“I’m doing okay,” I said non-committally. I was actually completed freaked out by what had happened at the café with Xander, but I wasn’t sure I was ready to talk about it yet.
She smiled at me with a little humour. “Just okay?”
“Well, probably better than okay or compared to how I have been,” I admitted.
“So tell me about what you’ve been up to the last couple of weeks.” This was actually code for “Have you met your challenges?”
“Umm…I’ve been at uni every scheduled day.” And it was true. I hated every second of it. Not the going to school bit and learning. That I loved. It was the having to leave the house and interact with others that I dreaded and deplored.
“Great and how did you feel about it?” I knew the answer Grace was looking for. It was the one they all wanted. Life was great and I was finding it easier blah, blah, blah. Only problem was it never felt like it got easier. I wasn’t big on sugar coating it for shrinks so I went with honesty. I was to the point where I didn’t care if they saw my attitude coming through. Wasn’t this the place where I could be honest?
“I hated it, but I did it.”
She nodded and I saw a hint of disappointment skid across her face before she reverted back to the neutral expression that shrinks were so good at projecting.
“Well, that’s something. Now that you’re managing to at least turn up to school, why don’t we aim to try and make the whole experience a little more enjoyable.”
I laughed a little sarcastically.
“Yeah, I love uni. It’s just the other five thousand people that are there with me at any one time that I hate,” I corrected her. I’d become quite cutting and cynical at times since the fire. Apparently experiences shape your personality and outlook. Well I seemed to have no trouble being “normal” around people I felt comfortable with. It was just everyone else I baulked at and let walk all over me. It was a burr in my side and I hated that I was weak.
“Well, if you’re going to go down that path, let’s be specific. You don’t hate them you just hate the possibility that they’re going to make you feel uncomfortable.”
Grace was right. That’s exactly how I felt and I was working on it. But it was still hard.
“Yes, you’re correct.”
She smiled and nodded. “And while we’re being honest, it is getting easier, right?”
I nodded annoyed that she was correct even if it was progress. “Yes, you are correct again.”
This time her smile had more warmth and she raised her eyebrows at me. Unfortunately, Grace was seasoned at this and knew all the games I played.
“So how did you go with the other aspects of the challenges we agreed? Where was the new place you went?”
“I went to the hairdressers for the first time since the fire. I’m not sure it counts though because I went to Cheryl, my mum’s friend’s salon, and it was late in the afternoon. There was only one other client there at the time.”
Grace looked at me thinking over what I’d disclosed.
“Did you plan to go, organise how you were going to get there, get your hair cut and manage to get home by yourself?”
“Yeah, I did all of those things.”
“Then it counts. Sure you might have known Cheryl but the setting was different and you had to make an effort and move out of your comfort zone. It may seem little, but it was a challenge.”
“I know but it just seems so stupid. Going to uni is so much more than that. Why can’t I just get over it and move on?”
Grace shrugged a little and smiled. I knew what was coming.
“Only you can dictate the pace of how quickly you feel comfortable. Although you may not like it, the physical structure and the process of getting to and from uni is now almost a habit for you. New places and experiences represent new challenges.”
I tried to process what she was saying.
“I actually suspect the process of having your haircut was more the issue, than where it was done. How many times have you had your hair trimmed since the fire? And before you start dwelling on it in your head, why don’t you tell me about it? It’s not something we’ve talked about before. I’d like to know”
It was uncanny how well Grace seemed to know me sometimes. Yes, I had been about to start “dwelling” on it as she put, it but I guess that was her job. To get me talking about things I didn’t want to talk about. I took a deep breath, as the hollow feeling in my guts returned with vengeance. Once again I could smell the odour of my burnt flesh and hair like it had just happened.
“When I woke up from the induced coma I’d been put into I realised my hair had all been cut off. It was singed and matted beyond saving. The doctors had also needed to get access to the burns, so my hair had to go. I was fortunate that it all grew back evenly except for one little spot just in front of my ear.” I did something I never did. I pulled my hair back from the right side of my face to show her the spot where hair didn’t grow anymore. I also noticed her scribbling on her note pad. I’d said something that she wanted to bring up later. I hated when that happened. Sometimes I’d just slip or say one word and she’d be digging and probing at me.
Grace motioned for me to continue. “So it took ages for it to grow out because they kept shaving it away for the first year. Then Cheryl trimmed it about two years after that to even it up. Last week was the next time.”
She looked at me and I knew what she wanted. Grace wanted to know how I felt about it. We’d got to the point where she didn’t even need to say the words now—a look would do it.
“I guess I felt in two minds about it. My hair really needed a trim to get rid of the dead ends and to tidy it up. But it’s also my shield and I don’t like removing any part of it for fear of weakening it or it not covering up as much.”
