Cindy studied him and would swear he actually looked a little nervous. It was a side to him she’d never seen. He’d been concerned when the doctor put her on bed rest, but this was different. The always unflappable Dr. Nathan Steele actually looked—flappable.
“Okay.” She fit her key into the lock, then opened the door. “Come in.”
“Thanks.”
She set her purse on the cedar chest. “Do you want something to drink?”
“No.”
Studying the solemn expression on his face, she asked, “Is this a standing-up sort of conversation, or something I should sit down for?”
“That depends.”
“On what?”
“How surprised you’re going to be.”
He’d said they needed to settle something, which probably meant this was about the baby. His reaction to the ultrasound had been clear to anyone within visual range of his face. Quite literally he’d been beaming. Such a guy, pleased this was a boy child to carry on his name.
His name?
She suddenly went cold all over. “You want to take the baby away from me?” Another thought struck her, and she didn’t have the financial resources to fight him. “You’re going to sue me for custody?”
“No.” He looked horrified. “God, no.”
She’d been holding her breath and finally let it out. “Okay. Sorry. Sometimes I go to the bad place.”
“That’s an understatement. You don’t even slow down for stop signs when you go there.”
“It’s easier that way.” She shrugged. “Get the very worst out of the way and the rest isn’t so bad.”
He ran his fingers through his hair. “Well, I’m sort of hoping this isn’t something even in the same neighborhood with the bad place.”
She walked over to the love seat and sat. “Maybe this is a sit-down talk after all. If nothing else, I can take a load off while you get to the point.”
“I think you should marry me.”
She blinked up at him. “What did you say?”
“We need to get married.”
“That’s what I thought you said. Way to get to the point.”
Cindy knew she’d chosen wisely in sitting down. The shock of his point would have dropped her like a stone.
Married?
He wanted to marry her? Happiness expanded inside her. This was something she hadn’t dared to let herself hope for.
His gaze never left hers as the silence grew. Finally he said, “Please say something. What are you thinking?”
“Wow. I’m thinking a proposal, really?”
“Yes, really.” He sat on the cedar chest in front of her. “Seeing our baby really put things in perspective for me.”
“Such as?” She really wanted him to touch her. When a guy proposed marriage, didn’t he at least take her hand?
“A kid needs a mother and father.”
“Check.” She pointed to herself, then him. “Both present and accounted for.”
“And a stable environment. That means both parents under the same roof.”
“We’ve kind of been doing that already.”
“I don’t want ‘kind of.’ I think we need to officially be under the same roof to make a family.”
Why did he want to get married now? Something didn’t feel right.
“This is important to you?” she asked.
“It is. I never want my son to feel different, out-of-step, that he doesn’t fit—”
“Because his parents aren’t legally married?”
“Yes,” he said, as if she’d come up with the elusive answer to the riddle of the day.
He’d listed logical reasons to take the step, but not one of them was about loving her. He’d said “We need to get married,” not “I want to marry you.”
Silence stretched to the breaking point between them before he finally said again, “Please say something. Tell me what you’re thinking.”
“Honestly?”
“That would be good.”
Cindy blew out a long breath. “Because we both know life isn’t a romantic comedy and you just asked me to marry you, I’m honestly wondering why.”
“I told you why,” he protested.
“You listed legal and logistical reasons, but not one of them was the most important one.”
“I don’t understand.”
The endearingly clueless expression on his face tugged at her heart. “Then I’ll explain it to you.”
“Please.”
“During our very first conversation you told me that you don’t believe in something if you can’t see or touch it.”
“I remember. You’re talking about love.” His expression shuttered.
“Yes.” She gripped her hands together in her lap. “But your mother told me you and your wife were completely in love. That you were inconsolable when she died and blamed yourself. To me, that doesn’t sound like a man who doesn’t believe love exists.”
“The only part of what my mother said that’s true is I do blame myself for everything that went wrong.” His voice was harsh and cold.
“Meaning what?”
“I liked and respected my wife. That should have been enough, but it wasn’t. She left me.” He ran his fingers through his hair. “In all fairness, I was never there for her. Work always came first.”
That was hard to believe. He’d been there for her, Cindy, from the beginning. Asking for her phone number. Persistently. Then when she found out she was pregnant, he’d had to wear down her resistance because she kept waiting for him to not be there. When had she started to trust him? It was all a blur, but she realized she did have faith that he wouldn’t run out on her. But that was only now because she and the baby were one.
“Shirley didn’t say anything about that,” she accused.
“Because she doesn’t know. You may have noticed that Shirley and I don’t really communicate all that much.”
“But still… That was a life-changing event in your life. You’re her son.”
“There was no point. Felicia and I had just separated when she was killed in the accident. Shirley didn’t need to know we were getting a divorce.” Sadness and anger fused together in his grim expression. “If I’d been capable of loving her the way she deserved to be loved, she would still be alive.”
So he hadn’t been in love. She’d truly thought he was capable of the emotion because he’d been married. The truth made it hard to breathe.
