by Dunn, Matt
Quick as a flash, Dan reaches up and selects one from the shelf – the one from last Saturday – as if by random. ‘And what happens to these recordings afterwards?’ he asks, examining it for a few seconds, before slipping it back onto the shelf so it protrudes slightly from the rest.
Lucy seems to forget I’m here, and edges towards him. ‘Oh, they’re deleted. Eventually, I mean.’
‘Really? That’s fascinating. And is there a camera in here? This room, I mean?’
Lucy starts to blush again. ‘No. Why?’
‘Why? Well, because . . .’ Dan suddenly stops talking, then grabs Lucy, spinning her round so her back’s facing the shelf, and starts to kiss her. She resists for a second, and then, like you see in those old nineteen-forties films, melts into his arms. I’m about to turn away in embarrassment when I realize what he’s doing – or rather, why he’s doing it, especially when he opens his eyes, glares at me, and with his free hand – and I don’t want to think about where the other one is – points frantically towards the shelf.
After a moment’s hesitation I reach up, grab the disk, and slip it into my jacket pocket, then give him the thumbs-up to indicate that he can put Lucy back down now, but he doesn’t seem to want to, and instead, waves me out of the room.
To be honest, even if I didn’t have a movie to watch, I’d be keen to get out of there.
2.07 p.m.
By the time Dan eventually gets back, proudly announcing he’s just ‘taken one for the team’, I’m none the wiser. I’ve managed to find the section that features what looks like me staggering in through reception, and while the recording’s a little bit fuzzy, there does seem to be a girl holding me up. The only trouble is, thanks to the bulk of the fat suit, I can’t see enough of her to identify who it is. The worrying thing is that I do seem very keen to get back to my room with her, but then again, I also seem to be having such a job coordinating my limbs when I’m upright it’s doubtful I’d be able to do anything horizontally either.
‘So, where does this leave us?’ says Dan, fast-forwarding and rewinding through the section a couple of times, which has the effect of making me look like I’m doing a very drunken hokey-cokey.
I shrug. ‘I dunno. I suppose if it proves one thing, then it’s that I did go back to my hotel room with a woman.’
‘Yeah, but she could have just been helping you up there. It might have been a member of staff.’
‘Lenka would have said. No, the evidence is there. And I’m just going to have to tell Sam what I know. Or at least, what I’ve seen.’
Dan looks at his watch, then sighs. ‘I suppose it’s now or never. Although . . .’
‘What?’
He makes a face. ‘I’d still recommend never.’
2.33 p.m.
It feels funny knocking on the door to my flat – well, Sam’s flat, as it’s going to be again soon. I haven’t quite worked out what I’m going to say, although the truth – or at least, as much as I know of it – seems like my only option. It’s occurred to me that I could use whatever Sam’s been doing to try and soften the blow, but the downside to that approach is that if Sam hasn’t been doing anything, then it’ll make my situation even worse. Above all, I know I need to keep calm, but when the door’s answered – not by Sam, but by the same man I’ve seen with Sam in the café, the pub, and in my nightmares – any sense of that goes out of the window.
‘Oh no,’ he says, his face draining of all colour. ‘You’re not supposed to be here.’
‘I could say the same thing to you,’ I say, instantly hating the familiarity in his tone, then – despite Dan trying to hang on to me – I barge past him and into the front room. ‘Sam? Sam!’
‘Edward?’ As Sam emerges from the bedroom, I’m too angry to notice the beautiful wedding dress she’s wearing. ‘What are you doing here?’
‘Surprise.’
‘Ah.’ Sam glances guiltily across at her mystery man. ‘I guess our secret’s out.’
‘It certainly is,’ I say, a little taken aback at her flippancy.
Sam smiles at me. ‘Well, you’d have found out soon enough anyway. Edward, this is Patrick.’
Sam’s mystery man – sorry, Patrick – advances towards me and sticks out his hand, and I automatically shake it, which rather makes my idea of punching him in the face seem a bit out of place.
‘Edward,’ he says, ‘it’s so nice to finally meet you.’
