Zaena: Are you not a goblin?
Hiccup: Are you not a lizard?
Zaena: We will discuss this later.
“Like fick we will,” Hiccup grumbles as he gets into position. “And by the way, next time we play this little game, I get to be the ballistics expert and Ryuk gets to be the honey trap.”
“But … ” Ryuk bites his tongue, knowing better than to argue with a cranky goblin with a bright pink topknot wearing a matching tutu.
Zaena: Weapons up.
Three musicians approach, slowly, and after seeing their stats, Ryuk immediately pops his mag out and loads it with more black and molten marbles. The three are all clad in zoot suits and wide-brimmed black hats. Their clothes are tailored and they wear cowboy boots with sharp stirrups. Each has a guitar case clutched in their hands.
Berserker Warrior Level 20
HP: 1183/1183
ATK: 275
MATK: 19
DEF: 140
MDF: 46
LUCK: 19
Berserker Warrior Level 17
HP: 641/641
ATK: 215
MATK: 9
DEF: 113
MDF: 39
LUCK: 15
Berserker Assassin Level 15
HP: 587/587
ATK: 172
MATK: 11
DEF: 94
MDF: 51
LUCK: 8
Boss battle. A reticle appears on Ryuk’s viewing screen and he keeps it trained on the most powerful of the three.
“A trio of crappy busker bitch-serkers, huh? Mother of fick … ” Hiccup grumbles. “All you sorry fickers, the first one that plays Kumbaya gets a tomahawk up the chalupa.”
Zaena: Stop bitching and bait them!
Ryuk: Am I the only one that has looked at their stats?
“Keep your underoos on, Marbles,” Hiccup says as he waves and blows kisses at the buskers. “Heya fellas! Did your dads teach you how to play the skin flute or was it your uncle?”
The three desperados stop. The first places his guitar on the ground, pops it open, and pulls an OFB Amogh Carbine from it.
He pops the magazine in and points it at Hiccup. His pearly whites gleam from the shadow cast by his black hat as a grin spreads across his face.
“FICK ME!”
Hiccup can barely get the next string of curses out before the other two can equip HK416Ns. The goblin’s scutum appears and with his hands over his head, he covers his back with the large shield as the three berserkers unleash of fury of metal unhappiness at the goblin.
Brrrat! Brrrat! Brrrat! Brrrat! Brrrat!
“We need Twixy!” he shouts, his voice muffled by the bullets dinging off his shield. “YOY!”
No, we need leverage. Ryuk holsters his marble gun and pulls out his slingshot. In the pocket goes a clear marble and he fires it off with the command, “Disable firearms!”
The marble connects with the most leveled of the three and a wave of force boomerangs around him. It skips to the second berserker and the third.
The three of them stop shooting.
Shit!
Ryuk goes with his marble gun and fires off a string of molten and black marbles. Zaena accompanies him with arrows. -45 HP! -39 HP! -58 HP! As they take damage, the three dive sideways and the berserker slides into a wall, where he sticks to the sidewall of the fishery as if the wall were made of flypaper.
It’s at this point that Ryuk realizes just how epic of a fail his Simple Request attack just was.
And as if a light bulb flicked on over their heads, the three berserkers realize that the laws of gravity no longer apply to them.
Guns a-blazing, the three run along the sides of the buildings, matrix-ly defying in-game physics as they leap up onto the fisheries and dip back down into the alley sidewalls to avoid Ryuk and Zaena’s attacks.
As he fires, replaces his mag and fires again, Ryuk catches Hiccup also trying to run up the side of a wall, which ends poorly. The goblin screams his favorite curse word, falls backwards, and immediately starts nursing a healing potion.
Damn goblin!
The high level berserker flips onto Zaena’s rooftop and away go her two bows.
The faceoff begins.
Ryuk watches wide-eyed, sure that the berserker is going to mow her down with his carbine. He gains a sudden sense of respect for the berserker when the guy equips a buster sword instead. The two charge one another, Zaena’s hands and ghost limbs spinning blades as she meets the berserker.
