Marlena and I have become extremely close. Both of us have exchanged stories about our pasts in Impetus. I have told her a lot about Jacqueline, and Marlena has in return shared stories with me about her best friend, Katrina, who ironically was one of the girls who helped me with my hair and make-up the day of the Futures Ceremony. Marlena was so excited to hear that Katrina was doing well and asked for me to describe her since it had been eight years since they last saw each other.
Impetus seems like a distance place now. I still can’t get Jacqueline out of my mind or even all the young children who don’t know life any other way. To think about a community that uses the punishment boxes so freely is terrifying.
One other person has since joined Rebirth so I’m no longer the total newbie. When I first heard someone else was coming, I held my breath, hoping with everything inside of me that somehow it was Jacqueline. Instead it was someone two Levels above me, an Unpaired named Valerie. She was quiet, and kept primarily to herself. Marlena was there for her as she was with me when I first came to Rebirth. I would help out as I could, but struggled with my anger as I watched Valerie full of pain as she went through her Remedy withdrawal. It’s inhumane that people have to go through this. It’s wrong that Impetus purposely prevents its people from feeling.
Gavin has continued to keep a tight lid on telling me things about Impetus and the truth about his life which has driven a wedge in our relationship. Every now and then he will come sit by me if I’m off somewhere along the edge of the woods, but he won’t say much. He acts like he wants to say something important but never opens up. Then when he’s ready to go, he’ll kiss me fiercely on the forehead and leave without saying a word.
We’ve argued several times as I’ve begged him to take me back out to our old meeting grounds in efforts to renew our friendship- to bring us back to the way we used to be. But he shuts it down pretty quickly each time with a stern “no, it’s not safe, Evangeline.” Then refuses to discuss it any further. He always rejects the offer to come into my hut too, never once seeing the inside and how I’ve decorated it with Marlena’s help.
“It’s almost like I’m making him miserable by being here.” I complain to Marlena one afternoon.
“No, I don’t think it’s that. In fact, I know it’s not. He waited way too long to get you here.” She looks down at the grass in front of her, pulling out a blade and wrapping it around her finger. “He has a lot of responsibility with trying to lead and take care of Rebirth while still rescuing other people. There’s a lot that keeps him distracted.” Marlena will always be the first to come to Gavin’s defense. Despite her and I getting closer, it’s clear she will advocate for Gavin no matter what.
Early one morning, Liam and I are walking out of my hut together, laughing so hard that both of us are bent at the waist, my arm on his arm, our laughter echoing off the trees. Typically we try to be quiet since most people are still asleep, but I had just told Liam about my incident the day before running into a naked Tyler as he was coming out of the pond. Apparently a few of the guys had stolen his clothes, leaving Tyler with nothing to dry off with or to hide his body parts with as he came running through Rebirth. The bewildered look on my face as I told the story was enough to set Liam off in a laughing rage which was contagious.
Wiping tears from my eyes from the amusement, I look up to see Gavin in process of getting food. He was stopped in his tracks, frozen in the air, watching us walk towards him. I let go of Liam’s arm. When I hear Liam’s laugher abruptly stop I don’t have to look over to him to know that he sees Gavin too. Gavin is usually gone by now. He’s never here at this time.
“Hi, Gavin.” I spit out, trying to sound as normal as possible.
Gavin resumes his movement, attentively grabbing the food he needs. One by one, he’s throwing items in a sack, avoiding eye contact. “Hey.”
“Late start this morning?” It sounds like I’m talking to a stranger, not someone that’s been my best friend for over twelve years.
“Yep.”
“You need help with anything, Gavin?” Liam asks.
Gavin throws the flap over his backpack, and stands back up. “No.”. He’s staring straight at Liam, his normally light blue eyes now dark and cold. After a few minutes of silence, he walks past us, his shoulder grazing mine as he pushes by.
“Hold on, okay?” I tell Liam.
Liam nods and continues to walk towards the food storage. “Take your time. I’ll get breakfast started.”
