“How’s this, Hiccup?”
“Fine, Twixy, let’s just get started.” Hiccup flutters his finger along his neckline. “I really, really am hoping for a new necklace.”
(x)__(x)
The most important thing is the thing most easily forgotten – breath. Ryuk remembers Hajime’s oblique quote as he thinks about the mystic class. Tamana was a White Mystic in her previous incarnation, but like FeeTwix, she ended up focusing on her main class more. It appears that Enway may be different.
“I’m checking the deck again,” FeeTwix says.
“You’ve already fickin’ checked it twice!”
“You’ve also won twice.”
“Yeah, but we’re not playing for keepsies yet! Lighten up, Twixy.”
Zaena throws her head back and laughs.
“Sheesh, Liz, keep your cackle below two hundred decibels.”
The game of Three Cards is goblin logic in a nutshell. First, you take all the even cards and Queens out of the deck. Jacks count as eleven and Kings as thirteen. The two Jokers in a deck clear out all the cards currently in play.
The players take turns placing cards side by side. As soon as the combined total of cards in play adds up to a number divisible by three, the first player to stab their knife on the last card in play gets all the cards. If the first card is a three, it doesn’t count. If you run out of cards, you lose. If you win all the cards, you win. If you lose a hand, you lose.
The game, while incredibly dangerous, is also incredibly loud. It’s also known to ruin a new table relatively quickly.
“Another thing,” Hiccup says. “If I win bigly, we are reopening the discussion about our guild’s logo.”
“Oh?” Ryuk asks.
“I’m thinking of a tattoo on my arm, hell, maybe my forearm. Now that I’m no longer a security guard and don’t need to keep to a formal attire, I can get all the tats I want.”
FeeTwix grins. “Which arm?”
“What the fick kind of question is that, Twixy? The only arm I have, not the steamed up mechanical monstrosity you handed down to me. And another thing – this mechanical arm warms up the side of my body if I keep it at my side. I think it’s fickin’ with my digestion.” He releases a cloud of evidence and sighs. “See what I mean?”
“Did he just fart?” Enway is still next to Ryuk, but she has since returned the sleeping baby dragon to Ryuk’s backpack.
Rather than answer, Ryuk pops open the porthole. The fresh air does little to cut the peppery stench from the little cabin, but it was worth a shot.
“Where are you from, up there?” Enway asks as the other Mitherfickers return to their game of Three Cards.
“Japan. You?”
“Ooo! I’ve been to Japan. Are you from Tokyo or, um, what’s the other famous place?”
“Tokyo, and there are many famous places. Where are you from?”
“Mexico City.”
“In Mexico, huh?”
“No, Ryuk,” Hiccup calls over, “Mexico City, Texas. Of course Mexico City is in Mexico. Or is Texas part of Mexico? No? It was, though, right? Fick, I hate cowboys. I’m sorry, Elfy, he’s way less cultured than me.”
She giggles and Ryuk feels his face go red with embarrassment. The thunk from a knife stabbing into the table disrupts his thoughts.
“Fickin’ cheater, Twixy!” Hiccup grabs his toe knife and points it at the Swede.
“Cheating? How the hell am I cheating? Three plus one plus three plus five is twelve!”
“You are supposed to let me play the last card before you stab the table!”
“You did play the last card, Hiccup!”
Zaena cracks up again.
“Shut your mouth, Liz, unless you’d like your boyfriend to lose his chalupa!”
Enway turns slowly to Ryuk. “Chalupa?”
“It’s what he calls his penis.”
Enway bursts out laughing. “You are the funniest goblin I’ve ever met!”
Hiccup, still with his knife trained on FeeTwix, turns to Enway and grins. “Go on ... ”
“You call your dick a chalupa!”
“And?”
“Do you even know what a chalupa is? How do I explain … ” She thinks for a moment and says, “A chalupa is a fried tortilla in the shape of a boat with a spicy filling. If anything, it is the exact opposite of a penis.”
“Are you saying that my chalupa is … ?”
“You should call it a churro!”
Hiccup slowly turns his knife from FeeTwix to Enway.
It’s FeeTwix’s turn to crack up as his fans send him pictures of chalupas and churros. “Ah, I get it now! A churro is like a long cinnamon stick that looks way more like a dick than a chalupa.”
