So right after Tony and Steph made their getaway and Beanie caught the bouquet (which was pretty funny all things considered), I went and found Josh and told him I was sorry I'd been so busy that I hadn't been able to talk to him, and if he had time tomorrow, maybe we could meet or something.
“Now that wouldn't be a date, would it?” he asked with a raised brow.
“No. It would be two friends simply getting together to catch up. How about Starbucks tomorrow?”
We agreed on the time, and the next morning I got Beanie to cover for me with Oliver, then went over to meet Josh. And when I saw him, it happened again, that little rush that catches me by surprise and makes me a little uncomfortable. But I ask you, what normal, red-blooded American girl wouldn't feel that way? I mean, he looked so cute and collegiate in his khakis and sweater. Be still, my heart, I jokingly warned myself as I walked toward him.
We ordered our coffees and sat at a tall table. And I could tell something was troubling him. “What's wrong, Josh?”
“It's kind of hard to explain, Catie. I mean, I'm afraid it'll sound kind of lame and dumb. Although I think you might understand.”
“I'll sure try.” I took a sip of coffee. “Go ahead.”
“Well, I suppose it all started on our Mexico trip.” He looked up from his coffee. “Hey, how's your fund-raising going?”
I suspected he was avoiding something but went ahead and filled him in on the latest, including the new name, FAD. “It's kind of a silly name, but it's easier than explaining everything all the time. I just hope it doesn't give the impression that I'm not serious about it or that it's just a passing whim or something.”
He laughed. “Don't worry. I think we all know you're pretty serious about those kids.”
“Okay, enough about that. Tell me what's going on with you. Got a girlfriend who you're madly in love with and getting married next week?”
He rolled his eyes. “Actually, I've been trying to take your advice and avoid that sort of thing altogether.”
“Seriously?”
He nodded. “And let me tell you, it's not easy. I mean, some girls can be pretty pushy.”
I had to laugh. “Tell me about it. Some guys can be too.”
We both shared a couple stories, but then I still felt like he had something that he wasn't telling me. “Josh, it seems like something is troubling you.”
“Yeah, back to that. You see, I haven't told anyone about this, and for some strange reason, I think you might understand. But it sounds so stupid to say it out loud.”
“Come on, Josh,” I urged him. “Think of all the embarrassing things I've told you. We're friends; you know you can trust me. Don't you?”
He nodded. “Okay, like I said, I think it started in Mexico. But I didn't know it at the time.” He paused, and I suddenly wondered if this had to do with Andrea and their relationship. Had Josh suddenly discovered that she was the only one for him?
“Go on,” I said, growing impatient.
“Well, okay, then I went to college, and I started going to this Bible study and then to a church that these guys go to. I really like this church; it reminds me a lot of Faith Fellowship, only it's even bigger.” He paused and took a drink of coffee, obviously still stalling.
“Yeah?”
“Well, one Sunday, not too long ago, this really weird thing happened.” He paused again, kind of making a face.
“Yeah?” I'm trying not to strangle him, but I really hate it when people string me along like this.
“Okay, I'll just say it. I think God has called me to be a missionary.”
Well, blow me down! I literally almost fell off my bar stool. I mean, I had never written Josh a single word about the whole thing that had happened to me; nothing at all about the missionary stuff. I mean, I didn't even understand it all myself, and I knew I could never explain it in a letter.
“Caitlin?” I heard him saying my name, kind of like if I'd fainted and was flat out on the floor and just coming to. “See, I told you it would sound crazy.”
I shook my head, barely able to form words. “Not crazy.”
“But I can tell you're shocked. And if you're shocked, I can't wait to hear what my parents will think.” He shook his head. “And here's what's really crazy–I actually WANT to do it. Can you believe that? Josh Miller a missionary!”
I nodded. “I can believe it.”
“But isn't it weird?”
I nodded again. “Pretty weird.” But then I was starting to smile.
“Why are you grinning like that?”
Now I was starting to giggle. “I can't help it.”
He frowned slightly. “Are you laughing at me?”
“No.” And then I proceeded to tell him the whole story about how I thought God was calling ME to be a missionary too, and how much I'd struggled with it at first, and how my parents had totally wigged out when I said I wanted to go to Mexico next year.
“You mean without even finishing college?”
I nodded. “Yeah, I figure those kids are hungry right now.”
He grinned. “Well now, I thought I was a little extreme, but you're something else, Caitlin O'Conner.”
Then I told him how I was even signed up to go to a missions conference the very next month.
”Really? Do you think it's too late for me to sign up?” he asked eagerly.
“Check with Greg tomorrow,” I suggested.
“I'll call him today.”
We talked for about an hour, and it was totally amazing how we had both gone through so many of the exact same emotions and personal turmoil as a result of this strange calling. Then I finally said, “Do you really believe it's God leading you in this direction, Josh?”
“As weird as it may sound, I do.”
“Me too.”
“Do you think it's just a coincidence that we both have been experiencing the same thing?” I could tell by his expression that his question was utterly sincere.
“I don't know. I've heard Pastor Tony say there's no such thing as coincidences.”
