by Lexi Ryan
For the first few years after, I never fully lived my life. I was waiting for Patrick to come back for me—waiting for him to finish the job he started in that church. But he never did, and by the time I enrolled in medical school, I was beginning to believe I could live a normal life.
I was wrong about that. Normal people don’t have to hide their past. Normal people haven’t done the things I have.
In the years after, I’ve learned that I’ll never escape my past. You can’t escape what’s part of you. But I believed I escaped Patrick.
“I will never let you go. You’re my phoenix. I need you. Without you, I’m as good as the ash under the flame.”
The symbol burned into my front yard isn’t just a reality check, it’s reality whiplash. Every time I stand on my porch, I’ll see the reminder of everything I thought I’d left behind.
If he’s back, it’s because he wants to punish me for what I did. But why now? And what lengths will I have to go to escape him this time?
Nine
Nix
Janelle Crane pulls Max Hallowell close. Her hands are in his hair, her tongue down his throat. They’re tucked away from the party a bit, beyond the crowd and into the tree line, where they can grope like horny teenagers without an audience.
On my other side, surrounded by what appears to be half the town of New Hope, flames of a massive bonfire dance across the river’s edge, crackling and sizzling as they lick the starry night sky.
I don’t know which is worse. Or why I’m here. I mean, I could have guessed that “bonfire” meant “big-ass fire,” but I thought I could handle it.
I was fucking wrong.
Even far enough away that the flames no longer warm my skin, I can still hear the mini-inferno hissing at me, like a snake that’s found its prey. I can’t go back there. I don’t have the stomach for fire tonight. But I can’t stay here either. I can’t take my eyes off them. Janelle Crane, a legit Hollywood actress with the perfect skin, body, and hair. How can I compete with that?
You didn’t want to, a voice in my head reminds me. He could have been yours, but you blew him off.
The voice bears a striking resemblance to that of my good friend Lizzy Thompson. For a moment, I let myself imagine what might have happened if I hadn’t smelled smoke after Max left my house that night. Would I be the one with him in the forest tonight?
Max trails kisses down Janelle’s neck, and I force myself to turn around and march back toward the crowd and my friends. The upside? The image of those two kissing makes it easier to move closer to the fire.
“There you are!” Liz calls from the crowd. She extricates herself from her fiancé’s embrace and rushes over to me. “Krystal and I have been looking for you. You disappeared!”
“I’m not feeling great.” Not a lie, conveniently. “I’m thinking of heading home early.”
Liz frowns and lowers her voice to a whisper. “You aren’t pregnant, are you?”
I roll my eyes. “No. I’m sorry to disappoint you, but I’m not carrying Max’s love child.”
“He’s a good dad,” she says, as if this is enough reason to hope for an accidental pregnancy.
“It’s just been a long day.”
Maybe if this excuse were given to another friend, it would have worked. But because she’s Liz and her sexual Spidey Sense is off the charts, she immediately looks toward the tree line in the direction I came from and cocks her head. At the most, all you can see from here is their silhouettes—a shadowy blob of faint movement in the darkness.
“Hmm,” Liz says. Then she starts walking in that direction, her long strides covering ground at an impressive clip. She’s a woman on a mission.
I start to follow—intent on stopping her—and then stop when she calls his name.
“Max!” she calls. Oh, shit. Please don’t make a scene. “Oh, oops! Sorry.” She doesn’t sound sorry. “Yeah, your baby mama is looking for you.”
“Her name is Meredith,” Max mutters. “And when did she get here?”
Liz shrugs. “Not my circus, not my bearded lady.”
I can’t make out Max’s reply. He’s probably warning Liz not to be bitchy about Meredith, but I can’t be sure. It’s a low, distant rumble that reminds me of his body over mine, his sexy words in my ear.
Pleasure squeezes hot and tight at the memory, starting at my gut and splintering out like a sunburst. It shimmers up my spine and dips down to regions farther south. Because, yeah, the memory is that good.
