by J. S. Cooper
I didn't even know how to respond to Luke. I knew my response would signal something to him and I wasn't sure it was fair to make him believe I wanted the same thing if I was still committed to Cody. Also, I didn't know if it was right to enter a relationship with him to get over someone else? It all seemed so murky and the last thing I wanted to do was to hurt him. I liked him too much.
"Hey, you're up." Cody walked into the room and I jumped up in surprise, as I hadn't even noticed him coming. I hadn't even heard him. My heart thudded in the way it always did when I saw him, I couldn't stop the love from flowing. I couldn't stop myself from lighting up.
"Yeah, how was the game?" I asked him softly, pushing my phone under my back.
"Still on, not sure who's going to win, do that's always a good game."
"Oh cool." I nodded, not really sure what to say. I felt tongue-tied. And awkward.
"Not really." He smiled and walked towards the bed. "Are you hungry?"
"I'm okay, thanks." I shook my head.
"Sore?"
"A bit." I nodded and gave him a weak smile. Something felt off and I knew it was all inside of me, but I didn't know what to do about it. I just wanted to cry. I could feel it inside of me, welling up. I could feel the pain inside of me wanting to come out. I wanted to cry. I wanted to sob for the heartbreak and misery I still felt. I was maybe even more miserable than before because a part of me felt used and another part of me felt like I'd screwed myself over. Sleeping with Cody had brought him closer to my heart, but emotionally I felt like we were still nowhere. We were still nothing.
"Need anything?" He asked me softly as he sat down on the side of the bed and kissed me on the cheek.
"No, I'm okay, thanks." I pretended to yawn and closed my eyes.
“Still tired?” He asked, surprised and I nodded, not wanting to look at him. I didn’t want to look into his piercing eyes. They did too much to me. Staring at his handsome face made me think things I didn’t want to think. I was annoyed at myself that I still had hope that this could grow into something more than it was. Nothing Cody had said could really lead me to believe that there was any possibility of him falling in love with me and us getting married and living happily ever after. Nothing Cody could say that would me believe he was really and truly my prince charming. Not now. Not after everything that had gone down between us. “Shall I try and wake you up?” I felt his lips against mine and I resisted kissing him back.
“No.” I mumbled, annoyed. Could he only think about sex? Was this always just going to be a booty-call? Wasn’t I worth more than that? Didn’t I deserve more than that? I loved him, but I valued myself more than what he was offering. I thought about Luke and how sweet he was. I thought about his text message. How sincere he sounded, how he really wanted to get to know me. How he could possibly offer me what I really wanted. And ultimately that was what it was all about. It was about being with someone who could give me what I wanted. Love me in the way I wanted and deserved to be loved. I was fed up of the heartache. Love wasn’t supposed to be this hard. Life wasn’t supposed to be this hard. I didn’t want to be living on the edge of uncertainty forever.
“Sally, you okay?” Cody collapsed on the bed next to me and I could tell from his voice that he was feeling unsure of himself.
“I’m fine, why?” I opened my eyes and looked over at him. He was staring at my face and his eyes were narrowed as he gazed at me. “What’s up?”
“What’s up with you?” He asked me with a slight frown. “You’re acting different.”
“What do you mean?” I blinked at him, pretending I didn’t understand what he was talking about.
“I mean, you can barely look me in the eyes right now.” He reached over and touched my lips. “What’s going on?”
“I’m just tired. I can barely keep my eyes open right now.” I blinked again and yawned widely. “It’s nothing personal.”
“Are you still mad at me? Is this what it’s all about?” He sighed.
“I’m not mad at you.” I shook my head and reached over and touched his face, wanting so badly to tell him that I loved him, wanting so badly for him to know that all I wanted was to lay in his arms forever. I just wanted to be with him and hold him close. When I was around him I was no longer myself. I hated and loved the power he had over me.
“Why does it feel like you’re mad at me then?” He said as his hand grabbed mine and he brought my fingers to his lips for a kiss.
“I don’t know.” I shrugged. “You tell me.”
“Sally, I don’t know what’s going. I just know how I feel in this moment. I know that something doesn’t feel right. I know that you’re not acting how you normally act. I know that something seems off.”
“Wow you know a lot.” I answered with a small smile, trying to joke. “When did you get so smart?”
“We have a connection, Sally. I don’t understand it and I’ve never been so attuned so someone else before, but I know that something isn’t right.” He sighed. “But fine, you don’t have to tell me.”
“What connection do you think we have?” I asked softly, wanting him to continue. Maybe if he, if we, could talk this out, somehow we’d get to a place that felt better.
“I don’t know.” He sighed. “Maybe because we’ve known each other for so long and because we’re better friends now and now we’re lovers, maybe I can just understand you better now. Maybe I can read your cues better now that you’re in my life more. I don’t really know why or how. Does it really matter?”
