by Smoke, Lucy
They were nice guys. They probably wouldn't kick me out. I was just overreacting. But they probably would pass me on to a different team. I didn't want that. I didn't realize how badly I wanted to be on this team until I was facing down the wrong end of a shotgun and staring the death of my Iris career in the face. That was ridiculous. What was I doing? I took a breath.
"Okay," I began. "So... you know about..." I didn't know how to continue but I guessed my taking the initiative to begin the conversation jump started them because Marv stepped forward, around the side of the plush chair across the room that Bellamy was in.
Just as he opened his mouth, though, Knix cut him off. "Yes, Little Bit, we knew," Knix said. His fingers twitched and clenched on his thighs. I wondered if he wanted to take my hand. I really, really wanted him to take my hand right now. I felt like I was floundering.
"We understand that you're confused," Texas piped up. "I didn't mean to kiss you today when I... when we went to the cemetery." I had expected him to blush, but he didn't. Texas held his head high and looked straight at me as he said it. I was the one blushing... fiercely. "But it happened and I'm okay with it. I wanted you to know that I like you too."
"We all like you, it seems," Marv said finally. His voice was gruff, and he didn't sound happy about it, but neither did he sound accusing. I took that as a small victory. I didn't know what the prize was, but that meant things could be salvaged right?
"Okay," I said again. I sucked in a breath. "So, we stop." I nodded. "Yeah. No more kissing. Or..." my gaze slid to Bellamy, who watched me with heated eyes, "anything else."
All four of them shook their heads. "That's not gonna work, Little Bit," Knix said. "We like you. All of us really like you. We've talked about this and there's no reason that you can't...date?" Knix's deep voice went up at the end like he was asking a question. It wasn't completely there, just barely, as if he were unsure.
"Date?" I asked dumbly. "I don't understand."
"Us, Princess," Texas answered. "You could date us and... then um..." he looked around at the group, but all eyes were – unfortunately – fixated on me, "you could choose who you wanted to be with."
My eyes bulged. I gaped at the four of them. "Are you crazy?" I asked. I was serious. "That idea is–"
"I don't share," Marv stated firmly. His eyes were on me and they were just as heated as Bellamy's...maybe even more so? No, that couldn't be right. "I don't like sharing." He amended, but I think it was less for me and more for the other guys.
"How am I supposed to choose?" I asked. I stood up and shook my head. "No, that isn't fair."
"Harlow–" Knix started. He stood as well and when I tried to back up a step – why did he have to be so damn tall? – the backs of my knees bumped into the couch.
I put my hands up. "It's not fair to you," I said. "To any of you. I didn't mean for this to happen."
"We know you didn't, Sweetheart," said Bellamy.
I turned my gaze to the side and he was standing as well. They all were now. I felt surrounded, caged in. I scooted out from in front of Knix.
"I-I can't think," I stuttered. "This is... a lot, too much."
"What did you think would happen?" Bellamy asked.
My shoulders tensed even though he said it gently. He didn't sound angry though. In fact, if anything, he sounded understanding and that made me feel even worse.
"I don't know," I said. "I didn't plan this. I didn't plan to–" I gestured at the four of them. "You all just kind of came out of nowhere. This all happened so fast."
"We get that, Sweetheart," Bellamy said and strangely enough, it seemed that he did – that they did. They understood. It's why they weren't mad at me. Marv may have been tense, but he wasn't mad. Bellamy approached me slowly. Everyone else remained completely still, watching, waiting. For what? I didn't know. Bellamy took my head and looked into my eyes. I felt both lost and safe in the same breath when I looked up at him.
"Trust us," he whispered. "I know it's a scary thing to consider–"
I snorted, my cheeks still red. "Dating four guys is definitely scary."
He smiled. A quick quirk of his lips to the side. "It doesn't have to be forever," he said. "We're all adults. We can handle rejection. If you don't want any of us. If you just want one of us–"
My eyes widened. "I can't have all of you," I said.
Bellamy's eyes remained trained on me. "Will you at least try this?" he asked. "The dating thing? You don't have to. None of us would ever force you to do anything you don't want to, you have to know that. We all like you. We all care about you."
