by K. C. Hilton
Then it all came back like a recurring nightmare, and Collin felt as if someone had just punched him, knocked the wind out of his lungs. Today was indeed his parents’ anniversary. The anniversary of their deaths. George and Betty had been killed on Joey’s graduation day, one year ago today.
The police report had stated that the car explosion was a freak accident. A leaking fuel line, to be more precise.
Collin had never forgiven himself for that freak accident. The car had belonged to him. It should have been he who had died in that explosion. But Collin hadn’t been the one to turn the key in the ignition. That had been George. The car exploded while it stood in the driveway of their home, and their parents were killed instantly while Collin had been safe in their home.
Over the next year, Collin took up drinking, not wanting to do much of anything. His guilt over knowing that he should have been the one that was killed, not his parents, took over his soul.
As his penance, Collin was given a huge responsibility: taking care of Joey. Although Joey was a year out of high school, he still needed looking after, and Collin wasn’t doing a very good job at it.
* * *
Morgan
It had been nearly a year since George and Betty died. Yet Morgan continued to visit Collin and Joey every day. On her days off work she did some shopping for them and helped Joey clean the house. Every evening Morgan either cooked dinner or ordered take-out. Then she and Joey ate on the back patio. Sometimes they talked for hours.
“I still can’t believe they’re gone,” Joey said one night. “That it’s been almost an entire year. It feels like another lifetime.”
They were eating pizza and listening to the shushing of the ocean. It was comforting to know that at least that one thing would never change.
“Me, either,” Morgan said.
“Is Collin going to eat tonight?”
Morgan shook her head and stared out over the ocean. “No. He said he wasn’t hungry,” she replied vaguely. That wasn’t a surprise. Collin rarely ate anymore. He had lost so much weight during the past year that his clothes hung loose and looked oversized.
“What’s on your mind, Morgan?” Joey asked gently.
She looked at him for moment, hesitating as if she weren’t sure how much to share. She wasn’t used to burdening him because she’d known him as a kid before. But now he was a man. He’d been forced to become one all on his own. He tried to encourage her with a nod.
“It’s just that … ” she said, then hesitated before going on. When she did, her words came slowly and her eyes drifted towards Collin’s boat. “It’s hard to talk to him now.”
“Yeah, I know,” Joey said, trying to inject a little humor into the mood. “He hardly talks to me, but then again I love to aggravate him. I’m pretty loud in the mornings, and I do it on purpose. If he’s still on his boat when I’m ready to leave, I do my best to wake him up, banging and yelling until he can’t help but hear me. It usually pisses him off enough to at least yell a few choice words at me. I know it’s not much, but at least he’s saying something. It’s better than nothing, I suppose.”
“I’ve tried talking to him, Joey,” Morgan said, bringing her attention back to the table. “I understand he doesn’t want to talk about what happened. If I bring it up, he only gets angry. Yesterday he told me to mind my own business and ignored me until I left, and I hadn’t even asked him about that in particular. I mean, he doesn’t even want to hear about my day or the news or our friends, or talk about anything.”
“I’m sorry Morgan,” Joey said. “He’s the same with me.”
Morgan gazed back at Collin’s boat. “I miss our talks. We used to be so close. We’d talk all the time, about anything and everything, sometimes staying up all night just talking. We had big plans. The happy Collin I once knew no longer exists, and I really miss him. I want to hold him, reassure him, but he hasn’t touched me since the accident. No kisses, no hugs, no nothing. We would’ve been married by now, you know? I bet you didn’t know we were saving to buy a house.”
Joey didn’t say anything. He felt sorry for Morgan because she was obviously trying so hard. And for what?
“Deep down I know it’s not going to happen anymore. That part of my life will never happen,” Morgan said, then quickly wiped a stray tear from her cheek. “It breaks my heart to see Collin like this. I keep hoping that he’ll snap out of it, but he barely talks to me. And when he does talk, it’s like he’s not really there.
