Reaching out, she places a hand on my arm, drawing my attention back to her. “Just think about what I said,” she advises. And, with that, she disappears into the kitchen, leaving me alone with my thoughts, once more.
Sensing his approach, I look up as I collect the empty cups from a table near the window to find Glenn making his way towards the tearooms. Smiling, I wave awkwardly, inexplicably pleased when he waves back, picking up his pace as he approaches.
I watch him for minute, admiring how he looks in his uniform (I’ll never get tired of that sight). I tear my gaze away as he opens the door; I don’t want to be caught staring, now, do I?
Coming over to me, he kisses my cheek. “Were you staring at me?” he teases.
I scoff, trying to hide my embarrassment. “What? No way!”
“Are you sure?” he asks, following me back to the counter.
“Are you kidding me?” I ask, turning to him as I place the cups on the counter. “Why would I be staring at you? It’s not as though your ego isn’t big enough already, is it?”
He laughs. “Touché,” he murmurs. “Well, just for the record, I was staring at you.” He reaches out, playing with my apron. “You look very sexy in this, by the way,” he murmurs, leaning in close.
Thank goodness the tearooms are empty; although, obviously, he wouldn’t be doing this if we had customers. Turning, I stand on my tiptoes, capturing his lips in a kiss, letting him push me back into the counter, his hands sliding down to my hips…
Startled, we jump apart as the door opens behind us and find ourselves face to face with Holly, who, I note, is trying, desperately, not to smile. “You are aware I could have been a customer, aren’t you?” she chastises, looking between us.
“Um, yes, you’re right,” I agree. “Sorry.”
“Hmm,” she says, raising a disapproving eyebrow (but I can see her façade is cracking). “Just make sure it doesn’t happen again.”
We watch her walk into the kitchen and, as she disappears, I shove Glenn’s chest. “That was your fault!”
“Hey, can I help it that I find you so irresistible?”
“Why are you here, anyway?” I ask, rounding the counter; perhaps, with two feet of countertop between us, he’ll be able to control himself.
“Well, I figured, now would be a good time to visit your father.”
I frown. “Why?”
Glenn grins. “See, I knew you weren’t listening last night.”
“Weren’t listening to what?” Holly asks, coming to stand beside me.
“I said we should probably go and see Thomas today to tell him about the panto,” he says, his eyes never leaving mine.
I narrow my eyes, vaguely recalling this conversation, but my mind was far too preoccupied with my own thoughts, last night, to remember much.
But, now, Glenn is looking at me as if I should know exactly what he’s talking about. “And you said you’d be happy to go there today to tell him about it,” he continues slowly, as if talking to a child.
“Did I?” I’m getting worried now; I’d completely forgotten about this and I’m not sure this is something I want sprung upon me; more to the point, it’s not something I want sprung upon Dad. I mean: this has to be handled carefully, with a bit of tact, not by chucking us both in at the deep end.
“Yes, you did. But, as you said you didn’t want to make a big thing of it, we agreed to go in our lunch break.”
“I don’t remember that,” I admit.
Glenn sighs, his disappointment obvious. “Jess, there’s not even a week left until the panto; you said it yourself: he needs to be prepared.”
“I know, but… so do I,” I point out.
Reaching across the counter, he takes my hand. “You know, it’s not going to get any easier, the longer you leave it.”
I hold his gaze for a moment; I know he’s right but I really wish he wasn’t. “Okay, fine,” I relent, my stomach now churning at the mere thought.
Glenn smiles. “Excellent. And I’ll be with you all the way, okay?”
I nod, glancing at Holly. “Will you be okay for half an hour or so?”
Holly nods. “Of course. Good luck.”
“Thanks,” I mutter wryly. “I think I’m going to need it.”
Chapter 31
“Okay; are you ready?” Glenn asks, watching me apprehensively as we approach Dad’s house.
“Are you sure I can’t just keep avoiding this?” I ask, again.
“You know we can’t,” Glenn murmurs. “Your dad’s come so far recently; I think you’re worrying over nothing.”
