by Hayden Hunt
But I wasn’t relieved at all. The second he’d told me that I actually mattered to him, all I’d felt was… fear.
Fear of everything I’d already gone through. I’d been terrified that I would have to go through it all again.
What he’d done… the way he’d torn my heart out the first time around… it had broken me. And, after all these years, I’d gotten over him.
Okay, I guess not really. I was never going to be completely over him. But I wasn’t as insanely in love with him as I had been before. He wasn’t my whole world anymore. I had my own life now.
To allow him back in, to open myself up to him and potentially allow him to become my everything again just to be destroyed… I couldn’t do it. I was a strong person, but I knew what I could and couldn’t handle.
And I couldn’t handle this all over again.
The day he’d broken me was still fresh in my mind.
The night before had been the best night of my life, even to this day. It had been the night I’d had my first kiss… and not just with him, but with anyone.
I’d never had any interest in anyone before. Guys had been interested in me, sure, but they’d never caught my interest back. Everyone but him bored me. He’d been this interesting, unique, radiant creature, and everyone else had paled in comparison. He’d been the only one I’d wanted, the only one I’d cared about.
But I had resigned myself to never being able to have him. He wasn’t gay, I’d known that. He’d been raised in a strictly religious household, and being gay wouldn’t have even been an option. We’d never discussed it exactly because I’d never wanted to. I’d never wanted to hear him say it was out of the question because part of me had still fantasized that we’d one day be together. But I’d still known it was never going to happen.
Still, even knowing I couldn’t have him hadn’t made me want to try out anyone else. He’d dated a lot in high school, but I hadn’t seen the point. I had no desire to be with someone just for the sake of being with the person. If I was going to be with someone, I’d wanted to be with him or her because they meant the world with me. Being alone was better than being with someone who meant nothing to me.
And I hadn’t been able to imagine anyone meaning everything to me except him. I’d wondered if I’d ever find someone who would compare, and I’d just kind of assumed I wouldn’t. I’d resigned myself to being alone long before I’d even reached adulthood.
So, that night had caught me completely off guard.
I’d been the one to kiss him, technically, but I’d been able to tell he’d wanted me to, by the way that he had been looking at me. I’d been able to tell that he’d been so damn eager for our lips to touch. I’d known him almost as well as I’d known myself, and I hadn’t been wrong about it. It hadn’t felt one-sided, not in that moment.
And when I had finally gotten the courage to lean in and kiss him, it had been clearly been well received. That kiss had been… well, it had been absolutely everything. He’d lit a fire in me that, ever since that day, had not stopped burning. It’d been more magical than I ever could have imagined.
My wildest dreams had come true. He had made my fantasies come true. And, in that moment I’d thought… this is it. I was not going to have to be alone for the rest of my life. He loved me, too. It was mutual, and it was all going to be okay.
But I’d been wrong.
It hadn’t been mutual, and he’d made that clear from the second our lips had parted. While I’d still been basking in the glow of him, his entire disposition had changed within a minute. He’d clearly been uncomfortable, and he’d made no attempts to hide it. He really, really didn’t wanted to talk about what had just happened.
And I did. I’d wanted to talk about it more than anything. Questions had raced through my mind, and I hadn’t been able to believe that all he wanted to do was sit down and watch a damn movie. Well, I didn’t want to do that. I couldn’t do that. I’d just stared at the television blankly, not processing anything.
But I’d loved him more than I’d loved myself, so I’d sacrificed the way I always had. I’d kept my mouth shut, even though it’d ached me. I’d made sure that, if he didn’t want to talk about it, then we didn’t have to. I hadn’t wanted to make him uncomfortable.
I only wish he’d had the same consideration for me.
It hadn’t been him not wanting to talk about the kiss that had broken me. I won’t say it hadn’t hurt, to have that moment with him and have him pull away, but that was something with which I could have lived.