"I can't believe you all knew and didn't tell me," I said.
"We were waiting for you to say something," Marv replied.
"You acted so normal," I said, sighing as I looked over at him. "I didn't even suspect a thing."
He smiled at me. Even rumpled looking – in jeans of all things – and a casual button-down, he was incredibly handsome. My stomach fluttered. This was good, though… right? They all knew now. I gulped down a breath, my mind spinning with all of the guilt I had been repressing. Yes, I thought. This was good. It was better to have it all out in the open. But… could I really do it? Date all of them? I sighed and looked up, meeting their gazes one by one. None of them looked particularly enthusiastic about the idea, but neither did they look horrified. Why would they, though? It was their idea. I sighed, dropping my head again.
There really was only one thing to do. I cared about them. I didn’t want to lose them. The guys – my guys – were just asking for a chance. They had taken a chance on me, after all.
I looked up into Bellamy’s eyes. He still held my hands and I squeezed his hands back. "Okay," I said. "I'll give this... dating thing a try."
"That's all we ask," Bellamy assured me. "A chance to prove ourselves."
"Talk about feeling like the Bachelorette," I said. I didn't even watch that show, but it was one of Erika's favorites which reminded me... "If we're getting everything out there," I said slowly, pulling my hands away from Bellamy and taking a step back in the direction of the stairs. "There's more you need to know."
"Why do I have a feeling I'm not going to like this?" Marv said with a groan. He slumped into the chair and put a hand over his eyes. I felt bad. We were all tired. But this was important.
"Probably because you're not," I said honestly.
Knix's nostrils flared as did his eyes. He reached up and pinched the bridge of his nose as if he were getting a headache. "Alright," he said. "Let's hear it." Knix dropped his hand and rested his palms on his hips, waiting. Texas tilted his head to the side, and Bellamy's brows lowered as he looked at me.
"I've talked to Grayson–"
Marv exploded. "Fucking hell!" Leaping out of his chair, Marv’s chest rose and fell as he stormed across the living room. "Are you serious?!" None of the other guys seemed impressed or even vaguely surprised. I had expected Knix not to be, he probably thought I meant the diner visit. But Bellamy and Texas didn't seem particularly shocked. Marv whirled on Knix. "Did you know about this?" Knix looked at him and put a placating hand up.
He sighed, but before he could say anything, I continued on. "I ran into him at the club when I went with Erika," I said quickly. Now, all of them looked shocked.
"What?" Knix turned away from Marv and his hand dropped. Identical expressions of shock crossed all of their faces.
"He was there?" Texas asked. "I didn't even see him."
"He was gone by the time you got there to pick us up," I said. "He said he was there looking for a friend. I thought he meant me, but... I think he was actually looking for someone else. But he called me again when I was at the camp."
Bellamy glanced back at Texas in confusion. "I thought you put a block on her phone from his number?"
I narrowed my gaze at the both of them. "You did what?" I shook my head and put my hand up. "You know what? Never mind. Don't answer that. It'll only piss me off ."
"Piss you off?" Marv asked. "What
about us? You were seeing Grayson without telling us."
"I didn't plan it!" I snapped. "You're overreacting."
"I'm not overreacting," Marv snapped back.
Bellamy sighed and moved to block us despite the fact that there were several feet of room between the two of us. "Yes," he said. "You are, brother. Just calm down. Let's hear the rest before we say anything else, okay?" Marv and Bellamy shared a heated look, one full of anger and frustration, but he must have gotten through to him because, with a huff, Marv nodded and turned, crossing the room. He folded his arms over his chest and leaned against the far wall, closer to the front windows of the living room. I guessed that was as good as it was going to get.
"Okay," I said. "So, Grayson called me, and he asked me about Erika. I told him the last time that I had seen her was that night at the club." I crossed my arms over my chest and rubbed them before shaking my head. "He said that his brother disappeared from the rehab center he sent him to." There was a deep growl from Marv, but I ignored it. "He said that when he called Erika's cell, her roommate at the college picked up and she said that Erika hadn't been back in a few days."
