Hiccup equips a healing potion, pops the top, and starts chugging. “Damn, love these Cherry Apollos.”
“You need to conserve those,” FeeTwix reminds him.
The goblin belches and throws the bottle over his shoulder. “They help me deal with stress, the kind that lizards and wolves give me. Fick.” He beats his chest, hiccups. “Give me heartburn too. Shit, is that big mutt pissing again? I haven’t seen him drink something yet. Where the fick do dogs get so much urine?”
“He’s marking his territory,” FeeTwix explains as Wolf catches up to them. “Haven’t you ever seen a dog do that?”
“I’ve seen a goblin do it. Fick, most of the dogs in Jatla become dinner before they have the time to properly piss on anything.”
Ryuk notices a wall up ahead at least five meters high. He walks ahead, letting Hiccup explain more in depth his knowledge of goblin vs. canine micturition, his Marble Gun at the ready. To the left of the wall is another pathway that he assumes wraps around to the top.
Without saying anything to the others, he pops a gravity marble into his mouth and floats into the air.
He takes a step up to the next invisible ledge and pops another marble in his mouth just to sustain his power. The marbles fastly dissolving, Ryuk takes a few more steps up until he reaches the top of the wall. From there, he hops over and sits, his feet dangling over the ledge.
“Fick, Marbles, since when could you fly?” Hiccup calls up to him.
“Gravity marble,” he shouts down.
“Hell yeah, toss me one!”
“Doesn’t work like that, Hiccup.”
“He’s right,” Zaena tells him, “I tried.”
“Ah, fick.”
Not one to be overshadowed by a guildmate’s power, FeeTwix equips a pair of heavy boots each with canisters latched above the heel. “DisNike steam boots,” he says, “straight from Steampunk Santa’s shop in Morlock.” He bends over to make sure they’re properly attached. “Akrasia to be exact, the prison city, but that’s a story for another day! Okay, hop into my arms, Hiccup, and I’ll carry you up.”
“No fickin’ way, Twixy, I’m not your little stuffed trash panda!”
Zaena chuckles and uses her ghost limbs to lift herself up. Once she’s next to Ryuk, she calls down to the gassy goblin. “I can give you a lift, if you want, goblin.”
“I don’t fick with konoshlo, Liz, so no. Fido and I will go the long way,” he says, pointing at the alternative path. “Come on, pooch.”
Hiccup makes a kissing sound with his fat lips and Wolf gets the hint that he should follow. Meanwhile, FeeTwix has finished strapping his DisNike steamboots on and is gearing to go. He bends, presses two buttons on either side of the boots, and takes to the air like a bat out of Hades. “Shit!”
-56 HP!
FeeTwix slams into the chamber’s ceiling, a cloud of steam trailing after him. He’s tossed backwards, and just when he’s about to lose it all, he shoots forward and smacks into Ryuk.
“Sorry!” he says as he scrambles to his feet.
Ryuk rubs the back of his head. He didn’t lose any HP, but suddenly he feels like he’s been shaken like a can of soda. “No problem,” he says as he pushes himself off the ground. He dusts his Dream Armor off and smiles at the Swede, who looks genuinely concerned. “No really, I’m fine.”
He turns in the other direction to see a hallway lit only by the room on the other side. The hallway is narrow enough that they’ll have to go through it in a line, and the larger members of the group, Hiccup and Wolf, will definitely have trouble squeezing through.
FeeTwix’s eyes flash. “There are lots and lots of tunnels attached to this main path,” he says. “Good map, Jay!” He gives his own face a thumbs up. “People, I’m serious here, this isn’t a paid endorsement. Buy Proxima Maps from Jack S. if you get the chance. He has a shop in Ertla, but he also delivers via EBAYmazon dragons. Not a paid endorsement, either!”
“Let’s go,” Zaena says, stepping forward. “I would like to be done with this damp, dark place.”
“Same here! I’m ready to dance my ass off.” FeeTwix raises his hands in the air and shakes his hips. “What about you, babe? Got any sweet Thulean moves to show me?”
She laughs nervously. “I don’t know about that.”
“But you’re excited, right?”
“A little.” Zaena narrows her orange eyes at Ryuk. “What about you? Are you excited to come?”
