“You will be amply rewarded,” said Grimwood. “With the hand of our son in marriage.”
“Don’t you mean your daughter?”
“We don’t have a daughter.”
“Doesn’t sound like much of a reward to me.”
“You’ll also get half the dragon’s treasure.”
Hal knew the most important part of having a treasure was staying alive to spend it. “What if I refuse?”
“It is important that you perform your civic duty.”
“In other words, I get beheaded.”
The king nodded. “With an especially dull axe.” He headed for the door. “Now, off to the castle.”
“Why don’t you go on ahead?” Hal said, thinking of where he had put his bags. “I’ll meet you there tomorrow.”
The king stopped briefly. “Very well,” he said. “Of course, we will be leaving several of our soldiers surrounding the house. If they catch you sneaking away, the only difference between you and a pig on a spit is that you won’t have an apple in your mouth.”
“Oh, I have an apple,” said Runge.
“We trust you understand,” said the king.
“Perfectly,” said Hal. “You’ve hired yourself a dragon slayer.”
“HERE IT IS,” said Runge with an air of reverence. “The armory of the Dragon Slayer’s Guild.”
The armory was what most people would call an attic, home to bats and spiders and little else. As for the weapons…
“Why do they all look singed?” Hal asked.
“Not all of them. Most of the metal ones are melted. Now, this,” said Runge, holding up a crossbow, “is the Arbalest of Doom. It can shoot a bolt three hundred paces into dragon scales five inches thick.”
Hal tried to lift it, but it weighed as much as a small cow. “Why is it called the Arbalest of Doom?”
“Turns out, a dragon’s scales are nine inches thick. Ethelred the Unlucky was very surprised to find that out.”
“Oh, I bet,” Hal said. “Have any of these weapons ever killed a dragon?”
Runge gestured toward one side of the attic. “Here is the wall of swords.”
“Wall of swords? I see only one.”
“I sold the others. Cobbling isn’t the most lucrative of trades.”
At least the sword looks impressive, Hal thought. It was encrusted with rubies and emeralds and an occasional diamond to keep them company, the appearance only marred by an equally thick encrustation of bat guano.
“But this is all you’ll really need,” said Runge. He held one of his wooden boxes. It was fitted with two straps.
“One of those computer things of yours?” Hal asked.
Runge ran behind Hal and strapped the thing to his back. “It will come in handy.”
“Handy? How?”
“To kill the dragon, of course. Once people learn it can do that, our fortune is made.”
“Can it kill dragons?”
“It’s foolproof.”
“As foolproof as the Arbalest of Doom?”
“Exactly,” said Runge.
“THAT’S WHERE THE DRAGON has its lair,” said Prince Edwin, pointing helpfully to a large cave surrounded by scorched earth and a few toasted corpses of the king’s guards. A dozen “Beware of Dragon” signs were posted around the cave.
“I never would have guessed,” Hal said.
“Oh, it is,” said Prince Edwin. “Unless we took a wrong turn somewhere.”
“All right, Dragon Slayer!” the King shouted. He stood at the far back of the group of knights and guards, with plenty of expendable bodies between himself and any danger. “Now you must fight the beast if you’re going to have our son’s hand.”
Edwin looked shocked. “You’re going to cut off my hand?”
Hal sighed. “He means I’m going to marry you.”
The prince’s relief was palpable. “Oh. That’s not nearly as bad.”
“Edwin, you don’t want to marry me, do you?”
“Oh, no. I’d prefer a beautiful princess, but I never expected to have any say in who I’d marry. It’s all politics. You’re not too ugly, at least.”
“Hurry it up!” the king shouted.
Hal drew his sword from his scabbard. Once it was cleaned up, it looked mighty impressive. However, it also weighed a ton, and was about as sharp as Prince Edwin. At least the computer on his back was light enough to ignore.
“Go ahead,” said Prince Edwin. “I’ll be waiting for you.” He handed Hal a handkerchief. “I think this is supposed to inspire you,” he said.
