Hiccup takes a deep, angry breath. His face turns two shades redder, and just as he’s about to reach his breaking point, the goblin’s nose twitches. “What the hell is that smell?” His eyes soften and his nostrils flare up.
“Probably you,” Zaena says as they continue up the small hill lined with quaint shops including a place where one can have their ears expertly cleaned.
A smile forms on his face and he licks his lips, instantly forgetting what has just transpired. “Smells fickin’ yummy!” He drums his fingers on his belly. “My god, I can taste the dragon wings! Hear that, Snowballs? That’s what you’ll become if you don’t keep your ice bullshit to yourself!”
“That’s the local barbeque restaurant.” Enway points to a sign in the distance. “DD’s BBQ. It’s new, and very popular.”
FeeTwix’s eyes flicker as he scans messages from his fans. “Dirty Dave’s Barbeque? He’s a marketing genius! He’s got weapons covered, comfort food, illegal substances … Boy, does Dave have his hands in a lot of pies!”
“They don’t sell pies, Twixy, you vain fickwad. And say it with me, innocent until proven guilty. Any-fickin’-hoo, it’s time to slam! I’ll catch up with you fickers later,” Hiccup says as a bib appears around his neck. He shoulders past the Swede, a proverbial fire lit under his ass. The robust goblin moves faster than he’s ever moved, as if he’s suddenly dropped a hundred years, a hundred kilos, and picked up a pair of expensive DisNike tone-as-you-walk shoes.
“You guys have never heard of DD’s BBQ?” Enway looks at the four with disbelief on her face. “It is everywhere in Polynya, practically on every corner.”
“Like McStarbucks in Tokyo,” Ryuk says under his breath.
“And McStarbucks in Sweden,” FeeTwix chimes in.
“And McStarbucks in Mexico City,” adds Enway.
The three look to Zaena. “I don’t drink coffee,” she says, “but I have been to the new McStarbucks in Athos. They make tea out of Aramis weed that is very, very potent.”
(0)__(0)
“Again, I apologize for, um, our goblin,” Ryuk says, as the four approach a shop with a red door with the bright turquoise words RELICS ‘R’ US carved above it.
They stand at the top of the hill now, and from his vantage point, Ryuk can see very clearly how the village is built on the slopes of the mountains. The rest of the mountain village is scattered into the valley below, its most remarkable feature the dozens upon dozens of bell towers that crowd the airspace.
Enway produces a keychain and as she goes to jam it in the keyhole, all the bells of Katiyana ring simultaneously. They keep ringing, a cacophony of bright metal tones.
“What’s that?” Ryuk asks as she finishes unlocking the door.
Before she can answer him, a wave of green magic lightly spreads over the streets. It glitters as it touches the soil, disappearing into the ground.
“The high elves of Katiyana set up a series of hexes to protect the town from evil forces and algospells.”
“And they do nothing to this wolf you are dealing with?” FeeTwix asks.
“No.” The tall elven woman grins softly as she watches more of the green magic. Her long ears flatten a bit and perk back up as she inhales deeply. “I love this time of day. Can’t you feel it?”
Zaena shakes her head. “I can’t feel anything, but magic has never been my forte.”
“Come,” Enway says as she swings the door wide open, “I will make you some tea as we await the wolf and the goblin.”
“Do you think he’ll find the place?” Ryuk asks. “Not that it’d be bad thing to have an evening without Hiccup. It would at least smell better.”
FeeTwix laughs. “Ryuk is becoming funnier, everyone!” He aims his black peepers at Ryuk and stares just long enough to make the Ballistics Mage uncomfortable.
Enway leads them into a cramped shop filled with all sorts of trinkets and gadgets. It’s cramped yet organized, not quite a hoarder’s den but not far off.
FeeTwix’s mirror comes up. “Okay everyone, we have some top secret business to get down to so I’m going incognito for a moment! I’ve got a new contest up, see if you can figure it out. Hint – check my videos from Dead City. That’s all I’m saying! I’ll announce the winner of the three month TwitchTube Red subscription in the next thirty minutes, so stay tuned!”
His eyes flash blue and he exhales audibly. “Whew, it does get tiring though. I’m always, always on.” A look of realization flashes across his face. “Sorry, where were we?”