I’d already thought we’d be together, so it wouldn’t necessarily have felt like a great loss. We could have continued to be friends. I could have lived my life without any romantic interest from him. It’d been painful, but not the kind of pain that broke a person.
It had been everything he’d done afterward.
I’d known from his reaction that we would never be romantically involved, but I had assumed that we could still be great friends. I’d believed that after an awkward night of ignoring each other, we’d wake up and act like it’d never happened and continue on with our lives as usual.
But when I’d woken up the next morning, he’d no longer been in bed next to me. To my surprise, he hadn’t even been home anymore! I’d had no idea where he’d gone, and I hadn’t ended up finding out until his mother had informed me.
“Jesse went out with his friend Caleb to the mall about an hour ago,” she told me in her usual bitter tone. “He wanted me to let you know.”
Okay, that was the weirdest thing ever. Not only had Jesse never left the morning after a sleepover without telling me, but he’d also never left messages for me with his mom.
And for good reason. He’d known how his mom had felt about me and how strained our relationship had been. Jesse had done his best to make things as easy on me as possible. But now, he had left me in this downright awkward situation.
“Oh… okay,” I’d said unsteadily. “I guess I’ll just pack my stuff and go then.”
“That would probably be best,” his mother had said in her usual snobby way. God, I’d hated her.
But I hadn’t been able to worry about that at the time because I had been too worried about Jesse. Why had he done this? Why had he just left? Had it been his way of saying he was mad at me?
That wouldn’t have been fair, though. I’d known I’d been the one who’d initiated the kiss, but he had been sending out clear signals that he’d had feelings for me, too. He hadn’t pulled away, he hadn’t told me not to. In fact, he’d made out with me for a good ten minutes. Never once had he given any indication that he’d been uncomfortable.
If he had been, all he would have had to do was tell me. He’d known that. Or he should have…
I’d had to it. I wouldn’t have been able to stand not knowing what was going on in Jesse’s head. We’d been best friends, we’d told each other everything. In all our years of friendship, we’d never had so much as a single fight.
And now he’d run off and left me alone in his house? To hang out with Caleb, of all people?
He hadn’t been particularly close to Caleb. Caleb had been one of the cool guys at our school, and with my reputation of being strange, he hadn’t a fan of me in the slightest.
Caleb had liked Jesse, though. But Jess had usually refrained from hanging out with him since he’d never been able to invite me. And now he’d ditched me for him while I’d still been at his house?
I’d felt confused and hurt, but I’d believed it would be fixable with a little communication. So, I’d gone down to the mall to figure things out with Jess myself.
He hadn’t been hard to find once I’d gotten to the mall. Our mall wasn’t like most city malls; it wasn’t that big. It was just about twenty stores, and he’d only liked three of them. Sure enough, I’d seen him in his favorite clothing store when I’d walked by, though I’d seen no sign of Caleb.
My heart had been racing as I’d walked in, unsure of what I would say or what
Jesse’s reaction to me would be. But I hadn’t planned out any kind of speech, because that wasn’t the kind of thing Jess and I had done. We’d spoken from the heart, always. We’d always been the most honest versions of ourselves with each other.
“Jess, what’s going on?” I’d asked, as I’d walked up behind him.
He’d jumped a little bit, clearly not expecting me to be there.
“Holy fuck, you scared the shit out of me,” he’d murmured. “What are you doing here?”
“Well, uh, your mother told me that I could find you at the mall. Your mother, Jesse? Really?”
He’d sighed. “I’m sorry. I just woke up hours ago, and I… I couldn’t stay home. I just needed to get out. I’m sorry.”
“Why didn’t you just wake me?” I’d asked. “I could have got out of the house with you.”
The hesitant look on his face had said everything. He hadn’t woken me because I’d been part of the reason he’d needed to be out of the house. Hell, maybe I’d been the whole reason.
