by C. M. Carpi
“You didn’t tell me this part.” — Daniel looked at me curious and smiled.
“I’ve been thinking about it for some time, but nothing decided yet.”
“It sounds great.” — John said. — “I have a friend who works as a broker. Perhaps he could help you finding something.” — He looked at Daniel and continued. — “Daniel, remind me of giving his card later.”
“Thanks, Mr. Marshall. I mean, John.”
“I need to finish cooking dinner.” — Daniel went to the kitchen.
“I help you.” — I was getting up to follow him when his father made a gesture telling me to sit again. He followed Daniel to the kitchen.
“You need to get used to it. They love cooking.” — Olivia sat beside me.
“Owen too?”
“No. Owen is more like me.” — She laughed. — “He is so happy.” — She talked about Daniel and I had the impression she had teary eyes, but I wasn’t sure. Why does everyone say this?
“They seem to get along really well.” — I changed the subject and pointed to John and Daniel, who were laughing in the kitchen.
“Oh, yes. They’re good friends.” — She looked at them and then turned to me. — “John is the best person I’ve ever known. He has the biggest heart in the world and Daniel is a lot like him, starting by the music he likes.”
“And his eyes.” — I said.
“Did you meet in Verona?”
“Yes. I literally bumped into him and ruined his new t-shirt.”
“He must have been in a terrible mood.”
“At first, yes.”
“That’s funny.” — She laughed and shook her head. — “He didn’t want to travel.” — I thought about the reasons and it gave me chills. — “And then he goes to Verona, meets you and it changes his life completely.” — I smiled at her and she held my hand. — “I thought I’d never have my son back again.”
“Dinner is ready!” — Daniel said from the kitchen and I felt glad he did it.
I didn’t like it when people spoke like that. Although they didn’t have the intention, I felt they were pushing me or making me responsible for something.
His father put the roasted beef on the table and a delicious smell invaded the room. My stomach was growling.
“When did you do all this?” — I asked.
“Susanne helped me. She spent the day here, but” — He pointed to the arugula and strawberries salad, a delicious combination that only he could do. Besidesthat, there were potatoes stained with greens. — “I did the rest.” — He looked proud when he said that. I kissed his face and he smiled.
“It smells great.” — I said.
We sat around the table and the conversation went on very naturally. His parents were very affectionate with him and they seemed truly happy for being there. For the first time in years, I could see what it was like being part of a family. I thought about my grandmother and how important she was to me and how much she still is, but I never had that. I also thought about everything Daniel and his family went thru during those years. They must have suffered a lot, but they’re still united like a real family.
“Can you imagine the mess? Two brothers dating two sisters.” — His father said and laughed as if it were a joke but I didn’t understand it because I was absorbed in my thoughts.
“What do you mean?” — I asked embarrassed and Daniel answered.
“My mother is aunt Ellis’s sister. Ellis’s is Scott and Lucy’s mother.
“And my brother Carl is married to her.” — His father continued. — “It was impossible to keep secrets.” — That explains why they’re so close. — “And these two together were…” — John blinked at Olivia, but she just rolled her eyes.
“Did you cook the desert too, honey?” — Olivia changed the subject. He said no. — “He doesn’t know how to cook sweets.” — She said to me in a whisper and smiled.
“He would be too perfect, wouldn’t he?” — I blinked and he smiled.
“Susanne did.” — He went to the fridge and came back with a pie. — “Her special recipe: red fruits cheesecake.” — I felt my mouth filling with water when I saw that perfectly made pie and the incredible red from the fruits over it.
Everything seemed perfect and it really was, but I couldn’t understand what bothered me.
* * *
“You looked distant during dinner.” — He said sitting beside me.
“Did you notice?”
He nodded. I thought I was good at simulating.
“Will you tell me why?”
“I don’t know exactly.” — I stopped talking and looked away. I continued like this for some minutes thinking if I should mention the subject or not. He was so happy. — “I thought it’s because of what your mother said.”
He looked concerned and I started to feel like a fool for saying this, but I wasn’t capable of controlling the words. I held his hand and kissed it gently.
“Since we are together your whole family seemto believe I’m responsible for your changing.”
He didn’t say anything, just nodded. He knew what I was talking about.
“I can’t be this person, Daniel.”
“What do you mean?”
“I can’t be the one responsible for your sanity and happiness. It’s too much responsibility.”
“But you are.” — I was glad for hearing this, but that didn’t care. He needed to understand my point of view.
“I love you, Daniel” — I held his face between my hands. — “With all my heart.” — He opened his mouth to say something but closed it as I continued. — “But you need to be the one to do that.”
“I know.” — He looked down and lowered his voice.
“Do you?” — I asked as he looked at me again. — “You know I’m not your salvation. I can’t be that.”
