“Prince Tamer,” said Amelda, “is only six years old.”
“That’s true,” Jamatpie admitted.
“It will be at least ten years before the marriage can take place. By then he may have decided that he wants to marry someone else. And believe me, my girl, you will not have your pick of so many suitors once you are at the advanced age of twenty-six!”
“Yes, I know,” Jamatpie said. “Tragic, isn’t it?”
And she went out into her gardens for a walk.
IF YOU ACT NOW
Sergey Lukyanenko
translated from Russian
by Alex Shvartsman
The alien spaceship sailed across the sky. A sphere half-a-mile in diameter spun around its axis, showing off a variety of decorative patterns. It left streaks of colored light in its wake, generating an otherworldly rainbow.
All across the world people watched the skies—some with apprehension, some with suspicion, and some with outright fear. Most, however, couldn’t help but enjoy the majestic sight. The colorful patterns made the huge vessel appear unthreatening. Its splendor held a promise of a better tomorrow. Not since the launch of the Sputnik had so many people looked up to the stars.
In a closed session of the UN Security Council, representatives of many great nations (and some not so great ones) were glued to the screen. They were missing out on the awe-inspiring view outside, concerning themselves instead with making first contact.
“No, we won’t be landing,” said a fluffy orange fur ball with beady little eyes. “Thank you for your hospitality, but we’re in a hurry. We do appreciate the invitation, though. We’re happy to have met you, but we have a long journey ahead of us.”
The aliens provided the translation, transmitting their message in Russian, English, Chinese, French, and Spanish. They apologized profusely to the representatives from nations that spoke other languages, citing the lack of time and ability.
“But there’s so much we would like to ask, so much we could learn from you,” said the Special Representative.
It had taken two days of vicious political infighting for the UN to settle on who would speak on behalf of humanity. China argued that Earth should be represented by a member of the planet’s most populous nation. Russia countered that it should be a person from the country with the largest land mass. America made the case for a spokesperson from the world’s most democratic and technologically advanced nation. Unable to agree, they settled on a speaker from Madagascar.
Realistically, the identity of the Special Representative mattered little. He was merely a mouthpiece, there to read aloud the text that appeared on a teleprompter. Deep within the bowels of the UN building, a think tank of scientists, psychologists, and security analysts carefully crafted every word that would be said to the aliens.
“What would you like to know?” asked the alien. “We’ll try to answer your questions.”
“How many intelligent species are out there, that you know of?” asked the Special Representative after a quick glance at his monitor.
“Eighty-three and a half,” said the alien, without hesitation. “Counting the dolphins. If you include the humans, that’d make eighty-four and a half.”
Down in the think tank, one of the psychologists suffered a mild bout of hysteria. There was a brief pause as he was removed. Finally, a new question appeared on the Special Representative’s monitor.
“What are the diplomatic relations like between the various sentient species of the cosmos?”
“We’re united in friendship, cooperation, and mutually beneficial trade,” the alien said. “Sure, there’s an occasional armed conflict, but we think such violence is shameful and well below the dignity of intelligent beings. My species are staunch pacifists, you see.”
Everyone in the room breathed a little easier.
“How can we initiate contact with these other civilizations?” asked the man from Madagascar.
“Work hard. Advance your science and technology. Live in peace. Learn to fly to the stars,” the alien advised.
There was another small pause, followed by the next question.
“Our planet is struggling with many unresolved problems. Might your advanced civilization offer any sort of assistance?”
At the very last second the word “advanced” had disappeared and was replaced with “gracious,” but the Special Representative had already spoken the original version of the question.
“That is a difficult dilemma,” said the alien. “We’ve long since learned that offering help for free is a disservice to the recipient. Once accustomed to the crutch of outside assistance, a civilization might grow dependent on the largesse and fall behind in its own development, hoping for foreign investment, credits, and interstellar aid instead. No, we couldn’t possibly do that to you. Perhaps we could engage in a bit of trade instead? Sell you some interesting gadgets? You could pay us in heavy metals and native artwork. Think about that—but don’t wait too long to decide, because our time here is extremely limited.”
The text on the Special Representative’s screen changed rapidly. “Is there a God?” “Which heavy metals?” “What is the meaning of life?” “Are the dolphins really intelligent?” “What can you offer us?” The man from Madagascar cleared his throat, staring at the screen. The last phrase blinked a few times, and remained.
“What can you offer us?” asked humanity’s representative.
“There are any number of wonderful items,” said the alien, and the picture on the screen changed. Gone was the small, ascetic cabin and the orange fur ball. Instead, the humans saw a spacious, brightly lit cargo hold with what looked like a space shuttle at the center.
“This is a compact spaceship, developed by the Aggr civilization,” said the alien. “This vessel allows its occupants to travel in comfort within the confines of a star system. It can achieve speeds of up to five hundred thousand kilometers per second, is equipped with anti-meteorite shielding and is radiation-proof. We have a limited quantity of these in stock and can only offer you up to a dozen units, complete with instruction manuals in all major Earth languages. If you act now and buy these ships, we will also include a portable folding hangar.”