“You’re feeling weird, I get it, I’m feeling weird, too. But we can figure this out. I get it, that you’re feeling weird, I get it, the kiss was—”
“You kissed him?!” A voice from behind had cut me off, and I’d recognized it immediately as Caleb’s.
I’d whipped around to see him standing there with his jaw wide open in shock.
“This is none of your business,” I’d said coldly and defensively.
Caleb had ignored me, looking over at Jess. “Did he seriously kiss you?!”
Jess had been like a deer in the headlights, clearly unsure of what to say or how to react to either of us. “Uh, well, yeah but—”
“Oh my god, what the fuck is wrong with you?!” Caleb said immediately, stepping toward Jesse and putting his arms around him. He’d whipped his head back toward me. “How could you!?” he’d snapped.
“Wh-what are you talking about? You weren’t even there, you have no clue what happened.”
“Uh, I know you kissed him! That’s all I need to know! You, like, totally violated him, dude.”
I’d scoffed. “No, I didn’t! Can you just butt out of this?”
“No! I’m not going to stand by while I watch you harass my best friend. You clearly freaked him out, so just screw off. We all know that you’re a faggot, but that doesn’t mean you can just try to force your lifestyle on anyone you want.”
I had never wanted to punch someone in the face more than I had right that second. I’d been positively, absolutely livid with him.
But I’d been even more livid at the fact that Jesse had just stood there silently.
“Are you seriously going to let her talk to me like that?!” I’d asked. “Like I’m some creepy gay rapist? When you know damn well that you wanted me to kiss you.”
Jesse’s once shocked faced had then turned angry and resentful. “I did not want you to!” he’d snapped back.
“Yeah, you did!” I’d insisted. “I know you. You may regret it, and that’s fine, and you may have no interest in me, and that’s fine, too, but—”
“Holy fuck, you just can’t let it go, can you!?” Caleb had snapped. “He made himself very clear. He did not want you to kiss him, and you’re being even more of a creep by not accepting it! Can you leave him alone? He obviously doesn’t want to see you.”
“Shut up!” I’d practically yelled at him, garnering a few looks from other shoppers around us. “You don’t even know him!”
“Uh, yes I do. He’s one of my best friends. I know him, and I know he’s definitely not gay. And I know he doesn’t want to see you anymore. Right, Jess?” he’d nudged him.
I’d looked at him expectantly. Surely, even if he’d stayed silent in the conversation so far, he was going to stick up for me now when he’d been directly asked. He’d known I wasn’t a creep. He’d known he and I were so much closer than he was to Caleb, who was a near stranger. I’d known he’d stick up for me…
“I think you should go,” he’d said to me suddenly, his eyes downcast to the ground.
My heart had sunk.
“Jess, don’t do this. Don’t do this just to put on a show for this vapid freak,” I’d said, as I’d motioned to Caleb. “If you allow everyone to think I creeped up on you, if you make a fool of me right now, it’s going to be the end of our friendship. Do you get that? Do you get how fucked up this is?”
He still hadn’t been able to make eye contact with me.
“Uh, the friendship is already over,” Caleb had blabbed. “It was over the second you tried to kiss him, creeper.”
“Is that true?” I’d said, directly to Jesse, not even glancing at Caleb. “Was our friendship over the second I kissed you?”
He’d finally looked up at me for a second. “Yes,” he’d said, before looking down again.
I hadn’t been able to believe what I’d heard. It’d been like a knife to my chest. I’d almost felt like I hadn’t been able to breathe for a second.
This couldn’t have been happening. Jesse, my absolute best friend in the world, couldn’t have been doing this to me. And in public, no less.
We’d been so fucking close. Best friends hadn’t even begun to accurately describe how close we’d been. With him, I’d found intimacy that I’d never known before, and it hadn’t even been physical. We’d had a connection.
And he’d planned to throw all that away. And why? Had it really been because I’d kissed him? Or had it been because he hadn’t wanted Caleb to know he’d wanted it? What reason had been decent enough to throw away years and years of friendship?