“Yeah, he ignores the calls from the fishing tourists, too. He doesn’t want to talk to anyone or do anything,” Joey said.
“I haven’t seen Collin laugh or smile in almost a year. I’ve slowly watched his depression progress into something deeper than I could ever have imagined. It’s not healthy,” Morgan said, twisting the napkin between her fingers. “He started drinking to help ease the pain. That’s what he said, anyway. It’s one of the worst excuses I’ve ever heard. But I know better. I’m a nurse. I’ve seen a lot of things. He needs some counseling to overcome this grief, but he refuses to talk about doing that.”
“I could try to talk to him,” Joey said. “Maybe if I make him mad enough, he’d see one.” Joey tried to laugh to ease the seriousness of the conversation, but it fell flat.
It bothered Joey seeing his brother this way. Collin looked awful lately with his hair uncombed and his face unshaven. Joey had actually boarded his boat that morning and it stunk. He wasn’t sure if the smell came from all the garbage strewn around the deck, or if it came from Collin. Crushed beer cans lay scattered around and the trash that overflowed with molding food. Joey thought about throwing his brother overboard, since Collin obviously wasn’t showering.
“Collin’s depression is getting to me,” Morgan admitted, her words almost a whisper. “I need to make a decision or I’ll be the one needing to seek counseling.”
“What do you mean?”
“I worry about Collin so much that it’s affecting my job. My supervisor suggested that I should take some time off work, but I refused because if I did, I know I’d just be here, looking after Collin. And all he does is drink and sleep, so what’s the point?”
“What decision are you talking about?” Joey asked.
“I don’t think Collin wants me to come around anymore. When he does notice me, it’s like he doesn’t care if I stay or go. I feel like I’m in the way,” Morgan said softly.
Joey sat quietly, waiting. He knew what she was about to say, and it hurt, thinking of what Collin had done to her. She’d been taking care of him and Collin for nearly a year, and Joey had wondered why she’d stuck around so long. Collin had destroyed his relationship with Morgan, and Joey wondered if Collin even cared. Or if he even knew.
Morgan dropped her head into her hands and rubbed her fingers against her head, as if trying to ease the tension. “He shrugs away when I try to touch his arm or brush the hair out of his eyes. He doesn’t even want me to touch him! I thought I was strong enough to handle all of this. I thought I could help Collin through this and get us back to the way things were. But I was wrong.”
“It’s not your fault, Morgan,” Joey said.
“I don’t think Collin would even know if I broke off our engagement, you know? Deep down I want to believe he still loves me, but his depression has taken over his life. I don’t know him anymore,” Morgan said, then gave up and started to cry.
Joey had never been good with crying women, and it upset him to see Morgan do it. He felt useless. He handed her a napkin and didn’t say a word.
Morgan wiped her tears and tried to speak calmly. “I love Collin with all my heart, but I have no other choice. I have to end our relationship. The Collin I once knew no longer exists. Maybe one day he’ll find his way back to me, maybe not. I’m going to miss him, and it’ll be hard. That’s for sure. But he can’t … he can’t ever say I didn’t try.”
“No, he can’t,” Joey said quietly.
Morgan helped Joey clean up the dinner d
ishes, then gave Joey a hug.
“Joey, I hate to leave you like this. You’ve become like a brother to me. But I can’t stay, and I think you know that.”
“I do. But I’ll miss you, Morgan. He’ll never know how good he had it or how badly he wrecked it.”
She gave him a crooked smile and hugged him again. Tears rolled down her face, wetting his own cheeks.
“I will always love him,” Morgan told him, her voice muffled in his shoulder. “But he’s dragging me down with him. I can’t live like this anymore.”
Eventually she let go. She touched Joey’s cheek with her fingertips and looked him in the eyes, then took a deep breath before going on. “I’m sorry, Joey. I just can’t do this anymore. Goodbye. Take care of yourself.”
Morgan turned, wiping the tears from her face with her fingers. She didn’t look back as she headed through the house and toward her car. Joey read her posture, her steps, and knew there was nothing casual in the way she left. She walked that way, tall and without any hesitation, because she was afraid she would change her mind and stay. But she got in her car and drove away. And never came back.