I love how understanding Liam is of everything. I chase after Gavin. “Gavin.” I know he hears me but chooses to ignore me. “Gavin, stop.”
Gavin turns around, a raging fire burning in his eyes. “What?”
“What is your problem? Why would you act like that?”
“How long has this been going on, Evie? I’ve heard people talking but I thought… I thought there’s no way.”
“What are you talking about? We weren’t doing anything!” I exclaim, shocked by Gavin’s obvious accusations.
“He came out of your hut! Do you think I’m stupid?” Gavin’s voice is strained, a delicate balance between shouting and a tone that’s careful to not wake anyone else up.
“I think it’s obvious you don’t have all the facts!” I retort, more careless about what other people may hear than what Gavin is.
Gavin throws his backpack down on the ground. A few grapes roll out, the dirt soaking up the juice. “You expect me to believe a man coming out of your hut this early in the morning doesn’t mean anything?”
“Just because you choose to not visit me, doesn’t mean that when someone does, that something is going on, Gavin! You are so self-absorbed you don’t even know the truth about how things have been for me since I’ve been here!” I am now shouting at the top of my lungs, all of my built up thoughts over the past few months reduced to two sentences.
A few heads poke out of the huts, taking a peak at the commotion that’s occurring. But I don’t care. Gavin needs to hear how ridiculous he’s being and I seem to be the only one that will stand up to him.
Gavin opens his mouth just to close it again. He nods. “Yeah, ok, Evie.” He looks around. “Let’s go somewhere else to talk, okay?”
I want to tell him no. At this point I would much rather continue my happy morning with Liam where frustration and drama doesn’t exist. But if Gavin is willing to talk, I want to take advantage of it after battling him being so silent for much too long. I have things I need to say.
Without speaking, I stomp through the path of huts to the edge of the woods and find a log to sit on. I wait for Gavin to follow and eventually join me. Instead of sitting next to me as he usually does, he sits on the ground, his knees bent, and his eyes lingering on the ground next to him.
“So you two are together now or what?” He’s asking as though the answer is already assumed. His question brings me right back to a few months earlier when Liam asked the same thing about me and Gavin. It makes my temple throb and my ears burn.
I refuse to explain anything that has been occurring between me and Liam to Gavin. There’s no need. Gavin chooses to keep to himself and to keep me blocked out so there’s no reason why I shouldn’t be able to do the same thing. “No.” I respond, keeping my word choice to a minimum.
“What then? Just a casual hook-up?”
“Seriously? What do you take me as? And since when did you decide to suddenly care?” I fire back.
Gavin stops, letting silence fill the air for a few minutes before speaking again. “I have always cared. Don’t you ever doubt that. I just need to know, Evie… have you and Liam done anything or are you really just friends?”
The question is despicable but his genuine way of stating that he cares stops me from showing the rage building up in me. I know he cares about me but he has a foolish way of showing it.
I take a deep breath. “No, we haven’t done anything.” Although it’s a relief that I can be honest with Gavin by that statement, I also feel disappo
inted that over the months, Liam has never made an official move. I have been tempted to many times and thought there were situations where he wanted to as well, but nothing has ever happened. Not yet anyway. “He respects you too much.” As soon as I say it, I know it’s the truth. Although Liam wanted to clarify that Gavin and I were only friends, I know his respect for Gavin is what has always held him back from taking things further with me.
“Oh.” Gavin responds, obviously surprised, either by the fact that Liam and I haven’t done anything or because he was the cause of the lack of action. I watch as a small smile settles on his face. It’s the final push to set me off.
“You have no right to care about what Liam and I do or what we are! He’s been there. He listens to me. He talks to me. Compare that to what you do. Or don’t do for that matter.”
Gavin sighs. “Yeah.”
“That’s all you have to say?” Our battles are always heated, full of shouting words and us shaking in our place in attempt to get the other person to see our point of view. His lack of intensity is a bit disheartening, as though he’s given up on whatever it is we always fight each other over.