“What the bloody fick is going on here!?”
“See for yourself, Hiccup!”
“Holy fick! I’ve had it wrong this entire time.” He gnaws on his lip for a moment and considers this. “Nope, alternative facts. Not gonna buy it, assholes. I know fake news when I see it. Anyone can generate some art featuring a churro and a chalupa. Hell, even my inbred-ass cousin Spew Gorge can do that.”
Ryuk drops his head in his hand and Enway laughs.
“Keep it to yourself, Elfy.”
“You could actually fit a churro in a chalupa, if that helps you better understand your confusion,” she offers.
“What the fick ever. Fake news. Shuffle the desk, Twixy. Liz, keep your ghost limbs to yourself.”
Chapter 7: The Bronze Crystal Super Package
Surprisingly, no one loses a hand or a chalupa in the hour it takes to fly from Aramis to the continent of Polynya. The game of Three Cards ends abruptly after Hiccup accuses FeeTwix and Zaena of ganging up on him, and forfeits, and since he forfeits, everyone keeps the item they wagered: Hiccup his jewelry box, Zaena her Unigaean necklace, and FeeTwix his wooden horse.
All portholes in the small cabin are now open, a testament to the power of Hiccup’s potent flatulence. Ryuk can see that the ship is lowering, and the creaking sound of the oars powering it makes him question the ship’s craftsmanship.
Because of the blockade, the Mitherfickers are forced to land in a city known as Clim, west of the capital city of Porthos. Ryuk has visited the city once before, which is known for the friendly deer that populate the place. Unlike the other deer in Tritania, the deer in Clim will eat out of your hand. There’s also a popular zoo in Clim which contains some of the rarest animals in the world, including a tame land dragon that is available for rides and a tardigrade petting zoo.
“This way,” Enway says as soon as they’ve exited the ship.
Ryuk feels a tug on his sleeve.
“You sure I can’t stay back and pound some drorikh and later some orc chippies with Captain Rehab?” Hiccup rubs his grubby hands together.
“I never said you couldn’t.”
“Someone needs to be the role model for the guild. Fick, with the vain Swede, touchy Thulean, and your emo ass, not to mention the fact we now have a snowflake of an elf fond of alternative facts, there is absolutely nobody for any of you kiddos to look up to. Guess I’ll stick around.”
“And you’re the role model?”
“I’m the hero you fickers deserve, not the hero you need.”
Ryuk shakes his head and Yangu wakes. The ice dragon looks down at Hiccup, pulls its neck back, and fires a cold blast at the goblin’s head.
“Fick!” Hiccup pats his head to make sure his pink hair is still intact.
FeeTwix laughs as he wraps his arm around Zaena’s waist. He kisses her on the cheek and she smiles softly.
“We will need to get a wagon if we hope to get to Katiyana by nightfall.”
“When the fick did we agree that we were going to Katiyana?” Hiccup asks.
“That’s why she joined us,” Zaena reminds him. “Also, we talked about it in the ship, after you left to go to your ‘safe space’ after being ‘cheated,’ as you put it.”
“You two were cheating,” he says b
itterly, “and I didn’t go to my safe space. I went to the latrine, or whatever the hell the bathroom is called on a ship.”
“You’ll love Katiyana,” Enway calls over her shoulder. “It’s a quaint mountainside village. So pretty at night, especially with all the stars.”
“I fickin’ hate elves, those hoity toity high and mighty fickers,” Hiccup grumbles. “Drows, I can get down with, but fick high elves.” His expression suddenly changes as a sly grin spreads across his face. Again, he tugs at Ryuk’s sleeve. “You don’t think there’s a whorehouse there, do you? ‘Cause that’s something I can totally get behind! Get it?”
Hiccup snorts at his own crude joke and Ryuk pulls his arm away. He steps to the front of the group, and keeps quiet as Enway leads them past a small roadside stand manned by a short gnome with a long white beard and Buddy Holly glasses.
“Hey!” the gnome calls after them.
He reaches his hand around and beats it on the front of his stand. “Young adventurers! Slayers of dragons, um, never mind that last part! Yes! Yes! Yes! Rescuers of the imprisoned and handsome commoners! Goblins galore, do I have a deal for you!”
