“When did he have time to make all this stuff?”
“I think he made some of it when he was at DD’s BBQ, and well, honestly, I have no idea.”
“What kind of multiple choice questions?” Ryuk yells over the loud choons radiating from the stage. DJ Ride the Lightning is currently suspended upside down from a dark cloud, his hair hanging as he presses buttons on his rig.
“There was one that showed a poorly drawn picture of a penis with two answer choices, chalupa and churro.”
“And which did you choose?” Ryuk looks up to see FeeTwix grinding against Zaena, who beats both her arms in the air.
“I chose churro! I’m not going to let that damn goblin intimidate me in my native language!”
“Fuck him, we need a healer. You’re in!”
Ryuk fires off messages to the others.
Ryuk: Enway is joining the guild.
FeeTwix: I’m game.
Zaena: YEAH!
Hiccup: What the fick, Marbles!? I haven’t graded her essay yet!
Ryuk: Fick you, Hiccup!
Hiccup: Hey!
FeeTwix: YEAH FICK YOU, HICCUP!
Zaena: MITHERFICKERS FOR LIFE!
DJ Ride the Lightning explodes into a million tiny neon bolts.
The multifarious bolts zip around the concert grounds, merge into a single sphere over the audience, and within that radiating sphere, the DJ’s body reforms. He throws up two peace signs à la Nixon and the bass drops.
And boy does it drop.
Ryuk can feel the concussion in his chest; it’s almost as if he’s been struck by a gravity marble the size of a wrecking ball. The crowd below responds, their hands moving in great waves above their heads as they dance their asses off.
The sphere above the crowd explodes, showering the concertgoers with sparkling blips of light.
DJ Ride the Lightning is suddenly at the top of the pyramid again in the form of a nude woman with her nipples covered by flashing stars.
More stars spiral out of the rafters and the music moves accordingly, the percussive snare hitting the off beats, the full synth filling out the midrange, the high end covered by a vocoded female voice screaming in ecstasy.
The bass builds again, the crowd readies for the drop, and the drop that follows rattles the very core of Ryuk’s avatar.
Their platform trembles as if it were struck by a mini earthquake. As soon as it passes, Ryuk looks to see Zaena’s jumping in the air with a huge smile on her face, using her ghost limbs for stability. FeeTwix points both fingers to the sky, nodding and occasionally picking out his fans below and shooting them a thumbs up.
Once the bass filters out, Ryuk turns to Enway.
“I checked with the others. You’re in!”
“I can join?” she shouts over the brassy, ear-shattering choon.
Ryuk nods and extends membership.
Enway Rosa, Level 15 High Elf, has joined your guild!
Chapter 24: After Party
The four Mitherfickers respawn at the top of the stairs. It’s been an hour, they’ve boogied down, and after bidding his fans farewell, FeeTwix gave the “wrap it up” signal and used his magnetic device to call Hiccup back to their platform, much to the goblin’s chagrin.
Ryuk is practically giddy as his avatar takes shape.
He danced with Enway, it was nice, they were close, and he had a fucking good time, the best time he’s ever had at a public gathering.
“I’ve got to go to more of those,” he says under his breath. He suddenly wishes Enway could join them, but he knows that someone needs to look after Yangu and take care of Oric.
He smiles. The guild is really shaping up.
A bit of light peeks in beneath the door leading to Porthos, but with all the neon accoutrement Hiccup is wearing, the four could have spawned completely in the dark. The goblin has green glow sticks twisted into his pink hair, bright reflective paint covering his mechanical arm, neon handprints over his hairy nipples, and for some bizarre reason, a pacifier hanging from his neck.
“Fick you guys and your Cinderella deadline. I was having a fickin’ blast! And get this damn tracking device off me!” He points a mechanical finger at FeeTwix. “But seriously, we NEED to get back there pronto!”
FeeTwix laughs and uses a small rod lit by a blacklight to remove the square he slapped on Hiccup’s back. It was a good thing he put it on there too; they would be goblin-less if it weren’t for that thing.
Then again, Ryuk thinks, goblin-less isn’t such a bad thing. He tosses the thought away; he feels too damn good to give Hiccup a hard time.
The goblin pops the pacifier in and gets to sucking.
