“She took so much from you,” I say in a whisper. “You're magnificent and she took the ability for you to see that in yourself away when she dumped you like an animal unworthy of her love. I could kill her and never feel bad about it.”
“Don’t say that, please.” She wraps her arms around herself. “She’s a weak person and not capable of love herself. I can’t fault her. I can’t blame her. It’s just what life had in store for me. When I was sixteen she came to Christmas, and I asked her who my father was.”
“So you know who your father is? We should find him,” I say.
“No, she said she didn’t know who he was. She was drunk most of the time and slept with random men. Many she didn’t even know their names. She said she never wanted to pin me on anyone anyway. It was her burden to bear and hers alone. She found me too much of a burden and had to leave me at that children’s home.”
I hold in what I want to say as she obviously thinks she’s forgiven her mother for her awful deed. I rub her shoulder though and try to comfort her though she thinks she needs none.
“So, no father. Okay. Well, what about your mother now? I mean she’s alive and what’s stopping you two from finding a relationship now?” I ask.
“She still drinks too much for me to be able to stand to be around her. The last time I saw her was two years ago. By ten in the morning she was stumbling drunk and still held a bottle of cheap Vodka in her shaking hand. I’m not sure why she has to stay so drunk all the time. But I’m sure it has a lot to do with the men she lets into her life.”
“Tell me about some of the men you let into your life, baby.” I don’t really want to know, but she needs to see she lives a parallel life to her mother’s and maybe if she talks about it, she’ll realize it.
“You really don’t want to know about any of them. Some were a little mean and others a little abusive. And all saw fit to stop seeing me with no explanation what-so-ever.” She shakes her head, slowly. “And you will too.”
“Are you positive that all of them broke it off with you? Because I’d like to know how you think it went with us. I mean how do you look at the way you and I parted ways?”
“I stopped it before it had a real chance to start.” She wraps her arms tighter around herself. “I don’t feel like what you and I had was a relationship. At that point it hadn’t begun yet.”
“I told you I loved you, but you felt it hadn’t begun. Okay, Rachelle, do you see how that’s anything but true?” I tap her shoulder with my finger and she looks at it.
“Well, not exactly. I mean, I hadn’t said it to you and we hadn’t talked about it, not really.”
I let out a huff and have to wonder if she’s got it in her to love anyone. Something in me says I need to help her and I’ll be rewarded in the end, but my self-preservation says to run like hell.
“Okay, so how did you and the last guy you dated break up? Really dig deep, Rachelle.”
After a few minutes of her silently contemplating, she says, “He took me to dinner with his parents. I was quiet, like I always am when I meet new people. Afterwards when he was taking me back home to my apartment he got on to me. He told me his parents thought I was rude. I told him that I couldn’t change a thing about how I am. He just didn’t call or come around after that.”
“And you feel like he dumped you?” I ask as she has to be in denial about so many things.
She looks at me like I’m crazy. “Well, yeah. I mean he stopped calling or coming around, didn’t he?”
“Did you attempt to get in contact with him?”
“No. That’s not my job, is it? I mean, if he liked me, he’d make the attempt, right?” she asks as her face goes all quizzical.
“Did you like him?” I ask.
“Kind of. I mean, he was okay. He did a few things I didn’t like. He was possessive and controlling. He tried to make me do things I didn’t want to. Eat some things I didn’t want to.” She makes a disgusted face at some memory this conversation has conjured up in her mind.
“Tell me about it.”
“Little, squirmy things at a Chinese restaurant. He yelled at me when I refused to eat a bite of the crap. And in bed, not that you want to hear this, but he was demanding and I don’t like to be made to do things. I like to make up my own mind about doing certain things and he made me feel like I owed it to him to do some things. It made me feel cheap.”
The fucking bastard! I shouldn’t have even asked. My hand goes into a fist and I have to take in a deep breath. “That is exactly why you need me in your life, baby. I’ll make sure that kind of thing never happens to you again.”
She looks up at me and her arms unfold. Her hand runs over my cheek and her eyes go vulnerable as she gazes at me. “I know you would be the best thing for me. It’s me who isn’t the best thing for you, Blake. Try to understand that I’m doing this for you.”
I take her hand and kiss her fingertips. “Please, Rachelle. Just let me love you. Let me be the person who helps you. I’m begging you to let me in.”
Her lips quiver and I lean in and place mine on hers, trying to take all her pain and insecurities away with my kiss, with my love. Her arms go slowly around my neck and she kisses me back.
Saltiness invades our kiss as she cries silently. The hurt in her is so deep that the truth is I may not be able to get her to get past it. But I have to try.
Lord knows I have to try!
Rachelle
Blake holds me as we lie on the sofa and he kisses me gently. His body is over mine and the comfort it brings me should fill me with happiness, instead it fills me with dread.
I dread when this will end, which it surely will. He’s pointed out that it’s me who has stopped at least one of my relationships. All this time I thought it was always the men I was involved with. But he’s right, at least once, it was me.
With no idea of when I’m doing the destructive things I do, how can I pull him into my fucked up life?
He’s perfect, and sweet. His happy-go-lucky attitude is bright and cheery and I would only make a black spot in his beautiful demeanor. He doesn’t deserve that.