“A clean one would inspire me more,” said Hal.
“Get moving!” the king shouted.
Hal walked forward slowly; the last moments of your life were not something you needed to rush. “Here, dragon,” he called. “Here, dragon, dragon.”
Slowly, the dragon poked his head out of the cave.
It was as big as a castle, but moved with a catlike grace. Its yellowed teeth were bared in a fierce grin and its dark green scales glistened in the sunlight.
“Hello,” Hal said.
The dragon regarded him warily.
Hal really only had one course of action: he would have to reason with the beast. “I mean you no harm. And I have a proposition for you.”
The dragon paused, watching him.
“I’m certain we can work something out,” said Hal, stepping forward and hoping for the best.
IF YOU IGNORED THE STENCH, the hot moisture, the murky light, and the digestive juices eating away at your boots, Hal decided, the inside of a dragon was merely horrible.
“Well, well,” came a voice like a ratchet. “Looks like someone got a little too close.”
Hal peered into the darkness. Except for lumps of things he’d rather not think about, he could see no one.
“You’re damn lucky dragons don’t chew their food.”
“So are you,” Hal said. He managed to locate the direction of the voice, but nothing more.
“I’m a lot smaller.”
Then Hal spotted a movement. It was a lot smaller.
“Well,” said the toad. “Aren’t you going to introduce yourself?”
“I’m Hal. I’m a dragon slayer.”
“Not a very good one, are you?”
There was no disputing that. “Are you an enchanted toad?”
“Exactly how many talking toads do you know?”
“None,” Hal admitted.
“That’s one clue.”
“Can you tell me the way out of here?”
“Oh, sure,” said the toad. “But I’m not in here because I like the view. If I help you out, I get something in return. You have to grant me one wish.”
“Grant a wish? That’s a wizard’s job. What do you think I am?”
“Dragon food.”
Hal sighed. “All right. I’ll grant you your wish—if I can. Now, how do we get out?”
“Haven’t a clue.”
“You said you know a way.”
“Sure. But I didn’t say it was a good way. I don’t think you’re going to want to come out as dragon dung.”
A cry came from further into the creature’s gullet. “Help!”
“How many people are inside this dragon?” Hal asked.
“All that got in range.”
“Help me!” It was a woman’s voice.
“It sounds like someone’s in distress.”
“Someone in distress? In here? Who’d imagine that?”
“God damn it,” screeched the woman. “Get over here!”
Hal couldn’t ignore the cry. “Coming!” he shouted, making his way around a bend in the dragon.
He spotted her. Even in the dim light, he knew this was the most beautiful woman he’d ever seen. Her long blonde hair framed the face of an angel. Her eyes were the exact shade of blue a robin’s egg is at sunset, her nose perfection itself. Hal was in love the instant he saw her.
“Where the hell have you been, you half-wit?” she said. “Get me
out of here!”
Snapping out of it, Hal realized her arms and legs were bound. “Certainly,” he said, jumping into action.
“Well, it’s about time,” she said as he freed her. “Do you know how long I’ve been waiting for you?”
“How long?”
“How the hell should I know? You think I can tell time down here?”
“No. No, of course not, Milady.” Hal bowed. “I am Hal… “ His name suddenly seemed much too plain. He needed a nickname. “Hal the Merciless!”
The toad giggled.
She gave him an icy stare. “Are you a prince?”
“I’m a dragon slayer.”
“Not a prince.” She sighed. “I never have any luck at all, do I?”
“I want to rescue you, Milady.”
She shook her head. “My sister Eileen got rescued by a prince. My cousin Joan got rescued by a prince. At least, he said he was, and once she tracks him down she’s gonna make damn sure the baby gets a piece of his throne. So if you’re not a prince, I’ve wasted my time in here. Do you know what trouble it was to arrange to be tied?”
“You wanted to be eaten?” Hal asked.