“What?” he asks his guildmates. “This shit is laced with something! I’m fickin’ on fire over here. Fick yeah!” He throws a couple of punches, pacifier in his mouth. “Let me at ‘em!” He gives Ryuk a sour look and spits the pacifier out. “And what in the actual fick were you thinking when you let Enway join the guild? Seriously, Marbles, this is why we can’t have nice things.”
“The conversation is over. She’s in.”
Hiccup takes a deep, angry breath. “Fine, fine, fine. Whoo!” He claps his hands together. “Let’s go introduce ourselves to the Knights and then get back to the concert. I got fans to please and habits to appease! I saw some orc chippies there; you guys see them?”
“We came all this way to get to Porthos,” Ryuk reminds him, “not party all night.”
“Fick, kid, I’m telling you. While Tammy may have let you grab a titty every now and then, you’ll never, and by never I mean never, get yourself a choice bit of poontang if you don’t let your hair down. Live and let live, Marbles. You’re worse than a millennial, whatever the fick that is.”
To emphasize what he means by ‘let your hair down,’ Hiccup shakes the three glow sticks out of his pink locks. The three glow sticks plink down the stairs, tiny beacons in the darkness.
“This may not be as easy as we think, goblin.” Zaena says as she approaches the stone door. “And I am as disappointed as you that we had to go. But there will always be another party, and time is of the essence.”
“Yeah, yeah, let’s just get on with it!”
The Thulean smoothes her hands across the stone door as she looks for an opening mechanism. As she does this, FeeTwix thanks his fans for joining the Mitherfickers at the concert and reminds them that KFC Bell now has a new burrito stuffed with spicy fried chicken that comes with a Cheetos dusted ball of fried mashed potatoes and a thirty-two ounce fountain drink of your choosing. Once he finishes, he returns to Zaena’s side.
“Want me to blow it open, babe?”
“Blow it! Blow it! Blow it!” the goblin chants.
She laughs. “Not all puzzles in Tritania can be solved with alien tech.” Blue Thulean script flashes on the face of the stone and the door pops open. “See.”
The four enter into a long, underground storage space filled with barrels of green leaves, some sealed and others open, their scoops sticking out of them. Ryuk recognizes the logo on one of the barrels almost immediately.
“I know where we are,” he says before FeeTwix can figure it out through messages from his fans. “This is the Morla’s Place! We’re in Valhalla, not far from the Knights’ guild.”
“Morla’s Place?” Zaena asks. “The teashop? I thought they were all pop-ups.”
“They are, on the other continents at least. This is their headquarters.”
Ryuk points to the ceiling of the cellar. The sound of people talking and walking across a creaky floor suddenly becomes apparent. “They have a huge, three-story tea shop upstairs. All we need to do is slip out of here, and we’ll fit right in with the crowd that’ll be up there.”
“Fit right in?” Hiccup asks, still in his concert attire.
“After you change,” Ryuk says firmly.
“Fine, but I’m keeping the pacifier and as soon – and I’m talking as soon – as we see the Knights’ guild, I’m fickin’ out of here.
Twixy, we cool? Can you port me back to the concert?”
“No problem, Hiccup!”
“Good.” The paint covering Hiccup’s body and the glow sticks sticking out of his pockets all disappear. After his armor has appeared, he equips his golden helm, places it on his head, and pops the pacifier back in. “Fick yeah!”
“I’ll go first,” Ryuk says as the four approach the stairs that lead up to the main floor of the tea shop. “Follow me and slip out quickly. Don’t be an idiot either,” he reminds the goblin.
Hiccup flashes Ryuk the one fingered salute.
“Go on, Ryuk, we’ll be behind you,” Zaena says.
Once he gets to the top, Ryuk places his ear against the door to hear if there is any activity on the other side. Too hard to tell, he thinks as he steadies his breath and pushes the door open.
A hobgoblin in Thulean gauntlets drops his mug of Horse Piss Tea as soon as he spots Ryuk. “It’s him!” he shrieks in a high voice.
The large room that was bustling just moments ago goes absolutely silent as the patrons and waitstaff all turn to see what the hobgoblin is pointing at.
Him? Ryuk actually glances around to see if there is someone else the hobgoblin could be pointing at.
