You’ve just added trespassing to your crimes, young man, I said.
I plan to plead insanity. You’ve driven me crazy, Mattie Lane.
I punched him in the arm and told him that was the corniest thing I’d ever heard. But I couldn’t stop smiling the whole way up that rutted unpaved road. It felt like we were the only two people in the world, alone on that road with the trees arching over us as if they were shielding us from the rest of the world.
And then suddenly the road opened up. Frank braked and we came to a squealing stop just feet away from a sheer drop. In front of us lay a dark expanse like the void of outer space. Then Frank killed the headlights and that void filled with a million stars. It felt like we were in a spaceship gazing out on the far reaches of the universe. It felt like we were the first two people to step foot on the continent. It felt like Frank Barnes had just handed me my own private galaxy.
I knew when I saw it I had to show it to you, Frank said. It’s like—
The best present anyone has ever given me, I said.
Frank didn’t say anything for a minute and when he did his voice was hoarse. I wanted you to remember this . . . in case my father makes good on his threat to send me to military school—
He won’t! I’ll make my dad convince him not to.
But just in case. If we’re apart I want you to look at the stars and think about me. I know how much you love your constellations.
No more than I love you, Frank Barnes. And then I kissed him, before I could feel embarrassed for telling a boy I loved him. Before he could feel awkward and think that he was supposed to say it too.
But I didn’t need to worry. I love you too, Matt, he said.
Somehow we ended up in the backseat. All summer we’d been exploring the fringes of this feeling, the boundaries of skin and clothes and lips. But up here among the stars it didn’t feel like there were any boundaries. He slid his hand under my bra and I unclasped it. I started unbuttoning his shirt and he pulled it over his head, shedding a button on the cracked vinyl seats. But when I touched the metal button on his jeans he stopped me and leaned back.
We don’t have to, he said. You’re two years younger than me. I can wait.
Who said I could? I asked, drawing him back down to me.
I have always felt grateful that Chief Barnes found us after. We were dressed again and climbing back into the front seat. And I’ve never regretted what we did that night. Not even after what it brought down on both of us. How could I regret that Frank was my first? How could I regret Caleb?
The only thing I regret, looking down at the face of that boy, is that I never had the courage to make Frank see that. And now I never will.
I gently close Frank’s eyes. Then I lift my head to call out to Alice and Oren.
There is a boy standing in front of me.
At first I think it’s Oren, but this boy’s hair is light like Caleb’s. But it isn’t Caleb either. This boy is six years older than Caleb will ever be. It’s Frank, aged sixteen, looking exactly as he had that last night, wearing the same Led Zeppelin T-shirt under a flannel shirt that’s missing the button that came off when he tore it over his head.
I cover my mouth with one hand and reach for him with the other. He holds out his hand too, but not for me. A wash of cold moves through me but it’s not a bad cold. This is the cold of the water in the hollow and the first cold snap at the end of the summer. It smells like woodsmoke and apples. I can even see a bit of smoke curling around me, forming into another boy, who reaches for Frank’s hand and then turns to look at me.
Caleb smiles at me and then turns to Frank. They smile at each other, my two lost boys. They turn away from me, then, but Caleb looks over his shoulder one last time and mouths two words.
Bye, Matt.
They walk toward the open barn door, where the snow is swirling around like a million stars. They step into that spinning galaxy and become part of it, their shapes dissolving into shining atoms, each atom a star in a new constellation that someone, looking up into the night sky, might see and make up a story about: a story about a father and son and mistaken identities and missed chances and vengeance so terrible that they were pursued by terrible furies and a goddess had to step in and say, Enough! In the play my father told me about that goddess renamed the furies of vengeance the Kindly Ones. That’s what they’d call that constellation. But I’d call it Forgiveness.
