by C. M. Carpi
“How did your parents die?” — He broke the silence as if he knew what I was thinking. I felt pain on my chest while thinking about that day. I didn’t think that after so much time I’d still feel like that.
“My father died in a car accident.” — He continued brushing my hair, waiting for me to go on. — “My mother killed herself months later.” — His hands stopped. He held my shoulders and I turned around feeling the tears in my eyes. I had already overcome my parents’ loss, but the way it happened still made me feel bad. Perhaps I’d never really overcome that. Daniel put both hands on my face.
“I’m really sorry — His voice was warm and I didn’t see pity in his eyes like I’ve seen in other people. I was capable of hearing their thoughts.
“Poor girl, losing her parents like that.”
“Poor child. How will she ever overcome that?”
“She’ll never be happy.”
But his look was different. It gave me strength.
“All right, I’ve been through all the grief before.” — But it wasn’t really true.
“How old were you?”
“Twelve.” — He stayed silent and started touching my face with his thumbs, wiping the tears that rolled down my face. That was great. It’s been a long time since I felt this way, so close to someone. Maybe I’ve never felt this way before. The way he talked to me, the way he looked at me made me feel safe.
When I opened my eyes, his eyes seemed darker, his mouth was half-opened and his breath was heavy. My heart beating was accelerated. He was so close I could feel his warm breath on my face. So was it that now? He’d finally kiss me? I had chills all over my body.
No, it wasn’t now.
His cell phone rang, breaking all the magic.
“Sorry, I really need to get this” — He closed his eyes and said in a low frustrated voice.
I just nodded while trying to calm my body. He let go of me and he answered the phone in his perfect Italian, grabbed the computer and started working again. I got up, took two glasses of water, an Advil and sat on bed again, trying to stay far from him.
I turned on the TV and looked for something to distract me, but nothing worked. I looked at him all the time and sometimes we crossed eyes and I could feel the electricity all over my body, as usual. I turned off the TV and went to sleep again.
Daniel
I couldn’t wake her up. I took a shower and went downstairs to the hotel restaurant to eat something, though I wasn’t really hungry. I needed to get away from her.
In the beginning I was pretty sure of what I felt, but now? It was hard to control my body while she was around, while I felt her scent, her gentle touch and the warmth of her skin. I didn’t want just one night of sex, not anymore. I needed to be next to her all the time. What was happening to me?
You’re in love with her!
A feeling of tender and caring necessity evolved me while I had that thought. I found myself smiling alone, but the memories of a promise made among tears and despair brought me back to reality.
You promised, Daniel. Don’t forget!
How could I ever have done that? I grabbed my cell phone and wondered for a long time before making that call, but I really needed to hear her voice, just to make sure everything was ok, maybe that would help me clear my thoughts. When I heard her anguished and sad voice, I understood there was nothing I could do but keep my promise.
She was sleeping in the same position when I got in the room. I sat in the armchair in front of her bed and stared at her in details, the way she put her hand under her chin and the other arm under the pillow. She wasn’t wearing socks, and although she was totally covered by the blanket she kept her feet uncovered. Her breath was calm and her mouth softly opened. I stared at her for some minutes. I couldn’t be so selfish, could I? No, she didn’t deserve that. Tomorrow I’ll talk to her and head to Milan on my own. I’ll leave everything behind and move on with my life from the point I stopped. What life? I smiled at this thought.
That meant leaving her. It meant not hearing her laughing again and not holding her hand. I would never see those green eyes again. I couldn’t think about it.
Yes, I’m selfish.
I got up slowly and sat beside her, caressing her soft hair. Her lightly tan skin was pale and her forehead sweat, but it was incredibly soft.
“Elena, get up, you need to eat something.”
She mumbled something and came closer to me.
“I’ve brought you some food” — She didn’t answer. — “Elena”
“I don’t want to eat, Daniel” — She answered with her eyes still closed, and a low and hoarse voice.
“Open your eyes” — She opened them slowly, but didn’t say anything.
“I’ve brought you some soup, just have a little.” — She rejected with a gesture and turned around. — “Don’t be stubborn, Elena, you need to eat”
“What if I feel bad again?”
“You won’t, I promise” — She looked at me before sitting, adapting the pillow in her back. I opened the pack and took it to bed. It was still warm and the scent invaded the room. It was so delicious she didn’t resist. She had more than half of it, and said she was still feeling sick, but she looked better.
“Better?” — She nodded and laid her head on my shoulder.
“Will you stay with me today?” — She asked looking at me.
“If you want me to, I will.”
“I do.” — She grabbed the remote control, changing the channels nonstop, until she found a romantic movie, one of those every girls love.
“Seriously?City of Angels?”
“I love that movie”
She slipped her body and laid over my chest. Being so close to her made me crazy. I needed to control myself all the time not to hug her. When the movie ended, she raised her head to look into my eyes. She had teary eyes.
