He tensed, anticipating the grief for her, but it wasn’t enough. He could have howled it to the moons, it was so deep and pained him so much. It filled every part of his being till there was room for nothing else. He clenched his hands in the bedding, claws puncturing through the fabric into the filling as his tears flowed. The loss of them both was unbearable.
He remembered her scent, the silken feel of her blonde hair as he ran his fingers through it. Her skin, covered in a pale, soft down that was almost invisible. He ached to hold her one more time, to hear her voice, see her smile, feel her touch. He had to believe there was still a chance they were alive, that the warming of the crystal four days ago had been her stirring in cryo.
He wept till he was empty and exhausted, then he walled his grief and fear for them away deep inside and got up. His eyes felt gritty and his head was thick and heavy, but it would pass. He would make it pass.
He showered, finding sore spots on his back and at the sides of his head. Momentarily he wondered about them, then remembered Jo had said he’d been taken by the Primes. He froze, leaning against the cubicle wall. He searched his memory, remembering nothing beyond being afraid of being touched, then realizing it was T’Chebbi and the others. If he had been afraid, it was because he’d been aware, on a subliminal level, of being examined by the Primes.
He searched his body thoroughly then, looking for any other wounds or tender areas, remembering the time Vartra had called him back to the past. The thought of lying helpless and unconscious, being examined intimately for two days bothered him profoundly. He found nothing, but he wasn’t reassured. His only comfort was that they’d returned him apparently unharmed.
Showered, his pelt brushed till it was free of loose hair, he dressed and joined the others in the main room. They were eating—he had smelled food, then. Nodding to those who looked up, he strolled over to the food dispenser and chose a meal. Overcoming his instinct to sit alone, he went over to the smaller table where T’Chebbi sat with Rezac, Zashou, and Jo. Because of his wrist psi damper, he was only faintly aware of their concern. Without it, he’d have found being with anyone unbearable right now.
Talk stopped as he sat down. After a minute or two, he glanced up at Rezac. “I’m fine, thanks,” he said in Highland, then looked at T’Chebbi. “You coped well, and, no, it won’t be a repeat of Stronghold. Now can we please carry on as normal? You said I was gone for two days. How long was I ill?”
“Most of today,” said Jo, spooning some food into her mouth. “We’d almost given up on you being returned. Do you remember anything?”
“Only that I didn’t want to be touched until I realized it was T’Chebbi and you,” he said. “I take it you checked me over when you found me.”
“Not at first,” said Rezac, pushing the remains of his food around his plate with the fork. “We had to wait until the worst of your sickness was over.”
“We needed Rezac’s help because you fought so hard. Too much for me and Jo. Had to keep it among our own,” said T’Chebbi quietly, moving her plate aside.
“You did fine,” he reassured her. “Thank you, Rezac, Jo.”
“We found the usual small wounds on your back where samples had been taken, but on you, they’d healed. There were scars,” said Zashou.
Kaid glanced up at her, then back to T’Chebbi.
“Had to tell her,” she said. “Didn’t realize she was looking on your back.”
Zashou got abruptly to her feet and left.
“That one is getting on my . . .” T’Chebbi continued, but Kaid cut her short.
“Leave it alone, T’Chebbi. She’s no worse than Khemu was. She couldn’t cope either. It takes a strong female to live with one of us. It’s not her fault. Did you find anything else?”
T’Chebbi sighed. “Think not, but difficult to tell with all that scarring. Scanner said nothing but traces of drugs.”
“We found new marks,” said Jo. “On your forehead and temples. Some kind of gel that they hadn’t wiped off properly. I’d say they’d done some kind of scan of your brain.”
“Or some experiment,” he said quietly, heart beating faster as he realized his sickness could have had nothing to do with his Triad partners. “They definitely know we’re telepaths, that’s why we’re being targeted.”
“Zashou’s running so scared she’s sleeping with us, and I mean with us,” said Rezac worriedly. “You should have known her before all this. She was so different from what she is now. She lives in constant terror of what’s going to happen next.”