Caleb had given me a rude I-told-you-so look, he was still standing in front of Jesse, and I’d had no choice but to walk away. There’d been so much more I’d wanted to say, but I hadn’t been able to after having been humiliated like that in front of Caleb.
Still, I’d thought maybe my walking away would have been enough to allow Jess to see his mistake. I’d thought for sure, as I’d made my way for the door, he’d have called out after me. Ran up to me and apologized, told me it’s not true, told me he could never have just ditched me like that.
But he hadn’t come after me. I’d waked all the way out of the mall feeling empty and alone, and he’d made no move to correct things between us.
And, as hurt as I’d been, as I’d gone home, I’d found myself still wishing that I’d hear from him later on that night.
I’d found myself continually making excuses. Like, okay, so he hadn’t come after me at the mall, but he would definitely call me tonight. There’s no way he wouldn’t. He’d realize how much he’d fucked up, and he’d call me.
And if he had called me, I know I would have forgiven him. I would have let it all go, if only he’d made the call. But he hadn’t.
And when I’d gone back to school on Monday, he’d walked right by me in the hall. He’d sat next to me in biology and hadn’t even glanced at me. I’d become a ghost to him.
A broken, lonely, ghost of myself.
I’d thought the bond we’d shared couldn’t be broken. I’d thought, with each other, we would have been able to get through anything. But a kiss? A kiss had been all it had taken to break our bond forever? How could that have been possible?
Because Caleb had been a giant fucking gossip, word had gotten out pretty fast about the kiss with Jesse. And, of course, everyone’s anger had been pushed on me and not Jess. I’d gotten made fun of quite a bit. Thank god there had only been a few weeks until graduation, because had my entire high school experience involved so much bullying, I probably wouldn’t have been able to make it through. And I’d thought I had pretty tough skin.
Of course, Jess had never stood up for me through all of it. I’d always known he’d cared what people thought about him, but apparently I hadn’t known how much. I hadn’t thought he’d ever let me take the fall like this, while he looked like an innocent victim, and I looked like a predatory gay guy.
Those were some of the worst weeks of my life. And n
ot just because of the bullying, but also because I’d had to see Jesse every day and be ignored by him. I’d never lost hope that he’d do the right thing, never.
Even when he hadn’t talked to me on graduation day, I still hadn’t given up hope. In fact, on graduation day, I’d started hoping more.
He’d cared so much about what other people thought, but there wouldn’t be other people to judge him after graduation. We’d just had to graduate, and then we’d be in the real world, not having to deal with clique, stereotypes, and the bullying that exists within the public education system.
We’d be on our own, as adults, without anyone to judge us. At the very least, he wouldn’t have had to be embarrassed to be my friend anymore. I’d been sure that, any day after graduation, I’d hear from him. Especially now that he hadn’t had school during the day to keep him occupied. I’d missed him terribly, and I’d been convinced he’d missed me, too.
But evidently, he hadn’t. Because instead of coming back to me and apologizing during that summer, he’d left. Moved states away without so much as a goodbye… without even letting me know. I’d heard about it through social media.
It’d taken me a long time to get over that pain, a long time. But eventually, I had. I’d moved on with my life, gone to school, started a nursing job that I loved. And it may not have been happiness like some people would have imagined it, but I’d still been content.
So, to potentially go back in my recovery, to open myself up to him and be treated so cruelly again, it was something I couldn’t do.
So, I made a commitment to go back to the way things had been before he’d come. I wanted to find my inner calm again and not be plagued on a daily basis by the turmoil that was missing him.
Every day, I got up, I got ready for work, I came home and cooked dinner for myself like I always had. I watched my favorite shows, read my favorite books, I went about my life.
But it never felt like I really was going about my life.
Every day that passed, I only seemed to think about Jesse more. It was like he had invaded my brain, and I was furious about it. I wanted nothing more than to go back to my regularly scheduled life, and I felt like I couldn’t.