"So, she's missing too?" Texas asked.
I nodded. "At least, we think so. I haven't even called her parents or anything." All eyes but Marv's turned to Knix. Marv's stayed on me.
"When you told us about meeting him in the diner, I thought that would be the end of it," Bellamy said to Knix. My eyes widened, and I jerked my gaze away from Marv's.
"What?" I asked. I looked at Knix. "You told them?"
Knix's nod was interrupted by another growl from Marv. "And you didn't think to tell me?" Marv demanded. His biceps bulged as he gripped either arm in an effort to remain still. He was practically vibrating with his anger. "You don't have a clear head when it comes to him," Knix said.
Marv dropped his arms and took a step towards Knix. "You know why that is!" I watched the both of them with wide, confused eyes.
"That doesn't make your irrational behavior when it comes to Grayson Caruso any less prominent," Knix said. Steel edged his tone. Marv glared at his team leader with anger and a little bit of hurt. That last part made my chest ache because Marv respected Knix. They were teammates, but they were also friends. Everyone else had known but him. I found myself feeling bad about not telling them all sooner.
"The first thing we're going to do is have you get ahold of Erika's parents," Knix announced, turning away from Marv. "Then we'll take it from there."
"What if she really is missing?" I asked. "Are we going to report it?"
Knix tilted his head to the side and his face grew tight. "We might," he said. "She left her phone and no offense to your friend, Harlow, but she doesn't seem like the type of girl comfortable being away from her phone for extended periods of time." He was right. Erika was a selfie fanatic and a social media fiend. It was a wonder how we were friends since I was neither. "Either she left it because she knew she wouldn't need it or she didn't mean to leave it at all."
"Do you think she'll go back for it?" I asked, hopefully.
"Let's go ahead and have you call her parents, and then we'll take it one step at a time."
"We need to inform Alex," Bellamy said.
Knix nodded. "You go ahead and do that."
Texas moved closer as I bit my lip. "It's going to be okay, Spider-Monkey," he said, brushing a reassuring hand down my arm. "We'll find your friend."
My lips twitched at the reminder of his new nickname, but I quickly sobered. "I think she might have run off with Josh," I admitted quietly. "I know she really cares about him. I think she knew that night she came here."
He tilted his head to the side again. "Why do you say that?" he asked.
"She was acting really odd," I said. "Flirting and drinking and we drank for the first time right before I met you guys. It was just beer and she wasn't that into it. But she was way more experienced this time around."
"Were she and Josh having problems?" he asked.
I pinched my lips together before answering. "I'm not sure," I admitted. "She said they weren't. She said he was doing well in rehab. Maybe it was just being at the college?"
Texas nodded. "We might have to check out that avenue. For now, go ahead and call her parents."
“Why didn’t you say anything before if you were worried?” Bellamy asked, curious.
I flushed, biting my lip. “I…” I sighed. “I was kind of caught up in… everything else,” I admitted quietly. All of my attention had been focused on the case. After meeting that girl at the club, I had become so hyper focused, I let my friend just disappear. What kind of person did that make me? “I guess I just assumed she would come to me if she needed something.” God, even that was lame for an excuse. I closed my eyes, shame rising up.
When a hand touched my shoulder, my eyes opened. “Don’t worry, we’ll figure out what happened. I’m not sure if she’s willingly gone off with Josh. But, whether she has or hasn’t, we’ll figure out the truth.”
Tears swam in front of my vision, but I sucked them back, closing my eyes briefly once more before opening them and standing. “Okay,” I huffed, “that’s what we’ll do.” If the guys said we would figure it out, then we would. I looked at them, feeling relief swelling in my chest. I wasn’t trying to work on my own anymore. That, in itself, was a true gift from my Iris boys.
“Why don’t you go ahead and make that call,” Bellamy said, gently nudging me. I nodded, moving in the direction of my room as I pulled out my cell. Even though I was really worried about my friend, I was glad that everything was aired. The guys knew that Grayson was involved. They knew about Josh. They knew about Erika. They knew about...each other. I hoped this dating thing with the four of them would work out. I couldn't bear to think of hurting any of their feelings. Somewhere in the back of my mind, though, I knew that if I chose one of them at the end, someone would end up hurt. No matter who I chose, I’d lose. I just knew it.