Zaena stops and the short gnome’s eyes lock onto her Unigaean necklace. “Me-oh-my-oh-me, it’s really a piece of Olivas, isn’t it? Marvelous!”
Ryuk quickly reads the sign on top of the gnome’s stand: Marty the Gnome’s Overland Tours. He glances at Enway and she shrugs. “Works for me.”
“Works for you? Not yet I don’t! I must prove my worth, young adventurers! Please, allow me … ” Marty the Gnome hops off a stool and comes around to the front of his stand. “I’ll start with admiring your necklace, Thulean beauty.”
Zaena smiles. “It was a gift.”
“A gift from Unigaea,” he says as a memory sweeps over his face. “I am from Unigaea, I’ll have you know. I came here several years ago. I love Polynya, mind you, but one can never forget their homeland.”
Hiccup takes two steps closer to the gnome, sizing him up. He’s two heads taller than the immiNPC and at least two sizes larger.
“And this chic goblin. What might I ask is your name?”
“Chic?”
“Chic! A great name!”
Hiccup bares his teeth. “The name is Hiccup.”
“Short for Hiccupanaratapana, correct?”
Hiccup’s snarl turns into a slight grin. “Yes, that’s … that’s my full name.”
“And may I say, I love what you’ve done with your pink hair, neat arm too. And you, marble slinger, put your hood on and let me see how cool you look.”
Ryuk gives him a funny look.
“I’m waiting,” Marty the Gnome says, his voice pitching up.
“Don’t keep the man waiting, Marbles.”
“Fine.” Ryuk pops his brown hood up and quickly pulls it back down.
“Astounding! And you, the black-eyed blondo hero of the group, put ‘er there!”
Marty and FeeTwix bump fists. “Pleasure to meet you, Marty!”
“The pleasure is all mine. Ah yes, finally we come to the elf, a tall and beautiful elf if I’ve ever seen one! With luscious locks and pointed ears and skin the color of cream, you must be, without a shadow of a doubt, royalty.”
Zaena’s smile shatters and she covers it by looking away.
“Just any old elf,” Enway says, kicking at the ground.
“Why good! Good! And you are in need of transportation, are you not? Might I suggest Sulitlana, where you will find the most delectable treats? We could also head to Talini, if you’d like to see ancient Tritanian culture in practice. How about Naklan, home of the infamous game of Natty Dread!”
Hiccup whips his finger out of his nose. “Fick no! You see this tin can of an arm? This is what happens when you play Natty Dread, that or you lose your chalupa.”
“Churro,” Enway corrects him.
“Ah, then I know the perfect place for you, Hiccup, a city to the far east called Bluwid, which is a goblin hotspot, as I’m sure you know!”
“Second only to a goblin wetspot!” Hiccup chortles at his own joke and Marty joins him.
“Okay, okay, enough silly talk, let’s talk business. I’m going to be honest with you five because I like you. I love the diversity, from a goblin to an elf to a Thulean to a couple of pretty standard commoners.”
“Pretty standard?” Ryuk asks under his breath.
“And the ice dragon! How can I forget that cute little ice dragon. You guys have some quest ahead of you, I’m sure, which is why I think we should start with my very best tour package, the Diamond Platinum Plus Package, which gets you passage to any city in Polynya aside from Porthos as it is closed down, but including Waringtla, the Saiduka giant city. This all-inclusive package includes complete protection against any enemy forces, a covered wagon with an open bar inside, a full body massage, as well as a Unigaean lullaby that will put you to sleep immediately, so you awake in the new city well rested.”
“The cost?” Hiccup asks, suddenly growing suspicious.
“For you five, the cost is significantly cheaper than the other adventurers I meet. I love the diversity, like I said, but let’s not talk cost first, let’s talk needs.”
“No, let’s talk cost, Marty,” FeeTwix says, taking the lead. His eyes flash blue and he offers the gnome a smile. “We’ll start there, then we’ll get to needs.”
“The cost is a low, a very low, forty-five thousand rupees after a ten percent diversity and inclusion discount.”
Zaena gawks at the cost. “For passage to any city? We could walk to the next city for free!”