“You don’t know that things would have been different if your feelings were deeper,” she said, trying to be rational when she just wanted to fall apart.
“Yeah. I do.” His mind was made up about that. “I missed my best friend, but she was never the love of my life. I don’t even know what that means.”
Because he’d never seen what love looked like. Cindy knew something else, too. His greatest strength was also his biggest flaw. Scrupulous honesty. He’d told her straight up that he didn’t believe in love and was now proving it wasn’t a lie.
But Cindy had been lying to herself.
She’d thought her heart was protected by scar tissue from her last disastrous relationship. Now she realized the foolishness of that strategy. She was the kind of person who led with her heart. And she’d always known she wanted to be someone’s great love. As her trust in Nathan grew, she’d yearned for that someone to be him.
She was completely and hopelessly in love with him.
But he’d just told her that he couldn’t be in love with anyone. It wasn’t a good plan to propose marriage, then declare love didn’t exist in your world.
“You’re right about one thing,” she said. “Shirley doesn’t need to know the truth. And yet, as dysfunctional as your relationship is with her, you kept that information to yourself to protect her.”
“Not really.”
She didn’t have the strength to argue with him. Holding back tears that desperately wanted release took all her energy. He’d asked to come in so they could settle thi
s business of marriage. The least she could do was give him an answer.
“Thank you, no.”
His eyes narrowed. “No what?”
“I can’t marry you. But I appreciate that you’re trying to do the right thing for our son.”
“You don’t even want to think it over?”
“There’s nothing to think about. My mind is made up just as surely as yours is.” She stood and walked over to the door, then opened it. “Goodbye, Nathan.”
Cindy didn’t think it was possible that hope had survived the beating it had just taken, but she was wrong again. Hope didn’t really breathe its last until he was gone without even trying to convince her she was wrong.
After her heart cracked in two, the last sound she heard was the squeal of tires as he drove away.
Chapter Fourteen
“Damn these pregnancy hormones—” Cindy sniffled as she set a single place at the table.
It always seemed so small when Nathan sat across from her. Now it felt big enough to land a jumbo jet, and had for the last week. That’s how long it had been since the night he’d proposed. A short time and yet being alone made it feel like forever.
She’d seen him briefly at work but hadn’t talked to him. And every night, right about the time he usually rang her doorbell, the tears started when no one came.
“Stop it,” she ordered herself.
She was preparing to cut up vegetables for a salad and actually being able to see would be good. She needed all her fingers. An appetite would come in handy, too, but that had been missing for the past seven days.
Maybe turning him down had been a mistake. She might be in love by herself, but at least she wouldn’t be alone.
“That didn’t work out so well for Felicia. Or his mother.” Now she was talking to herself.
She’d existed in a world where she desperately missed Nathan’s warmth, humor and caring, but in her heart she knew it was the right thing. Alone was better than watching the man you loved not love you back. But she had to admit that walking by herself on the high road didn’t make her feel less lonely.
She sprinkled extra-virgin olive oil and balsamic vinegar on the lettuce, tomato, cucumber and avocado in her salad bowl. Then she put in some cold diced chicken and grated cheddar cheese and placed it on the table. After adding ice to a glass, she was filling it with filtered water from the refrigerator when the doorbell rang.
Her hand jerked and water sloshed over her wrist. “Nathan?” she whispered.
She ran to the front door and peeked out the window, reminded once again how incredibly cruel hope could be. One minute on top of the world, anticipating what you wanted more than anything else. The next you were lower than you’d ever been before. There was a Steele standing outside, but it was not Nathan.
Cindy unlocked the deadbolt and opened the door. “Hi, Shirley.”
“Cindy.” She looked closer. “Are you all right?”
No. But she would be. When her eyes stopped feeling ten sizes too small from crying.
“I’m fine. But this isn’t a very good time for me. It hasn’t been a good week.”
“Tell me about it.” She looked upset. “This won’t take long, but I really need to talk to you. It’s about Nathan.”
“Is he all right?” Cindy opened the door wider and let the other woman walk inside.
“He’s not hurt.” Shirley turned when the door closed. “At least not physically, if that’s what you mean.”
“What a relief.” She couldn’t stand the thought of anything happening to him. “I was just going to eat a salad. Can I make something for you?”
“No, thanks. I’ve had dinner. But you need to eat. Would you mind if I kept you company?”
“Okay.” Although she didn’t think her company would be very good, to talk to an actual person would be a welcome change from talking to herself. “I’d like that.”
Shirley sat across the table from her in the chair Nathan usually occupied. “That’s a nutritious dinner.”
“I’m trying to eat healthy for the little guy.”
“A boy?”
“Yes.” Cindy smiled before noticing the look of awe, then stark and genuine surprise on the other woman’s face. “Nathan didn’t tell you.”
“No.”
“We found out last week at the doctor’s appointment. She did an ultrasound.”