He got up and went to the veranda. He leaned on the bars and looked at the central Park for a long time. I left him alone to think. When he looked at me he seemed calmer.
“You know what’s happening between us is new to me.” — I nodded. — “My relationships normally last less than two days and with Anna…” — He stopped to think. — “With Anna it was completely different. I’ve never felt for anyone what I feel for you.” — I felt my heart stopping for a moment. He sat beside me again and grabbed my hand. — “I felt lost for a long time. After the accident I didn’t know what to do. I lost my ground.”
“Then you started drinking.” — I answered and he nodded. — “Are you an alcoholic?” — He frowned and I shrugged.
“No, I’m not an alcoholic.”
“Did you do drugs?”
“Why are you asking me that?”
“Because I want to know what I’m getting into.” — He assented with a serious expression, like he felt uncomfortable with the conversation.
“Does the marijuana in college count?” — I smiled and he gave me his half smile, making me forget everything else. How did he do it?
“No. Marijuana at college is understandable.” — I said when I remembered I’ve tried this with Jess and Adam on my first year at Duke and I remember I hated the experience. He was serious as he continued.
“I’ve never done anything besides Marijuana and that was a long time ago, but I got close.” — He got up again and pressed his nose while his eyes continued closed. He turned to look at me and said in a whisper. — “If not for them, for all of them, I honestly don’t know what I could have done or where I’d be now.” — I got up and put my hands on his face. He closed his eyes again and felt my touch. — “Elena...” — He put his hands on my neck. I loved it when he touched me like that. — “I’ve hurt all of them a lot and they never gave up on me.” — His strong arms embraced my body. — “But you are the one
who really did it.”
“Daniel…” — I moved back to look at him.
“Shish…” — He kissed me gently. — “I was serious when I said I can’t think of a life without you.
“I know.” — And he wasn’t capable of knowing how happy I was for that. — “I feel the same.” — He kissed my nose and his hot breath touched my skin making me chill.
I put my arms around his waist and lay my head on his chest while feeling his perfume and his warmth. His hands caressed my back and gave me a great feeling of happiness.
“Can I ask you something?” — I asked after a long time while moving him back to see his face.
“You can ask me anything.” — He frowned when he said that.
“I want you to go back to therapy.” — He gave me an ironic smile and let go of me until he finally turned his back. He went to the veranda.
I went closer to him and stood beside him in silence. I’m not sure how long it lasted, but I’d better not push him. When I touched his hand, he seemed out of a trance.
“I can’t do this, Elena.” — He finally answered lowering his voice and closing his eyes.
“Why?”
“Because I’d have to talk about the accident. I’d have to live thru this all over again and that’s too hard.” — He turned to face me. – “I’ve tried and didn’t work out, I left the sessions feeling worse than when I got there.” — I nodded. I went through this many times having sessions once a week since I was twelve until I was twenty-two. I still don’t know how I could go on for so long and I couldn’t use everything I’ve learned.
“Can you promise you’ll at least think about it?”
He reluctantly closed his eyes until he got tired.
“I do.”
* * *
The following weeks were agitated. I bought the furniture for my new house and most of the place was antiques. A canopy bed from last century became my favorite place in that house and Daniel felt the same. I need to say we couldn’t be apart. Whether I was in his house or he was at mine, it was like a magnet.
One of the rooms was made into a dark room to reveal my photos. I put a lot of them around the house. The walls were painted in light yellow because I was sick of that white place. I left the bricks to show behind the brown leather couch Daniel gave me and hanged my black and white pictures on that wall, most of them of the trip. I reformed the fridge, and bought a TV that I never turned on. I put my piano on a corner in the living room and I played it every day to push away the anger. Although I denied it, I still felt hurt by what my mother did to me.
When autumn arrived, my house was ready and I was very proud because I did it on my own. That was my first job as an architect.
Daniel
“You woke up early.” — She wore my old Harvard t-shirt, her hair was pulled up and her neck was completely exposed. — “Good morning, love.” — I embraced her and she turned to face me. — “What are you doing?”
“Pancakes.” —She was tiptoe to kiss my chin. — “I wanted to bring you breakfast in bed, but you ruined the surprise.” — She pouted as if she were disappointed.
“It’s not the breakfast I want to eat in bed.” — I moved my body close to hers and her eyes opened wide.
“You’re too romantic.” — She rolled her eyes and had a playful smile on her face.
“I’m a man of many talents, Elena.” — I ran my hand through her thigh and started pulling her t-shirt up. — “Let’s go back to bed, huh?” — I said with my mouth on her neck, kissing every centimeter. – “Shall we?”
“The pancakes.” — She started, but when I bit her ear she just moaned and let the spatula on the counter.
“Or we could stay here.” — I said against her lips. She didn’t answer, just put her arms around my neck and jumped on me while putting her legs around my hips.
