by Cacey Hopper
“I can’t sleep,” he sighs. “Every time I close my eyes I feel like I’m back there again.”
“The basement?” I shiver at the memory of it.
“No, the hotel room where they kept me all week, the basement wasn’t so bad.” He chuckles softly. “At least we were together then.”
We talk for the rest of the night until I fall asleep, phone in hand. We do the same thing the next night, and the night after that. It doesn’t fully keep the nightmares away, but it holds them off for a few hours at least. I think at that point we both realize we’re losing the battle to get our lives back.
Jason has become the center of my world ever since we’ve returned home, but even his strength and steadiness isn’t enough to get me through. Over and over again I wonder what I can possibly do to make this feeling go away, to feel safe again. I don’t need my spidey sense or intuition to tell me what I should do this time, I know in my heart without even trying. There is only one person in my life right now who can help me get past all this, but he is so far away I can’t even begin to know how to bridge the gap between us. Even if I am willing to try.
Sooner or later I will have to face my dad. Not to confront him, but to forgive him. I’m just not sure I want to.
16. LEGACY
It has been just four days since we returned from London, but it feels like an eternity. I guess that’s the way it works when you don’t speak to anyone, leave the house, or sleep at night. I have become a ghost of my former self, struggling just to get through each day. Today has been no different. After hours of trying to avoid my dad I finally end up hiding out in my room. It’s early afternoon and Alexa has gone to the city to visit her mom. Not knowing what else to do I pick up the phone and dial Jason’s number.
As soon as he answers I have a bad feeling about what he is going to say.
“We need to talk,” he says firmly.
“Okay.” The feeling of unease intensifies, a gnawing pain in my stomach.
“Meet me outside in the yard in ten minutes,” he says before quickly hanging up.
He is outside waiting for me, like he said he would be, as I walk toward him. It’s a miserable, dreary day out, and a light drizzle is falling. I pull up the hood of my sweatshirt and step up beside him. I don’t need my spidey sense to tell me this isn’t going to be a good conversation. The look on his face tells me everything. Before I can say anything he speaks up.
“Have you talked to him yet?”
I dig the toe of my Converse into the grass with a sigh. “Nope.”
“How long are you going to wait?” he asks.
“As longs as it takes.”
This time he’s the one who sighs. “Kit, I can’t do this anymore.”
I turn to face him. “What do you mean?”
“I can’t keep talking on the phone every night until one of us finally passes out from sheer exhaustion. I can’t keep reliving this with you. I want to move on, forget. And I can’t forget if we keep this up.” He shakes his head.
I don’t know how to respond to this, so I just stare at him silently.
“Don’t look at me like that, you know exactly what I’m talking about. Yes, it was awful, the whole experience. No, we’ll probably never be the same. We will get through it, but not like this, Kit.” He takes my hand and squeezes it firmly. “This isn’t good for either one of us. You need to go to your dad and talk to him about what happened.”
I start to protest, but he cuts me off.
“You know I’m right, so don’t bother arguing. This whole situation between you and your dad, it’s not good. He loves you. He’s just trying to look out for you.”
“Tell me, Jase,” I manage to speak up at last. “How is he looking out for me when all he’s done is lie to me for the past eight years?”
He’s quick with his retort. “Maybe because he didn’t want you to know your mom had been murdered by some psycho. You think he wanted you to have these nightmares every single night?”
His point cuts me to the quick. My nightmares aren’t always about being trapped in a basement; most of them have been about my mom lately.
“I understand that,” I say, wrenching my hand away from his. “But all he did was delay the inevitable, he had to have known I would find out eventually.”
“Yes, I’m sure he wanted to you to know the truth someday, but not like this. I’m sure he was waiting for the right time, when he thought you could handle the truth. This whole thing with V just threw everything off,” Jason continues.
I’m so angry with him I just want to walk away, but my feet refuse to move.