“Thanks for taking care of me today.”
“Whenever you need.” — She kept looking at me for some seconds before lying on my chest.
“Good night Daniel” — I kissed her hair, feeling the wonderful scent of it.
“Good night, love.”
It was past 3 a.m. when I finally fell asleep with the sound of her breath.
Elena
Iwoke up startled and did the same to Daniel. He sat beside me.
“What is it?”
My t-shirt was soaked and my hair all wet. I looked at the dark corner of the room for a while, I didn’t know where I was. He turned on the small lamp beside the bed and touched my arm, but I averted him. He wasn’t intimidated for it and carefully held my forearm.
“It’s ok.”
I stared at him astonished. I couldn’t believe that after all these years those nightmares were still so powerful. Maybe it was because I talked about their death today. A hiccup escaped from my mouth and Daniel hugged me firmly, holding me against his body while I cried wildly.
He didn’t say anything, just held me and caressed my hair with one hand. I got calmer and he moved away a bit, passing his hand over my face softly. He had his eyes fixed at me.
“What happened?”
“I had a nightmare” — My voice was trembling.
“What nightmare?” — He stopped caressing my face and held my hands between his.
“About my parents.”
“Do you want to talk about it?”
I didn’t like to talk about them. It was a very delicate subject and it always brought me pain and sadness. Although I spent years doing therapy sessions, I still wasn’t capable of talking about them and keep calm.
In the nightmares I didn’t have focus. They happened in different times of my childhood and didn’t have a logical sequence, but they always ended with my mother yelling at me while holding a long
rope.
“My father died in a car accident” — I looked down. — “I was with him” — Daniel held my chin and made me look at him when I lost my voice. I needed to take a deep breath before continuing. — “He had picked me up at a party at my best friend’s house. It was the gala dinner night at the yacht club, the most important event of the year for my mother.” — I smiled, remembering how she talked about that ball. — “She didn’t want me to go to the party, but I insisted and she gave up. My father left in the middle of the dinner to pick me up. It was raining a lot that night and he lost control. The car rolled and fell down in a shore.” — I remembered the moment I got in the car and my father smiled at me. This is the last memory I have from him. — “I can’t remember much. I woke up two days after it in a hospital and I had broken my right arm and two ribs. I had to wear a cervical collar because of a fifth vertebra injury and there were hematomas all over my body, especially on my face. ” — Tears rolled down my face again as I tried to keep on. — “It was my nanny, Adele who told me my father had died. She stayed at the hospital with me. When I came back home I found my mother sitting on the couch in front of the fireplace, wearing one of her pajamas. Her hair was a complete mess, what didn’t combine with her usual futility and elegancy. She’d never leave the room without make up on. I never really understood how their marriage worked. My father was her opposite, affectionate and gentle, while she was practical and cold, but they were truly happy, at least that is what I can remember. When I came into the room she didn’t even look at me, not even when I called her. I went closer to her and held her hand, but she sharply refused me and I got scared of the way she looked at me. She was colder and harder than usual… she said it was my fault. That was the last time she talked to me and the last I saw her. She spent the day inside her room, only my grandmother was allowed to come in. She didn’t even go to my father’s funeral. Six months later she hang herself. ” — Daniel held me affectionately, caressing my hair.
“I’m so sorry, Elena” — He held me softly, trying to make me calmer while I spoke about my mother.
The pain that all caused was unbearable. For my whole life and part of my childhood I believed my mother loved me, although in her wrong way of loving. Even though she never read a bedtime story to me, kissed me good night nor checked the monsters under my bed, I believed that, because that’s how it should be: mothers should love their children unconditionally, like an instinct. When she killed herself I realized she never really loved me. That would have been enough for her to keep on living.
“It’s not your fault. You know that, don’t you?” — I moved away to blow my nose in a soft way, with the back of my hand.
“I blamed myself for years and after a lot of therapy I accepted it was just a fatality. My grandmother helped me a lot and I sincerely don’t know what I would have done without her around. Until today I can’t overcome my mother’s scorn.
“She loved you, Elena. She just didn’t know how to show it.”
“Then why didn’t she stay with me?” — He opened his mouth as to answer, but stopped. I had asked myself this question a million times, but there wasn’t an answer.
“I don’t know, love” — He said after some moments while caressing my face. I felt extremely comfortable next to him.
“I don’t want to talk about it anymore” — I wiped the tears.
“It’s ok, come here” — He pulled me to bed and I lay on his chest again. The last thing I remember before falling asleep was the warmth of his arms. I loved that sensation.
* * *
On the next day I woke up feeling much better. Of course I had a Nutella croissant. Daniel thought we should travel to Milan on Thursday morning. He didn’t want to take the risk of something getting in his way to the meeting again.
