by J. S. Cooper
"We won't be sisters." Mila said softly.
"We were never going to be sisters." I sighed, tears wanting to well up in my eyes. "Cody doesn't care for me like that. I don't know what his game is. I don't know why he acts jealous and pretends like he cares, but never does anything. I don't know and I don't care anymore. My heart can't take it anymore. I've lost a piece of myself, Mila. I can't explain it, but a piece of my soul has died. A piece of me is forever gone and the more I hope, the more I love, the more I wait, the more I feel myself fading into oblivion, not caring, not dreaming, not wondering, not living."
"You should talk to Cody. Call him back and see what he has to say."
"And tell him what?" I sighed. "It's not his problem. You can't blame someone for not loving you. I don’t need to have another conversation with him. I’m sure he feels bad. I’m sure he wishes that he could love me. I know he cares about me. I know he wants me in his life, but I want more than sex. I want more than a good friend. I want a man that would die for me. I want a man that feels my pain. I want a man that can feel my heart. I want a man that loves me so much that he can’t go a day without seeing or talking to me. I want a man that adores me so much that he thinks the sun rises and sets with me. I want a man who thinks about first thing in the morning and last thing at night. I want a man that would take my last breath for me. I don’t want a man that makes me feel like I can’t breathe. I feel like I’m the walking dead, Mila. I feel like I can’t even go on another day like this."
"I wish I could slap him." Mila mumbled and I could hear tears falling from her eyes.
"Why are you crying?" I asked her softly, feeling myself wanting to cry as well.
"Because you're in so much pain and I can feel it." She sobbed and I could hear the tears running faster now. "I don't want to lose you, Sally. And I don't want you to lose yourself either. I feel like my brother has changed you, torn you down, and now you're trembling like a flower in a brisk wind."
"Oh Mila." I grabbed my phone tightly. "I don't even know what to say."
"You don't have to be strong now, Sally." Mila’s voice became strong. "You can cry. You can cry and sob and hug me tight any day of the week. I'm here for you. I love you. You're my best friend. You're my soul mate. I will always be here for you."
"Oh Mila." I started crying. "I wish you were here right now. You don't even know how I feel right now." My tears started falling like raindrops in a thunderstorm, heavy and dark and I could feel my nose running as well. I could hear Mila crying and then I started crying even harder. It was like I could finally let it all out. All the pain and hurt and confusion. All the dreams and hopes. I was letting them all go. And perhaps that was the hardest thing of all. It was easy to hope that things would change. It hurt, but there was always a beckoning light at the end of the tunnel, but now, now there was nothing. Giving up all hope and letting go of Cody was the end. It was the end of every childish dream I’d ever had about the two of us. It was the end of my one true love fantasy. It was the end of my lifelong quest to end up with my soul mate. Cody and I were never going to be. We were never going to get married and sing songs to our children. He was never going to wake me up in the morning gazing adoringly in my eyes and whispering he loved me. We were never going to grow old together and tell each other stories about our joint past. We were never going to anything. There was never going to be an us. That killed me. Knowing that made me die a million deaths, but inside I could also feel a little flower blooming. A flower that was ready to bloom under another sun. A flower that was ready for some happiness and no more pain. A flower that was ready for the dawn of a new day.
* * *
“Why won’t you talk to me, Sally?” Cody stood on my doorstep and I felt like I wanted to pass out. “What’s going on?”
“Nothing.” I shook my head. “What are you doing here?”
“You’re not answering my calls. My emails. I sent you some messages on Facebook. I texted you.” His eyes searched mine. “You haven’t responded to anything.”
“What do you care?” I said bitterly. “It’s not like you always respond. I just didn’t get around to it yet.”
“You always respond.” He said, his face unsure and red. “You don’t ignore me.”
“What do you want, Cody?” I stood at the door, just waiting for him to leave. I didn’t want to talk to him. Just seeing him was breaking my heart. I didn’t want to deal with this.
“Can I come in?”
“Why?” I took a deep breath. “I just don’t have much time right now.”
“I thought we were friends.” He said softly.
“Yeah, we are.” I nodded.
“Once you called me your best friend.” He said with a small smile. “Remember?”
“We all say things we don’t mean.” I shrugged.
“You’re one of my best friends.” He said softly. “You know that right?”
I didn’t respond. I didn’t know what to say. What did it even matter anymore? What did anything matter? I felt too numb inside. Too heartbroken. Too empty. I hate you was all I could think as I stared at him. I hate you for making me feel this way. I hate you for making me having so much self-doubt. I hate you for me not being able to let go. I hate you for not letting go of me when you knew you didn’t love me. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you.
“So how have you been?” He asked me, his face somber as we stood there in awkward silence.
“Good, you?” I gave him a half-hearted smile, not wanting him to know how uncomfortable I felt inside. Not wanting him to know that he had made me lose a part of myself and that I’d been awful, while trying to pretend, even to myself, that I was doing well.
