The throbbing intensified, then died away to a pulse.
‘Well, for one thing my son is awake now, so I’m not going to start bawling and arguing with you. We’ve done enough of that. And for another thing,’ Kate paused and thought for a moment, ‘I just heard you call him Sam.’
Barbara nodded. ‘I found his birth certificate. I’ve been getting his things ... sorted.’
‘Kate?’
Elizabeth’s head appeared around the door, her blonde hair falling in curtains on either side of her forthright face. ‘I need to talk to you right now. It’s important,’ she added when Kate demurred.
‘What?’ Kate said in the corridor, narrowing her eyes. ‘What’s going on?’
Elizabeth flicked to a page near the back of her notebook. ‘The police picked Evan up tonight during a raid in King’s Cross.’
‘What? I don’t understand.’
‘I don’t have all the details. It was something else, someone they’d been after for a while, but Evan was there and he got caught up in it somehow. Anyway, he was on the system, they knew the police here wanted to question him, so he got taken in.’
‘And have they? Have they questioned him?’ Kate felt her breath catch in her throat. The social worker nodded. ‘And?’
‘It was him. The officer said Evan needed to prove his whereabouts that night, he thinks that’s the only reason he came clean. But there it is. They’re dropping any charges.’
Kate leaned against the wall and looked up at the strip-lit ceiling. ‘Could today get any weirder? You won’t believe what my mother just said to me.’ She waited for Elizabeth to answer, but Elizabeth was still looking at her notebook.
‘And the other time?’ Kate prompted. ‘Back in Manchester? Did Evan confess to that too?’
‘That wasn’t all he said, Kate,’ Elizabeth said with a pained expression. ‘He told the officer that leaving the drugs in your bedsit here in Corrin Cove wasn’t his idea.’
Kate glanced through the window into Sam’s ward. Her mother was talking to him, leaning in, her body language relaxed.
‘Who’s idea was it?’
Elizabeth followed Kate’s gaze. ‘He showed them a text.’
Kate nodded. ‘Of course he did. He’s not stupid. Evan would have kept all her texts. He would never take responsibility for anything if he could help it.’
She watched as her mother turned and smiled wanly through the window. Kate raised her hand and gestured for her to come outside. She steeled herself, allowing all the hope she had felt only moments before to seep out of her body, feeling most of her strength escaping with it. For a second she sank against Elizabeth’s arm. The social worker glanced down at her in alarm.
‘I’m okay,’ Kate said, ‘but will you go and sit with Sam for a moment?’
Elizabeth hesitated, but then nodded. ‘Go easy,’ she said quietly, passing Barbara in the doorway.
‘Are you alright?’ Barbara asked. Kate shook her head. When she tried to speak her throat felt raspy, and her voice hardly sounded like her own.
‘I didn’t get chance to tell you, Mum, but they found drugs in my flat earlier. Just like they did in Manchester.’
‘Oh.’
‘You don’t look well, are you okay?’ Kate said through her teeth.
‘It’s nothing. Carry on.’
‘Okay. So, they caught up with Evan tonight. And he told them everything.’ Kate leaned closer, close enough to see the thin lines that radiated from her mother’s tightly clenched mouth. ‘I mean, he told them everything.’
‘Kate, I–’
‘Don’t bother, Mum. There’s nothing you could say to make this right.’
‘I had nothing to do with what happened in Manchester, you have to believe me.’
‘And that makes it okay? You tried to set me up, knowing that after everything that’s happened to me, after everything I’ve been through, there was a good chance I’d get a criminal record for this. Why ...?’ Kate stopped, hardly able to speak the words. ‘Why do you hate me so much?’
‘I don’t hate you,’ Barbara cried. ‘I hate myself. Don’t you see? I was a terrible mother, and I was a useless wife. The only thing I’ve ever been any good at was looking after Samuel. The thought of losing him, it was more than I could bear.’
‘So you’d stop at nothing? Nothing. You’d go to any lengths to keep him.’