“Look, can we just agree that your dad made a mistake? He’s trying to make up for that now by being honest with you. You need to at least meet him halfway.”
I ignore the case he’s trying to make on my dad’s behalf. There is no way he can possibly understand the level of betrayal I have experienced.
“So what about you?’ I ask hotly. “You’re just going to walk away from me until I fix things with my dad?”
“That’s not it at all. You know I care about you. You want someone to lean on, someone to take care of you, I understand that. But I can’t be that person for you right now. I’m just as messed up as you are. My mom needs me, my dad is going to jail, they’re probably divorcing. Somehow I’m supposed to be starting college in the fall. I just think it would a good idea for the two of us to take a step back for now, until things have settled down a bit.” He drags a hand through his hair with a pained expression.
His logic makes sense, but all I can feel is that keen sense of betrayal I’ve become far too familiar with.
Before I can respond he’s taking my face in his hands and forcing my gaze up to meet his. He speaks quietly this time, his brown eyes locked with mine. “You want someone to be angry at? You want to blame someone? Blame the man who is really responsible for all this, the one who took your mom from you.”
As soon as the words are out of his mouth it’s like my whole world suddenly shifts into focus.
“What your dad did was wrong, I don’t deny that,” Jason continues. “But he wants your forgiveness. He wants a chance to explain and make things up to you. You need to give him that chance.”
I don’t have an answer for him right now, so I remain silent. The rain is falling steadily now and I can’t help but remember how it all began right here when he kissed me for the first time. We have been on again and off again many times since, but one thing has always remained; the undeniable feeling I have inside when I look at him and the absolute strength of our bond. But he’s right this time. He can’t be my everything right now, that much is true. Just because I agree with him, doesn’t mean I have to like it.
“You’re saying goodbye again, aren’t you?” I ask quietly.
“No,” he answers firmly. “We just need some time apart to figure things out, that’s all. I’m still going to be here, as your friend. And when things have settled down…” He pauses, searching my face like he did the last time he left. What he is looking for I don’t know, but I wonder if he sees the truth in my eyes. How much I love him. Even if he walks away for good, that isn’t going to change.
I’m not sure what he’s thinking, but he speaks again. “When things have settled down, I still want to be with you, Kit.”
I allow myself a deep sigh of relief. I don’t even have to check my spidey sense; I know he’s telling me the truth. I’m suddenly glad for the rain, because I don’t want him to see me crying again.
“Promise?” I ask.
“I promise.” He kisses me one last time then, but it is too brief and feels too final to ease the pain in my chest. I hang onto his last words instead, his promise, and watch him walk away from me again.
I stand outside in the rain for a long time just thinking. My world has changed so much. Everything around me has perceptibly shifted in a direction I hadn’t seen coming. The people around me, the ones I once thought I knew so well have transformed into strangers. Worst of all,
I can’t recognize the person I have become. Hurt, angry and afraid all of the time. There is nothing I can do about the others. I can’t make Jason want to be with me right now. That’s his choice. I can’t make my dad go back to being a simple, boring businessman whose biggest flaw is that he wants me in by eleven every night. That isn’t who he is or who he has ever been. The only thing I can do is accept things for what they are.
The only person I can change in this situation is me. I’m the only one who can fix what is broken inside. The only question that remains is how. How can I overcome all the secrets and lies, the deception, and the fact that I now know my family has a mortal enemy? My first instinct, my gut reaction which boils up from somewhere deep inside of me, is to fight back. To stop trying force back the memories and truths that have become so painful, and face them. And then maybe I will have the strength to face what is ahead.
At last I’m too wet and cold to stay outside much longer, so I walk back inside. As I do I think about what Jason had said, how he was right, my dad isn’t the enemy. I only have one of those.
My dad knows who the enemy is, and he has spent the years since my mom’s death in search of him. My fists clench at the thought of my dad facing him down again, gun in hand, unwavering, fearless. I picture my mom, her face is blurry in my memory, but still I can see her. Was he wrong to want to protect me, his only daughter, from the man who took the woman he loved?