“She was like this on the Profit,” said T’Chebbi.
“We’ve had over three years of this level of fear,” said Rezac quietly. “No breaks, only fear. The time in stasis for us wasn’t even as long as a night’s sleep. One minute we were running from the palace guard, the next we were on Jalna with you.”
“Hadn’t thought of it like that,” admitted T’Chebbi. “Look, I have this problem with females like her. I know I have. Can’t help it. They do nothing but mewl, never try to help out.”
“Don’t underestimate her, T’Chebbi. She pulled her weight, too,” said Rezac, looking over to where Zashou sat with Sheeowl.
“Why two days for you and only one for us?” asked Jo. “Was it because you took ill when you were there?”
“Possibly. How did they bring me back?” Kaid asked, taking another mouthful of the meat.
“Heard a noise from the room, rushed in, and you were back,” said T’Chebbi. “You were conscious, but only just, and trying to get up. They’d left drugs for you, all neatly labeled with pictures showing the dosage and what they were for.”
“Before you ask, they were printed and smelled of nothing,” said Rezac.
Kaid looked appraisingly at him. “You’ll make a Brother yet. So I was conscious when you found me.” He poured himself a drink from the jug on the table. “You said Link deprivation. I don’t think so, but it’s possible. As you say, it could have started while I was with the Primes.”
“They returned you when they thought you were stable,” nodded Jo. “Makes sense.”
“I said it was like Link deprivation,” amended Rezac. “In its final stages, and far more violent than anything I experienced.”
He nodded. It wasn’t what he’d hoped to hear, but it could equally have been caused by them experimenting with his psi talents. However, he didn’t want to alarm the others any more than they already were. “Could you identify the drugs?”
“It’s only a miniscan. Can’t give that much info, even with Sholan drugs,” reminded T’Chebbi. “Just showed analgesics and anesthetics, and a couple unidentifiable alien chemicals.”
“No psi suppressants?”
“None that we could tell, and the stuff they left for you was to stop you vomiting and sedate you. We don’t even have any psi drugs in the medikit. They took ’em out.”
“Yet they left me my wrist comm,” he said thoughtfully. “Why that and not the drugs?”
“They can take the comm away from you instantly?” suggested Rezac.
“That makes sense, but what doesn’t is why they’re interested in us, why they took the M’ijikk in the first place. No Alliance member ever conducted a First Contact like this. It defies common sense. Their behavior toward us is no basis on which to form any relationship that depends on trust.”
“Maybe that’s not what they want,” said T’Chebbi. “Maybe they’re just curious, or checking out the opposition if they decide to start empire building in this sector.”
Kaid pushed his plate away. He’d had enough. His stomach was still unsettled. “I need to talk to Tirak.” He began to rise but Rezac beat him to it.
“I’ll go. You rest,” he said.
As Kaid watched him walk across to the captain, T’Chebbi rose and began collecting their plates to return them to the dispenser.
“He feels an affinity with you,” said Jo. “Especially now.”
Kaid looked questioningly at her. “Now?”
He shrugged. “My own fault. I walked into a trap. Not exactly something to be proud of.”
“Not the way T’Chebbi told it.”
“She’s biased,” he said, making his tone light. “We go back a long way.”
* * *
Brynne had spent less time at the Retreat recently, and when he was told to report to Ghyakulla’s Shrine in the temple, he was surprised to find Guardian Dhaika there with Father Lijou.
“I’ve been telling Guardian Dhaika about your coin,” said Lijou. “Would you mind showing it to him?”
“Sure,” said Brynne, fishing inside his robe for it. The coin now hung from a silver chain round his neck. He held it out for the Guardian to see.
Being careful not to touch it, Dhaika examined the spiral-decorated face. “I’ve seen enough,” he said.
“Well?” Lijou asked of him as Brynne let the coin drop against his robe.
