by J. S. Cooper
“Actually, come with me real quick.” I jumped up, not even thinking about what I was doing.
“Huh?” she asked me with a confused expression.
“I owe you an apology for the way I was talking to you earlier.” I looked at her and then at Mila and TJ. “I’d like to apologize in private, if you don’t mind.”
“Oh, that’s okay,” she said and smiled weakly. “I know you were just trying to help.”
“I was, but I’d love to just say some things in private, if you don’t mind. Get some stuff off of my chest.”
“Oh, sure?” she said and stood up.
“Excuse us?” I looked at Mila and TJ and I could see Mila’s eyes were narrowed.
“Now, Cody?” she questioned me. “You want to do this now?”
“Yes, I do.” I nodded and turned away from her. “We’ll go to the spare bedroom to talk.” I grabbed Sally’s hand and pulled her out of the room before anyone else could say anything.
“Why are we going to the spare bedroom?” Sally asked me as I pulled her into the room and closed the door. “Why not the living room?”
“Because there’s no privacy in the living room,” I said as I locked the door behind me.
“Why do we need privacy?” she said, just staring at me, licking her lips nervously. “And by the way, what do you think you were doing just now? You can’t just touch me like that.”
“I thought you liked it?” I said and pulled her over to the bed.
“Cody, I don’t understand...” Her voice trailed off and I pushed her back so that she was on the mattress. “What are you doing?”
“Shh. I told you I want to apologize,” I said and I pulled her skirt up quickly.
“Cody?” She gasped as I pulled her panties down.
“Shh,” I said again before burying my face between her legs and working my tongue inside of her. She was still wet and her legs were trembling as they gripped my face. I licked and sucked and I could feel her body writhing on the bed underneath me as I brought her to orgasm with my tongue. I felt her hands in my hair as I worked my magic and I knew that she wanted this just as badly as I did.
“Cody, oh my,” she cried out as she came.
“Shh.” I placed a finger on her lips and grinned down at her. “They’ll hear you.” I laughed as she gazed up at me with wide, lusty eyes. I reached down and unbuckled my belt and pulled my hardness out. Her eyes widened as she gazed at my cock and I positioned myself between her legs. “Is this okay?” I said, and she nodded. I eased myself inside of her quickly, loving how she felt around me, so warm and silky. I rested my arm on the bed next to her shoulder and kissed her as I slid in and out of her, thrusting deeper and deeper with every move. I could hear her moans of pleasure as I grunted, my body enjoying every moment of being inside of her. “Fuck, you feel good,” I whispered in her ear as she squeezed her legs around my waist. “I was an idiot for not fucking you the other night,” I muttered as I felt my orgasm building up. I was going to come soon and I wished I’d rubbed one out before taking her. I didn’t want her to think I couldn’t last long.
“Oh, my God, I think I’m going to come again.” Sally moaned against my lips and so I started thrusting into her even faster.
“Are you on anything?” I groaned as I felt myself about to blow.
“No.” She shook her head, her eyes wide as she stared up at me.
“Damn,” I groaned, wanting to come inside of her. I thrust a few more times and then pulled out quickly and came on the side of her leg. “Sorry,” I whispered down at her. “It was the quickest place.”
“It’s okay.” She nodded and I could see from her face that she hadn’t come a second time. I reached my fingers down to her wetness and immediately started rubbing her clit as I stuck two fingers inside of her. Her eyes closed and I felt her body bucking as she immediately came for me.
“Did you like that?” I said as I kissed her again, enjoying the feel of her body shaking under mine.
“I don’t know what to say.” She opened her eyes and looked up at me.
“You don’t have to say anything,” I said with a wink. “All you have to do is think of this moment when you’re on your date with Luke tonight. If he asks you to come over, just say no. He won’t be able to do to you the things that I do,” I said as I ran my fingers over her clit one last time and then pulled her panties up and skirt down.
“What?” she said and blinked at me, looking slightly shocked at my words.