Suddenly the girl I’ve become makes a little more sense to me. V had told me that lies and deception were in my blood, but there is something else my parents have passed down to me. I had felt it numerous times recently. The certainty of knowing the right thing to do in a moment, the ability to choose and act when I should be frozen with fear, and the strength to conquer things I have never thought possible. They have given this to me, this is their legacy.
My feet practically fly as I reach the stairs and I’m at my dad’s office door in seconds. I don’t bother to knock, but burst in. He looks up, only slightly startled.
“I’m ready,” I say firmly, plopping down in the chair opposite him, just like I had two weeks ago.
“What do you want to talk about?” He puts down the papers he’s reading and gives me his full attention.
“Everything, I want to know everything. About Mom, Halcyon,” I lean forward. “V.”
He smiles a little at this. “You don’t want to know everything about him, trust me.”
“I want to help you find him and stop him,” I say and mean it.
“Of course you do.”
And so he tells me everything, at least the parts he thinks I can handle. How he and my mom came to be Halcyon agents and all the things they had accomplished together in their years as partners. And then, through many tears, his and mine, he tells me what I needed to hear the most, the truth about how she felt towards me. How much she had loved me, wanted me, and would never have left me.
Finally he promises to never lie to me again, and to bring the man responsible for our tears to justice.
For now, it’s a start.
Acknowledgements
I would be remiss in not mentioning some the many people who have supported me and encouraged me over the past few years. There are far too many to name individually, I guess that makes me one fortunate writer. But there are still a few I’d like to acknowledge personally…
To my parents, Marion and Dana Conley, who quite literally taught me everything I know, thank you for being amazing from day one and on.
To my sister-in-law, Maartje Hopper, thank you for your invaluable friendship and constant encouragement.
To all my “Wine a Little” ladies, every single one of you has encouraged me and cheered me on throughout this sometimes frustrating process and I can’t thank you all enough for your friendship.
Thank you Christine Corey, for the amazing cover art.
A big, huge, special thank you to Laura Case, editor extraordinaire.
Also, another extra big thank you to Jennifer Fenenoz, beta reader and friend.
And lastly, to my amazing family; Elijah and Sophia, I love you both so much, thank you for being the best kids ever! And to my husband, Matthew, thank you cannot truly express my gratitude to you for making my original dreams come true. I would not be half the person I am today without your love and friendship.
Keep reading for an exclusive sneak peak at the first two chapters of the thrilling follow-up to London Escape!
Finding Sanctuary
The Halcyon Legacy - Book Two
Coming Fall 2012
1. GRAVITY
In my dream I am falling.
Not the floaty, dreamy feeling you get when you’re not quite asleep and not quite awake, but the gravity-gripping, stomach-churning plunge of a total freefall. I wake up when I hit the water, icy needles jabbing into my skin. Just as the scream escapes my lips I sit up in bed, my pulse racing and my palms sweating. I’ve had the same dream almost every night for the past two weeks; ever since I had learned the truth about my mom’s death. Finally I had been given the information I have been searching for ever since this past summer. After spending the first seventeen years of my life thinking she had just left us when I was nine years old. But that had been a lie, just one of many I had been told. She was dead.
Somehow the truth doesn’t make me feel any better.
It’s my own fault. After all, I’m the one who begged my dad to tell me the story. Some part of me thought it would make it all better, knowing how it happened. Clearly I had been wrong.
Untangling the sheets from around my legs I swing my feet onto the cold carpet. In the darkness I search for my fuzzy bathrobe and slippers and put them on. It is now winter in Connecticut. The adventures of the past summer are now months behind me, but never forgotten. Before the drowning nightmares it had been dreams of being handcuffed in a basement and images of the Things and Mr. V that kept me up at night.
