniel back to them, and asked that he might find it within himself to forgive Da.
Daniel hesitated. He should pray, but a lump had formed in his throat. His heart beat faster, and then Lizzy began to pray. He breathed out a slow breath. God, thank you that Lizzy knows exactly how I’m feeling.
“Lord God, we ask that You meet Daniel exactly where he is, and that You expect no more of him than he’s capable of right at this moment. Reward his willingness to
be obedient, even if he’s struggling with it. Let him draw on Your strength, Lord God, and may he know Your peace and love deep in his heart.”
Daniel squeezed back tears. He needed God’s touch more than ever. What was expected of him was more than he could do on his own. And to be honest, he didn’t understand why he should forgive Da. The man didn’t deserve anything from him. God, You really need to work this out in my life. I’m sorry, but I can’t say something I don’t mean. You’ll have to perform a miracle.
Thomas O’Connor was in a Rehab place run by the Salvation Army. As Caleb parked the car, Daniel steeled himself. Too many things in his head - his time in the building next door intruded into his mind.
“Not sure if I can do this, Caleb.” Daniel sat, frozen in his seat.
He closed his eyes and breathed slowly. He’d let everyone down, God included. Why couldn’t he just trust God like Paul had encouraged him to do? Why was it so hard?
Maybe Lizzy should have come. She gave him strength. No. I need to do this on my own.
Daniel turned his head and studied Caleb. He would never have expected his brother to be so solid.
“How did you manage it, Caleb? I’m really struggling with going in there.” Daniel reached into his jacket pocket and took out a cigarette. “Mind if I smoke?”
“Go ahead.”
Daniel offered the packet to Caleb, but he refused. Daniel lit up and inhaled slowly.
“I felt much the same as you, Danny. When Da first made contact a few months ago, I straight out refused to see him. He kept ringing. Every night. I refused to speak to him.” Caleb shifted in his seat. “Caity spoke to him though. Asked her not to, but she ignored me. She finally convinced me to see him.”
Daniel leaned his arm on the window sill and tapped the ash onto the ground.
“What d’you do when you saw him?”
Caleb drew in a long breath and chuckled quietly.
“You might not believe this, but I cried.”
“Go on. You cried?”
“Yep. Balled like a babby.” Caleb’s eyes twinkled.
Daniel shook his head. “That’s the last thing I’ll be doing.”
Caleb leaned forward and looked Daniel in the eye.
“You might be surprised, Danny. He’s not the git you remember. There’s hardly anything left of him, and he really does seem sorry for what he did. Says he’s found God.” Caleb winced and took a breath. “Don’t know whether he has or not, but me'n Caity, we decided to believe him. You decide what to do, but we figure he doesn’t have much time left, and it’s better to let it all go. Grace doesn’t feel the same. She won’t have anything to do with him.”
Daniel took another drag on his cigarette and then folded his arms. “Guess we’d better go in. Get it over with. You might need to hold me back though.”
“You’ll be okay, Danny. I think you’ll be surprised.”
“We’ll see.”
While the two little girls entertained Dillon, Lizzy helped with the breakfast dishes.
“Daniel seemed very nervous,” Caitlin said, hands deep in suds.
“Yes, I’m concerned about him. He’s been struggling with the whole thing ever since Caleb called.” Lizzy stopped wiping and stared out the window. God, please be with Daniel… he must be there by now…
“I’m sure he’ll be fine, but would you like to pray again?” Caitlin stopped washing and faced Lizzy.
“That would be great, Caitlin.” Lizzy smiled warmly at Caitlin. Such a wonderful surprise to discover they shared a common faith.
Caitlin dried her hands and then sat at the table. Lizzy took the seat opposite, and with their hands joined and heads bowed, they prayed for Daniel and his father.
“God’s with him, Lizzy.” Caitlin’s eyes sparkled as she raised her head.
Lizzy nodded, pushing back the tears that had welled in the corners of her eyes. “Yes, I know He is.”
Caitlin squeezed Lizzy’s hand, and then turned her attention to the little girls standing before her.
Walking along the corridors of Calder House, a cold, nauseating lump sat heavily in the pit of Daniel’s stomach. Every step brought him closer to Da. He recalled the verse Paul had asked him to memorise … ‘cast all your anxiety onto Him because He cares for you…’
‘Okay God, I’m casting my anxiety onto You now. You’ve got me this far, which is a miracle, but I don’t know how much further I can go.’
Daniel glanced inside each of the rooms he passed. The beds were full of men. Thin, sickly men, older than he, but any one could've been him in the years ahead. But God had saved him from this. How close to the edge he'd come, but God had stopped him tipping over, and given him new life full of hope and purpose.