“I don’t really know if I should … ”
“You have to come,” FeeTwix says, “Enway will be there.”
“So?” Ryuk looks away, just in case his face has turned red.
“She’s pretty cute for an elf,” Zaena comments. “Much better than that bitch Tamana.”
Ryuk swallows hard. Remember, he thinks, the Tamana in here is an RPC that betrayed you. The Tamana up there was … different. Even with this thought, he still finds it troubling to hear his teammates talk ill of Tamana.
“Now where has that goblin run off to?” FeeTwix asks, looking down the adjacent hallway. “It shouldn’t be taking him this long.”
“Do you think he ran into trouble?” Ryuk asks the Swede.
“I think if he did, we’d hear him scream, fart, the clink of weapons, or at the very least, we’d hear Wolf bark.”
“He may have stopped to drink yet another potion. Who is keeping track of his potion consumption? He’s lucky we don’t need those!”
“Don’t worry, babe, the Fickers have been donating tons of potions. I’m just slowly giving them to him, almost as rewards.”
The three stand there quietly for a moment, listening for any indication that Hiccup has got into some shit. What they hear, after about a minute of listening, is the increasingly loud patter of paws.
“Is that … ?” FeeTwix steps back just in time.
Wolf bursts out of the opening, a smug look on his face. Sitting on top with his legs clamped around the wolf’s body is the cantankerous goblin.
“What?” he asks as he scratches Wolf behind the ear. “That fickin’ pathway was practically vertical. So I took a ride. Why are you all looking at me like that? He doesn’t mind, hell, if anyone else wants to hop up, you’re more than welcome too. But I get to sit in front. I’m nobody’s little lap bitch.”
FeeTwix nods, clearly impressed. “Now I can add ‘seeing a goblin riding a giant wolf’ to the list of things I never thought I’d see. Bad news, though, that path ahead looks really thin. I don’t think you can both get through there in your current form.”
“Fine, fine.” Hiccup pats Wolf on the head. He lowers his body, and the goblin hops off. “But I got first dibs on the canine taxi once we’re in the clear again.”
(0)__(0)
“This place is practically bristling with treasure!” FeeTwix announces, his finger raised in the air. “Seriously, guys, if we didn’t have a mission to handle, or a concert to get to, I’d say we hang back here and get as much damn treasure as our lists can carry.”
“I’m with Twixy,” Hiccup says at the back of the line. “Fick the Shinigami, fick Tamana, Marbles the Second, and the Knights for that matter. Fick the concert too. With money, all our problems will be solved. Hell, we can just rent a place in Jatla, you know, one of those high end apartments on the upper west side of the city, and have our own concert!”
“Those apartments?” Ryuk asks, imagining the run-down, two-story buildings on the upper west side of Jatla. Most of the places, from what he could tell, were missing walls and ceilings. A few were without doors and the public urinals that surrounded each building only added to the eyesore.
“What? Fick, Marbles, not all of us can afford the nicer things in life, but if we get that treasure, these four fickers – notice I said four, I’m not done vetting the elf – would be living high on the hog. Or horse. Is it high on the horse? Fick, you know what I mean. Damn, it’s bright ahead. Howzabout one of you bend a little so Uncle Goblin can take a peeksee? Fick, why am I at the back of t
he group again?”
“Because you were too scared to be the first,” Zaena calls back to him. “Now shut up for once; your constant rambling is driving me insane.”
“It looks like some sort of … of statue room,” FeeTwix says. “Yes! A room dedicated to the goddesses. This should be interesting! Everyone get ready for screenshots!”
The four Mitherfickers and their big bad wolf enter a chamber with impossibly high ceilings.
Light from outside comes in through slits in the ceiling revealing eight female statues, each chiseled into the rockface. The gothic statues fall somewhere between beautiful craftsmanship and horror, especially the statue of a woman with her arm outstretched holding her fist through a skull.
Hiccup immediately moves to a statue of a woman with piles of rupees around her feet. He places his mechanical hand on the rupees, bows his head, and starts to pray in Thulean.
“Don’t mind him,” Zaena tells Ryuk after she catches his confused glance. “That’s the Goddess of Luck.”
“Zip it, Liz, I’m trying to pray,” Hiccup says before launching back in. “Boom nana boom rana boom lana boom pokhla; boom nana boom rana boom lana boom poklha.”
