“Grandpa, no!” I say in disappointment. “You were a deadbeat dad?”
“I was.” He nods. “Anyway, I had never told my wife about the little affair and who came from it. But I had no real choice after Coleen died. I told the woman you know as your grandmother about it and how I had a daughter who needed me. She was the saint she always is, and she accepted your mother like she was her own.”
“Grandma never had any children then. Mom’s an only child, just like me.” I shift in my seat to look at my grandfather.
“We had a baby when we first were married. A little girl. We named her Ashley, and she died in her crib one night when she was six months old. They called it Sudden Infant Death Syndrome. Your grandmother was hurt beyond anything one can imagine. She got on birth control and stayed on it, vowing she’d never go through that kind of pain again. Five years later your mother came to live with us. We were strangers to her. She didn’t remember me at all. I hadn’t seen her since she was two-years-old.”
“That’s so sad, Grandpa. I had no idea. Mom had a young life, much like mine then.” I look out the window to contemplate all he’s told me.
I murmur, “She must’ve been so afraid. Poor little girl. She saw her mother die and thought it was her fault. No wonder she drinks, no wonder she’s done drugs, no wonder she feels she’s not worthy of anyone being in her life, including me.”
“There’s more, Shell. I know who your father is. He’s not a good man, anymore, but he was once. When your mother was younger, and she hadn’t started collecting assholes, pardon my French, she was the high school sweetheart of a nice young man.”
“My father! She always said she had no idea of who it might be! Does he live in Round Rock?” My heart is jumping up and down in my chest with excitement.
I may get to meet my father!
Grandpa makes my heart fall in an instant. “He’s not a good man anymore, Shell. He was once, but your mother messed with his mind and heart one too many times and it broke him. He does live in Round Rock and you’ve seen the man many times.”
“I have?” I ask in amazement. “When, where?”
“You know the man who looks like he’s about a hundred-years-old and lives under the bridge just off the interstate and the exit after ours?” he asks as he looks over at me.
I nod because I do know the man he’s talking about and it makes my stomach lurch. “How could he ever have been a good man, Grandpa? For the love of all that’s holy. He always has pee stains on his filthy pants and looks like he’s never seen a bit of water or soap for that matter. He’s a beggar, a homeless bum.”
“That man is Rodney Holmes, and until you were a year old, he was the starting quarterback for the high school football team. Your mother was a clarinet player in the marching band and they were a sweet young couple. Until your mom got pregnant that is.”
“It all changed then. He didn’t want kids at that young age, did he? He dumped Mom, didn’t he?” I ask with a knowing look in my eyes.
Of course he dumped her then.
“He asked your mother to marry him. He begged her too as a matter of fact. Your mother ran away then. We had no idea where she went or who she was with. She stayed gone, and we only found her a year after we found you in that children’s home.” He looks out his side window as he takes the exit off the highway to his home.
“Rodney came by often to see if we had heard anything. He swore he’d never bother her, he just wanted to know if she was okay and if you had been born yet. Things we didn’t know. Things we wished we did know, desperately.” His eyes glisten with unshed tears at the memory.
“So, Mom just left with me in her stomach? I just can’t imagine why she’d want to do such a thing all on her own.” My mind spins with all this new information.
“I have no idea, Shell. Well, one day, Rodney came and saw us and told us she had called him from a private phone number. She told him he had a daughter, but she told him your name was Connie for some reason. He said he begged her to let him know where she was. He begged her to come back to him or at least to us. She refused, got angry and hung up on him.”
My grandfather’s words ring in my hollow chest. It was me who became so angry to find Blake holding me tightly as we slept that one night. I was mad because he was showing me how he wanted to protect me. I’m a fool just like my mother.
“So, my father is a homeless person who is crazy and my mother is also crazy and I’m not real far behind them.” I look out the window and watch the city turn into the countryside.
In silence we ride to my grandparent’s home. He’s told me all I need to know. It’s really quite useless to try to live a normal life. My parents never could figure out how to. What makes me so special I can figure it out?
Blake’s better off without my crazy ass.
Blake
Weary and beaten down, I walk into my little house in Lubbock. It’s late, and the house is pitch black. I turn on the living room light and see my gym stuff there. Though exhausted, I know I’ll not be able to sleep.
I miss her so damn bad.
I yank off my shirt and drop my jeans, stepping out of my shoes, I start my workout. Clad only in my tight, black boxer briefs, I pump some iron to rid my mind of her.
After thirty minutes of intensely working out, a knock comes at my door. It’s two in the morning so I have to wonder who it could be. I look out the window as I turn on the porch light and see Josh, my next door neighbor.
I open the door and he smiles at me. “I noticed the light on and wondered if someone broke in here to use your equipment, but it’s just you. When did you get in?”
“About half an hour ago. I’d ask you to come in, but I’m a bit of a grump right now. No one should be subjected to me in this lousy-ass mood.”
He gives me a nod. “Okay, I just wanted to be a good neighbor and make sure no one was breaking in.” He reaches for something at the edge of the door frame and pulls out a baseball bat.