“I’ve come to teach you to dream-walk,” said Dhaika. “Father Lijou is going to help me.”
Puzzled, Brynne sensed an undercurrent of animosity between the two males. “I’m not so sure I want to,” he said hesitantly. “The whole business with Derwent has kind of freaked me out.”
Dhaika stirred, drawing Brynne’s gaze to him. Without even trying, he could sense the glow of self-righteousness from him.
“He’s not ready. I told you that, Lijou, whether or not the God wants him.”
“Dhaika,” said Lijou warningly. “The choice is yours, of course, Brynne. I told you dream-walking isn’t without its dangers, but Derwent is not one of them. I dealt with that as you know. However, you have a personal invitation to visit the realms. That in itself confers a protection.”
So Dhaika didn’t want him to go, and Lijou did, but wasn’t putting pressure on him. His mind was suddenly made up. “What do I do?” he asked.
* * *
Vartra had been right, he did recognize the route, though the colored light that took him there was different. Two ancient gnarled fruit trees formed an archway over a wooden door. In the center of it was carved the triple spiral with the crystal set in its heart. He reached out to touch one of the trees, taking himself a pace closer to the entrance. Beneath his fingers, the bark felt as rough as any tree he’d ever touched. Turning his attention to the door, he tried to remember what Dhaika had said about opening it.
“Place your hand on the carving and the door will open,” he’d said.
Brynne took the chain on which he wore the coin off, comparing the two images. He wasn’t quite ready to go in yet, despite the fact that the being on the other side of the door had rescued him from Derwent’s schemes. He was curious, though, and almost without realizing it, his hand went out to touch the carving. The door swung open.
“Oh, what the hell,” he muttered, stepping through. “How bad can it be after Derwent?”
He found himself on a path among the trees. On his left, a small stream tumbled over a stony bed, gurgling and chuckling as it headed farther into the forest. Sunlight flickered through the leaf canopy overhead. The scent of summer blossoms was in the air, and around him he could hear the gentle buzzing of pollen-gathering insects.
Slipping the chain back over his head, he began to walk, finding the path sloped slightly downward, meandering its way through the trees till he came at last to a small clearing. In it he saw a figure he recognized from the night before. Clad in the same gray tunic, Vartra sat on a fallen tree trunk.
“Now you know how to get here on your own,” Vartra said. “Though you came through my doorway, this is part of Ghyakulla’s realm. She’s allowed me to meet you here.”
“Why?” Brynne asked, stopping in front of him. Vartra looked so real, not like something in a vision at all. He could see every detail, almost count the hairs on his pelt had he the time and inclination.
“It is real. You are here, it’s just a different reality from the one you normally inhabit. Sit with me.”
Brynne moved past him to perch on the log. “Why did you want to see me again? Couldn’t you have said what you wanted that night?”
“You wouldn’t have taken it in then. It was something of a shock to you to come face to face with Derwent like you did.”
“You’re telling me,” he said with an involuntary shudder. “Where is he now?”
“Oh, he’s carrying on with his journey,” said Vartra. “Enough of him. What I need to say is important, so listen well.”
* * *
* * *
Brynne rubbed his eyes, finding the light in the shrine very dim in comparison to the sunlight in the clearing.
“Well come back,” said Lijou quietly.
He looked around, saw Lijou, and knew Dhaika had left.
“He’s returned to the Retreat,” said Lijou. “He’d done what was needed. I watched over you.”
“It’s real,” he blurted out, clambering to his feet. “He’s real!”
“Yes, He is. Rather a shock to realize that, isn’t it? I had a feeling Vartra would be there. Ghyakulla rarely has any physical contact with us. The fact She used Her realm for your meeting shows that Vartra speaks for Her. What did He have to say to you?”
Brynne’s eyes glazed over slightly. “We need to keep faith with those we trust. It didn’t seem to make much sense. He said that circumstances will make us want to doubt them, but we mustn’t.”