And now he had the opportunity to reunite with Da. Was it possible Da was truly sorry for what he’d done? Daniel needed to be open to that possibility. To give Da the benefit of the doubt, like Caleb had done. But could he really do that?
‘God, I’m really not ready for this...’
The closer Daniel got, the harder his heart pounded. Caleb stopped in front of the last door on the left.
“This is it, Danny. You okay?”
Daniel inhaled deeply and shook his head. He couldn’t do it. How had Caleb made himself walk through that door the first time? Must be made of stronger stuff.
“Give me a few minutes…” Daniel walked to the end of the corridor and leaned against the door frame. Shivers ran up and down his spine and his hands shook. Why had he agreed to come? What would Lizzy think if he didn’t go in? To come all this way and baulk at the last moment?
Daniel turned as Caleb placed a hand on his shoulder.
“Take your time, buddy. There’s no hurry.”
Daniel looked up and nodded. If anyone understood how he was feeling, it was Caleb. He took some deep breaths and gritted his teeth. He had to do this.
Lifting his chin, Daniel forced himself to speak words he didn’t want to say.
“I don’t want to see him, Caleb, but I’ll do it. Once. That’s all.”
Caleb squeezed Daniel’s shoulder and held him at arm’s length.
“That’s all that’s expected of you, Danny. No more, no less.”
Daniel followed Caleb into the darkened room. Six beds in total, three on each wall. Five occupied. Daniel scanned each bed. His eyes rested on the last bed on the right. It had been almost twenty years, but he would’ve recognised Da anywhere. Yes, his body had shrunk, and his face was bony and thin, but there was no denying this man was Thomas Rory O’Connor, Da.
Caleb reached out and gently touched his arm. “Da, wake up.”
Da slowly opened his eyes, the whites no longer white, but yellow, like the rest of his body. He had trouble focussing, but his face lit up a little as he recognised Caleb.
“Caleb. Good to see you, son.” He held out his thin arm to Caleb.
Caleb helped him to a sitting position and placed several pillows behind his back. Daniel was shocked at the tenderness his brother was showing Da. He would never have expected it.
But then, although this man looked like Da, the similarity ended there. This man was weak, his voice no more than a raspy whisper, not loud and churlish as Daniel remembered. Difficult to tie the two together.
“Da, I’ve brought someone with me.” Caleb held Da’s hand and glanced at Daniel.
“Who’s that?” Da peered at Daniel, but there was no recognition on his face.
“It’s Daniel, Da. Daniel’s here.”
Until that moment, Daniel could have turned and walked away, but now it was too late. He had no choice. He had to face Da.
His chest tightened and he couldn’t speak. His mouth wouldn’t work. Gulping, he tried to steady his pounding heart.
Da sat straighter and peered at Daniel more intensely.
“Daniel, you say?” He glanced at Caleb and then back at Daniel.
“Yes, Da. It’s Daniel.” Just as well Caleb could speak.
“Ah, Dan
iel, my boy. Come here.” Da reached out his hand, and Daniel had no choice but to take it.
Da’s fingers were long, thin and bony. His grip, weak but warm. Daniel pushed back the tears that pricked the corners of his eyes.
“What a handsome boy you are. Come closer so I can take a better look at you.”
Daniel obeyed and sat on the chair beside the bed.
“I never thought I’d see you again, son. This is a real surprise.” The man’s face softened into a grin, the warmth in his voice throwing Daniel.
How can this man be Da? Got to say something... but what?
Daniel took a deep breath. “Da…” His voice faltered. He gulped. Caleb’s hand on his shoulder helped steady him.
“It’s okay, son. I know it’s a shock.” Da patted his hand. “I’ve seen the light. I’m not the same man anymore.”
Daniel blinked his eyes. This was too much to take. He didn’t know this man, and he had no idea how to respond. Da was a drunkard. A bully. This man was neither.
God, please help me. This is too hard.
“Da, Daniel lives in England. He’s married and has a little boy.”
A faint smile grew on Da’s face and his eyes lit up. “Is that right, son? You’ll have to bring them in.” He coughed and wheezed. “I’m sorry, son. This body, it’s giving way on me.” Another coughing bout interrupted them.
He didn’t look good, that was for sure. How long did Caleb say he had left? Daniel recalled his words...
“If he doesn’t get a liver transplant, he’s probably only got three or four weeks…”
Not very long at all. But this wasn’t Da. He didn’t know this man. How could Da have changed that much?
“I’m glad you came, son.” Da’s breathing was slow and measured. “I don’t deserve to see any of you. I was a terrible father.” Another coughing bout interrupted him. “I’m truly sorry for the way I treated you and Mam.” He struggled for breath, but continued anyway.
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