Zaena grabs his hand and kisses his cheek. “Relax, dear,” she whispers.
“Please join me in the back, there’s more space here.” Enway leads the three into a small room with a few old sofas pressed against the wall. Ryuk sits down and a cloud of dust rises off the seat cushion.
“I really need to clean,” she says, “but I’ve been busy hunting relics and artifacts.”
“Do you do this full time?” FeeTwix plops down and lays his head back. Zaena curls up next to him like a cat.
“I do,” says Enway. “I have some other associates as well, mostly in Hyperborea, but also one in Bluwid. We trade stock, share profits, but we stick to Tritania, unlike other Proxima Smugglers.”
“But with your network of smugglers you can get anything, correct?”
“Within reason.”
FeeTwix’s shattered Reaper skull takes shape in his hands.
Ryuk remembers him using it back in the Jatla Forest, and he knows enough about the Reapers to know that they have something to do with the Knights of Non Compos Mentis, his former guild, but that’s about the extent of his knowledge.
Zaena steps back and crosses her arms over her chest. She has grown more comfortable with the alien weapons FeeTwix is fond of, but she was never a fan of the strange skull, which allows FeeTwix to see the very gridlines that make up Tritania.
“I only have half the skull,” FeeTwix tells Enway. “I’ve been meaning to get a strap for it, so I can at least use it in a combat situation if necessary, but I’m hoping to get the other part if I can.”
“Where did you pick that up?” Enway asks, her eyes narrowing at the partial skull.
“A Proxima world known as Steam,” FeeTwix says after he hands it to her. “Specifically, in a contraband shop in the prison city known as Akrasia.”
“Interesting.” Enway runs her fingers along the jagged edges of the skull. She brings its single eye up, takes a look and nods. She places it on a table and moves to a back room. After rummaging around for a moment, she returns with a small wooden box.
Enway opens the box to reveal another piece of a Reaper’s skull, this portion a cracked frontal bone that is connected to a parietal bone with a reinforced hole drilled in it. “It’s not the full piece,” Enway says, “and you’d still be missing an eye and the other side of the skull, but I think if we connect yours to this one and get a leather strap made, it’ll be more usable. Actually, I already have a strap that will work.”
“Sure! Let me know what I owe you.”
“Consider it a gift to your guild,” she says, “for helping me back in Aramis.”
FeeTwix and Enway work on the skull for the next thirty minutes. They use a bottle of Gorilla glue that the Swede procures from his list to attach the two skull portions and as it hardens, Enway works on adding some holes to the short leather strap she found to use as the headband. Once it is finished, FeeTwix places the half-skull over his face.
“Pretty fickin’ cool, eh, Ryuk?” he says, bowing to Ryuk.
“It looks pretty creepy.”
“What are you talking about? It looks fierce! And boy, do you look crazy through this thing!”
The skull mask now covers the left side of his face, à la the Phantom of the Opera. His overcoat completes the look, especially if he ever decides to pop his collar. “What do you think, babe?”
“Please, no skull masks in the house.”
“I’m just testing it … ” He leaps back. “Holy shit!
You were just about to slap me with your ghost limb, weren’t you?”
Zaena looks away. “Maybe.”
“I can … I can see them with this on! Ryuk, check this out!”
Ryuk glances at Zaena, whose stone-cold visage isn’t very hard to decipher. “I believe you.”
“I need some air.” Zaena storms out of the room and FeeTwix follows after her, his mask suddenly off his head.
“Wait, babe. Don’t get offended!”
Yangu, who now rests in a basket provided by Enway, rolls over and comes alive. The baby dragon yawns and exhales a big cloud of blue smoke.
“Let’s take him outside to go potty,” Enway says, “while those two finish their discussion in private.”
(0)__(x)
Yangu, or Snowballs as Hiccup has started calling him, rummages around in Enway’s small backyard. The cute baby dragon flaps his wings, goes after a small mountain beetle and freezes it solid.
Instakill!
“Wow!” Ryuk says, picking up the beetle.