Meredith and Max have a child together, and their relationship is . . . well, I know from our mutual friends that Max calls it complicated. I call it good material for daytime soaps. Their little girl lives with Max during her mother’s long stretches in Paris, but Meredith likes to complicate his life the weeks when she’s home. Either this is going to be one of those weeks, or Liz is full of it and making shit up just to separate him and Janelle.
Liz saunters back to me, her lips twisted into a smirk of satisfaction. She folds her arms and shoots a dirty look in Max’s general direction.
He’s returned to the party to find Meredith. I have a better view of him in the firelight. His dark hair is mussed, his fitted polo tight across his shoulders and half untucked at the waist.
“Janelle fucking Crane,” Liz mutters. “Ugh. This is all your fault, you know.”
I prop my hands on my hips. “My fault?”
“Oh yeah. You with your ‘I just don't want a relationship’ and your ‘he’s a nice guy but it’s a bad idea.’ You blew him off, and now when you come to your senses and realize he’s the best thing that ever happened to you, you’re going to have to compete with a Hollywood starlet.”
“Want to talk a little louder, Liz?” I grumble. “I don’t think the whole party heard you.”
“I’m just saying . . .” She swings her gaze around to mine and lowers her voice. “Nix, you should see your face right now. You don’t get to be hurt. You waived that right.”
“I know.”
“It’s been three months,” she says.
“I know.”
“You totally blew him off.”
“I know.”
Her eyes soften. “I don’t understand you.”
I know, I think, but I don’t say it this time because a screech rings out from close to the fire. The crowd shifts as a flaming log lands outside the ring. I watch it burn where it shouldn’t. Its flames immediately die down, but not before it marks the grass, leaving a scar.
Fire is like that. Powerfully dangerous, even as it dies.
“Don’t make a bigger deal of this than it is,” I finally say. “It’s fine. I’m glad he found somebody.”
“You’re a shitty liar.”
* * *
Max
Meredith isn’t anywhere to be found, and when I give up, I find Janelle by the fire. She slips an arm around my waist and leans her head against my chest. She smells good and her body feels nice under my hands. She’s going to expect to go home with me tonight. The teenage boy in me is disgusted by how uninterested I am in that possibility, and fuck I’ve been trying but it’s not working. I brought her here as my date, asked about the movie she’s working on next week, even let her drag me into the woods to make out like a couple of horny teenagers. I should be so into this woman, and I want to be. I want to forget about my feelings for Nix and the way her lips feel under mine. I want Janelle’s kiss and body to be what I’m thinking about when I’m alone in bed with my aching cock.
I’m trying but it’s not working.
I scan the crowd for Nix and can’t find her. Did she go home? She’d better not be walking alone. For me, tonight’s fire is a reminder of the look on her face when she watched that symbol burn in her yard. I bet this is the last place she wants to be.
Janelle presses her hand to my chest. “Where’s your mind tonight?”
“All over the place,” I answer honestly.
“For instance?”
“Claire’s mother is goin
g to take her to Paris for three weeks.”
“That could be a fun break for you.”
I shake my head. “I don’t need a break from my daughter.” The words come out harsher than I intend, and she flinches. “I’m sorry. That sounded bad. I’m having some trouble adjusting to the idea.”
She shakes her head. “You don’t need to apologize. I’m a selfish idiot, and I guess I was thinking it might be fun to hang out more. You could fly out to LA and spend time with me on set.”
Hang out more? Fly to LA? Shit. “You’re not an idiot.”
She looks up at me with sad eyes. “Then why have I been getting the feeling all night that you’re about to break up with me?”
Break up? I didn’t think we had anything to break. When I look away, she draws in a sharp breath. “It’s okay, you know. I mean, sometimes it’s more like we’re brother and sister than potential lovers.”
Guilt eats at me as I meet her eyes. “I’m sorry. You’re great, Janelle, but you deserve a guy who’s going to put all his energy into sweeping you off your feet. Not some fool who’s only in possession of half his heart.”