He nodded, then cleared his throat as if he had something to say that was going to be difficult. “Do you think this means we'll end up together, Catie?”
Well, I made myself laugh, just to lighten the moment. “I don't know, Josh. But I hope we'll always be friends. It seems God has given us a really special friendship, don't you think?”
“Yeah.” He seemed relieved.
“Well, I promised Beanie I'd be back by noon,” I said, suddenly uncomfortable.
“Yeah, my folks wanted me to have lunch with them. And I was thinking I'd tell them about this whole thing today.”
I felt my brows rise up.
“You think that's a bad idea?”
“No.” I paused, remembering the day at the Chinese restaurant. “Just go easy on them, Josh. It's a hard thing for parents to understand and take in all at once. I think they imagine us marching off into deep, dark Africa never to be seen or heard from again. Just go easy.”
He smiled. “Thanks for the advice.”
Then we hugged, a purely platonic hug (well, that's what I keep telling myself anyway). And now, I'm back at Grandma's, and Beanie and Jenny went out, and Oliver's taking a nap. It's all quiet, and I'm still in a partial state of shock. Josh Miller wants to be a missionary?!?!!!??
TWENTY-THREE
Tuesday, December 25 (happy birthday, Jesus!)
Yes, I know, it's been eons since I've written in my diary. I'm not even sure why. Other than life's been busy; I've been writing to Josh a lot lately, finals at school, work, hanging with Beanie and Jenny, youth group, and stuff. I guess my life is just very, very full. And I know that's all a result of God's hands. For which, I am forever thankful.
Believe it or not, we are on the road right now. I'm sitting in the back of the church van. We had to leave early this morning, but for the most part, our parents seemed to understand (thanks to Tony giving them a little parental pep talk, I think). Josh is sitting up
front, right next to Greg, and they've been talking nonstop for hours. Rick (the quiet one) is right behind them, reading his Bible.
Yes, it's kind of weird that I'm the only girl along, but that's okay. We'll drive all day and all night, taking turns sleeping and driving, and we should make it to Urbana by midday tomorrow, in time to register and find our rooms in the college dorms. I have this wonderful sense of excitement, like something really big and powerful is going to happen to me, like God is going to crystallize all these things that have been bouncing around inside of me.
I've studied the brochure carefully and feel like I pretty much know what to expect. There will be speakers and workshops, and then there will be an area set up with booths from all the various mission groups. I'll be looking for a group that knows something about feeding kids on garbage dump heaps. Yes, it sounds kind of silly, but I feel pretty sure they'll be there and that they'll understand exactly what it is I'm talking about. And I'm expecting God to give me some definite direction, like whether to go directly to college or to take a year off to explore some of these things. And I'm willing to do whatever He says. I just need to know what that is. And my key verse for this conference is from Proverbs 3:5-6, and perhaps this will be the key verse for the rest of my life. Not a bad one to have.
It goes like this:
Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.
And so that's what I'm doing. And it's amazing how peaceful that makes me feel inside. Kind of like nothing can go wrong because I'm holding on to God's hand. Or better yet, He's holding on to mine. And I'm pretty sure if I should accidentally let go, He will still be hanging on. And let me tell you, that really takes the pressure off. Did it concern me that Josh was coming along to the missions conference with us? Okay, to be honest, it bothered me a little bit, just to start with (because I didn't want anything to distract me from what God is showing me).
But then I prayed and got over it, and now I'm totally glad. I mean, it's pretty exciting to have a good friend along who's going through a lot of the same stuff. And I know that we both understand each other and our commitments, and so I'm not worried about anything turning into a “distraction.” It's a good feeling to know that we are both growing up these days, not only in ourselves, but in the Lord also. And I cannot wait to see where God is leading us. What a totally wild, fun, and wonderful ride it's going to be!
THANK YOU, GOD!
The publisher and author invite you to check out the
Diary of a Teenage Girl website at:
doatg.com
a personal note from Caitlin…
Dear Friend,
Do you feel like God is nudging at your heart to make a commitment to Him–any sort of commitment? It's best not to put it off, you know. Hey, remember what happened to me???
So,…I invite you to sit down right now before God and consider how He may be leading you. Is He asking you to give Him your heart today? Is He asking you to dedicate your body to Him first and abstain from sex until after marriage? Can you hear His voice speaking to you?
Sometimes it helps to write this kind of promise down. You can do that in your diary like I did, or you can write it down here. Then hide it away if you like, but just don't forget it. Because a promise like this is important–both to you and to God. Because you're His child, and He's always listening.
Blessings!
Caitlin O'Conner
Diary of a Teenage Girl, Chloe book 3 Road Trip by Melody Carlson
Monday, August 30
(driving through Wyoming)
It's been almost three weeks on the road now, and I hate to admit it, but some of the glitz has worn a bit thin lately, or maybe it's just getting tarnished. At least for this girl anyway. On the other hand, Allie is still flying higher than a Pop-Tart. Between Allie, Laura, and me, Al's probably the best candidate for a life of fame and fortune. Not that we've seen too much of that since we've only played the state and county fair circuit so far, hanging out with the cows and quilts and raspberry preserves. We've seen more of the Midwest than I ever imagined existed and logged in more miles than I can track. I suggested we get of those maps with stickers of the states on it, but Allie said that would be lame. I'm not so sure.
