by Paul Gamble
The last creature into the gallery was possibly the most disturbing of all. Although it looked the most humanoid, it had been crossed with a lizard or a snake. Walking upright with two arms and two legs, its body was covered in dark green scales that seemed to ooze some kind of oily black fluid, but that wasn’t what made it look so disturbing. It was the eyes, the human eyes in the flat, featureless face. Its head was smooth with no ears or nose. Instead of a nose it had two small black nostrils and its mouth was a horizontal, lipless slash.
Jack gulped. He literally gulped. He’d read about people gulping when afraid but it had never actually happened to him. So that gulping-when-terrified thing does actually happen, then, he thought. That’s an interesting fact to find out. Although its level of interestingness51 didn’t really outweigh the fact that in order to learn this he had to be put in a horrific and life-threatening situation.
The six man-beasts lined up beside the old woman. “You see, I really am nothing more than an old woman. But I am an old woman who works for Chapeau Noir Enterprises. And Mr. Teach has a lot of people and … creatures who work for him. You’d be surprised how many strange creatures you can get an evil scientist52 to make for you when you have a few chests full of gold to throw at him.”
Jack turned to Trudy. “Have you ever come across this situation before?”
“Jack, I’ve only been a Ministry agent for a few months longer than you have.”
“Right, so you haven’t come up against weird man-creatures that want to kill you. Nice to know that this is a first for both of us. So what do we do?”
“Fight.”
Secretly Jack had been hoping that Trudy would say “run away.” But if she was ready to fight, he wasn’t going to leave her by herself. “Succinct and to the point, Trudy. I like it. I suppose now is the time to use The Speed.”
Trudy nodded. “Yeah, if you don’t use it now, you’ll probably never get the opportunity to use it again.”
“Thanks for the inspiration.”
Trudy bunched her fists and moved toward the man-beasts. The two man-dogs leapt toward her. Trudy blurred into action, skidding feet-first under the man-dogs. She lashed out a hand, grabbed one by the tail, and swung it into the other. They smashed together and fell crumpled to the ground. Trudy jumped up and ran toward the snake creature.
The bluebottles started moving toward Trudy. Jack had to stop them. He felt a brief flash of guilt for not having gotten involved more quickly. What would have happened if Trudy had gotten hurt or even killed? The thought made him feel like a concrete block had been dropped through the bottom of his stomach. It was exactly the kind of negative emotion he needed for The Speed to kick in.
Jack ran over and stood between Trudy and the bluebottles. He felt as though he should say something clever and intimidating like an action hero in the movies.
“I am going to give you such a slap.”
It wasn’t a great line. Jack thought that action heroes probably prepared lines beforehand for this kind of situation. He decided to work on some later, assuming he wasn’t dead, of course.
A bluebottle whipped out a black pincer at him, and he dodged, bending backward. The second bluebottle dived at his legs. Using The Speed, Jack jumped and put a foot square on the bluebottle’s back. He launched himself into the air and kicked the third bluebottle in the face. The third bluebottle went tumbling to the ground as Jack landed awkwardly beside it. The Speed made him faster, but not any more agile.
The second bluebottle tried to grab Jack with its pincers. Jack dodged under the pincer, grabbed the creature’s wrist, and spun it in a circle. He put a foot against the wall and kicked himself into an attempted backward somersault. He had planned to land elegantly on his feet, but underestimated the distance and instead smashed awkwardly down on top of a bluebottle, causing it to stumble sideways.
Jack scrambled to his feet and glanced over to see how Trudy was doing. The man-dogs and snake-creature kept trying to grab her, but every time they looked as though they would get ahold of her she cracked two or three punches into their bodies before dodging out of the way.
“Everything going well?” he called over to her.
“Brilliant! How about you?”
“Better than average, I’d say.”
Two of the bluebottles were moving toward Jack. He held up his fists and pretended to be brave. In reality he was savoring the momentary respite. Unfortunately, the two bluebottles weren’t really trying to attack Jack. They were just distracting him from what the third bluebottle was doing. Jack felt a slamming impact in the center of his back. The bluebottle had run at him at full speed and then leapt, using its wings for momentum. The impact carried Jack into the air for ten feet, and the bluebottle who had hit him was along for the ride, clinging and scratching his body.
For a few seconds Jack felt as if he would be flying through the air forever. Feeling like flying wasn’t entirely unpleasant and was certainly a lot better than the feeling that replaced it—the feeling of crashing into the double doors.
Jack felt like he had broken a few bones and the door was partly off its hinges. The bluebottle leapt up, grabbed a vase from a nearby plinth, and threw it at Jack’s head. It exploded on the wall, showering Jack with pottery fragments.
Jack scrambled to his feet and ran out the doorway. He was now standing on a balcony overlooking the entrance hall. There was a sheer drop of thirty feet to the ground.
The bluebottle dived at Jack, trying to knock him over the balcony. Just as the bluebottle was about to hit him, Jack used The Speed and grabbed both of the bluebottle’s wrists. Jack rolled onto his back, pulling the bluebottle’s hands with him. A final kick propelled the creature over the balcony.