We went back to the room and didn’t leave all morning.
* * *
“Are you going to cook us something?” — She asked while coming in the kitchen after me.
“I thought you were going to prepare some pancakes.”
“You had your chance.” — She got off the bench and walked to the room while saying. — “I’ll get my coat and we’ll go out”.
I nodded and smiled. I was going after her when my cell phone rang. Shit!
Elena
He sat on the couch and looked down while looking at the cell phone.
“Daniel?” — He didn’t look at me. I threw my coat on the couch and kneeled before him. — “What happened?”
“I need to speak with her…” — His voice choked.
I assented and tried to stay calm, but I needed to sit on the ground. Suddenly I felt too heavy. I knew he had to end this and she needed to know what was happening between us, but just thought that he would be face to face with her made me feel totally insecure for him. I was afraid of how he’d react. He didn’t get over it and I’m not sure he will.
“It’s ok.” — I said getting on my knees again. I held his face between my hands and kissed his forehead, his nose and his mouth. — “I’ll be here, waiting for you.” — A half smile came out of his mouth before he kissed me back. — “I love you, Daniel.”
He embraced me and we stayed like that for some time. He grabbed the keys and left without saying a word.
* * *
I didn’t want to call him, but I was beginning to worry. He was gone for more than five hours. I looked at my cell phone again. Nothing. No message, no missed calls. I went back to the kitchen and opened the fridge, but I didn’t find anything good. I prepared some tea, but it was too bitter.
I grabbed my cell phone to call Owen or Sophie but I didn’t want to look desperate. Should I? I was really scared of what this meeting could do to him.
I couldn’t sit around and wait. I had gone to his office and cleaned everything. I even organized his archives by date. I prayed he wouldn’t be mad because I touched his personal archives. I organized the books on the shelves in alphabetical order and messed them up just to organize them all overagain. I made his bed and unmade it right away to lay with my MacBook and search for something entertaining. I organized all his clothes by color and did the same with his socks. I started playing the piano but I couldn’t finish the songs
It was already midnight when I lay on the couch in the living room and fell asleep watching an old episode of Friends.
I woke up with the noise of his keys being thrown on the counter. I didn’t see what time it was. I put the blanket over me and walked to the hallway. The apartment was completely dark, but the lights coming through the windows helped me. He leaned on the counter with his head down and his hands over it, looking heartbreaking. I hesitated for a second.
His eyes found me. I opened my mouth to ask if everything was ok, but he was already kissing me and holding my face while his tongue invaded my mouth in suffering.
“Elena.” — His voice was strange and his breath tasted like whisky. He drank, but why? Where was he?
He pulled me over the wall and pressed his hips against mine.
“Daniel, talk to me.” — I said against his mouth, but he didn’t seem to listen. His mouth yearned for mine. His beard gave me chills. He let go of my face just to open his pants while I took off my shorts and my panties and threw them away while trying to get rid of the top of my pajamas, but he didn’t let me do it.
“I need you, Elena.” — He said breathless and almost desperate.
“I’m here.” — I held his face and forced him to look at me.
His hands went down my hips and he picked me up while I put my legs around his hips. He went inside me very fast and moaned with his mouth against my neck. No foreplay. We had never done this before. The rhythm was frantic. His breath was heavy and his need to be with me made me forget why
I worried so much. I pulled his hair and let the desire and passion rule over me. My blood was burning through my veins.
“Look at me, love.” — It sounded like a prayer in his mouth. His blue eyes were dark and the house was invaded by intense noises. — “I want to look at you, Elena.” — His voice choked and a rapturous orgasm made me scream while my body was taken far away. His body convulsed when he reached the climax, calling my name and pressing my body in despair.
“Are you okay?” — We lay on the hallway floor with the blanket over us. Our legs coiled and I laid my head on his chest. He caressed my back gently going up and down.
He took a deep breath and I raised my head to look at him. He stared at the ceiling and pressed my mouth. I touched his chest with my fingertips and caressed him. It took some time until he started talking.
“I knew the conversation wouldn’t be easy, but the things she said…” — He stopped and rubbed his nose. — “She was devastated.” — He sat, and rest his back on the wall. I sat before him and crossed my legs. — “She’ll never forgive me for what happened, Elena.”
I touched his face with both hands.
“Will you tell me?” — He gave me a sad smile and it broke my heart. He nodded.
“Not today.” — He pulled me close and kept me between his legs. My back touched his chest and he embraced me.
“Were you there all this time?” — He kissed my hair.
“You can’t wait, can you?”
“No.” — I shrugged.
“I was with Owen and my father. I didn’t stay with Anna for more than one hour. After she tried to throw a vase on my head, aunt Sue decided I’d better leave.”
