“Stay away from me.”
“What’s gotten into you? If this is about Gina then she can rot by the roadside for all I care. I’m staying here with you.”
“No you’re not,” I gasped. “This is not about Gina. It’s about you!”
“Oksana”
“How many times do you need to hear me say it?” I screamed. “I don’t love you! I never have! I never will! Just do me a favor and go! I don’t want you!”
Silence reigned and then he said in a suffocated voice I had never heard him use before, “You love me. I know that as surely as I know my own name.”
I wasn’t getting through to him, I realized. I cast my mind wildly about for the best way to get him to believe me, and then suddenly I had it. I looked at a point just above his head, unable to meet his gaze as I said, “You were only ever nice to me, Nick, and I wanted desperately to be in love with you. But somehow, it’s only ever been Jake for me. I am still in love with Jake and that’s why I’ve never been able to love you. It’s why I will never be able to give you my heart because he has it. It’s why we can’t continue like this.”
In the silence that ensued, an ant’s sneeze would have been magnified a thousand times over. Nick stared at me, his face completely white and drained of all expression.
Then he slowly reached for his car keys on the bedside table and then headed for the door. He left quietly, not slamming any doors or stamping his foot or indeed making any noise whatsoever.
As I heard the quiet purr of his Mercedes as he started the ignition and drove off, it occurred to me that Nick Carradigne was one of those guys who went completely quiet and became perfect gentlemen when they were murderously furious.
I would never see him again, I realized dry-eyed as I stared off into the bleak future that awaited me.
Oksana Davies
New York had a particular charm, I thought as I looked down at the busy streets several floors below my office. It was a busy city with everyone bustling about their daily business, too busy to notice when someone else beside them was a walking corpse.
Sometimes I felt as though I had died sometime in the past. Alright, not in the past, two weeks ago. It was a little more than two weeks; actually sixteen days and seventeen hours since I had last made love with Nick, but who was counting?
He had tried to see me the next day, but I bolted the doors and pretended to be out. At the office, I had changed my secretary and gotten a stalwart elderly woman whom we secretly called The Dragon. The Dragon was versed in keeping unwanted guests away from the named partner and since he had to go to Africa for six months, I had borrowed her for guard duty at my office to keep Nick out.
I recalled how he had waited at the car park for me the other day after the dragon denied him access to me but the moment I had seen him from afar, I had called security. He had looked pale and thin, I recalled worriedly. Was he eating well? He wasn’t having problems at work was he?
A knock sounded at the door and I shouted, “Come in.”
The Dragon entered, carrying three dozen roses. “These came for you”
“Trash them!” I snapped. She turned to leave to do just that; that was The Dragon, she never asked questions.
“Wait,” I called.
She turned to look a question at me over her shoulders.
“Send them back to him,” I ordered. My heart constricted in my chest as I said the words. Nick would be so hurt.
“Don’t you want to know what it says on the card?” she asked.
“He loves me, blah, blah, blah?”
“Actually,” she said in a voice dripping with disapproval, “It says he sends these as a token of his regard and should you send them back as you did all the others, he would assume you really had made up your mind and he would never bother you again.”
I swallowed. If I knew the first thing about Nick, it was that he meant every word he ever said. If I sent these flowers back to him he would really push me out of his mind. Forever!
It was for the best though, I sternly reminded myself as I sat straighter in my chair. He would soon forget me. As would I, him.
“Return them,” I ordered, resolutely ignoring the protests of my heart.
Three days later, I had not forgotten Nick. I wanted him desperately and every time I remembered the look on his face when I had said I didn’t love him, I fought back tears. I was thin myself thanks to my recent lack of appetite and try as I might, I couldn’t make myself eat anything.
The truth remained, I had done him a favor, I thought. He would have been stuck with me, trapped in a childless marriage and unable to leave for fear of hurting me or going back on his words.
Love wasn’t everything after all. Besides, what I had done was really the right thing; it was noble.
And while you’re congratulating yourself on your ‘nobility’, Judge Arturo is busy procuring engagement rings to get him married off to Gina, my subconscious stated.
A stab of pain went through me as my gaze fell on the newspaper in my hands. Judge Arturo’s birthday party had held the same night of the day he had sent flowers, an intimate affair with family and friends. In one corner of the picture, I spotted Nick; a woman’s hands were wrapped possessively around his left arm. I didn’t have to see her face to know it was Gina; I would know those signet rings she loved wearing anywhere.
Jealousy burned through me like acid and I deliberately staunched the flow by thinking of something completely unrelated and annoying like people showing up barefoot for a cocktail.