The air on Wolf’s neck stands to attention.
“What do you see, boy?” FeeTwix asks, but before he can say anything else, Wolf takes off down another hallway.
“Boom nana boom rana … all dogs have a mind of their own, Twixy, parsing matters … boom lana boom pokhla … ”
Ryuk steps in front of a statue of a naked woman, her belly cut open and a dragon’s tail slipping into it. “This one is very interesting.”
“I like this one.” FeeTwix stands before a statue of a woman with a giant hammer slung over her shoulder. She’s muscular, buxom, and she wears a crop top and a pair of tight shorts, the only one of the statues not in some sort of dress.
“That’s the Goddess of Tradeskills. She’s popular, especially amongst the various smiths across the continents. Let me see your Marble Gun, Ryuk.”
Ryuk unholsters it, pops the mag out for safety reasons, and hands it to the Thulean, the business end of the gun pointing downward.
“See here?” she says, touching the Thulean carved into his weapon. As she does so, the words light up green. “That’s her name there, and this part is asking for her blessing.” Her ears twitch. “Do you hear that?”
Wolf’s yelps ricochet down the long tunnel ahead.
“Heads up!” FeeTwix shouts.
“Goblin, right; FeeTwix, left; Ryuk, back as far as possible!” Zaena calls out. The Thulean quickly hands Ryuk’s gun back to him and positions herself in the center of the chamber. She rises into the air, suspended by her ghost limbs.
The rest of the Mitherfickers take their position, Hiccup grumbling at Zaena’s perceived racism. They hear Wolf’s yelps growing louder, accompanied by the patter of hooves against the stone floor.
“Whatever it is, it’s fucking big!” FeeTwix, in his element, has one of the largest weapons Ryuk has ever seen in his hands. It’s silver, with a Kevlar tipped base handle attached to the central power unit and a plasma shell counter flashing red on its side. “BFG 9000-S12B,” the Swede tells his audience as it powers up. “Don’t leave home without one!”
“Fickin’ hell, Twixy!” Hiccup calls over the rumble coming from the tunnel. “That thing is going to fick up your life bar, tactical vest or not!”
A healing potion appears in the Swede’s semi-gloved hand. He quickly stuffs it in the pocket of his overcoat. “That’s what this is for!”
Wolf blasts out of the hole with true fear in his eyes. He blazes past Ryuk, and as he does, Ryuk sees the horns of a dark-skinned bovine.
Underground Auroch Level 20
HP: 666/666
ATK: 221
MATK: 0
DEF: 342
MDF: 119
LUCK: 1
Hiccup screams like a sissy as the muscled auroch tears into the chamber. The beast immediately tosses FeeTwix off his feet, who just so happens to squeeze the trigger of his futuristic weapon, blasting the Goddess of Luck statue to kibbles and bits and leaving a hole in the wall big enough to fit a dumpster.
“For fick’s sake, Twixy, get something less destructive!” Hiccup shouts as a large piece of the ceiling falls between him and the auroch.
The beast snorts smoke, scratches its hoof against the ground, and takes aim at Ryuk.
His marble gun trained before him, Ryuk just barely manages to fire off an explosive round before the underground bull connects with him.
-166 HP!
Up in the air Ryuk goes, where he’s immediately caught by one of Zaena’s ghost limbs. She brings him to the ground safely enough, swings around, and tries to come down on top of the auroch, who is making a circle around the chamber looking for targets.
The auroch bucks and groans as Zaena’s blades connect with its thick hide.
-14 HP! -24 HP! -8 HP!
Ryuk looks at Wolf, who’s in the hallway that they came in from, tracking the creature with his blue-green eyes. From there he looks to Hiccup, who has produced his largest shield and is hiding behind it, nursing a healing potion.
“Are you guys serious!?” FeeTwix asks as he swipes a poll away.
The Swede equips the boombox and House of Pain’s “Jump Around” starts up. Before it can get past the trumpet intro, the auroch charges him and he tosses the boombox at it.
KA-BOOOOOOOOM!
-237 HP! Critical hit!
The explosion that follows takes down more of the ceiling, rattles the walls, and sends a shockwave through the chambers, taking a bit of everyone’s life bar.