As hard as it is to admit, I belong with men who are just as messed up as I am. Jack asses who can’t commit, just like me. People who can’t give all of themselves because they don’t have it to give.
Blake is a knight in shining armor, a real live prince. I’m not the princess he deserves. I’m the maid, the person who cooks and cleans. I’m beneath him in so many ways.
I cannot let him think about me anymore. It’s time to do what I do best and run him off. I push at his chest and he releases my lips. My body is aching for him but I can’t allow that to happen again.
“I need you to leave, Blake.”
Hurt fills his beautiful eyes and I can hardly stand it. “But, Rachelle, baby, please don’t do this.”
I press harder and he sits up. “I can’t do this. I can’t live a lie. I can hurt you now or later. I don’t feel it’s right to lead you on any longer. Whatever this is, it’s over now.”
His face goes pale, and he looks away from me and reaches down to put his shoes back on. “You know what, Rachelle? You’re right! It is over! You’re too far gone. Hard to believe at a mere twenty-one-years that you’re too far gone, but you are.”
“You don’t have to be mean,” I say with a quiver to my voice. “I’m not trying to be mean to you after all. I’m saving you from a hurt worse than this one. I’m doing it because of much I do care for you.”
A loud huffing sound he makes, and he stands up after putting his shoes on. “Thanks for the favor, doll. Thanks for the good times. I’ll leave you the hell alone like you think you want!”
I look down and can’t help but thinking I’m making a mistake, a horrible mistake. “Blake, I hope you can understand one day. I’m a person who doesn’t have what you’re looking for, what you deserve.”
His cheeks are red and his eyes have more pain in them than I meant for there to be. “I deserve y
ou. I can be the other half of you and you can be the other half of me. You and I are meant to be, Rachelle. And how dare you take the chance we’ve been given away. All on your own! But you have and I guess there is really no more to say.”
I follow him to the door and fight myself not to tell him I’m an idiot and I’m sorry and that he should stay, like forever or something. “Blake, I really am sorry it has to be this way. This hurts me….”
He interrupts me as he puts his hand in my face. “Don’t, Rachelle. Don’t you dare say this hurts you worse than it hurts me because it clearly doesn’t. If it hurt you as bad as it’s killing me, you’d never do it. I’d never do what you’re doing to me, to anyone. Not my worst enemy, Rachelle. Goodbye, forever!”
The door slams behind him and I fall against it as I lock it and find I’m sobbing.
What have I done?
Part 4 Luck in Love
By Michelle Love
Rachelle
Kicking my bare feet in the warm water of Peyton and Kip’s heated swimming pool I lean back on my palms and look up at the sun through my dark sunglasses.
Peyton pulls Pax around in a little inflatable dragon float and he splashes away at the water and kicks his little feet. She looks at me and sighs. “So that’s it then? No more Blake. I really liked the guy, Shelly.”
“Me too, that’s what the problem was. And the fact he liked me so much. I mean what the hell’s wrong with the guy?” I kick at the water and frown.
A laugh comes from Peyton and she splashes me. “So you think there’s something wrong with him because he likes you? Now tell me why there would need to be something wrong with someone if they like you. I mean, I like you. Is there something wrong with me?”
“No, it’s different with you. I mean, it’s not a romantic relationship. It’s hard to explain, Peyton. It’s like he’s going to need more than I have to give, you know?”
She laughs. “Damn! What’s the guy gotta have you don’t have? Three boobs on a woman?”
Pax says, “Damn, damn, damn.” As he floats around and Peyton slaps a hand over her mouth. “Boobs, ha ha, boobs,”
A laugh escapes me and I quickly apologize. “Sorry, it’s just that it sounds so cute coming out of a baby’s mouth. I know I’m wrong though.”
“Kip is going to be so mad at me. I’m always on his bobo to watch his mouth and here I’ve taught the baby three bad words in as many days.” She frowns.
“Hey, let me let you in on a little secret. Kip taught him the word, damn, a little while ago. I overheard him when he had Pax and was making him a bottle. He must’ve spilled something, and he said the word. Pax quickly copied him, so it’s not your fault, entirely anyway.”
“Good,” she says as she cheers up. “So this little thing that just happened can remain between us then?”
I give her a nod and lie back on the concrete. “Why does everything have to be so complicated, Peyton? Why did I feel so much jealousy when I saw him with that woman?”
“I suppose life would be no fun if it all went right constantly.”
The sound of someone walking fills my head as the concrete makes the noise travel through my head. Kip’s face looms over me and he smiles. “Hey, sunshine. I’m about to bar-b-que. You planning on hanging out with us? Peyton wants to have a fun evening.”
“What is it you want me to make, Kip?” I ask, knowing he wants me to make something, he always does.
The man wants me to come to work for them as their chef, but I know he’d overpay me and I’m not having any of that.
“How about the spinach, artichoke dip I love so much and for dessert that thing you made for your finals? You told Peyton you won a contest or something.” He looks intently at me and I have a feeling he knows damn well that dessert recipe was named after Blake’s mother.
“Fine, I’ll make a list of the ingredients I’ll need.” I sit up and he takes a step back.