“Yeah, it is. Sorry. I just- I don’t know how to say anything else right now. One of us will have to give.” Gavin stands up and gives a slight shrug of his shoulders. “All I can hope is that someday you’ll get it.” He doesn’t kiss my forehead this time. He turns around and walks away, leaving me alone on the log to dissect the conversation that took place.
I fight back tears in my eyes. I don’t understand. I severely want for things to be the way they used to be. I always knew what I was getting with Gavin; I always knew what to expect, what I could depend on. Now, it’s all over the place. When I didn’t feel anything, it was all so simple. Now I feel so much that’s all directed towards him. He frustrates me to the point where I fight the desire to push him away but in the same breath, all I want to do is crawl up in his arms, feel his lips on my forehead, and know everything’s going to be okay.
“Ahhhh!” I push myself up from the log, letting my anger out in one single cry. Why does he always make me feel this way? At least with Liam I know how I’m going to feel. I need to get back to him. I need that consistency right now more than anything else.
I run back to the Center, dodging the people that are starting to come out from their huts in the morning air, trying not to think about which ones heard the discussion between Gavin and I.
Checking the food storage and cooking area, Liam is nowhere to be found. I run back to my place, but he’s not in there either. Popping my head back out of the hut, I catch sight of Benjamin. “Hey, Ben.” I call out. “Have you seen Liam this morning?”
Benjamin throws his towel on his other shoulder and says, “Not today. I’m sure him and Nate are out by now.”
“Yeah, okay, thanks.” I lean against the bamboo, aggravated that I’ve lost Liam for the morning. The chill of the stalk is cooling the sweat that’s accumulating on my back.
“Good morning!” Marlena’s cheerful voice makes me turn my head in her direction. She is walking towards me, her brown hair down on her shoulders and wet, glistening in the morning sun. “Did I hear you ask about Liam?”
I nod. I haven’t been able to tell her about all the conflicting feelings with Gavin and Liam yet. I don’t feel right sharing those until I can get them sorted out myself. Times like this, I wish I could. It would be nice to have someone else that can help me through these situations.
“When I was heading to the pond, I saw Gavin grab Liam and they walked out towards the hunting grounds together. I’m assuming they’re working on filling the meat lockers today.”
No. This can’t be happening. I close my eyes, pinching the skin of my forehead. Facing Marlena, my eyes are wide, my voice dripping in distress. “I need your help. We need to find them. Gavin is… upset and I don’t think Liam is the best company for him.”
Marlena is the best kind of friend. She doesn’t ask questions when she knows she shouldn’t and can always be counted on. As soon as she hears my plea, she drops everything in her hands, gives an engaged nod, and follows me as I run out of Rebirth, heading towards the hunting grounds.
She’s fast. Liam and I had gone on several runs together over the past few months but Marlena starts outpacing me and I’m struggling to keep up. I didn’t know she had that in her but shouldn’t be surprised at the same time. She seems to be able to do all things perfectly.
We take turns yelling out “Gavin” and “Liam” as we run through the woods. We check the hunting grounds, the lake, and some of the key spots for herb picking. There are no traces of either one of them.
After a couple of hours, we are both leaning over, hands on our knees, trying to catch our breath.
“What do you want to do?” Marlena asks. She’s sweet to still leave it up to me. I know if I asked her to keep looking she would. But if we haven’t found them now, the chances are going to keep getting slimmer.
“Let’s go back.” I admit in defeat.
She nods and gives me a little smile. “Hey,” she puts her arm around my shoulder. “It’ll all be okay. Everything will work out the way it should.” In that statement, I have to look at her to make sure she isn’t Jacqueline. That’s exactly something Jacqueline would have said. Funny how my life can be so different here but yet crossover in many ways with my old life back in Impetus. “Race you back?”
“I don’t know…” I start to say and then dash off towards Rebirth, trying to get a head start on her.
I can hear Marlena’s laughter behind me and it doesn’t take her long to catch up with me. She keeps my pace but as Rebirth appears in our sight, she breaks out in a sprint. I try to chase after her but am much too winded. I arrive in Rebirth a minute after her. By that time, I see she has stopped and is in a conversation with someone.