“But my dear! There are all sorts of enemies that, ahem, adventurers under level twenty will not be able to face. That said, there are two more exciting packages I can offer.”
“Or we can find another wagon.” Enway nods to a few more wagons down the way with their drivers out front, calling out costs.
“By the Empress’ impressive stature and humorous musings! Those wagons?” He laughs. “Paltry, pathetic, pacifistic drivers who, by the way, actually work with many of the bandits that frequent the wagon paths. So sure, go check their prices, be my guest.”
“Enough with the fickin’ shilling, gnome, what’s your next package?”
Marty the Gnome takes off his glasses, wipes something off the lens, and returns them to his face. “My next package is a dang good deal if I do say so myself! The Silver Ruby Bonus Package is similar to the Diamond Platinum Plus Package in the sense that it provides transport to any city in Polynya, aside from Porthos. This package includes protection from enemies as well as a covered wagon, but it doesn’t include any of the amenities of the Diamond Platinum Plus Package.”
“Got it, got it,” Hiccup places his hand on his toe knife. “The cost. How about starting with the cost.”
“A low, low price of thirty thousand rupees,” Marty says. “With a diversity discount of three thousand rupees.”
“Fick no, I could buy a new arm for that price, Marty. What’s your most affordable package?”
“Ah, the pleasant peasant package, as we like to say around here.” He glances around and laughs as if others are joining him. “The Bronze Crystal Super Package includes transportation to anywhere on Polynya, aside from Porthos. The wagon is not covered, and no protection is given. The cost is eight thousand rupees.”
“Done.” FeeTwix claps his hands together. “We can provide our own protection!”
“Are you sure? There are Magic Gorgers along the way. They don’t always come out, but when they do, it can be quite terrible.”
“Pfft! It’ll be a cold day in the Goblin Riviera when I’m afraid of a Magic Gorger. Any way you can throw the massage in there for 2k more?” Hiccup squeezes his trapezius. “I think I fickin’ slept wrong, that or bearing the weight of the world on my shoulders has finally paid its toll.”
“Not in this package, I’m afraid.” Marty turns from them to ready the wagon. “But I’m sure one of your guildmates would be happy to give you a
massage!”
(0)__(0)
As the Mitherfickers ride in their uncovered wagon towards Katiyana, Ryuk turns his backpack around and admires Yangu. He’s been so distracted since getting him, or bonding with him, that he hasn’t really had a chance to just look the baby ice dragon over.
Yangu’s blue skin tone lightens as it moves from his head, arms and back to his stomach. His scales aren’t yet sharp, especially the ones on the back of his neck, and his ruby red eyes are nearly shiny enough for Ryuk to make out his reflection.
The baby dragon coos as Ryuk touches his muzzle. It blows out a single snowflake, which melts before it can reach Ryuk’s face.
He sits closest to the driver, Marty, and next to him is Enway. Across from them are FeeTwix, Zaena, and Hiccup, who is currently using FeeTwix’s mirror to make sure his pink hair looks okay.
I wonder how long it will last. Ryuk thinks back to his botched Simple Request that gave the cantankerous goblin his pink topknot. His thoughts then move to his clear marbles, the wild card marbles, and if there will ever be a way to better utilize them.
A time marble would be helpful, and he’s been lucky enough to get several of those through his clear marble, but some of the other things the clear marbles have done, such as increasing his enemy’s attack power, make him wary these days of using them.
His sword marbles, black marbles, and molten marbles all seem to do the trick, leaving little to chance. And maybe that is the best strategy for him going forward, short and sweet, black and white. Eliminate the chance of failure.
Ryuk tunes back in to what Enway is telling the group.
“ … That’s why those men were after me, because I stole this.” She brandishes a little metal heart with gears inside. “It’s a mechanical heart. They stole it from this dealer who specializes in items from Steam, and I stole it from them. Pretty sure it’s worth something.”
“Thieving from a bunch of inbred thieves,” Hiccup murmurs. “I like it!”
“And what do you do with the artifacts that you steal?” Zaena still hasn’t warmed up to Enway, and Ryuk senses that it’ll be a while before she trusts any newcomers to their group.
Fantasy Online Polynya: A LitRPG Saga Page 8