Out of his pocket he pulls a little pad of paper and a pencil. “Thought you might say yes. And jot down what alcoholic beverage you might like to drink. I’m making pork ribs, if that has anything to do with what you wish to drink.”
“You’re staying here tonight then, Shelly. Do you hear me?” Peyton bosses like a big sister.
“Yes, Mom,” I say with a laugh. “Staying at your house is like staying in a five-star hotel. You’ll never hear me complaining about your invitations.”
Kip squats down and touches the tip of my nose, drawing my attention to him. “You know, if you’d take our offer to be our personal chef you’d have a permanent place here. The apartment for the chef is three times the size of the one you live in now and its part of the salary. No bills, Rachelle. Only money, money, money for all your hard work.”
“You really should think about it, Shelly,” Peyton says as she splashes a little water at me. “Plus, you’d get paid for all the things we ask you to make for us, instead of doing it for free.”
Kip gives my arm a little punch. “Maybe if I throw in a car? Would that tip the scales in our favor?”
I wag my finger at him. “See, that’s why right there! That’s why I don’t take your offer. You’ll pay me far more than is right and give me thing after thing. You’re both too good of friends and I’d never take advantage of that fact. So I’ll continue to make you foods free of charge. You buy all the ingredients anyway, and I always eat some too.”
“One day we’ll get you,” Kip says with a laugh.
I hand him my list. “I really do appreciate the offer. Please don’t think I don’t.”
“I know, sweetheart,” he says then turns to Peyton. “And what is Mummy having to drink this evening?”
She gives him a naughty look then smiles. “Surprise me.”
When he turns back to me his cheeks are red. “She’s such an evil temptress, that one. Damn glad I married her.”
I laugh and he gives me a million-dollar smile then walks away. Kicking a little water at Peyton to make her look at me instead of watching her hunky husband walking away, I say, “I can’t believe you thought at one time that you didn’t need him. You need him like the crops need rain.”
“I do,” she says with a sigh. “If I ever lost him it would kill me.” She shakes her head to clear it. “I try never to think about that. But it creeps up in my mind now and again. I love that man with everything in me.”
I smile. “And he loves you the same way.”
Pulling my knees up, I wrap my arms around them and wonder why I can’t be as free as they are. Peyton’s soft hand runs over my foot. “It wasn’t always this easy for us, either.”
“Yes, I know. It was I who found you crying at the airport that fateful day. I’m well aware of what all it took to find what you guys have.” I close my eyes and internally berate myself for my stupidity.
“Have you tried to call him or anything?” she asks.
I shake my head. “It’s best to let him go. He’s not what I deserve. I may call that jackass friend of Kips’ though. Is Bobby busy, do you know?”
“You missed that boat. He’s all hooked up with the nurse he met when Pax was born. And he’s surprisingly turned away from the jackass nature he had before he found her. He only calls me Yoko every now and again instead of all the time.” She laughs and I sigh.
“So tell Kip to find me another asshole then.”
Peyton shakes her head. “No, Mam! No more of those for you!”
Then I’ll just stay alone. Alone is good, no one can get hurt when they stay alone!
Kip
“Hey, mate! What ya up to on this lovely, Saturday evening?” I ask Blake over the phone as I make my way to the store to get things for our bar-b-que.
His voice is threaded with a tired sound I’ve never heard in it before. “Not a damn thing. Thinking about going back to Lubbock.”
“Then you must come this evening. Stay the night with us. I’m making a bar-b-que and won’t take no for an answer. Tell me what your poison is on this night and
I shall pick it up for you.”
“Beer, lots of beer. Not that crap that keeps you trim either. Some full flavored shit that will fuck me up. I need to get my head all the way messed up.”
“Bloke, you sound depressed and that’s not like you. I’ll get you some beer and a couple of shrimp to toss on the barbie as well. How ‘bout that?” I ask.
“Sure, thanks. I’ll go over there in a little while. I do have to warn you I’m awful company though. But I’d hate to leave town without giving you and your family a visit. You guys are great. Goodbye.”
He hangs up before I can tell him Rachelle will be there.
Oh well, let’s just see what happens then!
Rachelle
“Crap, Peyton! Another shot! No!” I shout at her.
“Come on, girl. It’s not every night I get a night away from Paxxie Poo. Kips’ parents have him for the night and you and I are going to have some fun!” Peyton tosses down her second shot of Patron and hands me mine.
I take it and then we climb to the top of the waterfall and jump off as we hold hands and laugh like crazy people. When we come up all we hear is Kip blasting music as he shakes his ass and grills some meat.
“Whew!” Peyton shouts as we go up the stairs out of the swimming pool. “Shake it baby!”
We giggle and she pulls me to the pool house. A large pool table is inside and she hiccups then says, “Wanna play some pool? I have to warn you I’m very good at it.”
I pull at my blue bikini top to straighten out my breasts as the jump knocked them out of place. “Sure, but I have great beginner’s luck so chances are I’ll beat you even though I really have no idea of what I’m doing.”
“Is that a challenge, little girl?” she asks with arched eyebrows.
The Reconstruction of Cyprian Page 72