“Before the fire, would you have let your hair get to that state before you trimmed it?”
I laughed. Before the fire my hair was perfect. It was long, thick and the most glorious strawberry blonde colour. In fact, my agent had already lined up a shampoo commercial. Now it was my shield not a damned fashion accessory.
“What’s so funny?”
“My hair was always perfect. So perfect, they wanted to do a shampoo commercial with it.” My voice sounded bitter even to my ears. Like normal, Grace didn’t react just pressed on.
“So why can’t your hair be perfect like that again?”
“Because I have a patch missing. The hair won’t grow there,” I spat out, really annoyed now. Hadn’t I just shown her that patch? Wasn’t it obvious?
“So that’s what’s stopping you from having perfect hair?”
“Yes.”
“Well, as a woman to a woman, I’d gladly have your thick mane even minus that little dollar sized patch of hair rather than this fine ratty excuse for hair I’ve got. You mentioned before that you’re fortunate to just have that small patch that doesn’t grow hair. You’re right, you are fortunate that your hair is still glorious and I’m glad you’ve recognised that everything isn’t diabolically terrible.”
Ah, so she’d picked up on the word ‘fortunate’. That must have been what she’d scribbled down a few moments ago. Fortunate, wasn’t something I really thought very often. But Grace was right. It could have been worse. I had a friend Ellie who I’d met in hospital and she’d lost nearly all her hair. She had to wear wigs all the time now.
Yeah I guess I did have one or two things to be thankful for. It was just hard remembering to feel that way. Feeling miserable and down at the world was often a much easier proposition.
I looked over at Grace, feeling a little sheepish. Grace wasn’t your average type of shrink. She pushed back and hard at times. Grace made me face my fears and I both loved and hated her for it. At this point in my journey, she was exactly what I needed to push me ahead.
I looked at Grace a little resigned, “And you’re right about something else, too.”
“What’s that?”
“Your hair d
oes suck.” She burst out laughing and clapped her hands together, obviously agreeing with me whole-heartedly. Her hair was fine and ratty, now that I really looked. I’d just never bothered. I guess I got so engrossed in my own issues, I often forgot to look at what was right in front of me.
“Oh Eden, the world really does deserve to see your sense of humour and wit.”
I grinned slightly. “Yeah, it’s just my face that looks like a half chewed Mintie they could do without.” I’d meant it as a joke; but there was a level of bitterness and sarcasm that I just couldn’t keep out of my voice, no matter how much I tried.
“Eden, we’ve talked about this before. The first step in having others accept you, is to accept yourself.”
And that was the sort of psychobabble claptrap that just pissed me off. Easy to say when it wasn’t your face looking back at you in the mirror.
I stiffened my shoulders and turned my head away. It was the equivalent of a recalcitrant child acting out, but I didn’t care. That’s how I felt. These sessions always made me feel a whole spectrum of emotions and I didn’t enjoy that. I much preferred to try and keep my feelings on an even keel.
There was an awkward pause before Grace went on. She’d come back to this topic at some stage. I wouldn’t get away with it that easy.
“What about the third part of your challenges? Who was the new person you met?” My mind raced, I hadn’t really met anyone except him. But it was something that was precious and mine. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to share it. I felt possessive of that memory, that experience. Xander represented so many things that I’d shied away from.
I was contemplating that a little more when Grace pushed me again. “Surely, you must have met someone new in your travels at university?”
Nope, I hadn’t. Other than Xander. I don’t think the girl who said sorry as she bumped into me in the bathroom counted. She hadn’t even looked at me as she careened through the door.
Maybe I could get out of it yet. “I didn’t really seek anyone out but I had someone come up to introduce himself to me.” Surely that wouldn’t count, but at least sounded like I’d completed the challenge.
“Okay, tell me about that. Something interesting happened. I’ve never seen you fidget so much. I want to know why.”
My throat suddenly felt all closed up, just as it had felt when I woke from the coma. My palms were sweating as I opened and closed my fingers and I felt like a silly school girl.
Grace raised her eyebrows at me—a hint to get a move on.
“Umm, just before when I was having afternoon tea with my sisters.” Afternoon tea sounded so formal, but I couldn’t really say coffee could I? “A guy they know came and introduced himself.” That was the truth.
“That sounds very…routine. Now tell me what really happened.” It was then I decided that Grace would have been brilliant at prisoner interrogation, because that’s kind of how I felt. But another part of me wanted to gush about how this really hot guy had come up to me, just like any other girl my age would do. The only problem with that, was there was no way a hot guy would be interested in me.