Realizing he’s about to go head-to-head himself, Ryuk gums a few molten marbles and keeps the end of his marble gun trained at the corner of the rooftop. He spins, checks his three o’clock and his nine, spins again and does the same.
The other two berserkers have completely disappeared. His nerves crawl as he whips around, trying to pinpoint them.
Extreme Focus.
Thinking the skill does nothing. The digital adrenaline coursing through his veins has him on high alert and his ability won’t take. He’s so focused on the corners of the rooftop that he doesn’t see one of the berserkers fire on him from the sidewall of a different fishery.
-16 HP! -20 HP! -12 HP! -17 HP!
Even with his Dream Armor taking the brunt of the bullets, he still loses almost a hundred HP. Ryuk hits the deck with his marble gun up.
On his belly now, he awkwardly tries to figure out where the bullet came from. The molten marbles warm in his mouth, Ryuk calms his beating heart with a deep breath and his Extreme Focus finally starts to work.
A red outline creeping towards Zaena’s rooftop.
“Fuck you.” Ryuk unloads the entire magazine on the red outline, ruining his opponent’s surprise attack.
Instakill!
Skill level up!
Skill: Extreme Focus
Level Three: Can detect approach of camouflaged/concealed/stealthed enemies and objects.
Mage bonus: Higher levels allow sleuthing and increased accuracy. Also increases magic detection range when used in tandem with Magic Eye.
Requirements: LUCK > 11
Ryuk pulls himself to his feet, crouching as he desperately tries to find the other berserker.
-62 HP!
BANG!
Ryuk’s spirit is stripped from his avatar the moment the phrase you have died appears across his vision pane. He watches in slow motion as his body hits the parapet again and topples to the street below. The berserker stands behind him, smoke streaming off the end of his handgun.
Ryuk is an apparition now, floating above the battle. He’s been here before with his last avatar – if Zaena and Hiccup die, the Mitherfickers fail the quest and will respawn back at the Mondegreen hostel. If they win, Ryuk respawns albeit with his life bar half full.
“I’ll fickin’ murder you!”
Ryuk’s spirit turns to find Hiccup embroiled in an epic wrestling match with the berserker who just took his life. Frothing at the mouth, the goblin tries to get the upper hand.
For his troubles, the gassy goblin takes a direct shot to the stomach that leaves him bleeding out.
-200 HP!
“Yoy, FICK!”
Not one to go down without a fight. Hiccup recovers quickly and springs onto the berserker, his toe knife in hand.
“Fick you!” he bellows as he jabs repeatedly at the berserker’s neck.
The furious goblin quickly overwhelms the berserker and soon, the berserker is left marinating in his own pool of blood.
Hiccup removes his helm, runs his hand through his pink topknot, and gives a double thumbs up at the sky in the general location where he thinks Ryuk’s spirit may be floating. “Good job dying, Marbles. Luckily, everyone’s favorite goblin is now at level fifteen.” He cups his mechanical hand at the side of his mouth. “Wrap it up, Liz!”
With the grace of a whirling dervish, Zaena twists around the strongest berserker mage and skewers him completely, separating both his arms from his body. Instakill! His arms fly into the air, blood spraying from the w
ounds, and the berserker falls from the rooftop.
(x)__(x)
Ryuk respawns at half health.
He stands, blinks, wipes his Dream Armor, and is just about to climb back up to one of the rooftops when he sees a lone figure appear in the distance. As the figure approaches, his outline flashes green.
Algomagic.
“Well, look what the fickin’ lian dragged home!” Hiccup tosses his healing potion aside, hops from the rooftop onto a crate, and from there onto another crate, eventually landing on the ground to the left of Ryuk.
Dirty Dave Level 99
HP: 8999/8999
MANA: 4697/4697
ATK: 3347
MATK: 1679
DEF: 3000
MDF: 3000
LUCK: 115
The immiNPC is in a shiny black suit and a pair of loose cowboy boots. Hung from his neck is a bolo tie shaped into a nazar.
“Dirty Dave!” the goblin says, his arms wide. “Put ’er there, old pal!” Suspicion paints across the goblin’s face as the famed weapons dealer places his hands behind his back.
