And she was angry, too. Angry with herself for having agreed to put her precious daughter at risk. Angry with her mother for being unstable. Angry with Teo because if it hadn’t been for him, she’d never have invited her parents back into her life.
She was still staring at Teo. Her voice came out sounding nothing like it ever had before. It had all her anger and anguish and fear in her words.
‘This is all your fault.’
CHAPTER TEN
WHAT was more shocking—the anguish in Zoe’s voice or the thought that something terrible had happened to Emma?
At some level, Teo knew there was something else that was shocking. The knowledge that there was no way he could push Zoe and her baby far enough from his life to keep them safe. How could you push something away when it had become a part of who you were? The part that was responsible for keeping life going, in fact.
His heart.
He didn’t question Zoe’s accusation that it was his fault. Had something happened because he’d even considered letting himself love someone the way he loved Zoe? And Emma? Of course it had. He’d known the danger was there all along.
Except…it didn’t make sense.
‘What’s happened?’ He kept his voice low and calm, knowing that people all over the emergency department of Sydney Harbour Hospital were watching them both. Like Evie and her friend Mia. Luca di Angelo and Zoe’s crew partner, Tom. Zoe wouldn’t let him touch her, that much was obvious from the way she’d backed away from him, but he held her with his eye contact, willing her to let him closer. To let him touch her with his mind and heart, if not his body.
‘I believed you…’ Zoe’s voice was a broken whisper. ‘I thought, if I didn’t have you, at least I could have my family again.’
‘Your family? You mean your parents?’
‘I believed you,’ Zoe repeated. ‘About how important family was. I let my parents visit. I gave them my trust and…’
‘And what?’ Teo took a step closer. The suspense was killing him. ‘What’s happened, Zoe?’
‘My mother’s taken Emma. She’s disappeared.’
‘Oh, my God!’ There was no stopping Teo from pulling Zoe into his arms now. He could feel the fear that was making her body rigid. She felt as brittle as a pane of glass that could shatter at any moment. ‘What do the police say?’
‘I…don’t know. I don’t even know if my father’s called them yet.’
‘That’s the first step, then. Come on, I’ll take you home.’
Zoe shook her head wildly. ‘You can’t… I…’ She pulled away, looking around her.
Tom was nearby now, looking as horrified as everybody else. ‘You go,’ he told Zoe. ‘I’ll let Control know.’
Evie was there, too. ‘You go too, Teo. I’ll take Ruby up to the ward and hand over to Finn. Go,’ she repeated decisively, as she turned away. ‘Zoe needs you.’
Did she? Teo still had his hands resting on her shoulders even though she’d pulled clear of his embrace. He could still feel that terrible tension in her body. She had nodded her thanks to Tom, with a jerk of her head, and was looking at him again.
There was desperation in that look. She needed him all right. But there was an edge of something even darker there as well. Hopelessness? Did she think he wasn’t available for her?
There was no way he could even think of anything or anybody else right now. He was hers, a thousand per cent. His hands gripped her more tightly, drawing her closer.
‘I’m here,’ he said quietly. ‘I’m here for you. We’ll get through this together.’
His hand was her anchor.
Warm and strong, it cradled her hand as she sat beside Teo on her couch. She was close enough for the muscles of his thigh to be pressed against hers as well but it was his hand that was keeping her sane. The tiny movements of his thumb as it stroked her palm were a constant message of reassurance. He might not be saying very much but he was here. Totally here. As tense as she was about the whole situation but focused on protecting her.
They weren’t alone in her living room. Her father sat on an armchair, his hand clutching his mobile phone and his head bowed as he stared at it, willing it to ring. Two police officers, a man and a woman, were also in the room. Daylight was fading now but Zoe couldn’t bring herself to move and turn on any lights because that would mean letting go of Teo’s hand and if she did that, she was afraid she would shatter into a million pieces.
The silence was unnerving. It made the house feel like an empty shell. Zoe could feel every inch of the space inside this cottage and how empty it felt because Emma was not there.
This silence had come after so many questions that had gone round and round.
‘When did Celia disappear?’
‘How did it happen?’
Her father had fallen asleep, that’s how it had happened. On this couch.
‘I didn’t mean to,’ John had said. ‘It had been a long day what with the early start to get her so that Zoe could get to work on time. And we’d had that long walk in the park when we went to feed the ducks. I…I’m getting old, I guess.’ He sounded old. Unutterable weary. Defeated, even.
‘Celia said she was going to change Emma’s nappy and I was sitting here waiting for her to come back and…and it just happened. I fell asleep. I’m sorry, Zoe. I can’t tell you how sorry I am.’
‘Why would she have taken off with Emma?’ the police wanted to know.
‘Because she’s crazy,’ Zoe had told them, not caring that she saw her father flinch.
‘She’s not crazy,’ he’d defended his wife. ‘She’s had a long history of bipolar disease that has been difficult to control but…we thought we’d finally beaten it. She’s been so good recently. You can talk to her psychiatrist…look, I have his number right here.’
