“I’ve noticed,” I say, and we both laugh softly.“So why the exception?” I ask.
Alex seems taken aback by this; I feel his arms stiffen around my waist.“This isn’t casual,” he says, his usual gentle tone suddenly serious.“Was it, uh…I mean, do you…?”
“No, no, it’s not like that,” I stutter.Now my confidence is replaced by nerves; I’m not sure how we got here, to this slight reversal.“It’s just that, we don’t know each other that well yet.This could be considered casual.”I pause.“That’s all I’m saying.”
“It could, I suppose,” he answers, “but it’s not to me.”He pushes back my hair again.“I really like you, Erin.I know we don’t know each other very well yet—hardly at all, some people would probably say.But what I do know, I like.A lot.”His hand moves from my hair, below the covers, and I brace myself for round two: this is the kind of moment where Silas would suddenly, without warning, plunge his fingers inside of me, make me orgasm again and again, or at least play with my nipples and warm me up for another go.
Instead, Alex takes my hand.His thumb brushes my knuckles.It’s very sweet—downright adorable—but I realize I wasn’t just expecting him to act like Silas: I was hoping for it.
I push my disappointment aside.“I like you a lot too, Alex,” I tell him.I really mean it, but guilt still burns in my stomach.If anything worth our time is going to happen between us, I know I have to be honest with Alex.At least, when it comes to my emotional availability.
“I do have something to tell you, though.”
He stiffens again, but nods.“Okay.”
I shift my jaw, thinking of the best way to phrase it.“I just got out of a…really intense relationship, a couple months ago.”
He nods again.“Okay,” he says, though I hear a slight hesitation to his voice.
“The guy’s not in the picture anymore,” I add quickly, “like, I haven’t spoken to him since then at all.I don’t even know where he is.”
Alex looks away, pretending to study the pattern on the duvet cover.“Do you still have feelings for him?”
I take a breath.“Yes.”Before his expression can turn to total disappointment or pain, two things I can’t stand to see, I add, “But I really do like you, Alex.That guy, he’s…”I shake my head.“You don’t have to worry about that.We’re finished.”Hearing the words, so final, is a lot like telling Fiona the truth about how I felt—startling, but with a strange kind of relief.It’s out there; it’s done.
“Am I, like, a rebound?” he asks.For all his efforts to sound casual, I can feel him tensing up, more and more.
“No,” I answer quickly.“I mean…I don’t think so, anyway.”It kills me to admit it, especially when he looks like he wants to bolt, and probably would, if he weren’t naked.But I can’t lie to him.I know how that betrayal feels, and no matter how badly Silas hurt me, I’m not jaded enough to do it to someone else.
“Look,” I tell him, “I understand if you don’t want to…pursue anything.But please know that I really do like you, Alex.That guy and I are definitely over, you don’t have to worry about that.I just felt like I should be honest with you, about where my feelings are right now.”I sigh.“Which is to say...kind of all over the place.”
“No, it’s okay.I’m glad you were honest.”He slips his hand back around my waist, moving a little closer.“Just promise me something.”
I nod.
“If you and I get serious, like…really serious, but you still have feelings for this guy by then, or if he comes back into your life, or something changes…promise me you’ll tell me.”
“I promise.”This part, at least, is easy.Not only am I positive Silas is out of my life for good—like Jane said, even if I do see him again, he’ll be on his way to jail—but I also know, or at least feel very sure, I won’t take him back.If he even wants me.
We lie there for a moment, kind of cuddling, but I can tell Alex is a little guarded.I find his hand underneath the covers again and squeeze it, smiling up at him.He smiles back.
“Are you regretting anything?” I ask.
He shakes his head and, finally, relaxes again.“Like I said, it felt amazing.And I like you a lot.So there’s nothing to regret.”He kisses my forehead.“You want to know something weird, actually?I was just thinking about it: when I’m traveling, I hate being in bed.Like, I hate going to sleep, and as soon as I wake up, I get out the door as fast I can.The thought of staring at four walls, by myself for any longer than necessary, bums me out.It makes me feel restless.But with you, here…I don’t know.There’s honestly nowhere else I’d rather be right now.”
I snuggle into him.True, Alex isn’t like Silas in a lot of ways; Silas is more impulsive, spontaneous.Silas would make me orgasm until I literally couldn’t anymore.He’d make me see fireworks across my eyes.He was rugged, tan.Worldly, but not in a well-traveled sense.Worldly with a lot of hard knocks, like me.And I did more than really like him.I loved him.
He was also a liar.A thief.And he framed me, ready to let me take the fall while he pretended to be a shoulder to cry on.Then he left.
But Alex hasn’t left.He might be a little nerdier than Silas, and not so carnal.But it’s not as though the sex was bad, either.Really great, in fact.Definitely better than the guys before Silas—second place, maybe, but a close one.
He’s intelligent, eager to see the world.He’s here with me, filling the lonely void I’d almost grown accustomed to.He’s sweet, he’s respectful.He’s honest.
But you don’t love him, a voice in my head tells me.I counter with, But I could.
“Erin?”
“Yeah?”
“Your phone’s ringing downstairs.”
I sit up, making sense of his words just when I hear the ring.It’s probably Jane, trying to coordinate a bridesmaids fitting with Fiona and me.“Be right back,” I tell Alex, kissing his nose.
When I get up, though, I feel a head rush—not the normal kind from standing up too fast, or stumbling into the shower after a night of drinking.The room tilts and spins; my heart’s suddenly racing.I grab the edge of the bed, holding my chest, then my head.
“Erin?”Alex is beside me in milliseconds.“Erin, are you okay?”
“Yes,” I tell him, but I can barely breathe.I shake my head.
Alex reaches for me.When I turn to face him, the room spins again.No…this time, it’s me moving, falling as my knees buckle and my heartbeat climbs higher.I hear Alex shout my name again, and then I’m gone.
~~~
THIEF: Part 3 Page 5