“Wait a fickin’ minute. You’re not here to fight us, are you? Ah fick, ah fick!” A spiked club appears in Hiccup’s mechanical hand. “It was Ryuk’s idea to fight you!” He bristles, gains his composure and takes a step forward. “But before we battle, I just want to say, I believe whole-fartedly that you, sir, are innocent. I just want that on record.”
Damn goblin.
Ryuk is on the verge of turning to Hiccup and yelling baka when Dirty Dave starts laughing. “You three against … me?”
Zaena lowers herself from the rooftop and gets into a defensive pose. Ryuk reluctantly unholsters his marble gun and aims it at the torso of the powerful Mind Mage/weapons dealer/rumored drug kingpin.
With just the right amount of flare, Dirty Dave releases his hands from behind his back and shakes them out. “Rest assured, Mitherfickers, I may very well fight you one day, when your guild is complete and you actually stand a chance. But now is not that time. Lower your weapons, or don’t. It’s not like you’d hit me anyway.”
A treasure chest falls out of the air and lands in front of the three Mitherfickers.
“I’m here to give you your reward. For successfully protecting a shipment of pharmaceuticals set to ship off to Polynya, here is your 10,000 rupee reward!”
“Fick yeah! All right, Marbles, you and I are getting our chalupas wet tonight!” With that, Hiccup charges the treasure box and jams his grubby hands in. “Love that feeling.” His nostrils flare as he inhales the money. “And the smell!”
“I apologize for him,” Ryuk says as he takes a step closer to Dave. He glances to Zaena, who watches Hiccup bite down on one of the rupees to test for authenticity. “If you don’t mind, Dave, I have some questions for you.”
“Oh?” Dirty Dave cocks an eyebrow at him.
“Earlier tonight, we were tricked by the Shinigami.”
“And the White Warrior betrayed you?” Dave asks, his eyes flashing orange.
He’s a Mind Mage, Ryuk reminds himself.
“That’s right. We want, I mean, we need to get a message to Sophia, head of the Knights of Non Compos Mentis. You said you had some relation with my former guild, if I remember correctly.”
“I do.”
“Can you pass a message along to her?”
Dirty Dave shrugs. “You have learned many things in the last few days, and I’m sure the betrayal you experienced tonight stung. I can tell you this: this is just the beginning. As an immiNPC, I prefer to be a spectator in what is set to take place as it will directly affect me in ways I’ve yet to fully comprehend. I’m sorry for being vague, but this quest is yours alone to take.”
“Is that a no?” Hiccup asks, another rupee in his mouth.
“It is.”
“A lot of fickin’ help you are, Dirty Dave.” Hiccup stands and pockets a few rupees. “My guess is you could easily get a message to Sophia. Dunno why you’re holding back on us, but if it’s rupees you’re after, that’s not a problem. Name a price, pal, we got angel investors!”
Hiccup bats his hands over his head, again terrorized by Zaena’s ghost limbs.
“We still owe 70,000 rupees to FeeTwix’s fan who gave us a loan,” she hisses at him.
Hiccup snorts. “Pfft! Every goblin worth his weight in rupees knows the best way to get rid of debt is to ignore it.”
“I’m not interested in your money,” Dirty Dave says flatly. “The Knights are the most powerful guild in Tritania. As a former, lesser member of the guild, you should know this, Ryuk.”
Lesser member?
“You will need to go to Polynya yourself and try to get an audience with Sophia yourself. That said, you should know: because of an attack that took place an hour ago, entry into Aramis, the capital city of Polynya, has been severely restricted.”
“An attack?” Zaena gasps. “What happened?”
“It seems the Shinigami are stirring up trouble everywhere. Only people that are residents of the city can enter. The Knights are overseeing the investigation, which is how, I believe, you could get a message to Sophia.” A sinister grin spreads across his face. “There may only be one way to truly get their attention, and that may be to do something that warrants them coming after your guild. This is just a suggestion. There may be other ways.”
Hiccup’s eyes flash as an idea takes shape in his head. “So we fick the place up, and the Knights and the city guards come. Easy peasy. But that doesn’t answer the question: how the fick do we get in if there’s a travel ban?”