Leap of Faith
Prologue
Harlow
5 years ago...
The swing squeaked, an old and rusted thing, as I pushed off with my feet. I hoped that it wouldn't collapse under my weight. That would just be another bad thing to happen to me on the worst day of my life. I sighed and pushed off again. The squeak was becoming monotonous, flitting off in the distance—an echo that drifted and drifted away. I didn't even hear it anymore. Nor did I hear the footsteps of my best friend as she approached.
"Hey," Erika said, taking the equally rusted swing next to me. I nodded her way but remained quiet. "What's wrong?" she asked. "You never come here. I thought it was too far to walk."
The park wasn't too far of a walk. Not if you really wanted to get away from something, which I really did right now. It was a little over a mile from my house. Technically, if my mom came outside and called for me, it was too far. Right now, though, I doubted she would come looking for me and, even if she did, I wondered if I would care. It was an interesting thought—not caring. I couldn't do it, but I fantasized about it. About draining all of my emotions—the negative ones most of all. It felt like my life was ending and that was selfish. I wasn’t the sick one. I was perfectly healthy. I knew if I tried to talk to anyone at school—the counselors or a teacher or someone—they'd say I was being overdramatic. I was being overdramatic, but I was fourteen. Didn't I have that right?
"Harlow?" Erika prompted.
I shook my head and looked at her. "My mom says I have to quit gymnastics," I said.
Her eyes widened. "What? Really? Why?" she demanded.
I turned back to looking at the ground and pushed at it every so often with my feet to keep my swing in motion. "We don't have the money," I confessed, "and she says she's going to have to go to the doctor's more often."
Erika was quiet for a moment before she spoke again. "That really sucks, Harlow. I'm so sorry."
I didn't know why she was sorry. It wasn’t her fault that my mom was always sick. It wasn’t her fault w
e didn't have any money. Michael couldn’t exactly do anything from New York. But I guess people had to say something when they didn't know what else to say. My chest hurt. Gymnastics wasn't glamorous or anything—it was a lot of work—but it was my escape. It was the one thing I was really good at. Life wasn't fair.
"So..." Erika said. "What now?"
I shrugged. "I don't know," I replied. "Maybe I'll look for a job."
"You're not old enough to get a job," she reminded me.
"I'll babysit or something," I said. "I can do that, and then maybe in a couple of years I can apply to that place on the other side of the interstate."
Erika pursed her lips as if she wanted to argue, but eventually she just nodded and fell silent. We pushed ourselves back and forth on the swings for several moments before we were interrupted by a scratchy laugh and the shuffling of boots over dead grass. I was quickly reminded why I really never came to the park in the first place as Kyle Bloom came around one of the trees on the edges of the park and headed straight for us with his younger brother in tow. Jimmy Bloom moved along behind him awkwardly, but he was just as mean as his older brother. While Kyle had an anticipatory grin, Jimmy scowled. I had never actually seen him smile. I wondered, briefly, if he even knew how.
"Well, if it isn't the Bimbo and the Harlot," Kyle called.
To my side, Erika rolled her eyes. "Do you even know what that word means?" she scoffed.
"Oh, Bimbo," Kyle sneered. "If you looked it up in the dictionary, you'd see your face. So, of course, I know what it means."
"I meant the word harlot, Kyle," she snapped. "I'm surprised you even know what a dictionary is much less...larger words."
"Mom says harlots are girls who sleep around and get bad diseases," Jimmy piped up.
I studiously ignored them, keeping my gaze trained on the ground. More than likely, their mom had told them that. Mrs. Bloom was a regular churchgoer and I knew from brief bouts of my own mom's church-going status, that the term came straight from there. Maybe not originally, but I hadn't really cared much about looking up stuff like that, much less paying more than a cursory attention in Sunday school. I knew they had only chosen the insult because it was so close to my actual name. Harlow the Harlot, they called me. I didn't care.