“So much of what we sense is taken on faith,” said the priest quietly. “Including our belief in each other.”
“What does it mean?” asked Brynne.
“Exactly what He said it did. We must trust those we do trust. We’re facing a time of trial when our beliefs will be stretched to the utmost, Brynne. Dhaika refused to listen to me when I said we needed you trained as quickly as possible. He couldn’t believe that Vartra had told me this. Now the God has taken it into his own hands to make sure you get the training you need. Trust. Dhaika refused to trust me, and the Gods.”
“What’s about to happen, Father Lijou? Is what I’ve been experiencing part of it?”
Lijou roused himself and got to his feet. “It may well be,” he said briskly. “Vartra gave us our own coin and told us to ready ourselves, Brynne, so we are. All the visions you’ve had form part of the picture, but where the danger will come from, we don’t yet know. That’s why we need you trained. Tallinu was perhaps the best of our visionaries, but he’s no longer with us. You show great promise. Let’s hope we find the answers we need through you.”
He felt his heart sink. “So I’m going to keep on having these dreams and visions?”
“I hope so,” Lijou said, putting his hand briefly on Brynne’s shoulder. “Now, don’t worry, you’ll get used to it. Tallinu did. It’s your calling.”
Brynne grunted. He wasn’t so sure he wanted to get used to it. It was damned upsetting and inconvenient to keep waking up in a cold sweat because of some vivid dream in which he actually was the person rather than an observer. And no matter what Father Lijou said, there was the fear he’d meet Derwent again.
Lijou’s hand closed comfortingly on his shoulder. “The link between you and Derwent is severed, Brynne. You’ll not meet him when you’re dream-walking, I guarantee that. From the first I’ve made sure there were those close to you who could help and protect you, and I have personally monitored your training. Do you think I would let any harm come to you?”
“I suppose you’re right,” he admitted. “What you’re saying is not that different from what Derwent saw as my future.”
“As a guider of souls?”
“Something like that,” he said vaguely. “It certainly had to do with walking realms and dreaming.”
“It’s coming up for second meal now. Why don’t you get something to eat and take some time off to rest? You and Jurrel can return to the Retreat tomorrow. No need for you to head back today. You’ll a
bsorb what you’ve learned better if you rest for a while immediately afterward. Sleeping is even better.”
“I am tired,” he admitted, letting the priest turn him toward the doorway. “And hungry.”
“Using one’s Talent tends to make you hungry,” agreed Lijou.
* * *
Day 19
“She’s causing havoc among the older males, Konis,” said Sorli. “Six days ago Mayoi warned her if she broke curfew again, we’d appoint a chaperone. Granted she hasn’t done that, but she’s gotten herself a reputation among the students for being very available, shall we say. Ashok Chazoun is refusing to have anything to do with her, and wants the betrothal called off. Frankly, I don’t blame him.”
Konis continued to look out over the Guild grounds. “What does his father say?”
“He’s prepared to keep the contract if you exercise some control over Kitra. The life-bonding can take place as planned once she’s been medically examined to prove she’s not pregnant. After the ceremony, they want her sent to their Clan estate until she’s provided them with an heir.”
“Unacceptable,” he growled.
“You can’t blame them, Konis. They want to be sure their Clan’s heir is Ashok’s cub,” said Sorli gently. “Why didn’t you keep her at home until she was bonded? Or appoint a chaperone? She might not have gotten so out of hand if you had.”
“If I had, she’d have run away, Sorli,” he said, turning to face him. “Forcing her into this bonding has caused enough of a breach between me and my family.”
“I’m sorry we had to send her home, but you see my problem. She’s disrupting the whole Guild. Keep her on the estate till she’s safely bonding.”
“She’s fourteen, Sorli. She’s losing her youth to this family. It’ll be a year at least till she can return here, you know that, and that’s only if they allow her to return. At her age she has only the legal rights her family allow her, and that will be the Chazouns.”
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