The museum had been hosting a dinosaur exhibition recently, and the bluebottle crashed into a large fiberglass model pterodactyl hanging from the ceiling. The bluebottle got caught in the metal wires that attached the model to the ceiling. The more the bluebottle struggled, the more it became entangled. Suddenly its thrashing caused the wires to snap. The ruined model, the bluebottle, and some plaster from the ceiling dropped to the floor and smashed to smithereens. Jack looked over the balcony. The bluebottle twitched a few times and then lay still. “That’s one down.”
Jack ran back through the doorway back into the gallery. Trudy was lying on the floor unconscious and the old lady was fastening her wrists with plastic ties. One of the man-dogs was slumped against the wall and the other lay spread-eagled and motionless in the middle of the floor. Trudy must have knocked them out before she was captured.
Whatever confidence Jack had felt after beating the bluebottle left his body. If Trudy hadn’t been able to handle the remaining creatures, how would he? She was ten times more skilled and experienced than he was.
“Come back for more?” the old lady sneered at him.
Jack couldn’t leave Trudy, but at the same time it wouldn’t do her any good if he got himself caught.
Then he had an idea. The museum had lots of old stuff in it, including medieval weaponry. Maybe he couldn’t defeat these creatures with his bare hands. But if he could find a sword or an ax … With that kind of weapon and The Speed he would be unstoppable.
“Back in a minute,” said Jack as he ran back out the double doors.
* * *
MINISTRY OF S.U.I.T.S HANDBOOK
SNAKES
HEARING DIFFICULTIES
Snakes don’t have ears and therefore can’t hear. They can sense vibrations, but that isn’t really the same thing. Some scientists claim that it is, but it’s about as similar as sitting on a washing machine during the spin cycle would be to listening to a world-class philharmonic orchestra.
People often claim that rattlesnakes use their rattle to scare people off. However, the fact that snakes can’t hear clearly means that they have no idea that they’re even doing it.
This was proven by a Ministry scientist years ago, who managed to use a thought-transference device to speak to a r
attlesnake. Although the snake could not actually use words, computer software interpreted its thoughts so that they could be relayed through a computer screen:
Scientist: SO WHEN YOU RATTLE YOUR TAIL, YOU’RE TRYING TO SCARE PEOPLE OFF?
Snake: WHAT?
Scientist: IF YOU SEE A HUMAN OR SOMETHING, YOU GET AGGRESSIVE AND RATTLE YOUR TAIL TO THREATEN THEM.
Snake: MY TAIL RATTLES? I NEVER KNEW THAT. THAT’S A BIT ODD. I WONDER WHY IT DOES THAT?
Scientist: BUT THEN WHY DO YOU SHAKE IT WHEN A HUMAN FINDS YOU?
Snake: I DON’T DO IT DELIBERATELY. I’M JUST SCARED OF HUMANS. SO WHEN I SEE ONE I START TO SHIVER AND TREMBLE. THAT’S PROBABLY WHAT CAUSES THE RATTLING SOUND. IT’S ALL BEEN A BIT OF A MISUNDERSTANDING.
Scientist: YES. JUST OUT OF INTEREST, WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED OF HUMANS?
Snake: BECAUSE THEY KILLED ALL THE REST OF MY FAMILY AND TURNED THEM INTO SHOES AND HANDBAGS.
Scientist: ACTUALLY, NOW THAT YOU SAY THAT, I COULD DO WITH A NEW PAIR OF LOAFERS.
The scientist who invented the system for interpreting animals’ thoughts as words was clearly a genius. Although it is interesting to note that although he had an IQ of over 200, he still hadn’t figured out how to switch off the caps lock function on his keyboard.
Unfortunately the technology to speak to animals no longer exists. This is made worse by the fact that the scientist who created it is no longer around to reinvent it. Shortly after finishing the above conversation he died of sixteen snakebites to the face.
* * *
28
RUN!
Jack sprinted out onto the balcony, which led to more doors and more corridors. He was hoping to find the historical weapons section. He wasn’t too worried about the creatures following him. They were quick, but not quick enough to catch him as long as he was using The Speed.
Running through the first door he reached, Jack found himself standing in a room that was full of rocks, fossils, and stones. It was enormously disappointing. Apart from anything else he thought that rocks and stones were stupid things to have in a museum. The cards underneath the pieces of stone claimed they were very old stone. But of course they were! All stone was very old, as old as the earth itself. It made sense—after all, no one was making new rocks or stones.53 So, therefore, they were all the same age as the Earth was when it was made.
Jack thought back to Monday, when he had been in the museum. He knew that while wandering around he had seen a collection of swords and daggers. But where had they been? The problem with museums was that they were incredibly confusing places. Normally when you were thinking of directions there were street names and buildings to help you. It was much harder orienting yourself when you were surrounded by dozens of strange and exotic objects from a variety of time periods.
He knew that to get to the weapons he had to first go past the silver shrine of St. Patrick’s hand—but then did he turn right or left at the Fairy Fountain?
Jack wished he’d paid more attention during previous school visits to the museum instead of spending almost all his time in the museum store trying to figure out which plastic dinosaur he would buy.54 If only he’d paid more attention he would have known where the weapons were kept in the museum.