Chapter Thirty-Three
Alice
IT TAKES OREN and me a few minutes to put the ladder back in place and climb down, and then hand in hand we walk gingerly toward Mattie. I press Oren to my side, shielding his face, not wanting him to see the wreck of the man’s face. But when I look down I see that Frank Barnes must have been turning back toward Mattie when the hook struck him. His face is intact, and whatever happened to the back of his skull is concealed in Mattie’s lap. When I look at Mattie’s face I find another surprise: she looks strangely peaceful. She is looking out the barn door, and though I aim my flashlight there, I see nothing but swirling snow.
When I turn back Mattie has settled Frank’s head down on the barn floor. As soon as she is free, Oren rushes to her and throws his arms around her. Mattie holds him to her, patting his back. “There, there,” she says, “it’s all right. All the monsters are gone. We’ve defeated them, haven’t we? The rebel alliance has won.” Over Oren’s shoulder she looks into my eyes and mouths a silent question: Who?
Who what? I wonder, and then I realize she means who operated the pulley—Oren or me? How can I tell her it was neither of us? I point to myself. Me. I’m the one who did it.
Good, she mouths back, then holds her hand out to me. I think she means for me to help her up but she pulls me down instead and folds me into her arms. The moment I sink into her warm, soft flesh, I begin to sob. She holds me tight.
I’m not sure how long we stay like that. I want to stay in Mattie’s arms forever, but when I feel her shiver I pull back. “We need to get back to the house,” I say, “before we freeze to death out here.”
“Good point,” Mattie says. “Oren, be a good boy and help your mom help me up. I’m afraid these old bones have gotten a chill sitting here.”
Oren pops up right away and takes Mattie’s left hand while I take her right. She grunts and groans as we pull her up, but I have a feeling some of that is for show so that Oren feels good about helping her. Once she’s on her feet she’s steady, and the arm she puts around my shoulders is strong. Your mom, she’d said to Oren, even though she knows that isn’t true. But it felt good.
At the barn door we find a wall of snow up to my thighs. Whatever force scoured the path before is gone. We’ll have to tunnel our way back to the house. I think of that boy who froze to death two feet from home. “Maybe we should stay in the barn,” I say to Mattie. “Start a fire to keep warm.”
Mattie chuckles. “And burn the whole thing down? Besides, I’m not sure there are any matches out here . . .” Her voice falters. “Do you see headlights or am I imagining things?”
At first I think the stress of the night has finally unhinged her, but then I see them too, two lights piercing the snow-filled gloom. As I squint at them I hear a roaring sound.
“It’s a snow plow!” Oren cries.
“What the hell?” I say. “Who’s showing up now? Should we hide?”
“I honestly think we’ve run out of people who wish me ill,” Mattie says. “So unless you’ve got anyone else on your tail . . .”
“No,” I say, “no one I can think of.”
So we stand in the barn door, waving at the lights like shipwrecked sailors as the plow shovels a path toward us. When it’s cleared a lane from the barn to the house it backs up and a silhouette gets out: a tall, rangy man in a hooded parka. I shine my flashlight at him but the hood hides his face until he reaches us and pushes it back.
“Wayne?” Mattie says. “Wayne Marshall?”
The man, who’s got thick gray hair and lines around his eyes, sm
iles. “I didn’t know you knew my last name, Ms. Lane. Are you people all right? Whatcha doing out in the barn on a night like tonight? I was heading up to the house when I saw your flashlight beam.”
“What are you doing here?” Mattie asks. Her voice is flat. I can’t tell if this is a friend or not, and I tighten my grip on Oren’s arm.
“Well, that’s kind of embarrassing,” he says, ducking his head and rubbing his neck. “Looking for my dumbass brother-in-law, basically. Have you seen him?”
“What made you think he was here?” Mattie asks. I notice she’s not answering his question. I bet that’s something she learned at the hotline.
“Well . . . my sister asked me to track him down. He’d been mouthing off about you . . . and she has this gizmo on her phone that shows his location.”
“How’d she know this was where I live?” Mattie asks.
“Wow,” Wayne says, rocking back on his heels. “Anyone ever tell you you’d make a fine lawyer?”
“Yes,” Mattie says curtly. “Answer the question, please.”