“I guess not.” I sighed. “Why should it matter right? Why does any of it matter? It’s just nothing. It’s all just nothing.”
“What is that supposed to mean? It’s just nothing?” He gave a deep sigh. “Why do I feel like we’re fighting and I don’t even know why.”
“If you don’t know why, then it doesn’t matter, right?” I pulled my hand away from his and sat up quickly. “I just can’t do this anymore, Cody. I just don’t have the strength to go back and forth with you all of the time.”
“Go back and forth about what?” He sat up as well and his voice was angry. “What the hell is going on, Sally? I thought we were in a good place? I thought everything was okay? Shit, we just made love five times.”
“It always comes back to sex for you, doesn’t it?” I put my hands in my face. “I want more than that.”
“What?” He jumped off of the bed and looked at me. “What the hell are you talking about? What do you mean it always comes back to sex for us? When has our relationship ever just been about sex?”
“What relationship?” I said and jumped up out of bed. “Do we have a relationship? Do we have anything?”
“What do you mean do we have a relationship?” He frowned. “Of course we do.”
“What’s our relationship then?” I heard the words out loud and my whole body froze. I couldn’t believe that I was having this conversation here and now. I couldn’t believe that I was going for it. I knew that I sounded crazy, like some sort of stalker-obsessed person, but I couldn’t keep doing this. I couldn’t keep hoping and praying and falling back into this trap. He either wanted me or he didn’t. I couldn’t keep giving my body to him. I couldn’t keep letting my heart have this hope and want. It wasn’t fair and I knew that every time it didn’t go well, I was losing a part of myself. My soul was splintered and I didn’t want to live this way any more. My life and his love weren’t worth all of this.
“I didn’t know we had a defined relationship.” He said slowly, his face going red. “We’ve never discussed anything like that.”
“We never discussed having sex, but we’ve had it.” I almost shouted. “And we also never discussed birth control, but you haven’t really seemed to care much about that.”
“Sally, I’m sorry.” His lips thinned. “It was irresponsible of me, I know that, but I just wanted you so badly that I wasn’t thinking.”
“Yeah, I get it. The sex was too good. I was too good. You felt too good.”
I rolled my eyes. “I get that sex means more to you than a relationship.”
“What are you talking about? I told you that I liked you. This is about more than sex.”
“Is it?” I said and gazed at him, my eyes piercing into his, looking for honest answers to my questions.
“What are you asking me, Sally?” He chewed on his lower lip and I could see his heart beating as he chest rose quickly.
“What do you think?” I cocked my head to the side, not even caring that I was putting my cards on the line.
“Are you saying you want to be in a relationship with me?” The words tripped out of his mouth uncomfortably. “Are you saying that you want to date me? That you want to be my girlfriend?” He continued to stare at me with an impassive face and I just stared back at him, having no idea what he was thinking. Did he think I was crazy? Was he scared out of his mind?
“I would like to think that the person I’m sleeping with would also want me to be his girlfriend.” I said simply.
“We haven’t even been on any dates.” He said slowly, his eyes changing into an emotion akin to fear. “We don’t even know if we’d be compatible in a relationship. We don’t even know if we’d get on well.”
“Okay.” I nodded, his answer telling me everything we need to know.
“Okay?” He frowned. “That’s all you have to say?”
“What do you want me to say?” I said, and I could feel my entire body trembling. Tears were welling up in my eyes and I just stared at him. So handsome, so sexy, so lost. My love. My everything. My nothing because he wasn’t mine.
“I don’t know.” He said. “Maybe that you’ll just go along with things how they are and then we can rethink everything later.”
“Rethink what, Cody?” I shook my head at him. “What is there to rethink?”
“How we feel.”
“I know how I feel, you know how you feel.” I shrugged. “There’s nothing to rethink.”
“Sally, you’re really confusing me. This is the first time we’ve ever had a conversation like this. I don’t know what you feel. I don’t know what you want.” He shook his head.
“Then I’m just another crazy girl, I suppose.” I was starting to get angry. “How can you not know how I feel Cody? Are you an idiot? Are you blind? Do you think I would just come back with you and sleep with you because you’re such a smooth talker?”
“Maybe.” He cracked a grin, but it quickly fell from his face when he realized that I wasn’t in the mood for jokes.
“Everything is a joke to you.” I shook my head and reached down for my clothes. “I’m not going to do this anymore.”
“Do what?” He looked baffled and I could almost laugh. He really seemed to have no idea that I was in love with him. “You’re leaving? Did I do something wrong, Sally? I’m so confused right now.”
“You’re not the only one that’s confused.” I pulled on my clothes. “I’m bloody confused and angry.”
“What?” He grabbed my arms and held me still. “Look at me, Sally. You need to tell me what’s going on. I can’t read your mind. What the hell happened when I went down to watch football? I truly don’t understand.”
