by Zoë Ferraris
She froze in the act of setting her glass on the mat. She didn’t look at him at first, but he was watching her intently enough to see discomfort stealing across her face. She set the glass down and took a breath.
“Nayir…”
She was struggling. He wanted to tell her that the reason he hadn’t spoken to her for those months was that he’d been afraid, and that the fear was overwhelming, huge and amorphous, too much to explain even to himself. But seeing her again had made him realize that he wanted her. He only hoped that it wasn’t too late. He felt a momentary weakness, then a whooshing sensation as certainty filled him.
“Katya,” he said, “I know I’m not perfect, and I might not be right for you. I know you love your job. And it might be difficult to have children when you work so much. But I think we can do it. We can find a way.” She still wasn’t looking at him. He lowered his head to hers, trying to encourage her to meet his gaze, but she kept staring resolutely at the mat.
“Katya.”
She swallowed, looking scared. And without knowing how it happened, he reached out to her cheek, turning her face to his. Her cheek was warm, and soft. She didn’t resist. When her eyes met his, he saw that they were wet, that she looked frightened. An impulse that came from every part of his body made him lean closer, pausing as their noses touched in case she backed away—but she didn’t, so he kissed her, gently at first, their dry lips touching, then more insistently, while pinpoints of light exploded inside him.
Katya was the first to pull away from the kiss.
“Nayir,” she said softly, amazed at herself but even more amazed at him. So it was true what they said: too much repression will lead a man straight into sin. She put a hand to her mouth and gave a short, nervous laugh of surprise.
Five minutes before, she had been vaguely uncomfortable, not certain that Nayir was enjoying himself. At one moment, he’d looked spectacularly anxious. And now she knew why. Of course she should have seen it coming. He would never have asked her out on a date for any other reason. Her first thought had been resentful, but the softness of his voice, the touch of his hand on her cheek, had unleashed a kind of frenzied rebelliousness in both of them. She didn’t know what she was doing anymore, only that her body was doing it and that her mind seemed to have become lost in a dust storm.
She sat up, picked up her juice glass, set it down again. I’m sorry, she almost blurted, but she wasn’t sorry, she was scared. Marriage? To Nayir? Visions of her mother flashed through her mind, the disappointments, the frustrations. Ummi had thought she had married a more open-minded man. Katya, on the other hand, knew just what she was dealing with.
“Nayir,” she began. “I don’t…”
“You’re afraid,” he said. “I am, too.”
Surprised, she pushed on. “I need to know that you’ll respect me. My job. And everything else I might want to do.” She met his eyes as she said it, and he didn’t look away. “I just need to know —”
“I shall not lose sight,” he whispered. It was a tender sound, and the tone of his voice made her realize that he was quoting Quran. “I shall not lose sight of the labor of any of you…” She recognized the quote then; he didn’t have to finish it:… who labors in My way, be it man or woman; each of you is equal to the other.
She felt a tear threatening to spill onto her cheek. “I can’t make this decision right away,” she said.
“You don’t have to answer today,” he assured her.
When she found the nerve to look into his eyes again, she saw that he understood.
They walked back along the sidewalk to Nayir’s car, uncertain what to say to each other. Katya was beyond thought, and as the silence dragged on, another power took hold. Chemical stimuli, the warmth of the breeze caressing their bodies, picnicking families hanging about them like charms. Fertile, messy bliss. She felt an inkling of hope that she might find happiness after all. She drew closer to him and carefully, so that no one would notice, brushed her arm against his.
He smiled and kept walking.
GLOSSARY
abaaya —a long, loose black cloak worn by women in Saudi Arabia
Ahlan wa’sahlan —welcome (hard to translate exactly; loosely, it’s something like “family and familiar comforts”). Slightly more formal than marhaba.
Allah Akbar —“God is great”
Allah yarhamha —loosely translated, “God rest her soul”
‘aql —intelligence
‘Asr —the third of the five daily Muslim prayers
aywa —yes
balela —a salad of chickpeas, black beans, and spices
barzakh —an intermediate state after physical death when the soul separates from the body
biryani —a rice and meat–based dish cooked with spices
Bism’allah, ar-rahman, ar-rahim —“In the name of Allah, most gracious, most merciful,” the opening phrase of a Muslim prayer
burqa (also niqaab) —in the Gulf countries, burqa refers to a veil that covers a woman’s face; not to be confused with the enveloping outer garment, also called a burqa, worn by women in other Muslim countries
Dhuhr —the fourth of the five daily Muslim prayers
djinn (plural djinni) —a genie
fatwa —a religious opinion or edict issued by a Muslim cleric
habibti —(to a woman) “my love”
Hadith —the collected narratives about the prophet Mohammed
hajj —the pilgrimage to Mecca
hajji —pilgrim
halal —kosher, permissible by Islamic law
haraam —forbidden by Islamic law
hayati —“my life,” a term of endearment
hijab or hijaab —the headscarf worn by Muslim women to cover their hair; also, Muslim women’s dress in general
hookah —a water pipe used for smoking tobacco
hur —plural of houri, which means an alluring, beautiful woman
‘iqal —a loop of black cord used to fix the male headscarf onto the head
istiqara —a type of prayer that asks for guidance in difficult matters
Kaaba —the black monument in the center of the holy mosque, the Masjid al-Haram, in Mecca
khulwa —a state of seclusion
laa —no
majlis —literally “a place of sitting”; any gathering place, typically a living room or an assembly hall
marra —woman
masahif —plural of mashaf, a codex
miswak —twigs or roots from the Arak tree used for natural tooth cleansing
misyar —a marriage institution in Islam whereby a man can have a wife without financial responsibility
mubeen —purity
mujahideen —freedom fighters
mutawwa (plural mutaween) —religious policemen from the Committee for the Protection of Virtue and the Prevention of Vice in Saudi Arabia
Najd —the central region of Saudi Arabia
na-mehram —unfamiliar
qasama —to divide
qismah —fate or kismet
rakat —a verse of prayer
Ramadan —the yearly month of fasting in Islamic religious tradition
Salaam alaikum —a greeting, literally “peace be with you”
Sall llahu’ alayhi wa sallam —“peace be upon Him,” said when mentioning the name of the prophet Mohammed
Shahada —the recitation of the phrase “There is no God but Allah, and Mohammed is His Prophet,” which is required in order to become a Muslim
shawarma —a sandwich of slices of shaved rotisserie meat, lettuce, cucumber, tomato, and sauce folded together in a pita bread
sharwaya —“shepherd”
shaytin —a kind of evil genie
shumagh —a red-and-white-checkered headscarf worn by men
souq —an outdoor market, any commercial marketplace
sura —a chapter of the Quran
tisbah al-khayr —“good night”
zabiba —a raisin-shaped bump or callus on the
forehead that develops after a lifetime of touching one’s forehead to the ground during prayer
zina —a type of crime in Islamic law involving extramarital sex
ZOË FERRARIS moved to Saudi Arabia in the aftermath of the first Gulf War to live with her then husband and his extended family of Saudi-Palestinian Bedouin. She has an MFA from Columbia University and is the author of one previous novel, Finding Nouf. She now lives in San Francisco and Lexington, Kentucky.