“Not great.” He said, his face looking sad. “But better now that I’m getting to see you.”
“Okay.” I nodded. “So what did you want to talk about?”
“Everything.” He shrugged. “I just want to feel better about this situation.”
“I’m not here to make you feel better about yourself, Cody. I’m sorry, but I’ve done that too much already. The only times you’ve really come to me haven’t been about me. They’ve been because you, you were feeling down and out and you needed me to make you feel better about yourself.”
“That’s not true.” He looked at me with a hurt expression. “I care a lot about you.”
“Yeah, yeah, I know that. You care oh so much about me.” I rolled my eyes. “I get it, Cody. Look, I know we’re friends, but I also know that I can’t do this anymore.”
“Do what?” His voice rose. “Do we have to get into an argument already? I really hoped we could just talk everything out.”
“Sure, let’s talk it out.” I said with a sigh. What really was there left to talk about?
“What should we talk about?” He asked looking at me with an alert expression that made me want to scream and shout.
"Cody, you called me. You wanted to meet up with me, so if you want to talk, you need to start the conversation." I was not going to make this easy for him. I was over it. Really and truly over it.
"I'm trying to, can you stop being so difficult, please?"
"I'm not being difficult." I groaned, not sure if I was going to be able to do this with him.
"Okay." He said simply as he pursed his lips. "If you say so."
"I do say so." I said, not able to stop a small smile from crossing my face. He looked back at me and smiled back as well. I felt my heart skipping a beat as we both smiled at each other, for a second everything was all right I'm out world again.
“I miss you.” He started again and gave me another small smile. “I miss talking to you. I miss getting your texts. I miss you telling me off for not texting. I miss you dreaming of me. I miss you telling me about your dreams. I miss you wanting to hang out. I miss your random messages. I miss you being there in small ways.”
“I annoyed you.” I said, not wanting to think anything positive. Not wanting to believe that he really missed me in any way import
ant.
“That’s what I said. How I acted.” He sighed, his eyes bleak. “I know that. I know I hurt you. I know I made you think I didn’t care. I know that I haven’t been the friend you needed. I’m so sorry for so many things.”
“It’s fine. I forgive you.”
“Please, can I come in?” He pursed his lips. “Can we have this conversation in your living room as opposed to at your front door?”
“Fine.” I sighed then, and opened the door wider. “Come in.”
“Thanks.” He stepped into the doorway and paused as I closed the door. “You look really pretty today.”
“Thanks.” I said, not looking at him. I didn’t want to look into his eyes; I didn’t want to see his handsome face. I didn’t want my heart to skip the beats it always did when he was around. I didn’t want to be so affected by him, every damn time I saw him
“So have you missed me?” He asked softly and I could feel him stepping closer to me. I froze as I felt his fingers on my chin, lifting my face to stare at him, his eyes hopeful.
“I don’t know what you want me to say.” I mumbled, a piece of me dying inside. And another part of me feeling the heat of fire and hope that had never fully extinguished. That I knew now would never be extinguished, no matter how much I willed it away. He was always going to come back. He was always going to keep popping it. And this feeling. This love, it was never going to leave me. I was doomed to love him forever. I just needed to learn how to live with it and not let it ruin my life.
Chapter 19
Cody
Sally stood in front of me, her face tired and her eyes red and every little inch of me felt like a piece of crap. I’d come over here wanting to accuse her of being in love with Luke. Wanting to tell her that she’d ditched him for me. Wanting to play the innocent victim because I was hurt that she hadn’t returned my calls and texts. I was an asshole, I realized that now. And more importantly, Mila had been right. I was selfish. I was really selfish. I was seeing this all through my own eyes. I was feeling my own hurt. I was dealing with my own pain. And I wasn’t seeing it through the perspective of Sally. I felt like grabbing a dagger and sticking it through my own heart for being such a selfish, asinine idiot.
“I lied.” I said as I stepped back from her and pursed my lips. I let out a huge sigh and ran my hands through my hair. I could tell from the expression on her face that she had no idea what was going on.
“You lied about what?” She said, her eyes barely able to look into mine.
“I lied when I pretended I didn’t know what you were talking about the other day. When you talked about relationships.” I pursed my lips.
“Oh.” She said and looked down. “It’s fine. It doesn’t matter. I shouldn’t have brought it up. It wasn’t really relevant to us.”
“Of course it was relevant.” I sighed again as I listened to her. What had happened to her spunk? Had I done this to her? Had I made her this shell of a person? “I’m an idiot, Sally. A fucking idiot. You can hit me, beat me, spank me, and do whatever you want to me. I deserve it.”
“What are you talking about?” She looked up at me in confusion, blinking slowly. I wanted to reach out and pull her into my arms. I wanted to kiss away her pain. I wanted to tell her I was sorry for being such a jackass. I wanted to go back in time and redo so many things, but I knew that none of that was possible. At least not know.