“You came packing, huh?” I ask with a chuckle.
He turns away and looks over his shoulder at me. “Well, I had to bring something to hit the bad guys with, if there were any. Have a good night, Blake. You should come and eat breakfast with us in the morning. I don’t like you being alone when you feel so bad.”
“I’ll think about it. Thanks for the invite. What time will it be served so I can let you know ahead of time if I’m coming or not?”
He stops and turns around. “Tell you what, Blake, we can whip up some eggs and bacon just about any time you want to get up. How’s that? See you when you get ready tomorrow, buddy. Get some sleep, you look dog tired.”
He walks away and I say, “Thanks, you guy, for always watching out for me.”
I lock up the door and walk to my old bedroom. The posters on the walls are from my high school years. Hot chicks in them all.
I think it’s time to get rid of the past. I think it’s time to move onto other things. With a rip, I take the first one down and crumple it up. Then the others follow as I take my boyhood bedroom down to the bare walls and make a vow to myself to get this place fixed up so I can sell it and move on with my life.
Rachelle
I’ve borrowed Grandpa’s old pickup truck and decided to go visit Max. My presence in my grandparent’s home set my mother off, and she started drinking heavily again.
It’s best to let her have the help of her parents. She needs them a lot more than I ever realized. I couldn’t bring myself to talk to her about any of the things Grandpa told me.
One of the reasons is I didn’t know how she would handle all that truth out there. She’s only ever told me lies about it all, so it may be she doesn’t even remember the truth anymore. I saw no use in starting what might have been a huge argument between her and her father.
Curiosity has me cruising by the overpass my father lives under. I bought some food for breakfast for him. A few pigs in a blanket, a couple of sausage biscuits and a large bottle of orange juice, and a
pple juice, and a few bottles of water.
Okay, its literally a grocery bag full of things. I have an illness apparently to help people. It’s a gift and an affliction.
I slow to a stop. It’s pretty early I would assume for a bum to be awake. But I see eyes peeking out from behind the berm at the very top of the steep incline.
Opening my door, I get out and hold the bag up. He sits up and motions for me to come up to him. Which is most likely the most dangerous thing I could ever do, but the man is my father and I think God will watch over me to do this thing I feel I must do.
“Hi,” I say with a quivering voice. I didn’t realize how scared I was until I opened my mouth.
Reaching back into the truck I grab a blanket I brought from my bedroom at my grandparents and a coat I took from the coat closet. It’s one Grandpa has had many years, and he has plenty more. I’ll let him know I took it later on.
He’d have stopped me from coming here if I had told him before-hand. He made it clear the man is nuts and not to be trusted. For reasons I couldn’t get out of him, he thinks my father is dangerous.
With the large bag of food in one hand and the blanket and coat in the other, I walk up the steep incline to where the man who is my father waits. I can smell the urine from here and I have to fight down a gag reflex.
His eyes are a light gray and his skin is filthy. My heart stops beating as I really look at the man we all called the Round Rock, Looney. I swallow hard to get the knot out of my throat.
Holding out the things to him, I say, “Hello, Rodney. I brought you some food for your breakfast this morning. I thought you might like an extra blanket and a coat. There’s a cold front coming in later this evening and I didn’t know if you had anything to keep you warm or not. I opted to bring them anyway, just in case. A person can never have too many blankets or coats, I think.”
He stares at me and the way his eyes dart quickly back and forth makes my insides tighten as if I’m getting ready to be punched in the stomach or something.
With a deep and gravelly voice, he says, “You know my name.” He looks past me at the old truck.
I suddenly realize that my grandfather had the truck a few years before I was even born. Rodney must recognize it. For some reason that fills me with fear.
“My grandfather told it to me. Anyway, I just wanted to give you these things. Bye now,” I turn to leave as fear is coursing through my veins.
“How is she?” he asks. I freeze in my tracks. “Your mother. How is she?”
I turn slowly back and see he’s come out and is standing only steps from me. “She’s okay. Not great, not stable, but she’s alive, and that’s something, don’t you think?”
“She used to drive that truck you’re driving. You look like her and a little like my mother.” Tears glisten in his grey eyes. “I never meant for things to happen like they did. I always wanted her and you. I hope one day you can forgive me.”
He’s a filthy mess of a human being and I know he must be riddled with lice and God knows what else but I have to do it. “Can I hug you?”
He holds his arms out and I come to him and wrap my arms around him as he does me. “I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry I can’t be stronger.” His words come out soft.
“It’s okay. I forgive you. I can help you if you want. I can get a place for you to live. I know people who can help me do that for you,” I say and feel my body shaking with some kind of crazy emotion I’ve never felt before.
“No. Thanks though.” He lets me go and I step back. It’s crazy how his stench no longer makes me want to gag. It just smells like him and that’s okay for some damn reason.
“But, this is no way to live,” I say as I gesture to the underpass.
“It’s all I’ve known since that day. Don’t worry about me. If you want to help anyone, help her. She needs it more than I do. She always has.” He turns back and goes to sit down way at the top.