“Liam!” I cry out and it’s enough motivation for me to increase the speed on my final few steps.
He looks extremely happy to see me but the look is mixed with one of confusion on his face. “Hey Evangeline. Sorry about our morning being ruined.”
“No, worries at all.” I’m trying my hardest to steady my breathing. I’m sure I’m sweaty and streaked with dirt from all the running through the forest. The last thing he needs to see on top of it is me about to pass out from trying to keep up with Marlena. “Where have you been?”
“I told him we were looking for him. It’s a good reason for him to feel special.” Marlena interjects, giving me a little wink that I’m sure Liam saw as well.
“Gavin wanted to show me… things.” Now I know why the confused look is on his face.
“More details, please?” Marlena says sweetly. It’s hard to not give her what she’s asking for when she uses that voice.
Liam shrugs, in obvious debate of how much he can share. “He just mentioned that there needs to be a back-up here. In case anything should happen to him…” Liam looks uncomfortable. He’s looking more at Marlena than he is as at me. “So he showed me what he does when he’s away… and what needs to be done around here.”
“He showed you… everything?” Marlena is in awe as though she’s looking at an alien that came and told us there’s a whole new planet.
“Yeah.” Liam gulps. “Or at least I think so.”
“But you can’t tell us anything.” I state matter-of-factly. Already Liam’s body language to me has changed. It’s become more like Gavin.
He finally turns to look directly at me. “No. I’m sorry Evangeline. I promised him. Once you know everything, it makes sense.”
“I won’t know everything, though, right? None of us will except the ones that Gavin deems worthy of knowing. It’s like we’re back in Impetus- forced to believe in a system that we don’t even understand.” I turn my back on them and walk to my hut.
“Evangeline-“ Liam starts to say, but Marlena cuts him off with her soft voice.
“No, let her be.”
Once inside, I pull my curta
in completely closed and hope that no one tries to follow me. Gavin played the game well. He could have yelled at Liam or told him to leave me alone but instead he did something much worse. He gave Liam the secondary power of Rebirth and told him secrets that have put a wedge between me and Gavin, so now they will put the same wedge between me and Liam. How strategic of him.
Gavin keeps trying to control me as though he has the right. He may have saved me from Impetus but he’s using a lot of the same techniques in trying to keep me with certain boundaries. I’m not going to live like that again. I’m going to make him give me answers if it’s the last thing I do.
CHAPTER 27
After spending all day in my hut, avoiding everyone of Rebirth, I decide another day can’t pass. I have to corner Gavin and get him to talk to me. I need him to stop shutting me out and trying to control me. It’s essential that we decide how we can best save everyone in Impetus soon. It can’t wait any longer.
I’ll put the plan that I’ve been contemplating for months into play tomorrow morning. I’m somewhat sad that another morning will go by that Liam and I won’t have our usual routine. However, I’m not sure if he will even come into my hut now after what Gavin has shared with him. Things might change. Instead of letting that happen, I’m going to take matters into my own hands.
That night, I fight hard against sleep, striving to stay awake. I doze in and out but my body manages to stay alert. When I hear rustling outside, energy pumps through my body as I jump out of my cot. Crouching behind my door curtain, I watch Gavin go to the supply hut as he fills up a backpack, then turns back to hike his standard morning route. This time, though, I follow.
We take several twists and turns out of Rebirth, going deep into the woods. It’s slightly eerie out here with only the dim of the morning light. I am in awe as Gavin easily maneuvers his way through it all without a compass as though he could do it with his eyes close.
After several miles, the sky is much lighter and the landscape looks somewhat familiar. The foliage has changed to strong, tall lean trees that grow closely together and seem to grow for infinity- similar to what I was used to seeing in my time at Impetus. After another mile, our clearing that we used to have our meetings at appear. He’s going back to our old spot.
The Remedy Files: Illusion Page 20