“Get him!” A spellsword shouts as he unsheathes an icy blue blade.
Spell Sword Level 13
HP: 425/425
ATK: 96
MATK: 136
DEF: 76
MDF: 74
LUCK: 6
“It’s him!” More people stand from their tables and equip their weapons.
“He’s the guy who attacked the Empress!” a low voice yells out.
“Out of the way!” Zaena slips past Ryuk and unsheathes four swords. She breathes heavily, waiting for the gathering crowd of combatants to make a move.
“What the fick is happening up there?” Hiccup shouts, his voice muffled a bit because of his pacifier. He spits it out. “Seriously, what the fick is going on? Let me up there!”
“They found us!” FeeTwix shoulders past Ryuk with a kunai attached to a chain. “Get over here!”
The Swede, his eyes two black holes, is the first to strike.
His kunai stabs into the spellsword and yanks him over to the Mitherfickers. FeeTwix finishes with an uppercut that sends the guy straight into a wall.
-87 HP!
“Shit, Twixy!” Hiccup pushes out, his spiked club in his mechanical hand a dinner plate-sized shield gripped to his other forearm. “Let’s fick them up! Whoo!”
“Shoot first, ask questions later!”
“Fick yeah!”
“No!” Ryuk shouts, as FeeTwix goes with two comically large Sandalwood Guns.
Bang! Bang!
Instakill!
The report sends shockwaves through Ryuk’s core. He bends for a moment to gather his thoughts, as Zaena runs forward to engage a mage and FeeTwix keeps laying down .45s.
“We shouldn’t be fighting them! The Empress’ guard will come!” he yells up to FeeTwix.
“Preemptive strike!”
Bang!
FeeTwix fires a shot directly into the face of a barbarian with braided pigtails.
Instakill!
An idea comes to Ryuk, the only thing that would make sense. Covered by FeeTwix’s gunfire, he moves to the right, where he knocks over a table and gets behind it. He fires off a quick message to FeeTwix.
Ryuk: Have your fans shared with you any info coming out of Porthos?
FeeTwix: There’s been an information freeze. Nothing is allowed to get out of the city.
Ryuk and FeeTwix lock eyes for a moment, only to be interrupted when Hiccup shouts, “Fick it’s him!” They look to a wanted poster pinned to a messageboard not far from them. Sure enough, it’s a picture of Ryuk, a bit of hair sticking out of his hood.
“I’m wanted … ?” Ryuk connects the dots almost immediately. The only way this is possible is if his doppelgänger did something sinister.
“You’re ficked, Marbles. Nice to know ya!”
“Incoming!” FeeTwix dives next to Ryuk just in time to miss a flying table.
Ryuk peeks around their cover to see an orc easily twice as tall as Zaena. The shirtless orc’s considerable girth hangs over a loincloth that barely covers his twig and berries. He roars, his manboobs and nipple rings flapping as he goes for another table.
No time to think, Ryuk grabs his magic slingshot and a gravity marble.
The marble strikes the orc’s body and the big bruiser is instantly thrown backwards to the entrance, bringing the structure supporting the front of Morla’s Place down.
Using her ghost limbs to get out of the way just in time, Zaena skids to a halt next to Ryuk and FeeTwix. For his part, Hiccup beats the shit out of the hobgoblin that sold them out, who was in too much of a stupor to get out of the way in time.
“This the one who squealed?” he calls over to Ryuk.
“We’ve got to get there before they get here,” Ryuk says quickly, his mind going a million miles an hour.
Hiccup kicks the cowering hobgoblin once more and pops the pacifier in his mouth. “Let’s get the fick on with it then!”
A message appears on Ryuk’s viewing pane.
Hiccup: Stop judging me. Like I said, the pacifier is laced.
“Whatever.” Ryuk pops a molten marble in his mouth and cautiously moves to the front of the tea shop. A few NPCs that have been pinned by the rubble whimper as the Mitherfickers step over them.
The silhouette of a woman takes shape ahead and Zaena bristles.
“She’s mine.”
Mind Mage Level 16
HP: 388/388
MANA: 400/400
ATK: 42
MATK: 193
DEF: 59
MDF: 61
LUCK: 14
To their left, the towering orc from earlier lifts himself out of a partially crumbled fountain. He scowls, locks his eyes on the Mitherfickers, and roars.