Who would carry around a phone number for a psychiatrist if they weren’t with someone they thought could tip over the edge at any moment? Seeing him take that card from his wallet had been a dark moment in this nightmare. Maybe John could sense that Zoe was thinking about it again now. He looked up and caught her gaze. Zoe saw him swallow hard and press the redial button on his phone. He held it to his ear but then looked away as he shook his head, killed the call and lowered the phone to his lap again.
Her mother’s phone had been turned off. Hours ago now.
‘Are there any friends or relatives she could have gone to?’
No. None. How sad was that?
‘Where do you think she’s gone?’ The police had asked.
Home, was all John could come up with.
‘She thinks that Emma is Zoe. She wants to take care of her. Where else would she go but home?’
It had taken far too long for the police to get to the key question. ‘Do you really think that Emma is in danger?’
‘No,’ John said desperately.
‘Yes,’ Zoe said, with even more desperation.
People were out there, searching for the rental car. The police helicopter had been alerted and would be circling the vast city of Sydney until daylight had gone completely. Which would be all too soon.
The silence was getting heavier by the minute. This sitting around, waiting, was getting unbearable.
‘I want to do something,’ Zoe whispered. ‘I can’t just sit here.’
‘There’s no point in just driving around,’ Teo said quietly. ‘Not until we have some idea of where they are.’
There would be a point, Zoe thought. She would feel as if she was trying. She would be away from this room. From the uniforms of the police and the broken-looking figure of her father that made her angry and sad. So angry. He’d promised he would keep Emma safe. He’d been with her mother for so many years, surely he could have recognised that some trigger h
ad been set off? She was angry with herself, too. For trusting them. Her anger at Teo had faded, however. Yes, he’d made her believe in the importance of family but that was because he lived with the truth of it.
She wanted to be with his family right now. With Alisi and all the aunties. With that human raft of love and faith and unconditional acceptance that would surely keep any member afloat. At least she had Teo. She could only pray that that would be enough. Her love for her daughter was woven into her love for Teo and it felt like they were one unit. A family unit. She knew that Teo was finding this unbearable too. She knew that if heading out and taking on the world would bring Emma back safely, he would have been long gone. She could feel the waves of frustration coming from him in the way his hand tightened on hers occasionally. The way his face was set in such uncharacteristically grim lines.
‘She won’t hurt her, Zoe.’ John’s low voice broke the new silence. ‘I’m sure of that.’
‘How can you be so sure? She’s off her head, Dad. She thinks that Emma is me. That somehow the clock’s gone backwards and she’s got her own baby again.’
‘That’s why I’m so sure. She loves you, Zoe. She always has. She was terribly afraid that she might hurt you when you were a baby and she couldn’t bear the thought of anything happening to you. That was why she had herself admitted to the hospital that first time. To keep you safe.’
‘And what if she feels like that again? What if she just abandons Emma somewhere to keep her safe?’
‘An abandoned baby would be spotted quickly,’ the female police officer said. ‘People might not take a second glance at a grandmother caring for a baby but they would notice something that’s not right like a shot. We’d have calls coming in instantly if she left Emma somewhere.’
‘I wish she would, then,’ Zoe said, bitterness making her words harsh.
The crackle of one of the officer’s radios made her jump and Teo’s grip tightened convulsively until it was strong enough to be painful. The senior police officer unhooked the radio from his shoulder and spoke into it. They could all hear the message that was relayed to him.
‘The vehicle’s been located.’
‘Where?’
‘Parking lot at Strathfield train station.’
‘Any sign of the occupants?’
‘No. Engine’s cold. It’s been parked there for some time.’
‘Anyone remember selling a ticket to an older woman with a baby?’
‘Not yet. Trains are being checked. We’ll keep you posted.’
‘Roger.’
The police officers seemed more confident now. ‘If she’s on a train, there’ll be plenty of people around her. She’ll be on board for a couple of hours to get home. We’ll find her.’
The female officer got up and turned on a light. ‘Any chance of a coffee?’ she asked Zoe. ‘I can make it.’
‘No, I’ll do it.’ At least it was something she could occupy herself with for a few minutes. She let go of Teo’s hand and stood up. He shot to his feet as well.
‘I’ll help,’ he said.
Teo closed the door of the kitchen as they went through it. He kept going towards where the electric kettle sat on the bench but then swung back, brushing past Zoe as he made for the door again.
He felt like a caged animal.
This was, potentially, a life-and-death situation and he was powerless to do anything about it.
Powerless to help the people he loved so much.
Zoe.
And Emma.
He could feel Zoe staring at him, wide-eyed. Was he scaring her, unleashing this tiny fraction of his frustration?
‘Sorry,’ he growled. ‘It’s killing me, not being able to do something to help.’
‘You are doing something,’ Zoe said quietly. ‘I’d be a total mess if you weren’t here, Teo. Or I’d be attacking my father and blaming him for everything.’ Zoe’s face crumpled. ‘And what good would that do? He already looks so…broken.’