‘Only because I love him so much. Oh, please, Kate. Please don’t take him. I know you could, I know you have every reason to hate me, but please don’t do it. It’s the only home he’s ever known. You can visit him every day, you can move in with us if you like. Just don’t take my Samuel – my Sam – away from me.’
‘Mummy? Nana? What’s wrong?’
‘Sam, you shouldn’t be out of bed.’ Kate carefully lifted up her son and cuddled him, throwing Elizabeth an accusing glare over his shoulder. Elizabeth shrugged, unconcerned.
‘He’s broken his arm, not his legs. And you can discuss all this in court on Friday.’
Kate walked away from her mother’s grasping hands and set her son down on the bed. She picked up his teddy and began to play with it, relaxing into Sam’s delighted giggles. But when she heard a movement behind her, she spoke again, low and controlled, leaving no room for misunderstanding.
‘There will be no histrionics on Friday. I will stand up in court and fight for my son, and I won’t need any dirty tricks. No matter what I’ve done in the past, my love for him will shine through for everyone to see. Now I’d like some time alone with him, before you take him home.’
‘Goodbye, Kate,’ her mother said. When the door closed softly, Kate didn’t turn around.
Chapter 29
Bow Hill looked different in the rain. Glistening and polished, the flat-fronted houses were reflected in puddles, and streetlights sparkled with orange droplets in the night sky. Patrick had to park further down the street than usual, and then he spent a while digging around in the back for an umbrella.
‘I know I have one here somewhere,’ he said. Kate wasn’t bothered about getting wet, but she wasn’t in a hurry to get inside either.
‘What weather,’ Patrick said when he finally gave up and leaned back in his seat with a sigh. ‘Every time you and I spend time together it seems to rain.’
‘Thanks for the lift home,’ Kate said. ‘I couldn’t face hanging round the hospital, waiting for a cab.’
‘It’s not a problem.’ Patrick held up a supermarket carrier bag. ‘You can put this over your head if you like.’
‘I’m not so depressed I want to end it all.’
‘I didn’t mean ... I meant to keep the rain off.’
‘I know, I was joking. Sorry. I’ve never had good timing when it comes to a sense of humour.’
‘Me neither. The other day there was this man in the woods, and he said–’
Kate reached up and put her finger to Patrick’s lips. The gesture surprised them both, and Kate allowed the feeling of heat that rose inside her core to swell until it spread all through her body. Her fingers tingled with it; her legs felt heavy and far away. ‘You’ve done so much for me,’ she told him. ‘More than you realise. Just by being there. By being normal.’ Her eyes flicked away from his, but not before she had flashed him a look of unmistakable invitation. She got out of the car and crossed the pavement.
This wasn’t a night for being alone. This was a night for sinking into the arms of a man who undressed her with such care she might have been the most precious creature in all the world. It was a night for forgetting, but at the same time for remembering – remembering what it was like to come alive inside, to be known by hands that explored and were hungry, and to shout out with joy, knowing only that moment, feeling happy. Feeling wanted.
It was a night to be herself.
***
Early Friday morning, Kate curled up on the floor in her son’s room and waited for the sun to rise. In a few hours it would be time to go to court and the waiting would be ove
r.
A knock woke her; she must have fallen asleep. The room was bright now, viciously so, and the shadows thrown from the tree outside made patterns like sharp fingers on the freshly painted walls. Kate stretched out her legs and winced. There was the knock again, and in walked Marie, holding her ubiquitous tray of coffee and biscuits, and getting right down to business.
‘Kate, tell me to mind my own beeswax if you want, but I’m here if you need somebody to talk to. Here, drink your coffee. And eat. You need to keep up your strength.’
‘I don’t feel like eating,’ Kate said. But she drank the coffee, feeling it burn her throat the whole way down.
‘Don’t suppose you do,’ Marie agreed amiably. She was wearing a badly fitting red trouser suit and an orange silk scarf, and her perfume smelt like candyfloss. Kate felt cheered just at the sight of her.
After a few more shots of caffeine, Kate remembered Marie’s ordeal at the hands of the police and apologised again.
‘It wasn’t your fault,’ Marie said. ‘Besides, my rooms didn’t get searched in the end.’
‘So you didn’t have to show off your artwork?’