“Fick!”
Ryuk feels the goblin get directly behind him.
“Dammit, Hiccup!” he says as the goblin grips his waist and tries to make sure that Ryuk is directly between the big orc and the small goblin.
He spits his pacifier out again. “How the hell are we supposed to take that thing out!? It’s too big!”
“Don’t you worry, Hiccup,” says the Swede, “that’s what steamsuits are for.”
“Steam-what!?”
It takes all of ten seconds for a five-meter-tall exoskeleton suit to take shape in front of FeeTwix. The phrase YoRHa A-2 is stenciled across the chest of the exoskeleton. As it settles, a valve jutting out of its left shoulder produces a cloud of steam.
A Gatling Gun starts to rotate on the right arm even before the chest can clamshell open to allow FeeTwix to get inside. Once the Swede is in, the locking mechanisms sound off as the Swede is secured into place.
Attached to his left forearm is a jagged buster sword; as FeeTwix gets used to the feel of the suit, its shoulders lifting up and down and its legs lifting one at a time, he brings the sword before him and says, his voice suddenly metallic, “The orc is mine.”
“Holy fick yes! Yes! Yes!” Hiccup shouts. “That’s the most stupid-tacular thing I’ve seen all fickin’ week!”
A guild of lower level scouts and warriors come charging out of an alley. They skid to a halt when they see FeeTwix’s steamsuit.
“Good!” Hiccup spits his pacifier out as he’s suddenly filled with confidence. “Lizzy, get the mage; FeeTwix, get Bitchtits McSTD; and Marbles and I will mop up any of the fickboys left!”
(0)__(0)
A dapper man with the face of a cat appears out of nowhere. He leaps from behind some covering to the spot directly in front of Ryuk. Before Ryuk can even take in the man’s stats, he’s pulled to the ground, his Dream Armor combating the man’s rapid claw strikes.
“Dammit!” the man shouts as he tries again and again to get a swipe in.
Ryuk grins, and as his mouth opens, a m
assive fireball engulfs the catman. He leaps off Ryuk, his whiskers sizzling, and runs to the partially crumbled fountain to duck his head in.
-31 HP!
Now aiming his marble gun, Ryuk nearly splits the catman in half with his Cherry Poppin’ Daddy skill.
“Yeeeeeeooowww!” he shrieks.
-154 HP!
Skill level up!
“Fickin’ nice! You got him in the starfish, Marbles!”
Catman’s clawed finger comes up and he logs out.
There’s no time to read Cherry Poppin’ Daddy’s skill update prompt. Ryuk pops a gravity marble in his mouth and hits the air.
He throws in another until he’s on top of the building next to Morla’s Place. His Marble Gun up, he waits for his opening as two staunch warriors descend upon Hiccup. The goblin holds his own, giving Ryuk time to fire a shot at one of the warrior’s feet.
-207 HP! Critical hit!
The second warrior’s leg goes flying and he logs out in a panic.
“What a bitch!” the goblin shouts as he ducks an incoming blade. He comes up with both arms on the handle of his spiked club and brings it down onto the warrior’s exposed side.
-112 HP!
The guy buckles and Hiccup swings back and brains the brawny swordsman.
Instakill!
“Fick yeah!” Hiccup’s celebratory end zone dance is cut short when he glances right to see Zaena screaming and grasping at her arms and legs. The Thulean’s swords lay in a heap at her feet and the Mind Mage isn’t far off, magic rippling up her arms and her eyes ablaze.
Hiccup looks up to Ryuk, points at an incoming group of fairies, points back to himself, and points at Zaena.
With that, the goblin nonchalantly grabs a brick from the rubble and keeps to the shadows as he walks around the twitching Zaena, the Mind Mage so enthralled with watching the Thulean bug out that she’s completely oblivious to the creeping goblin.
Once he’s in range, Hiccup pitches the brick at the back of the Mind Mage’s head and knocks her out cold.
-266 HP! Critical hit!
Ryuk unloads an entire mag on a guild of archers as the Swede cracks his giant buster sword against the orc’s equally matched shield.
Fantasy Online Polynya: A LitRPG Saga Page 25