“Yeah, yeah, and someday I’ll find him, right?” She sighs then squeezes my arm. “You’re a good guy. I hope you can recover that other half of your heart from whoever stole it.”
I watch her leave, and when she disappears into the house, I stare at the fire and try to figure out what the hell just motivated me to dump Janelle Crane.
Liz saunters up beside me before I can sink too deep into that thought. “Happy reunion with Meredith?” she asks, the sneer in her voice.
I can’t blame any of them for hating Meredith. She earned it. And yet I wish they wouldn’t, because no matter the mistakes she’s made, she’s Claire’s mom and she’ll always be part of my life. “Couldn’t find her.”
“Huh,” Liz says. “She must’ve left.”
“Or she was never here at all, and you were just trying to get me away from my date.”
“So, you and Janelle?” she asks, unfazed by my accusation.
“I’m not talking about this with you, Liz. It doesn’t take a genius to know you’re angling to see me with Nix.”
She presses a hand to her chest and gasps, all bouncy curls and righteous indignation. “I’m marrying your best friend. Maybe I just care about you finding true love.”
“Right.” I sigh and decide a change of subject is in order. “How are the wedding plans coming?”
Fifteen minutes later, Liz has completely forgotten that she wants to grill me about Janelle, and I know more details about her upcoming wedding than I ever needed to. I let her finish describing the flowers before I join Will and Sam, who are guarding the beer coolers.
“Where’s Janelle?” Sam asks.
I shrug. “I think she left.”
Will sighs heavily. “You broke up with her, didn’t you?”
“Why does everyone think a couple of dates constitutes a relationship?”
“It was Janelle Crane.” Sam rubs his forehead. “I don’t understand you.”
“He’s got it bad for the doctor,” Will says.
I grab a beer from the cooler and growl, “Shut up. I have bigger things to worry about than grade-school crushes right now. My daughter’s going to be in fucking France for three weeks, and I’m supposed to be okay with it.”
William has the courtesy to look abashed. “Sorry. Are you going to be all right?”
“Not exactly,” I mutter, and Will nods. He has a little girl too, about a year younger than Claire, so he understands that Meredith is ripping my heart out by taking her away from me, even temporarily.
“So seduce your doctor,” Sam says. “I can think of worse ways for you to distract yourself until Claire comes home.”
I scowl at him. Why does everyone think my daughter’s absence is nothing but an opportunity to relive my bachelor days?
“Who are you seducing?” Cade Watts asks as he joins our circle. “Because I’ve talked to half the beauties here tonight, and I’m beginning to think I couldn’t find a single woman in this town if my life depended on it.”
“Cade,” I call in greeting. “Are you having a good time?”
Cade’s new to town. He moved here for a position on the New Hope PD and has worked out at my gym from the beginning, and I invited him along tonight so he could meet some more locals.
“Maybe our friends know someone for you,” I suggest, nodding toward the spot a dozen yards away where Liz, Hanna, Cally, Krystal, and Nix stand laughing in a group.
Cade follows my gaze and grins.
Sam cuts his eyes to Cade, then me, then back to our new friend. “Eyes off my woman,” he growls.
“Ditto,” Will says.
I grunt. Will and Sam can be as possessive as they want, but their women are not the kind men are going to keep their eyes off. “Good luck with that, boys.”
“That’s a lot of beautiful in one group of women, so you’re going to need to be more specific about which ones are claimed,” Cade says. “I call dibs on the curvy one. Because damn.”
There’s no need for the guys to announce which women are theirs. Lizzy and Cally join us and walk straight into the arms of their men.
Lizzy wraps her arms around Sam and he presses a kiss to her head, and Cally kisses William on the mouth before rising on her toes to whisper something in his ear.
Krystal and Nix hang back, stopping to talk to some other party guests, but Hanna follows closely behind the other two.
She’s as beautiful as ever, her curves on display in a little black dress and her hair falling in waves around her shoulders, and I’m just glad I can finally look at her without that ever-present ache in my chest.