“Nothing. Sorry.” I groaned as I pulled her off of the bed, my brain screaming at me. What had I just done? Had I really just fucked Sally in my sister’s bedroom so that she wouldn’t sleep with her date tonight? “We shouldn’t have done this.”
“It was your decision.” She blinked at me.
“Sorry,” I groaned. “I just couldn’t resist you. This is my fault. I don’t want to ruin anything with you and Luke.”
“I don’t even know what to say.” Sally looked at me with a hurt expression; her eyes glistening with unshed tears.
“I’m sorry.” I pulled her into my arms, my body wanting to take her again already. “I knew this would be a bad idea. I didn’t mean to mess anything up.”
“You didn’t,” she said stiffly. “It’s fine.”
“I know you want a relationship,” I said, not able to look at her. “And it sounds like this Luke can give it to you.”
“Yeah.” She nodded.
“I just needed you to know what I could give you, too,” I said, knowing I’d been selfish. “I needed you to know what it felt like to have me inside of you. Maybe I wanted to ensure that tonight, at least, you wouldn’t be fucking anyone else.”
“I’m going to go now, Cody.” Sally’s voice sounded distant. “You’re too confusing and I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to go.” She pulled away from me and I watched as she walked to the bedroom door and unlocked it and walked out. I stood there, even as I heard her calling out to Mila and TJ that she was leaving. I remained standing there, even as I heard her opening the front door and exiting the apartment. I stood there until TJ came into the room and looked at me with narrowed eyes.
“What did you do?” he asked me with a frown and all I could do was shake my head. I had no idea what I’d just done, but I knew deep inside that I felt awful about it.
Chapter 14
Sally
There’s a moment when your heart stops. Sometimes it’s in happiness and sometimes it’s in pain. The painful moment, that’s the moment I hate the most. I call this moment, the moment before living death. It’s the point where you think you won’t be able to go on. I’ve experienced that moment several times now. Every time Cody gave me a look and then turned away without really looking at me. Every time I hoped he would tell me he loved me, but he talked about another girl. Every time I think of him with someone else. That moment makes me want to die. The pain is so sharp, so deep, that I can feel my entire body succumbing to some unknown pain that pierces my soul. I can literally feel a piece of my soul leaving me every time he gazes away from me. Those moments were fleeting. Up until now. Now, the moment was embedded in me. Now, the pain of near death was ingrained in my soul. I ran out of Mila’s house with my entire body shaking. I was still high from Cody making love to me. I could still feel his kisses as he entered me. I could still feel the excitement and hope in my veins. The hope that had been living in me for years. The hope that he had just extinguished by telling me he still wanted me to go on the date with Luke. He hadn’t slept with me because he wanted me all to himself. He hadn’t slept with me because he couldn’t stand me going out with Luke. He had slept with me because he didn’t want sloppy seconds. He wanted to fuck me. As he’d said so crudely. And that was it. He’d taken what he’d wanted and discarded me. Told me to move on to the next guy. And yet, still somewhere inside of me, there was still hope. I couldn’t believe it. I couldn’t believe I was such a fool. How could I be such a fool? After everything. After leaving Mila�
�s in a panic, almost in tears, hating him with all my heart. Even when I said I was done. It was still there, I could feel it in the bottom of my soul. The hope was going to murder me in the night.
The hope is too much. It kills me, slays me in the middle of the night when I’m lying there. Thinking of and rehearing our entire conversations from the day. I’d think about our texts, our calls, every little thing he’d said to me or hadn’t said to me. Over and over again. I just don’t understand how I can feel something so deep and strong. I can’t fathom how my heart and soul can carry such love when there is nothing being given back to me.