“Will you stay locked in this room the entire day?” — I asked as soon as he opened the door.
“I need to update a few things for tomorrow’s meeting” — He already sat in front of the computer and didn’t bother to look at me. — “I ordered some food, if you want you can stay and eat with me.”
If you want…
What’s happening to him? He was like that since yesterday, distant, with constant changes of mood. All the way here and he didn’t open his mouth when I messed with him about the five-star hotel he just said I shouldn’t be so surprised.
“I’ll go out, the day is too beautiful to be locked in here” — I was opening the door when he grabbed my hand.
“I can’t leave now.”
“No problem, I’ll go alone.” — Did he try to say that I shouldn’t go because of him? I wouldn’t give him the chance of thinking I’d give up. — “Call me when you’re available, if you want.”
I didn’t change my voice, but my eyes were blurred when I said that. He took a deep breath.
“Take care” — He said gently and kissed my cheek, making me blush.
“Always” — I said before turning around and leaving to the streets of Milan.
* * *
“Hi” — I said to the shadow that grew over me while I took off my sunglasses. He was very handsome, wearing light blue jeans, white All Star sneakers and a dark blue sweatshirt that highlighted his eyes.He sat beside me and rubbed his eyes, seeming very tired, but I’m sure it was something else.
“Are you ok?” — I touched his arm.
“Just a little tired, I guess” — He wouldn’t say a thing if he didn’t want to, so I’d better not ask for a while. — “Were you here all day?”
“After stopping by at Duomo I walked the streets and took some pictures, visiting the castle museums” — I pointed to Castello Sforzescobehind me. — “It’s such a beautiful place, Daniel.” — He smiled and nodded. — “After arriving I walked through the gardens and sat under this tree to rest and read a little, but I think I fell asleep.” — He nodded again, but he wasn’t looking at me. He looked at the pack beside my bag.
“Don’t tell me this was your lunch?”
That’s it! The lecture about me eating better was about to start. I didn’t answer because I hadn’t eaten the Nutella and cream croissants I bought on the way here. I didn’t eat since breakfast, and it was…
“What time is it?” — I searched for my cell phone on my bag.
“Eight.”
I always do that. I was capable of spending an entire day without eating if I did something I really like, such as reading or taking pictures. I was so involved and amused by these places that I completely forgot to eat.
He got up and gave me his hand.
“Come, let’s have something decent to eat.”
I couldn’t help but smile.
“Are you laughing at me, Elena?”
“Oh, I wouldn’t dare.” — I answered grabbing my bag and holding his hand. He didn’t say anything, but besides his bad mood, I noticed a half-smile on his lips.
We took the subway to Navigli, and as we headed to the street I realized the cardigan I was wearing wouldn’t be enough to keep me warm. A cold wind crossed the station gate as we arrived on top and I had to protect myself. And we were in the middle of summer!
“Are you cold?”
I nodded.
“You should’ve brought a coat, it wasn’t so hot when you left the hotel.” — He was serious.
What was his problem? His humor oscillated a lot two days from now. In some moments he was kind and gentle and next he was serious and controlling. I didn’t like that Daniel. Or did I? I braced myself harder and looked at the floor. I didn’t know what to answer. Then he held me around the shoulders and brought me closer, trying to keep me warm.
“Better?” — He was kind, that would make me warm for the entire night.
“Yes, thanks” — He nodded softly, not looking at me.
The street was filled with restaurant
s, and although it was colder, many people walked near the waterway and the lamps were on, giving a romantic glow to the waters. I need to take some pictures before going away, I thought. There were bikes everywhere and some restaurants were already crowded. Most of them were tourists trying the Italian cuisine.
“Can I choose?” — I asked predicting his answer. He was the one to choose the restaurants and food. I was surprised when he agreed. I stopped in the middle of the street, looking for something besides pasta. I loved Italian cuisine, but I couldn’t take more cheese, wine and pasta. My body yearned for something more.
“Route 66!” — I pointed to the hamburger house across the street.
“No way!”
“You said I could choose!” — I opened my arms.
“But this isn’t food. It’s poison” — Somehow my grandmother teleported from North Carolina and was standing beside me.
“My God, how old are you?” — I laughed, but he was still serious.
“I’m not eating here.”
“Well then, see you at the hotel” — I turned around and crossed the street. I’ll have burgers, that’s it! I had the impression of hearing him cursing before gently holding my arm.
The decoration was typically American. The counter was high with red circled seats. Pictures of famous actors in the 50’s and 60’s were hung on the wall beside the door, and among them therewere Elvis Presley, Marilyn Monroe, and James Dean. I saw some pictures of the Beatles and Rolling Stones too.
A light blond man with barrel abs stamped pictures on the wall behind the counter. The pictures were from different American cities in different moments of his life, always with enormous burgers in front of him. I guess that explains the abs. Of course he was the owner.