I shake my head. “No, I don’t think you understand just how big a deal the panto was for us, for Mum… I’m just not sure-”
“You’ve said it yourself, your dad’s talking about her more, now; you can spin this as a great way to remember her.”
I nod, wondering if there’s a chance I could sell it like that; I could focus on the positive, rather than the fact that Mum won’t be there. “Right, let’s just get this over with,” I mutter, pushing the gate open.
“Jess!” Dad exclaims as he opens the door. Spotting Glenn, he smiles and steps aside. “To what do I owe this unexpected pleasure?”
“I wanted to talk to you about something, actually,” I begin as I step inside, leading the way to the living room. I sit down but, my nerves are so jangled, I can’t seem to sit still.
“Do you want a cup of tea?” Dad asks, looking between us.
I shake my head, my mouth suddenly dry; I could, actually, murder a cuppa but I’m not about to get distracted from my task. Now that I’m here, I need to see this through, get it over and done with, as soon as possible. “No, thanks. Dad, could you just sit down, for a moment?”
“Sounds ominous,” he comments wryly.
“No, it’s not; it’s something pretty amazing actually,” I insist.
“You might want to smile, then,” Glenn whispers but shuts up when I glare at him.
“Do you remember when we were talking about the panto the other day?” I begin.
“Yes,” he says warily, watching me closely.
I swallow, trying to hold my nerve. “Well, Glenn did this amazing thing,” I continue, hoping I sound more convincing to him than I do to myself. “He bought tickets to this year’s panto and has enough for us all to go.”
“What do you mean, ‘for us all’?” he asks suspiciously, his eyes darting between us both.
“Well, for Jess, me, Holly and the kids-” Glenn starts to explain.
“And you,” I interrupt quickly.
Dad stares at me, for a moment, saying nothing; honestly, if I didn’t know any better, I’d think I’d just told him the world was about to end. “For me?” he asks eventually. I nod. “Well, thank you for the thought, but I have to decline,” he declares, sitting back in his chair; I can practically see the walls he has hidden behind, for so long, coming down again.
“But we thought it would be nice if we all went to the panto together,” I exclaim.
“It might be nice… for you,” he says, barely sparing me a glance. “But I’m not going.”
I look at Glenn, who nods in Dad’s direction, encouraging me to continue. Nodding, I try again. “Please, Dad,” I beg quietly, “it’ll be just like it used to be. We could even make it an annual thing-”
“Stop!” Dad roars, suddenly, taking me by surprise. “Just stop this nonsense, Jessica! How can it be ‘just like it used to be’ when your mother won’t be there? Do you really think I want to go to a pantomime without her?” he asks in disbelief.
“No, but I thought you might want to go with me,” I counter, tears stinging my eyes as my throat tightens painfully. “Or am I not enough?”
“Don’t be so ridiculous!” he spits.
“Oh, so I’m ridiculous, now, am I?” I demand, leaping to my feet.
“You are when you waltz in here thinking you can revive traditions that ended when we lost your mother,” he retorts, his eyes revealing noth
ing but pain and anger. “I’m not interested,” he insists stubbornly.
I stare at him, dumbfounded; how am I supposed to respond to that? “Fine,” I mutter, throwing my hands in the air. “You don’t want to come, don’t come, but don’t say I didn’t ask.”
With that, I turn and, without sparing either of them a second glance, I march out of the house, slamming the door behind me.
“Jess, wait up!” Glenn calls as he catches up to me.
He grabs my hand in an attempt to slow me down but I pull it from his grasp, rounding on him furiously. “I knew I shouldn’t have listened to you!” I hiss.
He stares at me, taken aback by my unexpected attack. “Are you saying that was my fault?”
“Well, if you hadn’t kept pushing me to see him, to tell him about that bloody pantomime-!”
“Hey, his reaction had nothing to do with me, alright?” Glenn points out heatedly. “Jess, he’s grieving; it’ll just take a bit of time for him to get used to the idea. In a few days…”
“No!” I shake my head violently, determined not to listen to him, determined to blame someone… anyone. “No; if you hadn’t pushed me, I could have done it in my own time and it wouldn’t have felt like an ambush. But no, you thought you knew best and it didn’t matter what I said.”