“Well, no. But a girl’s got to do something to find a prince these days. My aunt got herself locked in a tower and had to have him climb up her hair for God’s sake. So, after all this trouble, if you’re not a prince…. “
Hal thought for a very brief moment. “I am a prince, Milady.”
The woman brightened at once. “Really?”
“Really.”
“I’m so happy to make your acquaintance,” she said in a voice like fresh honey. “I’m the Lady Catherine.”
Hal stared into her deep blue eyes. “Pleased to meet you.” He could deal with his imposture later.
“Excuse me,” the toad said. “I know the course of true love never runs smooth, especially in a dragon’s gut, but aren’t you forgetting something important?”
The words broke the spell that held Hal enthralled. “What? Oh, right. How do we get out?”
The toad gave him a bug-eyed stare. “Who’s the dragon killer around here? What we need now is a plan.”
Hal nodded.
“A good plan,” said Lady Catherine.
Hal nodded. Then he realized they were both looking at him expectantly. “Oh. A plan. Right.”
“You do have a plan?” asked the toad.
“Of course, I have a plan. I’m a dragon slayer.”
“No plan,” sighed the toad. “Looks like it’s up to me. Catherine, Hal—let’s go.”
“So you have a plan?” Hal asked.
“No,” said the toad. “But I’m prepared to wing it. Come on.”
“THE WAY I FIGURE IT,” the toad said as they made their way up the dragon’s gullet, “the heart should be somewhere near here. You can’t get at it from the outside because of the scales. They’re at least nine inches thick.”
“So I heard,” said Hal.
“But in here,” the toad went on, “there’s no armor.”
The path was becoming steeper and more slippery, and the footing unsure. It was like walking on greased pillows.
“Is it getting hot in here?” asked Catherine.
“Of course not,” said the toad, disdainfully. “A dragon’s an overgrown lizard: cold blooded.”
“It’s definitely getting warmer,” said Catherine.
The toad gave a scornful look. “Who’s the expert?”
“On dragons?” asked Hal, trying to keep his footing.
“On cold-bloodedness.”
“It is getting warm in here,” Hal said.
“Ridiculous. We should be near the heart soon,” said the toad. “We—” He stopped.
“What is it?” asked Hal.
“Nothing. Nothing. Just a slight miscalculation.” A yellowish glow illuminated their path, showing a giant cavity. Hal scrambled upward and peered inside.
“What is it?” asked Catherine.
“Oh, nothing,” said Hal. “Just your average, ordinary pit of flames.”
The toad was looking away, pretending the last words were directed at someone not currently present.
“I told you it was getting warmer,” said Catherine. “Didn’t I say it was getting warmer? I’m not one to say ‘I told you so,’ but—”
“Well, of course it was getting hotter,” said the toad. “This is a fire-breathing dragon. Stands to reason the fire comes from somewhere.”
“But you said—”
“It’s all very simple,” said the toad. “We jump.”
Hal looked at the entrance to the pit. “Jump?
“Sure, it’s not too bad. Watch.” He reached the edge of the pit and hopped, landing neatly on the other side. “See?” he said. “Now come on. The heart should be near here. I’m sure of it.”
“Just like you were sure the dragon was cold-blooded,” said Hal. He looked at the opening. Only a yard or three; he should be able to make it.
Taking a deep breath, he leapt over the opening.
It turned out to be easier than he thought. He sailed over the flames and, with a sigh of relief, landed on the other side.
Then he slipped.
His feet went out from under him on the slimy footing and he fell heavily on his stomach. His feet dangled over the pit.
And he was sliding backwards.
“Help me!” he said.
The toad looked nervous. “What do you expect me to do?”
Hal scrambled to get a hold, but his waist was now even with the edge of the pit. “I can’t hold on!”
“Lighten your load,” said the toad.
“How?”
“Well, you can drop that thing on your back, for starters.”
“On my back?” Hal had completely forgotten about the computer. He loosened the straps and let it drop into the pit.
“There,” said the toad. “That should—”
He was interrupted by a loud “boom” from beneath them, and Hal felt himself being shoved upward.