“She didn’t,” Wayne admits, “but when she told me the location I knew it was where you lived. I grew up in this town. Everyone knew where old Judge Lane’s house was. I headed right out here, but I passed three cars that had gone off the road that I had to winch out. City folk, mostly.” He shrugs, like, What can you say? “So here I am. Is Jason here? Has he done something stupid?”
“I’m afraid so, Wayne, but it’s a long story and this woman and child are cold. Let’s get back to the house.”
As we walk I hear Mattie talking in a low voice to Wayne. I can’t make out everything that she’s saying, but from the bits I do I gather she’s filling him in on the events of the night. By the time we get to the house she’s gotten to the part where we tied Jason up in the basement.
Wayne whistles. “What an idiot! I can’t tell you how sorry I am. I’ve been telling my sister for years to leave him. Is that where he is now? I hope he’s trussed like a turkey and feeling every ache.”
“Let’s get the woodstove going and I’ll tell you the rest of the story. Alice, why don’t you put that chili back on the stove and fill the kettle. Let’s get something warm in Oren and get those wet clothes off both of you. There’s plenty of clothes in the parlor. I’m going to go down in the basement with Wayne for a moment.”
She’s talking fast, rattling off chores like Lisa used to do, only her voice is kinder. “Do you want me to come with you?” I ask.
She looks up, surprised. “I’ll be fine,” she says. “I think Wayne is a good guy. You came out here in a blizzard to find your dumbass brother-in-law before he did something stupid, didn’t you, Wayne? That makes you a good guy in my book, so I’m sorry that I’ve got some bad news for you.”
Their voices fade as they go down the stairs. I put some wood in the woodstove and make Oren sit down in front of it. I peel off his damp Star Wars sweatshirt and for once he doesn’t complain. Mattie’s old dog comes lumbering into the kitchen and huddles up next to Oren. I leave him there rubbing the dog’s ears and hurry into the parlor, grabbing clothes as fast as I can, not wanting to leave Oren alone for long.
When I get back Oren is staring at the basement door. “That man is sad,” he says. “I heard him crying.”
“Oh,” I say, “that’s too bad.” I don’t know what else to say, so I busy myself putting the chili pot and kettle on the stove, washing bowls and spoons. When the water boils I make four cups of hot chocolate and take one to Oren. He’s still staring at the basement door.
“Mattie will be all right,” I say, wondering if I should check on her.
“It’s not that . . . I can hear them talking. She’s trying to make Wayne feel better.”
I listen, but I can only hear the faintest murmur. Maybe Oren just has super-powerful hearing . . . or super-powerful sensitivity. I look at him closely. He looks small and miserable in the too-big hand-me-down clothes I’ve brought him. “What is it, buddy?” I ask. “You can tell me.”
“It’s . . . I wonder . . . is it okay to feel bad for someone who was bad?”
It takes me a second to understand what he’s asking, and then I sink straight to the floor, kneeling in front of him. I put my hands on either side of his head and turn him to face me. “Of course it is, sweetie. We all of us have good and bad inside. And the bad parts . . . well, likely they got there through something bad that happened to that person. That’s not an excuse not to try to be your best . . . but it can help you to understand and forgive the people who are mean to you. And as for your father . . .” I try to think of something good to say about Davis. I remember those crappy Happy Meal toys Oren would play with and recall that Davis would bring them home for him. I remember how proud he was of Oren when he first came up with the game. The boy gets his smarts from me. It was a self-centered kind of love, but still . . . “Your father loved you,” I say firmly. “And it’s okay to feel bad that he’s gone.”
Oren nods, a couple of tears sliding down his face, and then he falls into my arms and fits himself to my body. “Can I stay with you, Alice?” he asks after a few minutes.
“Of course, buddy,” I say, hoping it’s true. “I won’t let anyone take you away.”
MATTIE AND WAYNE come up a few minutes later. Wayne is wiping his eyes. “I’m only crying on account of my sister and her kids,” he says to me, as if he needs to apologize for grieving.
“I get it,” I tell him, handing him a cup of hot cocoa.