“It doesn’t matter. I’m over it. I’m over you.” I was hurt and frustrated and all the hurt was coming out. I didn’t even care that he didn’t even know what I was talking about.
“Over me?” He frowned. “Sally?”
We both paused as my phone beeped from under the duvet. He pulled back from me and frowned. “Your phone is in the bed?” He walked over and pulled the duvet off and grabbed my phone. I bit down on my lower lip hoping that it wasn’t Luke texting me. Please please don’t let it be Luke texting me again, I thought. Please let it be Mila asking me how I was doing. Or something like that. The silence as he grabbed the phone and looked at the screen was painful, but I knew as soon as the tension hit the air and his angry red face looked at me that I wasn’t going to be so lucky. I knew before he even said anything that it was Luke who had texted me and that he had read the text.
“So you’re still talking to Luke.” He said, his voice deceptively low.
“Yeah, I am.” I nodded slowly. “Well, he text me today. To apologize and explain what had happened the other day.”
“Before or after we had sex?” He pursed his lips. “Before or after you went crazy.”
“I didn’t go crazy.” I glared at him. “And this has nothing to with him.” I waved my arms between us. “This has everything to do with us and just us.”
“Yeah, okay.” He shook his head in disgust. “Don’t even try and lie to me, Sally. Just an hour ago you were screaming out my name and now you’re putting on your clothes, mumbling some bullshit about relationships and being confused and not explaining shit to me. And you’re telling me that this has nothing to do with the text message that you just got from some dipshit guy that you’ve been seeing the last week, who wanted to put ice cream on your body and lick it off.”
“What the hell are you talking about?” I shook my head at him. “You’re fucking crazy. I never said he wanted to put ice cream on my body and lick it off. You did.”
“If you want that so badly, I have some vanilla downstairs. I can go and get it and lick it off you now. If that’s what you want.”
“You’re a pig.” I screamed at him, my eyes wide. I wasn’t even sure how we had descended so low so quickly. “How dare you?”
“I’m all about sex right? So I guess I dare a lot of things. Shit, why don’t you bend over right now and I’ll stick it in your ass as well.”
“Cody.” I stared at him in shock, unable to believe what he’d just said. He looked back at me, his face looking as shocked as mine and he handed me my phone silently. “I think I’m going to leave now.” I said softly as I grabbed my phone.
“Whatever.” He turned around and walked out of the room, leaving me standing there, with trembling fingers. I pressed down on the phone to see the text that Luke had sent me that had sent everything over the edge and sighed. Also, I just wanted to say that our kiss the other night was magical. I think I saw a shooting star when we pulled apart and I wanted you to know that I made a wish. My wish was that every kiss we shared would be as special as that one. Hopefully it will still come true.
I looked at the screen for another few seconds and tears streamed down my face and onto the phone as I read Luke’s words. Why was this so complicated? Why wasn’t it Cody that was sending me these sweet texts? And more importantly, how was it possible to feel like I liked two guys? And how did I get over these thoughts and feelings? Everything was a real mess and I knew that I had no idea what to do to figure it out. Not that it really mattered. As far as I was concerned, I was done with Cody once and for all and this time I meant it.
Chapter 17
Cody
I heard the door slamming behind Sally as she left my apartment and I continued to sit on my couch for a few seconds seething. I had no idea why she was so angry and I couldn’t believe she was playing me. Did she really have feelings for Luke? Reading that text message that they’d kissed had made me see red. She’d kissed him? I’d been texting her every day. I’d been thinking about her. Worrying she’d been mad at me. I’d been there hoping to see her and hoping she’d been going through the same thing. And now I find out that she’s out making out with other guys. Perverted guys that wanted to lick ice cream off of her. I was pissed. How dare she play me? I could feel myself growing angry. How dare she pretend that she was angry because we’d had sex and try and make it seem like the reason she was angry was because I’d said I didn’t think we were ready to be boyfriend and girlfriend. What the hell did she expect? Would any reasonable woman think that they were dating someone they’d never been on a date with before. She should have said she wanted to go on a date if that was what she wanted. How was I to know? I mean, really, I’m not a mind reader. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that she was just using me. She’d slept with me because she was on
the rebound with Luke because she thought he’d dumped her and wasn’t interested and then he’d texted and she’d felt guilty and now was taking it out on me. I was pissed. She’d used me. I sat on the couch seething, angry with her, but in my heart I knew that I wasn’t completely right. I knew that inside there was more going on here and I just didn’t want to acknowledge it. I shifted on the couch and grabbed my phone. There was only one person I could call right now. Only one person that would know what to say and how to help.
“Cody?” Mila’s voice sounded surprised as she answered the phone.
“Yes, it’s me, your stupid big brother.” I said sheepishly into the phone.