“Jess, I’m sorry, okay?” he says, reaching out to hold my hands. “Maybe I was wrong; maybe I shouldn’t have said-”
Pulling away from him, I shake my head. “No, I’m sorry, Glenn, but I can’t do this, anymore.”
He frowns. “Can’t do what?”
“This!” I say, waving my hand between us. “I can’t be with someone who doesn’t understand me.”
“What are you talking about?” he demands. “Jess, I do understand you; I understand you find it far easier to run away than to actually face your problems.”
I stare at him for a moment, before throwing my hands in the air. “Urgh, I’m not listening to this!” I spit as I turn and walk away.
“No, Jess, you are!” Glenn insists, blocking my path. “See, this is what I’m talking about; you’re running now.” He sighs. “You know… life sucks, sometimes, but we don’t all have the luxury of hiding ourselves away from the world.” Stepping closer, he continues, his tone softer now, “I’ve seen you change these last few weeks, Jess; you’re funny, strong, loyal…” Smiling, he adds, “You say I don’t understand you but I understand you well enough to know that you just want to be loved, you want to belong. Can’t you see you have that already? Even during the bad times, you have people here who love you.”
I look into his eyes… Is he referring to himself? No, that’s surely too much to ask for. “Because I know that all of this, everything I have, is built on sand,” I retort, “and it only takes one little thing to bring everything crashing down around me; it’s happened to me before and it’s still happening to Dad. Mum and Dad were so happy but losing her has broken him in ways I can’t even imagine; I can’t let that happen to me. I won’t,” I add, determinedly. “So, you may call it hiding away but I call it protecting myself.”
He looks at me, tears in his eyes. “Even if that means never allowing yourself to be happy?” he asks, quietly.
I resist the urge to hold him, to comfort him. “Who says I’m not?” I retort, but even I can hear the emptiness in my words. “I’m sorry, Glenn, but it’s better this way,” I say softly.
“Better for whom?”
“For both of us,” I reply simply as I look away.
Reaching out, he turns me round to face him, meeting my gaze head-on. “I told you once that I’d wait for you and that hasn’t changed; so, when you realise how wrong you are, when you’re done hiding,” he says quietly, “I’ll still be here… waiting.”
I shake my head, sadly, before forcing myself to do the hardest thing I’ve ever done…
I walk away.
Chapter 32
I know what you’re thinking; you think I’m an idiot for dumping Glenn. And, don’t get me wrong, I agree with you; I was an idiot for saying all those things, for blaming him when none of it was his fault… I was an idiot to walk away.
But, I also know that, in the long run, I’ve saved us both a lot of pain and heartache. It may not feel like it now, but ending things was probably the best thing I could have done.
Needless to say, I haven’t seen hide, nor hair, of Glenn in the past three days; it hurts, of course it does, but, then again, it’s probably for the best we don’t see each other. I’ll be back in London soon, anyway, and then we’ll be out of each other’s lives.
When you realise how wrong you are, when you’re done hiding, I’ll be here… waiting.
His parting words still haunt me; I hear them every night when I close my eyes, and I find myself thinking how easy it would be to go to him, to tell him I made a mistake and that I was wrong and I… No, I still can’t say those words. I know that, once they’re out there, there’ll be no taking them back.
“Ow! For crying out loud!” I cry as a sharp pain sears through my finger. I look down to find I’m bleeding, having sliced my finger with the knife in my hand. Grabbing some blue towel from the holder on the wall, I wrap my finger up, pressing down on the wound, just as Holly pokes her head into the kitchen.
“What happened?” she asks, frowning in concern as she sees me.
I shrug. “Nothing, just daydreaming while chopping up tomatoes.”
Holly comes over, grabbing the First Aid kit on her way. “Daydreaming about Glenn, no doubt,” she says matter-of-factly as if she can read my mind.