Sometimes Joey wondered if Collin even knew Morgan had gone.
Chapter 10
Collin stopped all fishing excursions. He became reclusive, irritable and withdrawn, isolating himself for long periods at a time. A few days, a week, it didn’t matter to Collin. Time meant nothing. He just didn’t care about anything anymore.
Joey decided not to go to college. He told Collin he had decided to wait, not that Collin cared at all. Joey told him he just needed a little more time to sort things out before moving forward with his education.
In truth, Joey wanted to make sure Collin was okay. Yes, Collin was the one who was supposed to take care of Joey, but it had ended up being the other way around. After Morgan left, it was up to Joey to take care of Collin. There was no way Joey could abandon his brother and go off to college. Maybe he could go to college when Collin was back to his old self. But until then, Joey wasn’t going, no matter how long it took.
Collin never pushed the college issue. He knew Joey was right. He could attend college when he was good and ready. Collin didn’t know Joey’s real reason. He thought the trauma had left Joey confused and angry, preventing him from moving on. Collin even wondered if Joey blamed himself for their parents’ death because it was because of Joey’s high school graduation that they were driving in the first place. If Joey hadn’t been graduating, they wouldn’t have died.
When Collin was lucid, he was consumed by thoughts of that dreadful day. If only his dad had purchased the battery he needed for their car. If only Collin had taken the time to have his own vehicle maintained and serviced. If only Joey’s graduation had been on a different day. If only this and if only that … if only he could turn back time, things would be different.
Joey handled the death of his parents far better than Collin did. He woke up early every morning, chipper as usual. Though he’d postponed entry, he was still eager to someday head to college, and left the house every day to go to the library. He studied as if it were a job, reading and keeping up with the latest research books and magazines. When the day came for college, Joey promised himself that he would be more than ready.
Joey also had a social life. He occasionally even went on a few dates. He took care of the house and did the little things that needed to be done. Like their father, Joey wasn’t able to sit still for long. He had to be doing something constantly, whatever that might be.
Joey was sitting at the kitchen table when Collin stumbled through the back door of the house, holding his head. He was still spending most of his time on his boat, which was fine with Joey. “Where’s the Tylenol? I have a headache.”
Collin always had a headache. Every day, as a matter of fact. Joey sighed. He was flipping through a new book on coral reefs he’d just picked up the other day. “It’s on the shelf. Exactly where you left it yesterday.” Joey looked up, recognized the familiar, rumpled look on his brother’s face and sighed again. He decided to try anyway. “Are you going to work on the yacht today? It’s going to be a great day. We could go get some more supplies if you need, and I’d be glad to help.”
“One day,” Morgan had said, and Joey has never forgotten those words. Yes, my brother. One day you will wake up again.
“No, not today,” Collin mumbled. He filled a glass with water, preparing to take his first dose of Tylenol for the day. “I have other things to do.”
Joey slammed his fist on the table, finally losing patience. “You know what, Collin? You always have other things to do! But here’s the thing. I don’t see you doing anything! Nothing! All you do is drink. You never used to drink. And I’m sick of it. I’m sick of your whole self-serving attitude, the whole poor me thing you’re doing! They were my parents too, you know!” Joey shouted.
Collin winced and placed a hand on his forehead.
Joey was on a roll and decided to keep on going. “You don’t see me moping around, feeling sorry for myself. Grow up, man. You’re twenty-five years old, for Christ’s sake! I’m only nineteen and I know you’re acting like a baby.”
Joey stood up, gaining momentum. He moved closer to Collin and jabbed one finger into his brother’s chest. “You’re supposed to be the adult, Collin. But in case you haven’t noticed, I’m the one taking care of you. What would Mom and Dad say if they could see you now?”