“Just wait,” says Enway. “He’ll be a big dragon sooner than later, then he’ll be able to freeze an entire army solid. I’d say he’ll be speaking in a week, and then you’ll know more about his personality. A dragon’s youth is short-lived in Tritania, mostly because of player impatience. Imagine having to have a dragon for three real world years as it matures into an adult.”
“That’d be a while.”
Cold air blows over her yard. Ryuk shivers and Enway places a friendly hand on his shoulder. “You want a jacket?”
“Me?” He kicks at the ground. “No, no, I’m fine. No worries. Just wasn’t expecting the coldness.”
“The mountains get very cold at night,” she says, turning away.
Ryuk changes the subject away from his sudden display of weakness. “Are you sure that the city elders will allow us entry to the catacombs if we kill the wolf?”
“I never said I was sure, but a few of the elders owe me a favor, so yeah, I wouldn’t worry about getting permission. That wolf has been terrorizing us for three weeks now and there’s nothing anyone has been able to do about it. But let’s make it official.” Enway reaches into a pouch on her belt and unfolds a piece of parchment. “Here.”
The words take shape on the piece of parchment, drying as soon as they appear.
Quest: Will you drive the wolf from the city of Katiyana in exchange for access to the catacombs?
Rewards: A back way into the city of Porthos.
Risks: Being mauled to death by a wolf.
“That’s one way to put it,” Ryuk mumbles.
“Well, do you accept?”
“Definitely, we need this.”
“What is it your guild is up to anyway?” she asks. “You haven’t been very clear about that, only that you want to get to Porthos.”
“Well, I can’t really quite answer that question. Just trust me, we need to get there.”
Yangu’s stomach grumbles.
“Have you fed the dragon?” she asks suddenly.
“Ummm … ” Ryuk shrugs. “It’s the first dragon I’ve had; I was unaware I was supposed to feed it or what I was supposed to feed it exactly. You’d think someone would have reminded me to feed it.” He suddenly feels incredibly stupid. “Yeah, I probably should have figured that out on my own.”
She laughs. “You’re cute, you know that? I’ll make him something.”
Cute?
As Enway reenters her home, Zaena exits, still a little peeved about FeeTwix’s Reaper mask.
“I just don’t like it,” she tells Ryuk. “All this alien technology is … ”
“It’s helpful,” he tells her. “Usually.”
She sighs, somewhat defeated. “I know it is.”
Ryuk glances over her shoulder and sees FeeTwix inside doing an ad read.
“What’s he advertising now?” Ryuk asks.
“I don’t think it is an ad this time. Something about a TwitchTube Red subscription winner. Your world,” Zaena’s slitted orange eyes widen, “sounds like it would be very, very crazy to visit.”
Ryuk half-smiles at her. “Not as fun as this world.”
FeeTwix is interrupted by a knock at the door, and lo and behold, Hiccup enters, his belly looking a good forty centimeters girthier than it normally is. FeeTwix greets him with open arms and the goblin bats him away. The Swede points out a barbeque smudge on the goblin’s cheek and Hiccup uses the end of FeeTwix’s overcoat to wipe it off.
“That damn goblin,” Zaena says as she takes a few steps in front of Ryuk. “I don’t know what it is I like about him.”
“I don’t think any of us do.”
The Thulean walks like a tigress, slinking her shoulders as she moves. She drops to her haunches in front of Yangu and coos at the baby dragon for a moment. “Do you remember what happened yesterday,” she asks, “at that Player Killer guildhall?”
“You mean when you were poisoned by that old mage?”
“Yes,” she says, not taking her eyes off the baby dragon. “Are you sure I didn’t say anything to you?”
“What do you mean?”
“Did I say anything about, um, anything about my life?”
Ryuk thinks back, skipping over the painful memory of Tamana slaying him. He rewinds all the action, from the fight with the ninjas on the rooftop to leaping between the two walls separating the guildhalls and being caught by Zaena’s ghost limbs. He arrives at poisoned Zaena just before Hiccup appeared and rescued her.
“Nothing,” he says. “All you said was ‘there are things about me you don’t know,’ or something to that effect.”
“Good.”
He cracks a half-grin. “Are you, um, trying to tell me something?”
“Let’s go inside and pester the goblin.” She picks up Yangu and cradles the baby dragon in her arms.