When he landed, nearly crushing the toad, all hell broke loose. The dragon shook around them. “What—?”
“Beats me,” said the toad.
The shaking became worse, then ceased abruptly. They were falling, the footing dropping beneath them. Then, they hit the dragon’s throat again, hard.
“That’s strange,” said the toad.
“You have a real gift for understatement,” Hal muttered.
“It shouldn’t be flat like this. Not unless the dragon’s head was lying on the ground.” He brightened. “You must have killed him!”
“What? How?”
“Wait just a moment,” said the toad. He paused, then nodded. “He’s not moving. He’s dead!” He looked at Hal. “Congratulations!”
“That’s typical,” Catherine said. “No consideration. Isn’t anyone going to rescue me?”
THEY WALKED INTO THE SUNLIGHT through the dragon’s jaws, the only sign of their ordeal the awful stench that hung around them. As his eyes adjusted, Hal could spot the king, and Edwin, and even Runge, standing and cheering for them.
“You didn’t tell me there’d be people here,” said the princess. “I look a mess.”
“You just came out of a dragon,” Hal said.
“All the more reason. Someone’s going to want to paint this scene some day and the last thing I want is to have my hair look like a rat’s nest.”
“Congratulations, our boy,” said the king, looking pleased.
“Want a kiss?” asked Edwin with little enthusiasm.
“Look,” said Hal. “If it’s all the same to you, I’ll just take my half of the dragon’s treasure.”
“What?” asked Edwin. “I thought you were going to marry me.”
The princess looked at Hal. “Marry him?”
“It’s a misunderstanding,” said Hal.
“I should say it is,” said Catherine. “You’re going to marry me! I’m not letting a prince slip through my fingers.”
“Well, I would prefer—”
“You promised to marry me,” said Edwin. “Are you going back on your word?”
“I never gave—”
“You never told me you had a fiancé,” said Catherine. “You’re going to have to treat me better than this once we are married.”
“Me, too,” said Edwin.
Hal looked from Edwin to Catherine and back again. Even in her anger, she was still the most beautiful woman he’d ever seen.
“Well?” asked Catherine.
“Well?” asked Edwin.
There was only one way out. “I’m not a prince,” Hal mumbled.
“What?”
“I’m not a prince.” He pointed at Edwin. “He is.”
Catherine swiveled to Edwin. “Hello,” she said in a voice that was pure music. “You wouldn’t mind helping me just a little.”
Edwin pointed at Hal. “He’s still supposed to marry me. Or they’ll cut off my hand or something.”
Catherine put her arm in Edwin’s. “Oh, don’t worry about him,” she said, leading him off. “All he did was save my life, but we have lots to talk about. A June wedding’s nicest, don’t you think?”
Hal sighed as he watched them leave. He looked at King Grimwood. “When do I get my treasure?” he asked, wearily.
“As soon we calculate all the taxes,” said the king.
“Taxes?”
“Yes. Income tax, gift tax, dragon slaying tax…”
“You can’t have a tax on dragon slaying!”
The king smiled. “No, of course not. Whatever were we thinking? We meant dragon slaying fee. Not to mention the cost of disposing of the carcass. Then there’s the—”
“I’m not getting anything, am I?”
The king patted his head. “Our treasurer will let you know what you owe us.” He turned and went to join his son and his new fiancée.
Hal sighed. “And we’re supposed to be the Thieves’ Guild.”
“That Thieves’ Guild thing wasn’t exactly a roaring success,” Runge said. “If something was stolen, everyone knew where to look for it.” He brightened. “But my computer worked, didn’t it?”
“Almost too well,” said Hal.
“Well, the big secret was what was inside the box. You see, it’s a mixture of coal, and brimstone, and saltpeter and when it gets hot, see, it bursts into a very big flame. Loud noise, too. Plus it destroys anything around it.” He slapped Hal on the shoulder. “Hal, we’ve made our fortune.”
Unidentified Funny Objects Page 8