“The continent is brimming with quests that could grant you entry to the city. I suggest starting there. If not there, at least begin at one of the entries to the catacombs.”
Ryuk nods. More quests, easy. He then looks at his two guildmates, and narrows in on Hiccup, who has a finger up his nose. Well, easier said than done, but still doable.
Dirty Dave turns, stops, and looks over his shoulder at Ryuk. “Do you mind if I borrow four of your marbles. I’d like to run some tests.”
“Um … ” Ryuk reaches into the pouches on his belt and retrieves a single black marble, clear marble, sword marble, and a molten marble. He walks over to Dave and extends his hand. “Here you go.”
“Very good. We’ll be in touch soon, after you’ve completed the next leg of your journey. Good luck, and keep your heads down.”
Chapter 4: Special Delivery
Ambient music by Hiroshi Yoshimura pipes in from the small, cylindrical speakers in Kodai’s kitchen. He doesn’t normally spend much time there as most of his meals are specially delivered for him. Most of his dinners, if he eats dinner at all, are eaten at some of Tokyo’s finest restaurants, or at one of his hostess bars.
Today is different. The Yakuza lord doesn’t feel like being disturbed yet, and as the bright morning sun fills his apartment, Kodai actually feels an overwhelming sense of joy.
Today, in less than an hour, his new humandroid bodyguard will be delivered.
Which reminds me… he thinks as the messenger interface on his iNet screen flashes.
Kodai: Please pack your things and leave.
He returns to his automatic espresso machine, watching as two shots pour into an imported demitasse. Once the tiny cup is full, he throws it back and closes his eyes for a moment, ignoring the bitter taste as he waits for the caffeine to take effect.
His attention shifts to the bottom right hand corner of his iNet screen.
Kodai’s Ballistics Mage avatar has hit the level necessary to travel easily to Polynya, and for Kodai, this means to travel in a way that doesn’t raise suspicion from Tritania’s AI, the Sage of Gotha.
He quickly checks his avatar’s stats and skills.
Kodai Matsuzaki Level 15 Ballistics Mage
HP: 830/830
ATK: 213
MATK: 176
DEF: 98
MDF: 105
LUCK: 7
---
Skill: I
nquisitor
Level Three: Obtain information through enhanced interrogation techniques. Higher levels allow for more vigorous methodology and more effective deception.
Requirements: LUCK > 9
---
Skill: Mask Stats
Level One: Keep others from knowing your stats. Works on any player either below or within eight levels of your current level. Higher levels allow for customizable stat-based deceptions.
Requirements: LUCK > 6
---
Skill: Breath of Fire
Level Two: Place a molten marble in your mouth and use it to spit flames. Damage increases with level.
Damage: 9% if enemy is less than level 30; 6% if enemy is greater than level 30.
Odds of instakill: 6%
Requirements for instakill: LUCK > 7
---
Skill: Explosive Blades
Level Three: Using three marbles, two knife and one black, cause confusion and pain through an additional shrapnel bonus.
Damage: 19% if enemy is less than level 30; 8% if enemy is greater than level 30.
Odds of instakill: 3%
Requirements for instakill: LUCK > 8
---
Skill: Crucify
Level Three: Using two jagged knife marbles, quickly pin an enemy to an object. The object must be at least the length of the target’s outstretched hands. High levels allow for longer pinned times.
Damage: 3% if enemy is less than level 30; 4% if enemy is greater than level 30.
He senses a presence and blinks his eyes open.
Sarah the Australian stands before him completely nude, the look on her face the same as the previous night, when he was watching her. Her skin is porcelain, her breasts ample, the look on her face undeniably sexy.
Now isn’t the time.
Kodai’s eyes drop from her breasts to the single slit of hair shaved into her pubes. “Where are your clothes?”
“Ohayo gozaimasu,” she says in a high-pitched voice not her own.
“I won’t ask you again.”
Tension spreads across Sarah’s forehead. “You already had me sleep in another room, which is kind of humiliating, you know.”
Fantasy Online Polynya: A LitRPG Saga Page 4