Sam walks over and loops an arm round his waist. ‘Patrick’s the reason you haven’t seen much of me over the last few weeks.’
And there it is: the revelation. Confession, even – but I can’t think how to respond. Suddenly, my anger and desire to hit Patrick disappears.
I collapse onto the sofa as if my plug’s been pulled out. None of this makes sense, because despite the gravity of the situation, Patrick is smiling, Sam is too – although she’s also looking a little sheepish – and even Dan is sitting in the armchair in the corner with a great big grin on his face. A grin that speaks a thousand words.
‘You knew about all this?’
Dan nods. ‘That’s right, Eddy-boy. And there have been times when it’s been tough to keep it a secret, I can tell you.’
My head starts spinning, unable to take any of this is. For the last few weeks, not only has my fiancée been cheating on me, but my best friend has known all about it too. And for some insane reason, they’re all talking as if it’s no big deal.
Patrick smiles. ‘Your fiancée’s been a hard woman to satisfy, I can tell you.’
Dan starts to snigger, and this immediately makes me annoyed again. So much so that I leap up off the sofa and walk menacingly across to where he’s sitting.
‘How could you?’
‘I’m sorry, mate. But you’ve got to admit that was quite funny. Although if you can manage to do it, how hard can it—’
Dan stops speaking, possible because I’ve grabbed him by both lapels and hoisted him out of his chair.
‘Easy, mate,’ he says, putting his hands on my shoulders in an attempt to calm me down. ‘This is Armani.’
I let him go, unable to believe that with all that’s going on, the thing he seems to be most worried about his suit, then turn back to look at Sam.
‘I think you’ve got some explaining to do.’
Sam grins nervously. ‘Guilty as charged. Though in my defence, it is all your fault.’
‘My fault?’ My legs nearly go out from under me, and I lean against the wall for support. It’s the Jane scenario all over again. Except . . . It’s Sam. I take a couple of deep breaths as she continues.
‘I mean,’ she says, ‘I always wanted a little affair . . .’
‘What?’
‘. . . but everything you said kind of got me thinking. About wanting a larger one. You know, doing it properly. And then a client of mine recommended Patrick.’
‘Recommended?’ I’m stunned. Not only that Sam’s suggesting her infidelity was my idea, but also by the fact that anyone would recommend someone to do it with.
‘That’s right. And after I met him and told him what I wanted to do, it kind of just grew.’
I shake my head to get rid of the horrible image that’s forming in my mind. ‘Spare me the details, please.’
‘You don’t mind, do you?’
‘Mind?’ I don’t know where to start. ‘What is there to mind? The fact that you’ve been doing it behind my back, and with him?’ I jab a thumb in Patrick’s direction, then sit back down on the sofa and put my head in my hands. ‘And the fact that Dan knew all about it.’
Sam comes and sits down next to me. ‘But I thought this was what you wanted?’
‘So . . . You’re doing this for me?’
‘Well, not just for you, I suppose. When Patrick got involved, I started to get excited about doing it for the first time in my life. But I was pretty sure you wouldn’t object. Especially since it was your idea in the first place.’
‘My idea?’ I stare at her incredul
ously, unable to believe how this can all be my fault and my idea. But then again, Jane told me it was my fault that she had an affair, so maybe Sam’s right. Perhaps somehow I’ve led her to believe it’d be okay, or maybe even a good thing. All of a sudden, the shame of the situation knocks what’s left of the wind completely out of me. ‘Who else knows about this?’
Sam shrugs. ‘Everyone. At least, everyone who’s going to be there.’
‘Where?’
Sam rolls her eyes. ‘At the wedding, silly.’
‘At the . . .’ I stare at her in disbelief. ‘You still want to go through with it?’
‘Why wouldn’t I?’ Sam rests a hand on my arm, and I’m too shell-shocked to pull away. ‘Otherwise all of Patrick’s efforts will have been wasted. As will the money I’ve paid him.’
‘You had to pay him?’
‘Of course.’
Patrick laughs, then walks round behind the sofa and puts his hands on Sam’s shoulders. ‘You wouldn’t expect me to do her for nothing, would you?’