“What the fick was that!?” Hiccup yells. “Fick!” The auroch is in the center of the chamber now, bleeding heavily as it tries to get its bearings.
“What? You thought I’d toss an ordinary boombox! That’s my BOOM boombox! Has Boomex Super XXL inside, the most powerful dynamite in Dead City!” FeeTwix gets back to his feet and dusts off his overcoat. “To everyone watching the feed right now, all three million of you, good choice!” As the smoke clears, he launches into a quick ad about a breakfast cereal that meets FDA requirements and is kid-tested, stepmother-approved, whatever the hell that means.
The auroch shakes out its confusion, finds a target – Ryuk – and as the pissed off bovine charges, Ryuk unloads an entire mag of molten and black marbles into the beast’s thick skull.
-86 HP! -75 HP! -30 HP! -9 HP!
“Whoa!” Ryuk’s body is launched into the air by an invisible force, just in time for the auroch to smash into the wall.
Zaena sets him down nicely on the other side of the chamber.
“Thanks!” he shouts to her.
Wolf comes dashing out of nowhere, slams into the side of the auroch, gets his sharp teeth around the beast’s jugular and gets to killing.
“Fick yeah!” Hiccup tosses his shield aside. “This is better than a ponytail race!”
“If you’re squeamish, look away!” FeeTwix tells his viewers. “It’s gonna be gory!”
Wolf brings the auroch down and continues ripping its neck to shreds until his snout is covered in blood.
Instakill!
He stands over his prey for a moment, making sure it is indeed dead. Once he’s certain, Wolf sits on his haunches and begins licking his maw.
“Whew!” FeeTwix wipes his brow. “That sure was something!” The Swede licks his finger and cleans a black smudge mark on his arm. “Stoked that I got to use my boombox, though.”
“See, that’s why we need a couple of these big fickers,” Hiccup says, walking over to the dead auroch with a long knife. “We let our wolves do the fighting, then we get the spoils. This is the best plan I’ve had in weeks, so I hope you’re taking notes, Twixy.”
“I thought Ryuk was taking notes.”
“Ah, nevermind.” The goblin cuts the beast’s stomach open, jams his mechanical arm in, and at this point, Ryuk looks away. “Marbles, you are such a pussy �
� fick! Fick!”
Hiccup yanks his arm out of the bull’s guts; a two meter long worm comes with him, gnawing at the goblin’s brass arm as he tries to beat it off with his other fist. “Fick! Get it off me!”
Wolf barks and tries to nip at the worm’s tail. Ryuk trains his Marble Gun on the writhing worm, waiting to get off a shot.
“I’ve got it!” Zaena brings two blades down onto the large worm, severing it into two halves. The second half, which apparently has a head on its receiving end lined with teeth, goes after Zaena.
Clickety-boom! Clickety-boom!
Instakill!
FeeTwix lowers his sawed-off shotgun, watching as the second worm dies. Meanwhile, Hiccup has pulled the worm’s other half off his mechanical arm and is in the process of stomping it to death.
A generic healing potion appears in FeeTwix’s hand. “That was some fight, everybody! I’m so glad you could all join us!” he tells his legion of followers. “And I’ll see some of you at the concert later. Get ready for DJ Ride the Lightning!”
“I got a level up,” Zaena announces. “Anyone else?”
Ryuk shakes his head as he walks over to FeeTwix and Zaena. He crouches near them and starts reloading one of his magazines.
“I was just trying to check it for loot,” Hiccup mumbles as he kicks bits of the dead worm away. “But fick that. I’m not putting my hand back in there, hell, this isn’t even my hand.” He says, reminding FeeTwix of his mechanical appendage. “But you get the point. Where’d that towel you had earlier go?”
“Here’s another,” FeeTwix says. “A fan transferred a fickton to me. Did I do that right?”
“Fickton, yup,” the goblin says as he towels himself off. “Hey! This is moist, which just happens to be my favorite adjective.”
“It’s an extra-large moist towelette for cleaning up after battle, among other things,” the Swede says, winking at Zaena.
If the Thulean gets his innuendo, she doesn’t let on. Instead, she flicks the blood off her sword, turns to the next chamber, and asks over her shoulder, “Are we resting here, or are we getting through these damn catacombs?”
Fantasy Online Polynya: A LitRPG Saga Page 21