My door popped open unceremoniously and Adanna stuck her head around the edge, her brown eyes sparkling. “Hey, bunny.”
I looked at her, at a loss to explain her presence.
“What are you doing here?”
“Checking on you. Express orders from Binta.”
“My mom?” I repeated stupidly.
Adanna shook her head, asking humorously. “You must be deep in your cups. What other Binta do you know?”
She flung herself onto the visitor’s seat in front of my desk, negligently sticking out her hand to pick a candy from the little glass bowl on my desk.
“How have you been? Your mother says you haven’t been sounding too good on phone.”
“My mother has an overactive imagination,” I said dismissively.
“She says you’re lonely. Not sure how that’s possible with Nick around,” she said. I knew Adanna well; she suspected something was wrong and she was testing the waters, prodding gently to know what exactly was amiss.
“The big surprise is that you remembered his name. I thought you’d be going with New Guy.”
Adanna grinned. “Oh no one forgets that one. He’s one of those men that make a lasting impression. So what’s up with both of you?”
“Nothing these days,” I said as I shoved out of my seat and began to pace.
Eyeing my restless movement, Adanna returned the candy unopened to the bowl. “What aren’t you telling me, Oksana? On a scale of one to ten, how bad is it?” she asked coming out of her chair to clasp both my hands in hers her eyes wide and frightened as they gazed into mine.
“Ten. We broke up?”
“Effing why?” she cried.
I hid a grin. Adanna had never learned to say ‘fucking’ it had to be ‘effing’. “I ended things. Got bored.”
“Like hell you did.”
“Fine it wasn’t going anywhere.”
“How? He wanted to marry you. Have kids. What happened to change all that?” Adanna cried grasping both my shoulders in her hands as though she wanted to shake me.
“I happened,” a quiet voice said.
Both our gazes jerked towards the doorway where a smallish woman stood, her hair scraped back in a tight bun that emphasized her eyes. She was dressed in a large coat with a handbag over one hand.
Lena Arturo.
I stiffened. “What are you doing here?”
“I am an old woman, Oksana. Will you not offer me a seat so at least I w
on’t keel over while I’m eating humble pie.”
I gaped at her, certain I had misheard.
“A fine office you.ve got here,” she announced approvingly as she strode to the nearest seat and sank into it.
I continued to gape in silence. Adanna shot me a look before she herself sank into another seat. “What? Don’t tell me I’ve rendered you speechless? Never could manage that in court,” she mumbled.
Adanna looked back and forth between the pair of us as I took my seat behind the desk, “Court?”
“Adanna, may I present Judge Lena Arturo.”
Adanna’s eyes widened. She had heard enough horror stories about the woman to produce that reaction.
Lena chuckled, “Yes, dear girl. I’m the bitch your friend has been moaning about all these years. In truth, Oksana, I’ve always been so hard on you because I admired you.”
I didn’t even move so much as a hair at the obvious lie.
Lena sighed, “You have every right to disbelieve me. I admire you, Oksana. You’re a young lady and a pretty young lawyer with a brain that could rival a member of the British Queen’s Bench.”
“Cut the crap. Why are you here?” I asked.
Lena straightened. “I am an old woman, Oksana. But that doesn’t necessarily mean that I am a wise woman. I should never have tried to come between you and Nick.”
“Is she the reason you broke up?” Adanna asked aloud.
“I should never have said what I did. I know you love him and I see now that he truly loves you too. He has not been himself since the day he saw you last. I understand from Nikki and Alexander that he doesn’t eat anymore, he doesn’t sleep, and he has taken to drink.”
I stared at her aghast; Nick was in a bad way? Then a memory of the picture I had seen in the papers flashed through my mind and I glared. “I’m sure I have nothing to do with it. Maybe Gina is a bad influence.”
Lena’s vice shook as she said, “Gina is nothing to him. She saw him at the party for the first time in weeks and set her sights on him. He didn’t pay her any mind though. He was too busy drinking himself under the table and brooding.”
I looked at her, surprised at the change in her; she had lost some weight herself, I realized for the first time. Whatever else she might be, Lena really did love her grandson.
That realization brought a slight softening in my attitude towards her. Lena was nothing else if not astute; Nick probably got it from her. She was sharp as a tack; she sensed the instant my hostility towards her lessened because she immediately covered my hand with one of hers.
“Can you forgive me, dear girl? My hostility towards you was without excuse. You loved him from your heart, I realize that now. I should never have said those things I said to you; I don’t know how to forgive myself.”
I looked at her. She was just an old woman who had done what she thought was best for family and I couldn’t hold that against her. “It’s alright, Lena. Everything you said was true. Nick loves kids and I can’t have kids. He would be miserable.”