As Patrick and Sam seem to be having a joke at my expense, I can feel my anger start to rise again. But surprisingly, it’s Dan who twigs what’s wrong with me.
‘And wedding planners don’t come cheap,’ he says, getting up out of his chair.
‘Huh?’
‘I mean,’ continues Dan, ‘how on earth was Sam going to organize the big wedding she knew you wanted on her own, and in such a short space of time? I tell you, Patrick’s been a godsend. Plus it’s been tough keeping the wool pulled over your eyes.’
Not for the first time, I can’t think of anything to say, so I just repeat myself.
‘Huh?’
Dan looks at his watch, then hauls me up off the sofa, and I’m still too stunned to resist. ‘So we better go off and get you ready. Especially if we’re going to get you to the church on time.’
‘The . . . church?’
‘That’s right,’ says Dan, leading me towards the front door. ‘Besides, Sam’s got to finish getting ready too. For your surprise big church wedding.’
As Dan almost shouts these last four words, and I take in just what it is Sam’s wearing, I finally seem to be getting it, although my immense relief at the fact that Sam isn’t having an affair is tempered a little by the fact that, at least if she had been, I might have felt a little less guilty about my own misdemeanour.
Sam walks over and kisses me, which makes me feel even worse. ‘I mean, after you got me this lovely ring, I didn’t know what to get you. So I got you, well, this.’
I stare at her in disbelief. ‘I feel like such a fool. How could I have missed it?’
‘I’m sorry, Edward. I know we promised not to have any secrets from each other. And I promise I won’t keep anything from you ever again. But I wanted to surprise you.’
Dan laughs. ‘And it looks like you have. Come on, Ed,’ he says, putting one hand on the door handle.
While there’s a big part of me that’s tempted to follow him, I force myself to stay where I am and take a deep breath, knowing this is my moment. And while it’s something I’m worried – especially now – is going to absolutely crush Sam, there’s no way I can back out of it.
‘You’re right, Sam. We should always be honest with each other. And if that’s the case, then there’s something I’ve got to tell you.’
Over Sam’s shoulder, I can see Dan frantically shaking his head, but I’m determined to ignore him, as I can’t possibly marry Sam this afternoon – especially in a church – without her knowing. But before I get a chance, she reaches up and puts a finger on my lips.
‘No, Edward, there’s something else I have to tell you first. Or rather, I have to apologize. For not trusting you.’
‘What? When?’
‘On your stag night.’
Oh crap. Talk about teeing it up. ‘Sam, I . . .’
She nods, then takes my hand. ‘I mean, I know Dan promised to look after you, but . . . well, he has enough problems looking after himself sometimes.’
‘Don’t mind me,’ says Dan, looking a little affronted.
‘I’m sorry, Dan. It’s not that I didn’t trust you either, but I know how you can get . . . distracted. So I thought Edward might need some help.’
I look down at her quizzically. ‘What kind of help?’
‘You know. To get back to your hotel room. Safely. And, well . . .’ She starts to blush. ‘On your own.’
‘Because you didn’t trust me?’
‘No, because I didn’t want anything to happen to you – and there is a difference. So when I eventually found you . . .’
‘What do you mean, “found me”?’
Sam grips my hand even tighter. ‘I came to look for you. In the club.’
Oh even crapper. That means she’ll have seen what I did. But hang on. If she did, and she still wants to get married . . .
‘Anyway, like I suspected, you were asleep in the corner, while Dan was off having a snog with what looked like some bloke in a dress.’
I look over at Dan, who’s hopping uncomfortably from one foot to the other. ‘Yes, well, appearances can be deceptive,’ he says. ‘Although now I think about it, she did have a very big Adam’s apple.’
‘Women don’t have Adam’s apples,’ says Patrick.
‘This one did,’ says Dan, defensively. ‘She was just big-boned. At least, she would have been, had—’
‘She actually been a woman?’ suggests Patrick.
‘So, anyway,’ continues Sam. ‘I thought I’d better try and get you back to your room safely. And then, by the time I got you undressed, and got that fat suit off you – thanks, Dan – and into bed, well, I thought I might as well stay.’