“Look, you little bastard!” Collin roared, and Joey noticed a vein pressing against his brother’s forehead. He didn’t recall that being there before. In fact, he didn’t remember even seeing so much red in Collin’s face until recently. “You don’t have to take care of me! I’m doing just fine!” Collin turned away, hacking until his face went red.
Chapter 11
Collin’s health had become a priority for Joey. It hurt him to look at his older brother these days. He was always sleeping, his skin seemed blotchy, almost puffy. He was always weak, tired and, though Joey knew Collin would hate the very idea of it, he seemed almost fragile.
Collin was broken. He needed help, but Joey knew he would never ask for it. Was he sick with something other than grief and guilt? Joey didn’t know how to tell. Collin wouldn’t have told Joey anything anyway.
Because he didn’t know what else to do about it, Joey made sure the house was stocked with different over-the-counter medicines so Collin would have them just in case. He also filled the fridge and cabinets with healthy food so there’d be no danger of Collin eating the wrong things. He couldn’t think of what other steps to take.
Collin never made mention of any of it, nor did he acknowledge that Joey was now taking care of the household. But Joey knew Collin ate some of the food. He also knew Collin came in the house when he was gone. Somehow that was comforting. Collin might not want to talk to anyone, but at least Joey knew he wasn’t lying around in bed all day. He wanted to make sure this kind of progress continued, so he always left the house vacant for at least part of the day, every day. That was another reason he headed out to the library each day, besides wanting to hang with some of his friends.
But this morning Joey’d had just about enough. He’d done everything he could, and he’d been more patient than anyone could have expected him to be. He wanted to make a point this morning, whether Collin’s head was up for it or not. He had to let off some steam or he might explode.
“Oh, yeah,” he said with a sneer, taunting him. At least if he could get a rise out of Collin he’d feel more alive. He hadn’t backed off when Collin had yelled, and there was no way he was going to now. “You sure do look like you’re doing fine. Do you remember what you promised me? You said you were going to fix up the yacht. You said you were going to take me away, that you and I were going to get out of this place and sail around the world. Forget everything that had happened and be happy, out on the water, just you and me. That’s what you said.”
Joey’s hands tightened into fists. He wanted to shake some sort of s
ense back into Collin. “Were you lying to me? Come on, you idiot. It’s been a year. An entire year. I’ve been waiting a year! Is that day ever going to come? Answer me, you fucking drunk!”
The room was quiet, but to Joey it sounded as if his voice echoed forever. Adrenaline roared through his system, making his hands shake as he stared down his brother.
Collin didn’t answer. He just stood there, looking dazed. After a moment, he took a deep breath, but still looked straight ahead, past Joey. Joey could almost hear him thinking and wanted to whoop with happiness. Maybe he’d gotten through! Maybe something would happen today.
Collin’s eyes focused on Joey again. When he spoke it was calm. “When it’s time, I’ll tell you. Then we’ll leave, no looking back. We’ll just go, leave everything behind. I’ll tell you when it’s time.”
Joey stared at him, so angry he wanted to shake his brother silly. “Sounds like a bunch of bullshit to me!” he shouted. He headed towards the front door, grabbing his wallet from the hall table as he went. He glared back over his shoulder at Collin. “I’m going to get the damn mail. Do me a favor, would you, brother?” he said mockingly. “Try to pull yourself together. And do me another one. Take a shower. You smell like a fucking brewery!”
Joey stormed out, slamming the door behind him so hard that the picture frames rattled on the wall.
Collin stared down the empty hallway, exhaling through loose lips. He felt worn down as thin as he could go.
“I think that went rather well,” Collin mumbled to himself, then turned away.
* * *
“Damn it! What am I doing wasting my time here? He’s nothing but a self-pitying, self-centered jackass,” Joey said to himself.
He shoved his hands into the front pockets of his shorts and stared at the ground, kicking every stone he saw as he walked down the long driveway toward the mailbox. He didn’t expect there to be any mail. He just needed to get a bit of fresh air. The mail was an excuse to walk out and gain a little self-control before he ended up strangling his miserable waste of a brother.