“I’m not a complicated guy, you know.” I started mumbling. “I like beer. I like sports. I like women.” I sighed. “I had a good childhood, have good friends. Everything has been pretty easy for me. I like my life. I like it being uncomplicated. I don’t do complicated. I don’t do entanglements. I’ve never had to worry about someone depending on me, needing me. I’ve never had to worry about my own feelings becoming tied to someone else either. I’ve never had that happen to me before.”
“What?” She said softly.
“I’ve never felt bad because I thought someone was upset at me before.” I gave her a look. “I guess I’m emotionally immature, but I’ve never cared that much about a person that my own feelings have changed based on how they’re feeling.”
“I see.” She said, but her expression showed that she wasn’t really following what I was saying.
“I’ve never experienced jealousy before either. I never knew what it felt like to lay up all night wondering what someone was doing, where they were, who they were talking to, if they were thinking of me. I’ve never known that I could be jealous of my own sister.”
“You’ve been jealous of Mila?”
I nodded and then grabbed her hand. “Can we go and sit down? Please?”
“Okay.” She nodded and we walked towards her living room and sat down on the couch. I looked over at her and I could feel my heartstrings tightening. How had I not known how I felt about Sally before all of this? How had I ignored the feeling in my heart? Had I been that dumb and blind?
“I was jealous of the fact that Mila got to talk to you, to spend time with you. I was jealous that she was the one you were going too. I wanted it to be me. I wanted to hear from you. I wanted to be your one.”
“I could hardly go to you about you.” Sally said softly. “Anyways what do you care?”
“Oh Sally, I’ve really and truly confused you, haven’t I? I suppose it makes sense though. I’ve been so confused myself. Not only was I lying to you, but I was lying to myself as well.”
“Lying about what exactly?”
“Lying that I didn’t care. Lying that I didn’t know that you cared. Lying that I thought this was casual. Lying that I was okay with it being casual. Lying that I was okay with you going on dates. Lying that I was okay with you dating Luke. Lying that I wanted to go on dates with other women. Lying that I was thinking about other women asides from you. Lying that I wasn’t thinking about you all the time. Lying that we were just friends. Lying that I didn’t want more. Lying that I couldn’t give you more. Lying that this wasn’t something special. Lying that the feeling in my heart wasn’t love.” I paused then and watched her face as she gasped and stared at me with wide eyes. I knew in that instant that whatever she’d felt for me hadn’t faded completely. The light that shone in her eyes. The way that she looked at me. The sudden glow that she had. It meant something. It meant I still had a chance. All I needed was one last chance. All I needed was for Sally to know that I knew I’d screwed up. I knew that I had broken her, not intentionally, never intentionally. It killed me to think that she’d been in pain because I’d been such an idiot, but I wanted to make it up to her. I needed to make it up to her. I needed her to know that I wanted to spend the rest of my life making it up to her, showing her that I wasn’t going to be afraid of my feelings anymore. I wanted to step out of my comfort zone. I wanted to give her everything that she wanted. I wanted to stop lying to her and myself. I wanted to be the man that she wanted me to be. I wanted to be the man that she thought I was. I wanted to prove to her that my love and my heart was hers forever and I never wanted her to ever have to doubt that again.
Chapter 20
Sally
I thought my heart was going to pop out of my stomach. That’s how fast it was racing. I felt like I was in the Twilight Zone and I wanted to pinch myself. Was I really and truly here with Cody and had he really just said that he loved me? This couldn’t be happening. This was all too surreal. Cody was not here, with me, in my living room, telling me he’d been lying to me. Things like this didn’t happen in real life. People didn’t all of a sudden love you. He didn’t all of a sudden love me. Prayers didn’t really come true. I didn’t understand. I must be dreaming. I must be dreaming. I pinched myself and it hurt and I knew then that this wasn’t a dream. My heart started racing then and I could feel life stirring back into my cold body. Was Cody really here making me a believer once again?
“I'm glad I met you as a little girl.” Cody said with a small smile on his face and I frowned.
“Why?” I gazed into his eyes that were sta
ring at me openly with love and I swallowed hard.
“Because.”
“Because why?” I wanted to ask him if this was some sort of cruel joke, but I was scared of his answer.
“Because this way I know I'm your true love.”
“Cody! Is this a joke?” I looked at him in shock. Was that something romantic coming out of his mouth? And what did he know about true love? And did he think that I loved him? Oh God, did he know?
“Of course not.” He shook his head.
“How do you know you're my true love then?” I grinned at him, unable to stop myself. I didn’t care if he knew I loved him, if he loved me as well.
“Because you're mine.” He said simply and my heart froze.
“Say that again.” I whispered.
“Say what?” He grimaced, looking slightly embarrassed and I laughed at the expression on his face. So awkward and slightly worried. Maybe he wasn’t as sure about my feelings as he was letting on.