I used to think that it was better to have loved and lost. I used to think that I was glad to be experiencing this emotion. That it meant I was living and trying. Love was a good thing. Love is a beautiful thing. I used to enjoy the feeling of my heart racing every time I saw him. It used to feel like I was flying. It used to feel like I was on top of the world. I craved the feeling. At least I did when I didn’t feel the pain and the rejection. When I just lived for the moments of us being together. When a simple hello could make my week. Those were the days, the weeks, the months that made me love being in love. But then I got older, wiser, and sadder. Now the love is tinged in pain. Now every time we share a smile, I don’t know whether I want to laugh or cry. Sometimes I feel like I can’t breathe. Sometimes I feel like I can’t go on. Sometimes I feel like I’m a walking corpse and that my life will never be the same again. And now that I’d slept with him, now I’d known him in a way I’d dreamt of for years, I knew that everything would only get harder.
Cody Brookstone. The man of my dreams. The man I considered my soul mate. Once upon a time I would have believed we were destined to be with each other. Once upon a time, I thought it was inevitable. I’d believed that there was no feeling this strong, this powerful, that couldn’t be real. That couldn’t mean we weren’t made for each other. But now, now I’m older. Now I’m walking down the street after the best and worst moment of my life. Now, I’m sitting here on a random street bench trying not to cry my eyes out and I’m wondering to myself what has possessed me? What has come over me? How could I be so sad, so desperate, and so crazy over someone who didn’t care? I didn’t know if he ever thought about me, if he ever cared. The pain at that feeling. The pain knowing he was always in my thoughts but I was nothing to him. It consumed me. Absolutely consumed me. It made me question my sanity and self-worth. It made me question everything. He meant everything to me. I’d given myself to him willingly, lovingly. I’d been excited when he’d teased me under the table and taken me to the bedroom. I’d thought it had meant something more than it had, but of course, I’d been wrong again. I felt the warm tears running down my face and I buried my face in my hands. I let the tears pour down my face ungracefully. I let myself sob until my eyes hurt. I let my body shake. I let myself cry out in anguish. I let myself release all of the sorrow and despair that I felt. Cody had broken me. I’d let him break me. I was no longer a person I recognized. I was no longer me. And if I was honest with myself, I knew that it wasn’t Cody’s fault. It was mine. He’d never pretended to offer me something else. He’d never made any false promises. He’d never told me he loved me or even liked me in a way more than friends. It had all been in my head and I had to let go. If I didn’t, I was scared at how much lower I could go. As I sat up and looked at the empty road in front of me, I realized that I was already the lowest I’d ever been and I could allow myself to sink even further. It was time for me to be strong. It was time for me to let Cody go.
* * *
I hate first dates. I hate having nerves. I hate the feeling of not knowing what the guy will think of me. I hate not having confidence now. I’m not really sure when or how I lost it. I think I lost it at some point around the time I realized that I was in love with Cody and that he didn’t feel the same way about me. It took the wind out of my sails and I’ve never really recovered from that. I’ve never gotten back that hopeful innocence and self-esteem. In fact, most times now I wish I could change who I was. That’s what loving Cody has done to me. It’s made me wish I could change and be the woman he would fall in love with. I wish I could mold myself into the woman he wants. I’d change everything I had to change for him to want me. I know that sounds pitiful. I know it’s weak, but that’s how much I love him. I’d change any and everything: my looks, my personality, my likes, everything. I know that’s not healthy. I know that’s not love. I know I have a problem. Some deep, dark emotional issues that I should fix. But how can I fix it? Fixing it would mean not loving Cody. It would mean acknowledging that it’s never going to happen. That’s hard, but I’m going to try. Mila thinks I’m going on these dates to make Cody jealous. She thinks that I’m still going for his heart. But that’s not completely true. While it’s true that I still love him and want him with every part of me, I also want to let him go. I don’t want to play these games. I don’t want to be his best friend. I don’t want to wake up at 3 am anymore in a dead panic. I don’t want to feel like I’m not in control. It’s a helpless feeling. A mind-numbing crazy, crazy feeling. It’s a feeling of emptiness that I’ve never experienced before. My whole life is on edge. And I hate it. So that’s why I’m really going on the date. I want to meet someone else. And that’s why I’m willing to suck up my fear. Any pain or rejection I feel will be nothing compared to what I’ve already experienced with Cody. Rejection is a bitch. And if Luke doesn’t like me it will sting, but not as much as the pain resonating through me at what Cody has done to me. Mila thinks I’m dating as a way to win Cody, but I know that I’m dating as a way to move on. I want to find someone who can love me in the way I want to be loved. I deserve that and I know I deserve it, but I also know getting to that part is going to suck.