We've also hit a few “megachurches” along the way. Last night we performed in a Colorado Springs church with about five thousand people in attendance. Just your average Sunday night service. Talk about overwhelming. I can't imagine ever fitting in at a church that size. Although I'm sure it works for some people, and the pastor seemed like a pretty cool dude. Just the same, it really makes me appreciate my little church back home where I know everybody by name.
Anyway, I think we've done about ten performances so far. Even so, it's safe to say that “Redemption” hasn't exactly become a household word yet–at least not as far as the name of our band goes. Hopefully the word “redemption” is still common in most households.
And backing up here, I don't mean to criticize Allie about her seamless adaptation to our new “celebrity” status. Although sometimes I expect she'd like to do an interview with Robin Leach, telling him about how fantastic it is for a drummer to suddenly be living the lifestyle of the “rich and famous.” Ha.
But to be perfectly honest, I think sometimes I almost envy her. Like the way Allie can walk into a room holding her head at this cocky little angle as she coolly scopes out the situation from behind her wire-rimmed purple shades. (I think this is becoming her signature.) And I'm rather impressed with how this sixteen-year-old girl can put out that rock star persona and actually get away with it. Whereas I feel completely stupid and conspicuous whenever I act like that. And believe me, I've tried it a couple of times.
“Just chill,” Allie told me yesterday when I was trying to sneak away from an impromptu signing that was making me feel claustrophobic. “This is no biggie.”
I rolled my eyes at her, then forced a smile to our gathering of “groupies,” who appeared to be in middle school.
“She's just shy,” Allie told the girls who were patiently waiting for her signature. “She'll grow out of it someday.”
At least this made them laugh. But I still felt dumb. Maybe I'm just incredibly insecure or socially inept. I'm not even sure what exactly it is that impairs me in this particular area. But the sad fact is: I feel unbearably self-conscious sometimes. Now that probably makes absolutely no sense when you consider how I like my appearance to be slightly shocking, or at least that's what some people say. To me, I look perfectly normal. I mean, sure, I've got my piercing, my egg-plant-colored short hair, and what some people consider a weird wardrobe, although it suits me. But those are not the things that make me self-conscious. It's something else entirely. I'm not even sure what, well, other than basic don't-look-at-me-too-close insecurity. Fortunately, I don't feel like that when I'm on stage playing my guitar.
Thank God, I am perfectly comfortable up in the lights when we're performing. It's as if all my fears just melt away. I'm sure I'm more comfortable than Allie up there, since she still suffers an occasional bout of stage fright. Although she hasn't barfed on my guitar recently.
Still, it bugs me that I do come slightly unglued when we're just hanging and people start pointing or staring at us as if we've just been beamed down from a UFO. And I don't particularly like it when they ask for our autographs. But as I've mentioned, Allie thinks it's totally cool. She literally thrives on it. I just don't get it. For the life of me, I don't know how a person can prepare herself for this kind of intense attention.
I mean, talk about weird–having perfect strangers walk up and ask you to sign your name on their programs or T-shirts or, on the rare occasion when they've actually purchased our album, on CD covers. I've even been asked to sign Bibles, but I refused. Then if that's not bad enough, one time this guy walked up to me and pulled up his shirt and invited me to sign his chest! Okay, I've seen Allie sign peopl
e's hands and arms, but I'm thinking we have to start drawing the line somewhere.
I guess I never considered this side of the business before. I always thought having a band and doing concerts would be about the music. But now I can see it's a whole lot more, and I have a feeling I don't know the half of it yet. As a result, I've noticed that whenever I start to feel uneasy or intimidated by a particular situation, I slip back into my “tough chick” exterior. I don't like that I'm doing that, but it just feels safer somehow. Hopefully no one has noticed. Allie and Laura haven't mentioned anything yet.
Speaking of Laura, she seems to be handling everything fairly well. Or at least on the outside. Sometimes it's hard to tell exactly how she feels underneath because she's so good at keeping up appearances. If she ever gave up music, she could take up acting. Fortunately, her self-control and smooth restraint makes her pretty cool and dependable on stage, and then when we're done performing she's really warm and friendly with the fans on the sidelines. She comes across as generally well-balanced with her all-around steady-as-she-goes kind of style. I suppose I envy her a little bit too. Naturally she has no idea.
It's kind of funny to consider how different the three of us are. What a trio! And sometimes it just totally amazes me that we ever got together in the first place. How did that happen? Definitely a God-thing.
We recently came up with a little routine that we do before a concert. It's our way to determine who gets to share her testimony. It only took a couple of concerts before we all agreed that it's better not to know when your turn to speak was coming. That way you don't get quite so nervous beforehand.
So, about five minutes before we hit the stage, the three of us huddle together on the sidelines and do the old rock-paper-scissors routine. Naturally, the “winner” gets to speak to the crowd. Not that we think of it as a win-lose type of thing; mostly we just hope that God is in control of the choosing that day.
It's My Life Page 17