The screen now displayed a gleaming white structure a little larger than the ship.
“We’ll also throw in a long-range communications station and a thought-recording of a three hour advanced piloting course. The price of each vessel is forty tons of gold, four tons of platinum, and two and a half tons of plutonium.”
There was a long pause. Then the American member of the Security Council rose from his seat.
“The United States is prepared to buy all twelve ships.”
The Special Representative shifted uncomfortably in his chair, but no one was paying any attention to him anymore.
“Excellent,” said the alien. “We’re certain you will be satisfied with your purchase. Where would you like us to deliver the ships, and where should we pick up the payment?”
Under the icy stares of the other council members, the American provided the coordinates of a military base and suggested that the precious metals could be taken directly from Fort Knox.
The other diplomats were stunned. Their mood darkened further as they realized it was no coincidence that the American representative came equipped with the longitude and latitude of a secret military base. But their complaints were drowned out by the alien’s voice.
“We have an even more interesting mode of transportation to offer you. It is a colonization ship, developed by the Rahg-Harr and intended for interstellar flight. This is a brand new unit, and it works by breaking the laws of relativity. Its reach is up to forty light-years and it is capable of carrying up to one thousand passengers per trip. We have only one in stock. The price is four hundred tons of gold, three hundred tons of platinum, at least a ton of uncut diamonds…”
“We’ll take that, too!” shouted the American as he eyed the shimmering hull of the colonization ship that filled th
e entire screen. It looked far more impressive than the Aggr ships.
“…and eighty tons of folk art aged no less than one thousand Earth years,” the alien went on to say. “I’m very sorry, but your country does not possess the required quantities of ancient folk art,” he told the American. “If you act now, in addition to the colonization ship you’ll receive a remarkable air conditioning technology, a unique telescope design, an almanac listing all uninhabited planets in a forty light-year radius of Earth, and all appropriate documentation…”
“The People’s Republic of China will buy this ship,” said the Chinese diplomat. He stared everyone else down triumphantly. He went on to discuss the details of the deal with the alien, who did not offer any objections this time around.
Everyone else clutched their phones, feverishly jotting down instructions from their governments. The man from Madagascar pouted in his chair, forgotten. The American looked defeated and miserable.
“Sadly, we’re now out of transportation items,” said the alien. He turned down a section of the Great Wall, but was happy to accept some Ming dynasty vases and the entire army of Terracotta Warrior sculptures as part of China’s payment. “But we do have a number of other fascinating items. How about an authentic Aurellian food synthesizer? It’s capable of producing sustenance for any carbon-based life forms. It’s fully automatic, and charged with enough energy for one hundred and twenty-five years of continuous operation. We have four of them. The price is sixty tons of two hundred-plus-year-old folk art per unit.”
After a bout of furious negotiation the synthesizers ended up split between the United States, China, and Great Britain. France kept itself out of the running, citing its ancient and proud gastronomic tradition, and Russia bowed out in exchange for the unimpeded opportunity to buy the next lot.
This bargain was nearly broken by the other nations when it was discovered that the next wondrous device was a machine capable of rejuvenating a human body by one hundred Earth years. The alien restored order, reminding the competing nations of their promises and chiding them gently about the importance of keeping one’s word.
To thank Russia for their immediate purchase, the alien threw in a special conveyer belt technology that would allow up to one thousand people per hour to go through the rejuvenation machine.
The Special Representative chimed in, inquiring about the time frame for receiving the purchases. The alien assured him that everything would be delivered within three hours of the end of their trade session. The alien magnanimously accepted responsibility for the logistics of making all deliveries and picking up all payments.
Although the other nations were disappointed to lose the rejuvenation technology to the Russians, this was soon forgotten as the alien rolled out other lots, each more wondrous than the next: space technologies for healing any disease, climate control, self-cleaning fabrics, sleep-learning, and high-temperature superconductors.
France purchased a space station capable of housing ten thousand residents, and coffee grinders powered by Brownian motion. They also picked up an extra-deep drilling and mining station, and a dictionary for the language of smells.
China managed to bargain away their Great Wall after all, in exchange for a foolproof method of mass birth control.
Great Britain had to settle for the technology of wirelessly transmitting electricity, but they also got a brand-new experimental factory that was capable of building an exact copy of itself.
When some of the richer countries started running out of steam, Russia snagged a culture of unique bacteria, capable of thriving inside of a nuclear reactor and converting its radiation into drinkable alcohol. They also bought magnetic hovercars and a strain of cold-resistant alien bananas.
When the supply of heavy metals and artwork began to run low, the aliens were kind enough to trade for some Earth technologies, a supply of eucalyptus leaves, and the bacteria culture used for fermenting milk into yogurt.
An Israeli representative, who had remained out of the bidding until that point, pounced on the chance to pick up half of the aliens’ remaining small lots at a bulk rate. Pleased with the transaction, the aliens threw in the cure for male pattern baldness.