Marie gave a rueful grin. ‘You can come and have a look sometime if you like. It’s quite something.’
‘Erm, thanks,’ Kate said dubiously. ‘So, did Big Tony go for option one or two?’
‘Well, it was option one. And the dress was a huge hit, and the restaurant was gorgeous, and he even went down on one knee.’
‘You said no, didn’t you?’
‘My, you do know me well after such a short time. I did, and you know the reason why?’
‘Enlighten me.’
‘I’m happy as I am. I like having Big Tony around, and he likes dating me. If we got married again, he’d most likely just start playing around again. Leopards never change their spots.’
Kate nodded. She knew Marie was right, but it didn’t stop her feeling suddenly choked. It all seemed so hopeless. What was the point in anything if people never changed?
‘My mother thinks that about me,’ she said. ‘I’m a leopard and my spots are drawn on in indelible ink.’
‘And maybe you feel that way about her, too?’ Marie suggested kindly.
Kate crossed the room and rested her palms on the windowsill. Outside, the October sun cast a brittle light over Bow Hill, and if she leaned forward she could see a sliver of ocean beyond the last of the terrace houses, grey and brown against a pale blue sky.
‘She keeps texting me.’
‘Your mother?’
‘Saying she’s sorry. For Sam’s accident, for Evan, for everything that happened with my dad.’
‘Do you believe her?’
‘That she’s sorry?’ Kate sighed, long and deep. ‘I don’t know. No, not really. I mean, it’s the timing, isn’t it? She’s saying all this now because she knows she’s going to lose Sam.’
‘Why now?’ Marie asked. ‘She’s denied it for so long.’
‘Sam’s accident.’ Kate shuddered at the thought of that fractured bone. ‘She said it triggered all the memories she’s been repressing. All those other “accidents”, plus all the times she’d been in hospital herself when I was a kid. She just couldn’t deny it any longer.’
‘It doesn’t bear thinking about, growing up in an environment like that,’ Marie said, reaching for another biscuit.
‘Not to defend her, but she was terrified of him too. It always started with him getting angry at her about something. His dinner not cooked on time, or her nagging him, or looking at another man, or looking at him the wrong way ...’
‘It sure sounds like you’re defending her,’ Marie pointed out, still eating the biscuit.
‘No.’ Kate swung away from the window and shook her head. ‘I’m not. This isn’t about her. And it isn’t about me, either. It’s not about my dad, or what happened to me as a child. This is about Sam. I shouldn’t –’
‘What?’ Marie stopped chewing. ‘Why are you looking like that? What have I said?’
‘Nothing.’ Kate’s face had turned slack; her eyes unfocused. ‘I’m just ... I’m just thinking, that’s all. I’m just remembering. Something I should have known all along.’
‘Now what are you doing?’ Marie huffed and followed Kate out of Sam’s room, watching with bemused eyes as Kate flung on her navy suit and dragged a brush through her hair. ‘We don’t need to leave for an hour yet.’
‘I’ve got to do something first,’ Kate said distractedly. ‘There’s stuff I need to ... Oh, where did I put that bag of mine.’
‘Kate, take a breath.’
‘Marie.’ Kate came to rest by the door to her room and laid a hand on her friend’s arm. ‘Marie, I need to go now. I’ll see you later.’
‘But where are you going?’ Marie cried. ‘What are you going to do?’
‘Exactly what I should have done all along,’ Kate said softly. ‘I’m going to put this right.’
Chapter 30
The wind swept across the front of the court building, scattering litter and fallen leaves around Kate’s feet. The building’s façade was battleship grey, matching both the sky and the wide concrete steps which led up shallowly to the imposing entrance. Kate took the steps two at a time, throwing her bag over her shoulder. She pushed through the doors, ready to be assaulted by noise and bustle, but inside all was quiet. She looked around for Elizabeth. There was a reception booth on the other side of a vast, echoing space; Kate jogged over to the desk, calling out Elizabeth’s name as soon as she was within earshot.
‘If you’ll just take a seat, I’ll see if she’s available.’