I checked my face in my car mirror one more time, reapplied some lipstick and jumped out, smoothing out my dress and tucking my hair back behind my ear. I took a deep breath and hurried toward the coffee shop where I was going to meet Luke. I was surprised that my eyes looked clear ager all of my earlier crying. I felt a bit weird to be going on a first date the same day I’d slept with someone else, but I was just going to pretend that Cody and I had never hooked up. I was not going to let him ruin my date with Luke.
I walked in hesitantly, surprisingly not feeling as many nerves as I thought I would. I looked around and immediately I saw him on a couch, a huge smile on his face as he jumped up.
“Hi, Sally?” He said as he walked towards me all six feet and two inches of him looking devastatingly handsome. I looked at him in surprise. He was much better looking than his photos and his warm smile made me feel super happy. He made me feel like he was excited to see me. And that was something I hadn’t felt from a guy in a while.
“Yes, Luke?” I smiled at him and his big brown eyes glanced into mine with such a caring look that I felt a part of me relax in a carefree way.
“That’s me.” He reached his hand out, then looked at me, shook his head and gave me a small smile. “Would it be awkward if I hugged you?” He made a little face, but still leaned in to hug me. I hugged him back, enjoying the warmth of his body next to mine. “Or rather, can I hug you?”
“Not awkward and sure.” I laughed as he released me and he gave me a bashful grin.
“I suppose I should have asked you and then waited for your answer first.” He shook his head in a self-deprecating way and I just smiled. “Would you like a drink? Tea, coffee, hot chocolate?” He waves his arms around. “Anything you want?”
“Anything I want?” I leaned and tilted my head to the side. “What if I want a lemon drop with gold flakes?”
“Then I’m in trouble.” He grinned back at me and we both laughed. I was surprised by how at ease I felt with him. “Maybe a lemonade with brown sugar that we pretended was gold?”
“That could work, I suppose.” I smiled back at him.
“Thanks for meeting me here before the movie by the way. I know I changed the plans slightly and I feel b
ad, but I thought that dinner might be better after the movie.” He grinned bashfully. “If you still want to hang out with me by then.”
“Ha-ha, no worries. I’m flexible.” I said. “I’m excited to see the movie.”
“I hope you enjoy it. I realized that maybe it’s not the best first date.” He made a face. “Sorry. I guess I’m not a good dater.”
“It’s fine.” I laughed. “I’m not a good dater either, so I guess we’re in good company.”
“I guess I got lucky then.” He gave me a lopsided smile and once again his brown eyes looked into mine warmly.
“Oh?”
“To find someone I’m so compatible with.” He said and then ran his hands through his dark locks. “Now let’s get you a drink.”
“Sure, thanks.” I nodded and followed him to the line. I stared up at the menu and looked at my options.
“Know what you want? I recommend their vanilla lattes.” He said after a minute or so.
“Sure, I’ll try that.” I smiled at him.
“Want to share a blueberry muffin as well?” He asked with a hopeful smile and I just grinned as I nodded. He placed the order and we walked over to the table in the corner that he’d saved for us. “I hope this is okay.” He said as he waited for me to sit. “Sorry, I don’t know why I’m so nervous. Actually I do,” He grinned at me. “When I saw your profile online I was shocked to find someone as cool as you and now meeting you in person has me wondering if I’m in a dream or something.”
“Really why?” I asked him in surprise as I sat down and sipped on my vanilla latte, which was indeed delicious.
“Because you’re even prettier in person, but more than that. You have a really sweet aura about you. Does that sound weird?” He made a face. “Do I sound like some crazy hippy new age person?”