“She has a place to stay inside out of the weather. She has a mother and a father to take care of her when she lets them,” I tell him. “Tell me why you would do this to yourself over a woman like her.”
“She wasn’t always this way. Once she was sweet and full of love. Somehow, getting pregnant with you changed her.” His eyes narrow a bit as he looks at me. “I hated you for a long time.”
The fear creeps back in as his eyes go icy and his body tenses as if he might be getting ready to spring at me. “I understand. I’m sorry. I’ll let you get back to your life here. Goodbye.”
I turn and walk away. He shouts out, “Thanks, kid.”
I wave without looking back. Into the truck I go and pull away from the side of the road. Something hits the back window and shatters against the thick glass. Orange is sprayed everywhere. I look in the rear view mirror to see my father standing in the middle of the road.
He’s flipping me off with both hands. Yelling incoherently curse words and screaming my mother’s name.
My body aches with the knowledge that she did that to him. I feel bad for them both, but mostly I feel bad for me. They are my gene-pool, those are the closest people to me in this entire world and I’m more lonely than I think I’ve ever been.
Max
Orange fills the sky as the sun sets behind her. Head hung low and shoulders drooping, Rachelle walks away from an old, blue, Ford truck. Zane pushes through my legs as he sees her.
He turns back to look at me. “What’s a matter wif Chellie, Daddy?”
“She’s sad. Go give her a hug. That should brighten her up some, Zane.”
He takes off running towards her and she lifts her head to look at him as he shouts, “Chellie! Chellie! You’re here!”
She smiles and I can see it’s despite herself. She opens her arms up and he flies into them. He kisses her cheek, and she runs her hand over his little head. “Hey, cutie. Miss me?” she asks him.
“I did,” he says then he leans down and sniffs her shoulder. “Chellie, you stink.”
She laughs a light laugh that’s full of sadness. “I know I do. I met someone earlier and even though he smelled awful, I gave him a hug.”
“You should not have done that, Chellie.” Zane leans way back from her and wiggles for her to put him down. She does, and he says, “Why you want to hug a stinky person?”
I wrap my arm around her sagging shoulders and lead her into our home. “Maybe she felt like the person needed it, or perhaps she’s the one who needed it.” I kiss the side of her head and take her down the long entry hall. Zane takes her hand as he looks up at her with concern in his eyes.
“I had a dream and I remember what your name used to be, Max,” she tells me. “You were Randy once. You were my older brother, and you were really nice to me. I ran to find my mother, and you helped me. You made me a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and a glass of milk and you made me feel a lot better in that awful time.”
“Hilda makes the best. I’m going to get her to make us a couple of them and then you and I can have a talk about why your sweet, little face has so much sorrow running over it.” I pull her along with me to say hello to Lexi and the other kids.
Lexi’s eyes light up as we go into the playroom where she’s watching the other two children. They quickly dim as she sees the state Rachelle is in. She gets up and come to us.
She pulls Rachelle into her arms and Rachelle bursts into tears. I nod at Lexi and she takes her from the room. Zane looks up at me as they leave.
“Daddy, what’s made her so sad?” He loops his little hand into mine.
“I don’t know yet. But she had a hard life just like Daddy did when he was a kid. But Mommy and Daddy are going to try to help her.” I tussle his blonde locks. “She’ll be okay, buddy. Don’t you worry.”
“Okay, Daddy. I’ll try not to.” He goes to play with Zoey as she runs her Barbie Jeep all over the floor.
I watch my three children play on the floor of the large room and wonder how some parents can do things to their children like abandon th
em. A day without seeing my kids’ faces is a day I’ve lost forever.
Blake
Pumping iron for the third time today, I jump as my cell phone rings. I drop the weight and answer the call. “Hey, Max. How’s it going, buddy?”
“Good. I just wanted to let you know that Rachelle is here with us. She told us how she took off from you and I just wanted you to know she’s safe,” he says.
“I guess I’m glad to hear that,” I say. “Did she mention why the hell she did that to me. Not that it matters one bit, but I’d like to know.”
“Mostly because she’s a mess right now. See, she and I have similar issues. While Lexi has helped me immensely, I still have to fight the urge to push her away at times. Our kids help me to stabilize those fleeting emotions, but I do fight them from time to time.”
“Well, I can’t live like that. I can’t live the way life would be with her. I love her. I mean, I loved her. I’m sure one day I won’t anymore, anyway,” I say and pick up a little weight and curl it up to my chin a few times.
“She found out who her father is,” Max says and my heart stops.
“She said her mother didn’t know who it was.”
“She lied to her, like she did about so many things. Rachelle’s grandfather let her in on a lot of family secrets. Turns out Rachelle’s father was once a good kid. A high school football player and he and her mother were a couple for several years. They got pregnant in their senior year and her mother ran away,” Max says.
I put the weight down and ask, “Did she talk to him?”
“She did,” he says, “He went a bit mad it seems and lives under a bridge or something in her hometown of Round Rock. She went to see him and it seems things were awkward and really odd, but I would assume the man is completely mentally unstable as he lives under a bridge for the love of God.”
The Reconstruction of Cyprian Page 75