‘He’s exhausted. Worried about his family. He probably wants to be out there doing something too. Searching…somewhere.’ Teo had reached the door again with his pacing. He raised his fist as though about to pound on the wood but controlled the movement with a supreme effort so that it made no sound when it finally made contact. ‘Oh…God,’ he ground out. ‘I shouldn’t be here.’
‘No.’ Zoe’s voice sounded as agonised as his had. ‘You shouldn’t.’
He swung around to face her. ‘Why did you say that? How do you know?’
‘Know what?’
‘That…that I’ve been here before.’
Zoe’s face clouded with bewilderment. ‘What are you talking about?’
‘Sitting…waiting. Holding someone’s hand instead of doing something. Not knowing what it is I should be doing.’ Teo closed his eyes and rubbed at his forehead with his knuckles. His chest was heaving with the effort of sucking in air. He wanted to run. To hit something. To—
He felt Zoe’s hand on his, pulling it down from his face.
‘Is this about your mother?’
‘No.’ How could she think that he would try and make this nightmare about him instead of her and Emma? He shook his head to emphasise his denial.
‘What happened to her, Teo?’
‘She had cancer. She didn’t get treatment.’
‘Why not?’
‘Because…because…she was ashamed of herself, I think. She’d gone against the family to come to Australia with her boyfriend and then he left her and we were alone. If she’d gone for treatment, they would have put her in hospital. They would have put me in foster-care.’
‘But what happened?’ Zoe was still hanging onto his hand and she gave it a tiny shake.
‘She got very sick one night. I wanted to go and get help. Find a doctor or call an ambulance or something but she wouldn’t let me. She wanted me to stay with her. She wanted to hold me. For me to hold her.’ Teo dragged in a breath and the air seemed to burn his lungs. ‘When she started having real trouble breathing, I tried to get away but…I was just a kid and my mum was a big lady.’ Teo could feel his lips wobble as he tried to smile. ‘You’ve seen my Aunty Hina? Well, Mum could have flattened her.’ He tried to swallow past the lump in his throat. ‘She only let go of me when she drew her last breath. And then I ran and yelled for help but…’
‘But it was too late,’ Zoe finished for him. ‘Oh…Teo…’
‘They told me it wouldn’t have made any difference. That she would have died that night anyway, but how could I believe that? It wasn’t true.’
‘No…’ Zoe had tears in her eyes. ‘It wasn’t true.’
Her agreement was so shocking Teo froze.
‘It wasn’t true because it would have made a difference,’ Zoe said softly. ‘Don’t you see, Teo? Your mum died holding the person she loved the most. Being held. If you’d gone and called an ambulance, she might have died in an emergency department, surrounded by strangers. They wouldn’t have let a little boy go in and cuddle his mum, would they?’
Teo couldn’t say anything. He’d never thought of it like that. Never.
‘And I told you that all this was your fault,’ Zoe groaned. ‘I’m so sorry, Teo. It’s not your fault,’ she added fiercely. ‘And…you went for help for me. But this is completely different, don’t you see? There’s nothing you can do except wait and…and hold my hand.’
Teo was still stunned. Still hearing the echo of Zoe’s words about his mother. And about something else.
‘But you don’t want me here,’ he said slowly.
‘That’s not true.’
‘You said I shouldn’t be here.’
He could see the way Zoe struggled to collect herself as he reminded her of those agonised
words. He felt her body stiffen as she let go of his hand and pulled away, nodding.
‘For your sake, not mine.’ She turned and reached for the kettle, tugging the lid off with one hand as she turned on the tap with the other. But she didn’t fill the kettle. Instead, she put it down and turned back to face Teo.
‘Look at what’s happening here. How broken my father is. That’s what happens when you love someone who has a mental illness. It breaks you. It breaks families. You don’t…’ Zoe drew in a shaky breath. ‘I care about you too much to want that to happen to you. You were right. And it’s a good thing that you don’t let yourself love anybody like that.’
‘No. I was wrong.’ Teo reached behind Zoe and turned off the tap. Then he put his hands on her shoulders and held her gaze with his own. ‘I thought I was right and I thought I was protecting you by thinking like that, but now I know how wrong I was. And I knew how wrong I was the moment I saw you looking like you did when you got that phone call in the emergency department today.’
‘Like what?’
‘So frightened. I know how strong and brave you are, Zoe, but right then you needed someone to stand beside you and do whatever it would take to protect you. And there’s only one person who can do that.’
Just for a moment, it seemed that Zoe had forgotten what was happening around them here. He knew they would focus on Emma again within seconds but this moment was about them and only them. Zoe was listening to every word and the fear in her eyes had a glimmer of what looked like…hope?
‘The person who loves you,’ Teo continued softly. ‘I was so wrong when I said I couldn’t love anybody like that because I can. I already do. And…and you are not your mother. You’re well now. You’ll stay well but even if you don’t, I’m not going anywhere.’
Of course he wasn’t. Because how could he leave his heart behind?
‘I’m here,’ he added softly, ‘because there’s nowhere else I could be right now. Ou te alofa ia te oe. I love you. I love Emma. I’m not going anywhere. Ever.’
Sydney Harbor Hospital: Zoe's Baby Page 13
