by C. M. Carpi
I couldn’t say how he felt now, but I felt very confused.
He sat beside me with the same lost look. He didn’t seem drunk, but I know he must have drunk all night.
“Where were you?”
“I needed to be alone.” — He looked at me with a sad smile. — “to think about everything that happened.”
I assented as he looked down and ran his hands on his hair.
“I need to speak with you, Elena.” — He said in an anguished voice. I hated that sentence. It always indicated that something bad had happened and today, that wouldn’t be different.
I didn’t answer. He stared at me for some time before starting.
“What happened yesterday…” — He stopped and closed his eyes, as he tried to erase the images. — “My God, if something worse happened to you I…”
“It didn’t” — I kissed his hand. — “I am okay.”
He pulled his hand and faced me. I realized what he was trying to say.
“That is my fault.”
“No…”
“Let me finish, please!” — He said louder. Tears rolled down my face and I felt the pain in his eyes when he continued. — “I can’t do that anymore.”
“What?” — I asked in a whisper. He didn’t look at me. It seemed he didn’t have the courage. — “Are you breaking up with me?” — He continued looking down. — “Are you, Daniel?” — I asked again and my voice choked. I couldn’t believe it.
“I need to, Elena.”
“No, you don’t” — My voice choked again. I needed to keep calm. Breathe! Slowly! — “I know what you’re doing. You want this to be your fault as well, Daniel. Why do you keep doing this to yourself? To me?” — I tried to be calm. — “This is not your fault!”
“Of course it is.”
“No, it’s not!” — He didn’t listen to me. — “After everything that happened between us you will break up with me like that. Daniel, you love me, right? We’re going to Paris next week…”
“Stop it!” — He interrupted me and altered. — “Don’t make it more difficult, please!”
“Is that what you want?”
“Elena…”
“Is it? Answer me!” — I shouted. He didn’t answer, but he cried and held my hand.
“I’m sorry.”
“Sorry for what? For breaking my heart?” — I let out all the pain and anger I felt and they took control. — “You don’t have any idea…” — I stopped the sentence. This wasn’t the right time. Nothing would change his mind and he was certain. – “You are not sorry, Daniel!” — I pulled my hand. — “Was the time we spent together entertaining for you?”
“Don’t do that.” — He held my face with both hands.
“Don’t. Touch. Me!” — I said harshly as I got up without paying attention to the stitches on my thigh. I leaned on the couch and took a deep breath as the pain passed. He got up with me and stood beside me, but he didn’t touch me. I walked to the door and opened it.
“You can leave now.”
“I didn’t want things to be like that.”
“Yes, you did.” — I said emotionless and wiped the tears from my face.
He grabbed his couch and stood in front of me.
“You know it wasn’t just for fun. I really love you, but you need…”
“What difference does it make?” — I looked inside his eyes.
He didn’t answer, but I could see the pain on his face. He was suffering. He looked down and went downstairs, but he stopped with his hands inside his pocket as he waited for me to say something. He chose that. He must suffer alone. I knocked the door and lay on the couch. I cried deeply and left my moans break the silence of that cold Sunday night.
He left me.
Daniel
I didn’t immediately know where I was when I first woke up. It took me some time to realize I was in my room. I couldn’t remember much after I left Elena. In fact, I didn’t remember anything. I felt had been run over by a tractor. I grabbed my cell phone and noticed it was Monday, 2 p.m.
An empty bottle of whisky was on the floor beside the bed. The shower was on and there were women clothes all over the floor. Shit! What did I do? I sat at the table and I couldn’t believe what was happening. I tried to think of a way to fix things. It all happened too fast.
Elena opened the door and stared at me not believing what was happening. She looked at the clothes on the floor and to me again. She opened her mouth to say something, but she closed it when a tall blond woman left the toilet wrapped in a towel. Once more, I didn’t know her name. Elena didn’t say anything.She just left slamming the door.
I would feel much better if a tractor had run over me.
“Who is she?” — The blond woman asked lying on the bed.
“Grab your things and get the hell out of here! Now!” — I said leaving the room and dressing my trousers on the way. I needed to talk to her. How could I do that? She was in the living room when I held her arm and pulled her inside the office.
“Let me go, Daniel!” — She tried to release from me.
“No! Elena, listen to me, please!”
“I don’t want to hear anything!” — She covered her ears and I could feel her body shaking. I held her arms until she stopped and the tears rolled down her face. She cried loudly, filled with pain. — “Why did you do that to us?” — She said sobbing. — “Why is there a woman in your room, Daniel?” — She let go of me and moved away, using her coat to wipe the tears. — “Is that why you broke up with me?” — Her voice choked.
“No…” — I moved in her direction but she moved away, raising her hands to stop me from keep going.
“Why, then?”
“I needed to. But this...? That woman... Why are you here, Elena?”