Cade clears his throat and gives Hanna the once-over. “Care to introduce me to your friend?”
My lips twitch. He’s going to be disappointed when she takes her hand out of her pocket and he sees her wedding band. “Hanna, this is Cade, NHPD’s newest recruit. Cade, this is Hanna. Hanna is married.”
“It’s nice to meet you,” Hanna says, completely oblivious to the fact that I just ruined Cade’s whole week.
Cade winces, uninterested in hiding his disappointment. “Are you happily married or just married, because . . .”
Someone clears his throat and then Nate Crane is there, wrapping his arms around his wife and pulling her back to his front.
“Mine,” Nate growls. He presses a kiss to Hanna’s neck.
“Cade, this is Hanna’s husband, Nate Crane. You might be familiar with his music?”
“Holy shit, man,” Cade says. “Your last album rocked my world.”
“Thanks,” Nate mutters. “And the answer is happily. Really fucking happily.”
Cade cocks his head in confusion.
Hanna smacks Nate’s hands, but he keeps them tight around her waist. “He’s saying that I’m happily married,” she explains to Cade. Then, craning her neck to look up at her husband, she says, “He wasn’t serious. Relax.”
And that’s Hanna in a nutshell. A man meets her and is so attracted to her he offers to commit adultery, and she assumes he was just being nice.
“Sorry.” Cade rocks back on his heels and tucks his thumbs in his pockets. “I haven’t had much luck meeting single women since I moved here.”
“Oh!” Hanna hops up and down. “Krystal is single.”
“And Nix,” Nate says, following Hanna’s gaze to the two single women in question.
“Um.” Hanna turns back to me, and I see it in her eyes. She knows.
I’m not sure what to make of that. Nix swore me to secrecy after our night together, and I know Hanna was on the top of her list of people she didn’t want finding out.
“Yeah, Nix too,” she says softly, but she’s still looking at me and the question is in her eyes: Is Nix single? Do I want Nix to be single?
I don’t have an answer to that. I like Nix. A lot. But it’s not like I haven’t made that clear, and she’s not interested.
That should be the end of it. So says the guy who just ended a romance with Janelle Crane before it began.
“Nix,” Liz calls. “Come over here and meet Sam’s friend, Cade.”
Nix wanders over, and Cade’s eyes go straight to her long legs. She extends a hand. “Nice to meet you,” she says as he takes her hand in his. “I’m Phoenix Reid.”
“She’s a doctor,” Liz says. “Nix, Cade is a police officer.”
Sam looks at me then whispers something to Liz, who shrugs and mutters, “Too bad.”
“It’s nice to meet you, Cade,” Nix says. “I’d love to chat, but I was about to head home.”
“You know,” Liz says, “I’d like to stay a little longer. Why don’t you have Cade walk you?” Her gaze lands on me, as if to say, Make your move.
“I can go alone,” Nix says. “It’s no big deal.”
“Let me walk you,” Cade replies. “It’s dark, and no city is as safe as people think it is. I insist.”
Nix gives Cade a smile I can only hope is forced. “Okay. Let me thank our hosts and I’ll be ready to go.”
“Great,” Cade says.
The group disperses, leaving me alone with Cade for the moment. “Listen, about Nix . . .” I shift my gaze to where she’s standing by the door and shake my head. I have no right to stake my claim, but fuck that.
Cade follows my gaze and lifts his chin. “Yours. Understood.”
* * *
Nix
“You really didn’t have to do this,” I tell Cade as we leave the party.
“It’s a beautiful night,” Cade says. “I never mind a chance for some fresh air.”
I’m not sure what to think about Lizzy’s sudden shift in matchmaking efforts, but it’s obvious that’s what this is about. Maybe she realized Max and Janelle are good for each other. Who knows? Truth be told, I didn’t want to walk home alone, and I would have felt bad asking one of the girls to go with me before the party was over.
“What do you think of New Hope?” I ask.
“It’s different,” he says. “An adjustment, I guess.”