And dreams of Jason, always Jason. Sometimes he is there with me in the basement again, sometimes he isn’t. The nights when I’m alone are always worse than the ones where we face the monsters together.
He isn’t here now, in my dreams or otherwise. This past fall he had gone off to college. Yale is only an hour or so away, but somehow the distance seems farther. We’ve hardly spoken since he left. He blames his busy freshman schedule, but I know differently. He had promised to at least remain friends. Apparently being friends means we don’t speak anymore. I try not to blame him, but it’s not easy when I feel the familiar sting of abandonment.
I stride over to the window, looking down on the freshly fallen snow in my backyard. Inexplicably my gaze is drawn to the house next door, hardly visible through the thick trees that border the two properties. There’s a light on and I wonder if Jason’s mother, Caroline Barron, is alone and sleepless too, with her husband serving time in jail for his crimes this past summer. It’s almost painful to think of him in jail while Mr. V roams free. Jason’s dad had been collateral damage: the fall guy. Another thing I’m to blame for. Then again Jason was the one who had stolen the necklace from his father, starting the chain of events that would lead to his father’s eventual arrest.
My hands are still shaking from the remnants of my dream. I clench them tightly and take three deep breaths. I have learned a lot about calming my fears lately.
I pace around my bedroom for a few minutes, breathing deeply and trying to forget the feeling of the water rushing around my ears and the weight of it pressing me down. I’ve never fallen into a river before. I’ve never even come close to drowning.
My mom had.
Two weeks ago my dad had finally given in, after I had begged him for months to tell me the story. It had been a rainy November night. I can still see his face, his bright blue eyes and the flames from the fireplace reflecting off his glasses. And the familiar twitch of his jaw as he considers my question. His hands are folded in his lap, tightening.
“Please, tell me how it happened?” I repeat. I’m
not sure why I need to know so badly. In my mind’s eye I hold the picture of my enemy, our enemy, Mr. V. I have to know just how responsible he is for her murder.
He refuses to look at me as he mutters, “Moscow. It happened in Moscow.”
I nod, because I know this already. V had mentioned it during the showdown in the warehouse.
“She wasn’t even supposed to be there. She was supposed to be tracking down some stupid stolen painting from the Louvre. That was her mission. Instead she was in Moscow. She didn’t even tell me. She didn’t even tell—” He stops and I’m left wondering what he was about to say before he moves on. “I need to back up. I’ve told you before, about the different kind of jobs Halcyon does?”
I nod again. Though I still haven’t fully come to terms with the fact that my dad is some sort of James Bond wannabe, I have accepted that through Halcyon he and my mom had saved many lives, and how much he believes in continuing his work. Still, there are a lot of jobs he won’t tell me about, because the tales are far too harrowing. I have a feeling this is going to be one of them.
“There was this baby boy in Russia, years ago, before you were even born. This was right after your mom and I had gotten married. His father got into some trouble with the Russian mob and he owed them a fortune. When he couldn’t pay up they took his baby.” He waves his hand like this is a totally normal conversation to have with your teenage daughter. “Anyway, your mom and I had been given the assignment to get him back. We were successful, but it wasn’t easy.”
I close my eyes and imagine my parents in Russia, with guns blazing and a baby in their arms. It’s kind of a crazy mental image.
“It’s not what you’re thinking.” He shakes his head. “Your mom was amazing. Undercover ops were her specialty. She managed to get hired as a nanny by the family who was keeping the baby for the mob. One night she was finally able to sneak him away and we got him to a safe house.” He pauses again and I have an unmistakable feeling this story is about to take a turn for the worse. “While we waited for the other agents to get his family to safety we learned they were ambushed. His parents were killed along with three of our agents. We had to take the baby and run. For two weeks we were hiding out in Moscow, waiting until it was safe to make contact with Halcyon again. In that amount of time, Claire, your mom, fell in love with that little guy. We even planned on trying to adopt him if we could.”