“It’s okay,” Oren says, patting Wayne’s hand. “Everybody’s got good and bad inside of them.”
Wayne looks at Oren as if he’d just heard the Dalai Lama’s voice come out of him. I’m amazed and ridiculously proud to hear my own words coming out of Oren’s mouth.
While Wayne sits down next to Oren, I jump up to help Mattie fill bowls with chili. “We need to call the police on Wayne’s cell phone,” Mattie says in a low voice. “I’ll tell them there are two bodies in the house and one in the barn. I imagine they’ll be out here by morning. I plan to be forthright in what I tell them. Except for one thing.”
She waits until I look up at her to continue. “What thing?” I ask.
She glances over to check that Wayne and Oren are busy talking. “You probably don’t know that there’s a switch by the barn door that operates the hay pulley—or that there’s a generator out there in the barn that I fired up when we were out there earlier.”
“I don’t remember . . . ,” I say, wondering what she’s getting at. I’m pretty sure she did no such thing.
Mattie lifts one eyebrow. “I think if you search your memory you’ll recall my saying that I just wanted to check that it was working. I left it running in case we needed it later. So when Chief Barnes pointed his firearm at me and made it clear he intended to kill me and then you and Oren, I switched on the hay pulley to disarm him.”
“That’s not what happened,” I say.
“Do you want to explain to the police what did happen?” she asks me. “Neither you nor Oren have any idea how to operate that pulley. And if you say you did it . . . well, I don’t want to add any complications to your custody suit for Oren. You do want to seek custody, I’m assuming.”
I nod, unable to speak for a moment. Then I manage, “What about you?”
“I’ll tell my story as best as I can and hope the judge and jury believe me. I’ve got a couple of lawyer friends . . . I’ll be fine.”
She looks away then to ladle the last bowl of chili. She’s not at all sure she’ll be fine, but I don’t think I can argue her out of it. And I do want to get custody of Oren. I want it more than I’ve ever wanted anything. The fact that Mattie is willing to risk her own welfare for me to get it makes me feel for the first time that I might be worthy of it.
Chapter Thirty-Four
Mattie
WE SPEND THE waning hours of the night circled around the woodstove playing Texas Hold’em. At first I think we’re all trying to act normal for Ore
n’s sake. Alice keeps giving him more hot cocoa and cookies (so much for those dental bills), Wayne engages him by talking about astronomy (and promising to let him come look through his telescope), and I cheat every once in a while for the pleasure of Oren catching me. But at some point I catch a satisfied smile on Oren’s face and realize that here is a child who takes on the weight of the emotions around him by playing the peacemaker. I’d done it myself for my parents most of my life; the only time they didn’t bicker between themselves was when they were united in their regard—or censure—for me. Winning first prize in the spelling bee and getting the highest grades in school worked for a while, but then so did getting called in by the principal for cutting class. I bet that poltergeist Davis mentioned is another way Oren shoulders that weight. There’ll come a time when it’s too heavy on him and I hope to be around to ease it a bit.
No one wants to go into any other room, so Wayne and I haul sleeping bags and camping mats into the kitchen. Alice and Oren curl up together, and Wayne and I share a pot of coffee, talking in whispers, as if Oren and Alice were our kids.
“You were in the class three years ahead of me,” I say. “You played football and scored the tie-breaking touchdown of the last game your senior year.”
“Guilty,” he allows, blushing. “You were editor of the school newspaper and wrote an exposé of the money wasted in the school cafeteria. You couldn’t wait to shake the dust of this town off your feet. Didn’t you go to one of those fancy women’s colleges? Wellesley? Vassar?”
“Barnard,” I admit. “And it was an exposé on the food wasted that could be redirected to a food pantry. I made poor Mrs. Kaminsky, the head cafeteria manager, cry. I was kind of a shit.”
“You were doing what you thought was right,” he says. “And look—you’ve got your food pantry and shelter and crisis hotline. You’ve done a lot for this town and the county.”
“Some people say Sanctuary just draws bums to the town,” I say.
The Night Visitors Page 20