“Please, don’t,” I beg, knowing exactly where she’s going with this; she’s been on at me ever since I sobbed my heart out to her and Sofia after my break-up with Glenn.
“Well, you know you’re an idiot,” she points out, indicating for me to unwrap my finger.
Rolling my eyes, I do as requested, allowing her to examine the damage. “I don’t need to hear about it every second of the day, though,” I mutter, hissing as she dabs the cut with antiseptic. “Ow!”
“Wimp,” she mutters, smiling at me. “I saw Sofia on the way in to work this morning,” she continues, “she told me Glenn was in The Dragon last night; he looks miserable.”
At these words, a pang of guilt pierces my heart but I do my best to ignore it. “He’ll get over it,” I murmur.
“Do you really think so?” she asks, rummaging about in the First Aid kit.
I shrug, watching her as she applies a plaster.
Looking up at me, Holly says, “I just don’t get you sometimes.”
“Well, I am a very complicated woman,” I agree.
She shoots me a disapproving look as she washes her hands. “Don’t joke, Jess; not now.”
“I’m sorry,” I mumble. “Look, I’ll be back in London soon and then Glenn will never have to see me again; he’ll be free to move on with his life with someone who can give him what he needs.” Picking up the chopping board, I go to the bin, scraping the tomatoes into it. “Oh, by the way; I’m not going to the panto.”
Holly stares at me. “Why on Earth not?”
I shrug. “I just can’t face it; not now.”
“Are you kidding me?” Holly demands angrily. “You make all this fuss about going, telling Josh he can sit with you and cheer on the baddies and, now, what? You’ve just decided not to go?”
I turn on her, anger flashing through me. “For your information, it wasn’t an easy decision,” I point out. “This was about more than just going to a pantomime; this was for my Dad, my Mum…” For Glenn, I add silently. “But, now, it just seems…” I shake my head. “I don’t know; it’s… just too hard.”
“Too hard to sit in a theatre with me and my children who have had their lives turned upside down this year?” Holly fires back. “They were looking forward to this, Jess; they were looking forward to all of us sitting in the theatre again, having fun, laughing; you know, like we used to.”
Oh, great! Now I feel guilty an
d, as I watch Holly, I realise that this panto was never just about Dad and I remembering Mum; no, it’s about being with friends and family. It’s about everything Christmas should be about. I smile to myself, thinking of Mum; could it be that this was what she had been trying to teach me all along? That Christmas was about more than getting presents and eating loads of food? It was about being with friends and family.
It may have taken me a while but I think I’ve, finally, got the message, Mum.
“I’m sorry,” I mutter, placing the chopping board on the nearest counter and walking back to Holly. “I didn’t realise it meant so much to you, too.”
“Are you kidding?” Holly replies, tears in her eyes. “The panto was one of the things I looked forward to every year,” she gushes.
I frown. “If you loved it so much, why did you stop going? You could have taken the kids with Mike.” Although, I know that would never have happened; Mike would never have taken the time to watch a pantomime with his kids.
Shaking her head, she says, “It didn’t seem right without you or your mum.”
I nod, understanding her perfectly. “To be honest, nothing’s felt right since we lost her,” I admit.
“I know,” Holly murmurs, hugging me tightly. “I know my mum drives me insane sometimes but I just can’t imagine life without her.”
Tightening my grip on her, I say, “Alright, fine; I’ll go to the panto.”
“Thank you,” Holly sighs with relief as we step away from each other. “I was dreading having to tell Josh you weren’t coming.”
I flash her a smile. “Well, now you don’t have to.”
Watching me carefully, Holly says, “Look, the day’s almost finished; why don’t you knock off early and go and clear your head?”
“Are you sure?”
She waves my question away. “Of course,” she insists. “The kids will be here soon; I’ll rope them into helping me clear up.”
I chuckle. “Oh, I’m sure they’ll love that.”
Holly shrugs, smiling. “Just be prepared to buy them treats at the theatre as a thank you.”
All I Want For Christmas (A Sweet, Contemporary Romance) (Romance In The Lakes Book 1) Page 17