“Uh, no he wouldn’t,”Adanna chipped in, her big brown eyes staring at me.
I looked at my best friend. “He loves kids.”
“Yeah and he was willing to adopt.”
I gawked at her. The thought had never even crossed my mind. “What?”
“That day we had dinner, when you went to the restroom. He told me he meant to have you in his life and if you wanted kids so much, you could both adopt until yours came along. He had every faith you would get pregnant someday, Oksana, and even if you didn’t he only wanted you.”
The words cut through me like a knife. He told me that he loved me and only wanted me but I wouldn’t believe it. I kept measuring him against my own inadequacies. Lena would never have been able to convince me to leave him if I had believed that Nick wanted only me.
“Your friend is right, Oksana,” Lena said. “Nick hasn’t been himself since you left him. He’s wasting away.”
My heart tightened within me as I sprang to my feet, pacing the office floor again. “Oh I hurt him so. He would never forgive me. I said such horrible things to him.”
“Why?” Adanna asked quietly.
“Well, because I knew that was the only way I could get him to leave.”
“Why don’t you find him and tell him all of this then?” she suggested.
I looked at his grandmother. “Yes. You must find him and explain. Tell him what I did and why. I’m so sorry.”
I looked at her; she was a small shrunken stature of a woman. I realized then that she expected that if I told Nick what she had done he would never speak to her again.
I laid a hand on her shoulder. “I won’t mention our earlier conversation when I speak to Nick. You have my word,” I assured, squeezing her shoulders.
I grabbed my keys and fled from the room, intent on finding Nick. I had said so many horrible things to him that I couldn’t even begin to think where to beg his forgiveness from. I loved him as I had never loved anyone and I had looked him in the eye and lied to him. Nick Carradigne was a proud man; he would not beg or even reach out to me again because he had told me he wouldn’t. With every minute I was away from him, perhaps his anger was hardening into hatred.
As I raced for the door, Adanna grabbed my hand, jerking me to a stop, “You look pale. Perhaps you should use the restroom before you go.”
I rolled my eyes. “I need to see Nick. I don’t think care how I look.”
“He’s a guy. He would!” she stated shoving me towards the restroom. “And while you’re there, use this.”
I looked down as she slapped a small object into my hand; it was a pregnancy test kit.
“Ada”
“Trust me.”
Nick Carradigne
I had a headache and that was no real surprise when one considered that I had spent the last few weeks drinking myself under the table.
This morning though, I was clear-headed without so much as a drop of liquor in my system. I was angry with myself, I silently admitted. I had humbled myself to Oksana and she had looked me right in the eye and told me that I was worthless to her. Then I had proceeded to make an even bigger ass of myself with my constant drinking and sleeplessness.
My hands tightened into fists when I recalled the stern note from her secretary apprising me of the fact that Ms. Davies was ‘permanently immune to my puny advances and would be most obliged if I desisted henceforth. ’She had returned the roses too; which meant I could never bother her again.
It was a slow day at the hospital and I was thankful for it because while I was sober as a judge, I really didn’t feel like seeing anyone now.
“Shit! You look like hell!” someone muttered.
I looked up. An attending, Dr. Lucas, had walked into my office I realized as I peered up at him out of bloodshot eyes. The man took a step back and ordered gruffly, “Go home, boy, before someone sees you. They would slam a malpractice suit on you so fast it would make ye ancestors dizzy.”
“Why? I’m not drunk.”
“Not with those rheumy eyes, you’re not. I think you have the flu or something.”
“Then the hospital is exactly where I need to be.”
“Not with patients around with lowered immunities. Go home now!” he ordered and turned to the door.
As he opened it, I heard him say to someone on the other side of the door. “I’m sorry, ma’am. Dr. Carradigne isn’t seeing patients now. You’ll be sent to Dr. Marcella.”
“No. I need to see Nick,” someone said.
Dr. Lucas stepped aside at once and Oksana’s pretty face appeared in the door-way. She was wearing a short black dress with a jacket thrown carelessly over one shoulder. Her extensions were off again and the jerry curls were back. Her long legs were shown off to perfection by the short length of her dress which rode high on her thighs and the stilettos on her feet which had to be about six inches high.
She looked amazing.
“Hi,” she said coming in, her gaze
fastened on me.
My heart thudded in my chest. I sternly reminded myself that I would not make a fool of myself over her again. I turned my back on her, picked a bottle of water from the little refrigerator beside my desk, uncapped it and drank deeply all the while conscious of her brown gaze following my every move.
“To what do I owe the pleasure?” I asked as I sank onto my chair. “Come to share some more fond memories of Jake?”
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