Kate sighed in frustration. ‘I sent her a message that I needed to see her before the hearing,’ she explained to the receptionist, a moustachioed man in his fifties with a nasal voice and the air of someone who has seen it all before. ‘I’m sure she’s here.’
‘Then I’m sure she’ll come and find you as soon as she arrives,’ he answered, curling up his lip.
Kate gave up and began to prowl the rows of benches lining the public area of the court building. Others were beginning to arrive, little huddles of people, bundled against the cold. She wondered how many of them would be going home today happy, their cases decided in their favour.
‘Hey, what’s the emergency?’
The social worker emerged from a side door, looking poised and relaxed in a black skirt and white shirt, her long hair tied back smoothly.
‘Elizabeth!’ Kate fell upon her gladly, a friendly face in a foreign land. ‘I need to talk to you. It’s important.’
‘So I gathered. And this has to happen now? Before the hearing?’
Kate nodded resolutely. ‘Yes. It does.’
‘I see.’ Elizabeth sighed her weary sigh, then gestured for Kate to follow her to a wooden bench that was set against a wall on the far side of the room. She folded her hands in her lap and waited. Kate swallowed, gathering her resolve. This was it. There was no going back now. But it was fine. She knew this was the right thing to do.
If she was honest with herself, she had known it would come to this all along.
Sometimes the truth was just so damned hard to see.
‘Do you remember,’ she said, ‘the day I arrived in Corrin Cove? You said something that day that I should have taken more notice of.’
Elizabeth make a self-deprecating gesture. ‘I say a lot of stuff people should take more notice of.’
‘I’m sure. But this was to do with Sam. I was complaining about the way Sam’s care had been handled – about how he hadn’t been brought to see me, and about how I’d been kept in the dark – and you said to me, you said “this isn’t about you, Kate, this is about Sam”.’ Kate sat back and shook her head. ‘You shouldn’t have had to remind me of that, but you did. And even then it didn’t go in. Not fully. All this time I’ve been telling myself that everything I’ve done has been in Sam’s best interests, but it hasn’t been. Not completely. I’ve been thinking about myself, about what was best
for me. Or else I’ve been thinking about how angry I was with my dad, or my mum, or about how badly I was being treated, how difficult it has been for me.’
‘You’re being hard on yourself, Kate,’ Elizabeth cut in. ‘Those things are linked, after all.’
‘No, I’m being honest, and it’s about time. This was never about Sam, this was about me needing to understand why my father hurt me so badly and never said sorry, and why my mother didn’t care enough to ...’
Kate swallowed. She had sworn to herself these past few nights that she wouldn’t break down again. She had cried enough already over this. It was over. If there was any kind of line to be drawn here, she had to draw it right now. She laid her hands on her thighs and smoothed down her skirt. The gesture reminded her of someone. Who was it? Ah, yes. She gave a wry smile and shook her head.
‘Elizabeth, I’m going to drop the application to discharge the guardianship order. Instead, I’d like to apply for mediation so that my mother and I can share Sam’s care. Maybe he can spend part of the week with her and part of the week with me. I don’t know how it will all work out, all I know is he needs stability. He’s just lost his granddad, he’s just had his mother reappear after a year in a coma, and he needs us all to pull together.’ Kate registered the look on the social worker’s face. ‘Okay, you can roll your eyes at me, I’ll take that. But it’s not as if this was being offered from day one and I turned it down. It’s not as if my mother has made this easy.’
‘Kate,’ Elizabeth said, ‘believe me, I’m just happy you’ve come to this decision. I don’t care how you got here. The only question now is, are you going to tell your mother, or do you want me to?’
Kate followed Elizabeth’s gaze. There, on the other side of the concourse, stood Barbara and Sam.
‘She brought him here?’ Kate cried. He looked so small and lost, his hand in his nana’s, a woolly hat wedged low on his head.
‘She had to,’ Elizabeth said quietly.
Kate bit her lip, the full impact of their feud hitting her all over again. Oh, Sam, she thought. Being dragged here to this place so your own family can fight over you as though you were a prize to be won or lost. What have we done to you?
Keeping Sam Page 18