Jack ran onward to a door marked “Living World.” But, yet again, he found no weapons. Just stuffed animals.
For a minute he considered the damage he could do to the snake-creature if he hit it with a stuffed weasel. He thought that although it would be funny, it was unlikely to knock the snake unconscious.
Jack looked around for the next door and his heart sank when he realized that this room was a dead end. He turned toward the door he had come in, but it was too late. The creatures had just entered.
Jack raised his fists and took up a fighting stance. The creatures fanned out from the door. They were taking no chances this time. One bluebottle approached him from the right, one from the left, and the snake-creature came straight ahead.
Jack blurred into action, his foot connecting with the snake-creature’s groin, and at the same time he smacked one of the bluebottles with a fist.
The remaining bluebottle cracked a pincer into his face, making him stumble backward and fall. The blow had caught him just above the eye and Jack could feel it stinging. Blood streamed down his face, blurring his vision.
The three creatures crowded around him. One kicked his leg and Jack twisted in pain. He scrabbled backward on his hands and feet until he bumped into something. He turned his head to see that his escape was blocked by an enormous stuffed polar bear. The bluebottles and the snake-creature advanced on Jack. They stretched out their arms, ready to tear him apart.
Jack was without hope. But seconds before the creatures laid their claws on him, he had an idea. Potentially the best idea he had ever had.
* * *
MINISTRY OF S.U.I.T.S HANDBOOK
FOSSILS
EFFECT ON LASAGNA
Fossils are created when many layers of rocks are placed over objects. If enough layers of rock press down on an object, it will eventually turn into a fossil fuel.
Applying this geological knowledge to the realm of culinary arts, this explains why you should never make a lasagna with more than six layers of pasta. If you do, there is a grave risk that the bottom layer of beef will spontaneously transmute into coal.
* * *
29
KILLING WITH HIS BEAR HANDS
Jack remembered that the polar bear behind him wasn’t stuffed at all. All the animals in the museum were actually live animals who had been told they were playing musical statues. That was why there was no background music in museums.
He looked above him and saw the massive polar bear. Then he looked in front of him and saw three horrible, hybrid creatures closing in on him. The snake-creature hissed and a forked tongue flicked out of its mouth.
Jack had one chance, but it involved him doing something he really didn’t like doing: singing in public.
Jack actually had quite a nice voice, but that was what made it worse. At every opportunity his mother would tell people what a great singer Jack was. She would then proceed to nag, poke, and prod him until he agreed to sing a few verses for whoever happened to be in the vicinity. It was excruciatingly embarrassing, and Jack had sworn to himself that if he ever found he had any other talents, he would carefully conceal them from his mother in case she started making him juggle or stilt-walk every time they went to the supermarket.
Jack started singing. He chose one of the songs that his father used to play at Christmas. He started patting the floor to get a rhythm going for himself.
“I ain’t got nobody…”
The creatures stopped. They were curious as to why Jack would start singing. Didn’t he realize how much danger he was in?
Of course Jack realized exactly how much danger he was in—that’s why he was singing. “And nobody cares for me…”
At that moment Jack felt a large globule of drool fall onto the top of his head. Because the polar bear could hear music, it stopped playing musical statues and started moving. It had been standing still all day, so it reared up to stretch its back muscles. Jack rolled backward through the bear’s legs and curled himself up behind it. There was now a nine-hundred-pound polar bear between him and the three creatures. The obstacle of the bear made Jack feel safe. It was like when he had been younger and he had worried there had been monsters in his bedroom. He had felt safer by pulling the covers over his head. For some reason he had always felt that even if there had been a werewolf attacking him, it would have never managed to claw its way through a warm, snuggly duvet.55
A polar bear makes a very effective duvet. Potentially it would have a tog rating of over fifteen.
Jack was still singing, hoping he could remember all the words. The bear had stopped stretching and was looking around the room. The three hybrid creatures stood in front of it. Although the creatures were grotesque and violent, they weren’t desperately bright. They were
still going to try and attack Jack. That meant they would have to attack the polar bear first. Given that the bear was nearly ten feet tall when standing on its back legs Jack really didn’t fancy their chances.
One of the bluebottles advanced first, and it was met with the swipe of an enormous, shaggy paw. The blow contacted the side of the creature’s head, but had an effect on its entire body. The bluebottle lifted off the ground, flew sideways through the air, and crashed into a wall where it crumpled and fell to the ground.
Jack watched with satisfaction and continued singing.
That’s why I’m so sad and lonely, baby,
Won’t somebody take a chance with me.
Jack knew that he had to keep singing so that the polar bear did not go back to playing musical statues. And so he moved seamlessly from verse to chorus.
In the next two minutes Jack found it hard to continue singing. Even though the hybrid creatures had been trying to kill him, it was difficult not to feel sympathy for anything that was being so comprehensively mauled by a polar bear. Occasionally when the bear did something particularly unpleasant Jack found himself wincing and hitting the wrong note.
At the same time, it was marvelous to feel safe and watch his enemies being destroyed. Jack managed to find enough joy in this to cause him to waltz around the fight between the polar bear and the creatures.
’Cause I sing sweet love songs