‘To check up on me?’
‘I didn’t want you to choke on your own vomit, for one thing.’
Dan lets out a short laugh. ‘And they say romance is dead.’
‘So why didn’t you hang around? The next morning, I mean.’
Sam looks at me imploringly. ‘Because Patrick and I had to go and meet the vicar. Plus, I felt guilty that you might think I didn’t trust you to behave yourself. And that’s no basis for getting married, is it?’
Dan frowns. ‘Meeting the vicar?’
I ignore him while I struggle to process this new information, which as far as I can tell is all good. Not only is my girlfriend, my fiancée, not having an affair, but it turns out that neither am I. For a moment, I wonder whether I should apologize for my behaviour over the past couple of weeks, and tell her what I’ve been worried about. But what would be the point?
‘No, Sam,’ I say. ‘It isn’t.’
She smiles at me again. ‘Now, what was it you wanted to tell me?’
‘Nothing. Or at least, it’ll keep. Until after the wedding, in any case.’
‘So you do still want to get married to me. After all this?’
I take her in my arms, my heart feeling as if it’s about to burst. ‘Of course. If you still want to marry me, that is?’
Sam nods. ‘You don’t think I’d get all dressed up like this for just anyone, do you?’
As I try hard to swallow the lump in my throat, Patrick clears his. ‘You may now kiss the bride.’
So – being careful not to crumple her wedding dress, while trying to ignore Dan, who’s miming sticking his fingers down his throat – I do.
3.49 p.m.
We’re in Dan’s Porsche, driving towards the church, and while I’m conscious that maybe I should be feeling a little anxious, to be honest, after the events of the past few weeks, relief is my overpowering emotion. And funnily enough, it’s Dan who seems to be the nervous one.
‘I never thought this day would come,’ he says, rounding a corner at, unusually for Dan, well within the speed limit.
‘I know it seemed unlikely after everything that went on. And by the way, I still haven’t quite forgiven you for not telling me.’
He grins guiltily. ‘Yes, well, it kind of seemed like the perfect distraction.
All the time you were worried about Sam cheating on you, there was no way you’d suspect what she was really up to. And besides, I wasn’t talking about you, Ed. I mean me. Settling down. With Polly.’
‘Oh. Sorry. Silly of me to think that you might be thinking of someone else rather than yourself for once in your life.’
‘Whereas you, well, I always thought you’d get married. No question of that. Even though for a long time it looked like it might be to Jane.’
I start to laugh, then it suddenly catches in my throat. ‘Bollocks.’
‘What?’ says Dan. ‘Don’t tell me you’ve remembered something else you’ve forgotten to tell Sam.’
‘No. It’s Jane.’
‘Where?’ says Dan, instinctively ducking down behind the wheel.
‘No – not here, dummy. What if she turns up and ruins everything?’
‘Why would she do that?’
‘Because I invited her, for one thing.’
‘What?’ Dan slams the brakes on and screeches to a stop. ‘Why?’
Once I’ve explained the circumstances, Dan rolls his eyes. ‘So what? Even if she does turn up, what’s she going to do?’
‘I dunno. But she could spoil it all by making a scene. Or by saying something nasty to Sam.’ I slap myself on the forehead. ‘Why am I so stupid?’
Dan looks at me as if he’s considering answering that question, before common sense gets the better of him. ‘Ed,’ he says, putting the car into gear again and setting off, ‘I don’t think she’s going to come.’
‘Why not? Because she doesn’t want to see me happy? Because it’d be too much for her to see me getting married to someone else? Maybe because she’s worried Sam will kick her arse again.’
‘No,’ says Dan, calmly. ‘Because you invited her to the registry office, and we’re going to the church, remember? And you’re safe there. She’s not allowed on holy ground.’
I stare at him for a second or two as what he’s just said sinks in, then grab him by the shoulder and shake him violently, nearly causing him to swerve into the oncoming traffic. ‘Dan, you’re still a genius,’ I say. ‘I could kiss you.’
‘Well, don’t,’ he says, shrugging me off.