“We’ve exhausted our supplies,” the alien said at last. “So we have to bid you adieu and continue on our journey. We will deliver your purchases now. Thank you very much for your business.”
“Is there a God?” shouted the Special Representative.
“Wish we knew,” said the alien, and the communication screen shut off.
Earth’s top diplomats, sweaty and overexcited, finally had a quiet moment to contemplate what had just happened. They looked at each other, no one wanting to speak out first. Finally, the Israeli delegate gave voice to everyone’s unspoken thought: “Something doesn’t feel right…”
MEANWHILE, THE ALIEN SPACESHIP began its last orbital rotation above the Earth. The shimmering colors in its wake spread ever wider and became dotted with small packages: spaceships and heavy machinery, coffee makers and bio-cultures, cars and food synthesizers floated gently downward, to arrive at the precise locations specified by the humans. In their stead, the heavy metals and folk art floated upward, leaving the planet behind. Wherever this wave of light spread, it touched people in special ways, causing everyone to experience that ineffable feeling of satisfaction and self-worth.
Then the alien ship left orbit and disappeared into the vastness of space.
THERE WAS A HIGH LEVEL meeting at the Kremlin on the following evening. It was similar to meetings taking place around the world, in every nation that had managed to get its hands on some of the alien gadgets. The head of the FSB gave his report.
“We burned our best American agent obtaining this information,” he lamented, flipping through the printouts, “but here you go. The Aggr spaceships do indeed match the specs provided by the aliens. The American scientists are optimistic about their ability to reach speeds of five hundred kilometers per second. Here are some photos. They are a tad blurry; our spy satellites aren’t exactly state of the art anymore. But they’re clear enough to estimate the ships’ size, and our intelligence on the ground is confirming the same information.
“Based on this evidence, we must speculate that the Aggr aliens who built these ships are each the size of a small kitten.
“The Americans can’t fly them, and they can’t open them up, either. The compartments containing any useful technology are sealed, and set to self-destruct if tampered with, according to the manual.
“Moving on to the intel from China. Some of it may be disinformation, but we were able to independently confirm many of the details. The Rahg-Harr colonization ship is three hundred meters long. It’s not a matchbox toy, like the ones the Americans got stuck with. It does violate the laws of relativity, just as the alien said.
“According to the theory of relativity, time should slow down as the vessel approaches the speed of light. The subjective time for the crew would be merely hours, even as decades or centuries pass on Earth. The Ragh-Harr ship, however, breaks that law. It’s capable of reaching the nearby stars in hours. But a thousand years will pass on board the ship. The Chinese are still willing to give it a go; the problem is, the ship’s systems are designed for only a decade or two of continuous flight.
“There was a snafu with the birth control device, too. It works fine, but it works on everybody at the same time.
“There’s no detailed report from France yet, but we do know that their orbital station is maintaining a temperature of five hundred and forty degrees Celsius. Any attempt to lower the temperature is expected to cause irreparable damage to the station’s machinery.
“The British self-replicating factory already built an exact copy of itself. Then each, in turn, began to do the same thing. It appears this factory builds nothing but replicas of itself. The Prime Minister shut them down, but the scientists believe the process would have continued indefinitely.
“Both the Chinese volunteers and th
e starving people in Africa flat-out refused to eat the food produced by the Aurellian synthesizer. It isn’t poisonous. In fact, it’s quite nutritious. The taste, however, is said to have made pigs throw up.
“We’re still waiting on reports from Israel and Belgium. Oh, and one more note from Great Britain. To transmit the wireless electricity they’d need to build sending and receiving stations across the country. The quality and quantity of copper required for their construction makes it several degrees of magnitude cheaper to just run old-fashioned wires.
“That’s all I’ve got, so far.”
The director of the newly-formed Institute for the Studies of Extraterrestrial Technologies was visibly relieved by the discouraging news from the other nations. It was his turn to present a report.
“The rejuvenation device has been assembled and is ready to operate. Unfortunately, the device failed to work on our septuagenarian volunteers. Apparently, one hundred years is the minimum setting. We’re bringing in a one-hundred-and-six year old volunteer from Tomsk, although our scientists fear he will end up a six year old mentally as well as physically.
“Now, as far as the alcohol-producing germs go…the bacteria immediately begin to produce ethanol when placed in an irradiated environment. But they absorb only a minimal amount of radiation and then consume whatever ethanol they produce, with no net benefit.
“The magnetic hovercars work perfectly. They do require special roads to float over, built from a nickel-wolfram alloy. We can produce it, but in extremely limited quantities. Plans for a very short magnetic road are being drawn up as we speak.
“The alien bananas have been planted in Siberia. They truly are entirely cold resistant—but that doesn’t make planting and fertilizing them in the frozen tundra any easier. We expect to harvest the first crop in twenty to twenty-five years.
“That’s all I have today, gentlemen.”
The president frowned, as he looked around the room.
“Does anyone have a theory as to why they bartered for a hundred and fifty mountain bikes from us?” he asked. “What in the world do aliens need with bicycles?”
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