“I needed to tell you that…” — She stopped.
“What?”
She took a deep breath and nodded.
“Never mind.” — She turned her back to me. I held her arm and forced her to look at me.
“Love, wait.”
“Don’t call me love!”
“I’m sorry, Elena.” — She moved harshly. — “Please, forgive me!”
“Forgive you? For what? For breaking up with me or for sleeping with the first woman you saw?”
I opened my mouth, but she started yelling.
“No! No! I can’t forgive you for what you’ve done!” — She covered her face and started crying uncontrolled again. It was unbearable to see her like that. I wanted to kiss her or hold her, to make the pain go away. — “Do you have any idea of how I felt after you broke up with me? And after all that happened? You didn’t think about me, you never thought about how you hurt me… you don’t…” — I moved to her direction again, but she moved back. – “Are you capable of imagining how I’m feeling now?” – She shook her head as if she couldn’t believe what was happening. When she looked at me again I saw what I had done. She would never forgive me. — “You’re a coward, Daniel.” — Her voice was too low.
“Elena, please…”
“I hate you!”
“No… let me explain.”
“You don’t need to. I understand everything now.”
“No, I need you to listen to me. I…”
“No, Daniel! I will never look at you or hear your voice again. I don’t want to see you again!” — She took a deep breath and continued. — “Never again!”
I felt the tears on my face and the despair taking control when I realized what I had done. There was no turning back this time.
“Elena. Please, don’t do that to me.”
“You did that, Daniel.” — She said harshly and left without looking back.
I fell on the floor and cried. Desperate and alone.
Elena
I had to get away from that place. If I stood with him I’d tell everything, but after that he didn’t deserve to know. He didn’t deserve anything. I was so innocent to think I’d make him change his mind. I walked to the elevator feeling my body heavier. The pain in my leg was terrible. I felt angry for this pain and for all I went through for him.
It was not his fault, Elena. Don’t blame him.
I walked into the elevator. I needed to lean on something while I tried to keep calm vainly. My tears rolled down uncontrolled. When the doors opened, I took a deep breath and wiped the tears while reaching the door.
“What happened, Ms. Collins? Are you hurt?”
Damn! George! Where did he come from? I looked at him to say I was okay, but I started crying again. I had to hold on the counter not to fall on the floor.
“My God, Ms. Collins. Come here!” — He held my arm and sat me on his chair. I don’t know for how long I cried while he comforted me.
“I’m… I’m sorry, George. I don’t...”
“It’s okay, dear. I don’t know what’s happening, but you’re going to be okay.” — He handed me a tissue. I wish he were right.
“Can you do me a favor?” — I said while sobbing.
“Sure, my dear. What do you need?” — I opened my purse to grab the garage control and handed to him.
“Can you give this to Daniel?”
“Yes, I can.”
“Thanks, George.” — I got up and walked to the entrance.
“Do you want me to tell him anything?” — I stopped for a moment, thinking about the words. I looked at him and took a deep breath.
“Yes, I do.” — He looked carefully as I continued. — “Tell him to go to hell.” — His eyes widened, but he didn’t say anything.
I turned my back and walked to the car I had parked near the entrance. I don’t believe this ended like that. How could he do that? How could he hurt me like that? I hit the steering wheel repeatedly and cried again. The baby shoes I bought were on the passenger’s seat. What am I going to do now?
I ignored the pain on my leg, started the car and left. That wasn’t important now.
Nothing was important now.
Thanks
I could write a whole book of thanks and I do not know if it would be enough yet.
Many people took part in this project from the beginning, since when it was just a dream and some were very special in many ways.
Jessica, what could I say about you? I have no words to thank all the encouragement, work and attention that you had from the beginning. I’m sure this book would not exist without you. You have done much more than you should have.
Cleo, I’m sorry for all the messages through social networks and for that multitude of passages in the middle of the night. Sometimes, I could not control myself.
Marcia, thanks for the constant support throughout the process and preparation of this story. Thanks for the PDF (I’m sure you’ll understand). I’m sure I made you all mad while I was being mad. Thank you very very very much.
Cassius, I have no words to say how grateful I am. You were undoubtedly the great supporter of this dream, even without knowing it.
Kelli, Rachel Inamaia and Renata - “The little girls” - thank you for following all of it even if not so close and cheer for me, always.
Marcelo, Thayná and Mark, what an incredible partnership! Thank you for taking part in this challenge.
Ase Editorial, no words. Thank you for your attention and work. It’s perfect!
Michele Saqui, thank you for your patience during the translation process, this step would not be possible without your help!
A special thanks to Tatiana Ruiz, the special friend Daniel and Elena gave me as a gift.
Thank you to all my readers! You are part of this dream.I love you all!
C. M. Carpi
Instagram: @cmcarpi
Twitter: @cmcarpi
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