The same day Nathan proposed so the son he’d just found out about wouldn’t ever feel bad because his parents weren’t married. There was no way to explain to him that saying “I do” was not an inoculation against dysfunctional. The queen of screwed-up relationships was sitting right across from her.
“I can’t believe he didn’t say anything.” Shirley slid the Coach purse off her shoulder and set it on the floor beside her. “But then he hasn’t been acting like himself. That’s why I came to see you.”
“Oh?” Cindy took a bite of salad, but couldn’t taste anything.
“Yes. He’s been short-tempered and moody. That’s so unlike him.” She linked her fingers. “I asked him about painting a bedroom for the baby and he walked away without answering. Is there something wrong with the baby?”
“No.” She rested her hand protectively on her growing belly. “He’s doing great.”
“Thank goodness.” In the next instant, the relief in her face gave way to worry. “I don’t understand why he didn’t tell me you were having a boy. Nathan has always been so steady, so even. There’s something wrong with him. I just know it. He wouldn’t talk about anything, which isn’t new. But he’s been acting so strangely and that is different. I was so hoping you could enlighten me.”
Cindy choked down more salad before setting her fork in the bowl of half-eaten greens. She sipped some water, then took a deep breath. “Nathan proposed to me.”
Shirley blinked several times, then smiled. “That’s wonderful. Congratulations. I know what I said about you two being very modern and not feeling as if you had to marry for the sake of the baby. But I’ve gotten to know you and I think you’re very good for him.”
“I turned him down.”
“But why?” Her smile disappeared, replaced by shock. “I don’t understand. Any fool can see that you’re completely in love with him.”
“I am,” Cindy agreed, more calmly than she felt. Especially when her heart cracked just a little bit more. “But marrying him would set a new record for foolish. It would be too painful knowing he can’t love me back.”
“I don’t think that’s true. They say a man who loved once is more likely to love again. Felicia has been gone—”
“He didn’t love her.” Cindy felt a pang of guilt at being the one to reveal this information. But, in spite of her faults, this woman meant well and needed to understand why there would be no wedding for her grandson’s parents.
“That’s not true. He was inconsolable when she died.”
“Because he blamed himself for the marriage not working. When Felicia died in the accident they were separated. That being the case, he felt there was no point in revealing that to you. He understands that you were very fond of his wife.”
“He was protecting me?”
“Ironic, but true,” Cindy said. “Apparently Felicia walked out when she realized he didn’t love her the way a husband should love his wife.”
“I can’t believe this.” Her hazel eyes grew even wider.
“It’s true.” Cindy had just revealed Nathan’s secret, but to make it count for something she needed to get another concern off her chest. “Nathan doesn’t believe in love, Shirley. And you bear some responsibility for that.”
“Me?” The older woman recoiled as if she’d been slapped. “I don’t know what you mean.”
“Think about it for a minute. When the going gets tough, the tough don’t take art classes. But that’s what you did.” Cindy expected an angry, defensive reaction to her words, but there was only silence. And sadness in Shirley’s expression. “You and Nathan’s father had p
roblems and neither one of you talked to him about what was going on. Neither one of you bothered to say you stopped loving each other but still loved him. You handled the situation by hiding, and that’s the coping skill your little boy learned.”
Shirley sighed and eyes so like her son’s filled with misery and self-recrimination. “I was in no condition to be a good mother to him. You may choose to believe I’m simply making excuses for my shortcomings, but I sincerely believed that and was afraid that me being in such an emotionally damaged state, I would hurt Nathan more.”
“You were wrong.” Cindy couldn’t hold back the words, but it wasn’t her intention to hurt. Just to clear the air.
“I see that now. Obviously I’ve made mistakes. If I could take them back, I would do it in an instant. But if you believe nothing else, believe this—I love my son with all my heart.”
Cindy could see that. “I know you do.”
“This is no excuse for my behavior, but I’m not the only parent he had.”
Cindy remembered Nathan saying he was abandoned by both of them and then shipped off to boarding school. Unfortunately, knowing why he was the way he was didn’t flip the switch to turn on his ability to love her back.
“You’re right, Shirley. His father didn’t help. Nathan’s whole world was falling down around him and he had no support system in place to handle what was going on.”
“I wish there was something I could do to change the past.” Regret shimmered in her eyes. “That’s not possible. But if there’s anything I can do for you, just ask.”
The absolute sincerity in the other woman’s expression convinced Cindy that she meant what she said. But the harm was already done and her own broken heart was collateral damage.
“Thanks, but I don’t think there’s anything. He won’t let himself take a leap of faith that love exists and I won’t tie myself to a man who can’t let me be his great love. I won’t settle for less. More important, my baby won’t get caught up in the fallout from a mistake.”
Shirley nodded but looked uneasy. “Still, don’t forget that this is his child, too.”
“I won’t.”
Cindy had thought about that a lot. He was committed to his son, so much so that he’d gone against his beliefs and proposed marriage. He cared deeply, a father’s love, whether or not he thought about his feelings in those terms. And because he cared, they would be tied together forever by this child.
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