As Ryuk turns to the back entrance to the house, he receives a message from Hajime.
Hajime: First, you were supposed to log out to meet with me.
Ryuk: It’s been a longish day. Got into some things.
Hajime: That’s fine. I will wait for you to log out tonight to speak with you. Satomi contacted me.
My mother’s assistant? Ryuk stops dead in his tracks.
Hajime: Your mother would like to meet you and your brother for lunch tomorrow.
Chapter 10: Someone’s Little Blow-up Doll
“Fick no, Twixy, I’m not dressing up like a fickin’ sheep.” The goblin points his brass finger at the Swede. “I don’t know why the Mitherfickers keep getting the idea that I’m someone’s little blow-up doll that they can dress however they’d fickin’ like. I already wore a fickin’ tutu yesterday!”
FeeTwix laughs. “I don’t think you know what a blow-up doll is.”
“Like fick I do!” Hiccup plops down onto the couch, evacuates his colon, widens his eyes as he scoots around to see if he made a mess in his britches, realizes he didn’t, and equips a dog-eared copy of The Well of Loneliness. “This conversation is over.” A pair of reading glasses appears over the bridge of his nose and he focuses on the book.
“Fine, fine.” FeeTwix looks around for a place to lay out his weapons. Enway’s home is cluttered, full of books and small boxes covered in a layer of dust. He wipes away the surface of a side table and equips two shooting irons, one of which Ryuk has seen before. “Remember this one, babe?”
He places his bolonet rifle on the table. The blunderbuss fires a net made of diamond razor wire, which they used back in Sotla to pin Zaena down before she joined up.
“How could I forget the time you netted me?”
“Is that like ‘you had me at hello?’” FeeTwix asks. He smiles at her, and she returns his smile.
The next weapon is shaped like a primitive arcade gun. It’s orange, appears to be made of plastic, and as FeeTwix loads the magazine in, a circular light above the grip flashes blue.
“And that is?” Ryuk asks.
“This something I had custom made i
n Dead City. It’s supposed to look like the Duck Hunter gun. It fires a bullet that imbeds a GPS tracker in the assaultee’s body. Then you run your finger over the blue light to track it. Hiccup, care to test this out with me?”
“I swear on the Empress and her oversized mammaries,” Hiccup grits, “if you shoot me with that thing, we’ll have real problems, Twixy.” He looks at the Swede over the rim of his reading glasses. “I’ll split your chalupa with my tomahawk while you sleep.”
“Chalupas are already split,” Enway says as she enters the room. “I’ve fed Yangu–”
“Snowballs!”
“And he fell asleep next to his food bowl.”
“Young dragons always need more sleep than older ones.” FeeTwix’s bolonet lifts into the air, seemingly of its own volition.
“Careful!” he tells Zaena as she aims the muzzle at Hiccup.
“Liz, same thing I told Twixy applies to you,” the goblin growls without looking up from his book. “Now quit distracting me, I’m trying to read about lesbians. Everyone in this guild needs to get woke.” He waves his copy of the Well of Loneliness at her.
Get woke? Ryuk shakes his head. The damn goblin is always rattling off about something.
“What about the gun you had that shoots automatically?” Zaena asks.
“Ah, my remote sentry weapon.” FeeTwix shrugs. “I’d love to use that, but there could be friendlies in the area, sheep too. So we’re going to go old school!” A pizza box-sized electronic device materializes in front of him. It features a single unit in the middle anchored by four downward facing propellers. “A drone from the 2030s!”
“That is old school,” Ryuk says as he approaches the drone.
FeeTwix sets it on the ground and produces his remote control and presses a big red button labeled “auto.” The auto-drone lifts, accompanied by a buzzing sound. “The Eye in the Sky will help us spot and track the wolf. And you can be our other eye in the sky, Ryuk, by going to one of the terraces that surround the farms and using that Extreme Focus skill of yours. I’ll stay more or less in the center and when we see the wolf, I’ll try to bolo it. If that doesn’t work, I’ll peg it with a GPS bullet. Then we’ll follow it back to its lair and slaughter it.”
Fantasy Online Polynya: A LitRPG Saga Page 11