I glanced over at Grace and she had that look on her face that said she wasn’t going to let it go. Her mouth kind of drew into a straight line and I could see tenacious written all over her face. “We were having afternoon tea as I said; both of my sisters do martial arts. We’d been there at the café a few minutes and their instructor came up to say hello to them. Then he said hello to me…” I paused trying to decide how far I was going to disclose. I closed my eyes for a long moment and ploughed on “and he took my hand and hugged me.”
I opened my eyes in time to see the surprise on Grace’s face and the little knowing smile twitching at the side of her mouth. “So tell me about this guy. What about him has made you so uncomfortable in sharing?”
“Who says I’m uncomfortable?” Grace gave me a look that said “Please!”
“There was something different about it him. I want you to explain to me what it was.”
And yet again I wished my private thoughts could be exactly that—private. Oh I knew logically that this process was supposed to be good for me, but knowing logic and feeling it were two very different things. I knew that better than most.
“He didn’t react to my scars…In fact, he didn’t even acknowledge them or say anything. I guess he treated me like a normal person.” Grace nodded at me, encouraging me to continue. “I even managed to look him in the eye and he didn’t look embarrassed, nor did he seem to pity me. He even invited me to come over to the dojo to watch a session whenever—he sounded genuine.”
Grace just gave me a knowing smile and prompted me again. “That’s great, now tell me about how you felt when he took your hand and gave you a hug.”
“I wasn’t expecting it. When he looked at me, he just reached out and took my hand. Then he leant forward and hugged me as if it was the most normal thing to do. I guess maybe that’s just him.” I was still trying to reconcile his actions in my mind.
“Maybe, but Eden this just proves what we’ve been working on. Not everyone is going to reject you or be embarrassed or make you feel uncomfortable. However, you’re never going to accept or realise that unless you give people the chance. Sure you might get an unwanted reaction from nine out of ten but what about the tenth person? Aren’t they worth getting to know?”
I thought about that a little. Would I like to get to know Xander? “But what if he was just being polite because I’m the sister of his students?”
“That could be the case but what if he turns out to be something more—a friend, who knows? Every relationship, regardless of the context, starts out with an introduction of some sort. Then the parties take it from there. So are you going to go down to the dojo? That sounds like an excellent series of challenges for your next couple of weeks.”
Grace was clearly pleased with the way this meeting potentially opened up new challenges. I wasn’t at all sure I was comfortable or on board with it. She glanced at her watch.
“Look, we’re almost out of time. How about this? I want you to go down to that dojo and watch a session. I also want you to initiate a conversation with this man and I want you to introduce yourself to another two people there.”
I swallowed hard as her challenges swam in my head. That was a lot to take in. “Umm, I’m not sure I feel comfortable….”
“Of course you don’t. That’s exactly why you’re going to do this. Come on, Eden. I know you can do this, but what’s more important—I know you want to do this.”
Now Grace was a mind reader.
Yes, I wanted to, but that didn’t stop me from being close to terrified at the thought or the possibility.
Oh hell, what was the worst that could happen to me? Words and looks. Nothing I hadn’t seen before, right.
“Okay I’ll do it.”
Chapter 3
Eden
I breathed a sigh of relief as I placed the last dish on the table. Somehow, I’d just managed to get dinner on the table as Tori and Sophia came barrelling through in a great rush. I had to hurry from my appointment with Grace to get home. It was all up to me at the moment. Dad worked as an interstate truck driver. If we were lucky we’d see him for a few hours on the weekend, but it wasn’t unusual for him to be gone for weeks, particularly if he was doing a series of runs to Perth or something like that.
Mum had taken a few months’ long service leave and was down on the Central Coast with our grandma who’d fallen and broken a hip. Soph and Tori were adults, but I’d gotten into the habit of looking out for them over the years because dad was always away and mum often worked the late shift in the hospital kitchen. They tended to handle more of the chores away from the house; so I’d fallen into the habit of doing the bulk of the ones around the house because that suited me best.
“Geez Tor, you know we can’t be late. Sensei will kick our arses. I can’t believe how you always seem to get caught with Mel. What can you two possibly gossip about fo
r that long?” Sophia sounded totally pissed off as she stormed through the house, and I caught a glimpse of her stripping off clothes as she went.
“We weren’t gossiping. We were closing up the boutique. You know the rules. Two staff members for close,” Tori argued back. She was right on Soph’s heels and stripping off clothes as well.
“Yeah, I get it. But it’s always you and you’re always late.”
“I can’t help it if we have a late customer and close is part of my job description.”
Their voices became a little more difficult to hear as they continued to argue all the way down to the bedroom they shared at the back of the house.
After the fire my family had initially moved into emergency accommodation until they found this house. All of this I realised much later. Those first couple of months were really a blur, except for the day I woke up. Even now I do my best to stop my mind from going there.
This house was smaller than the previous one that had burned down, but at least it was sturdier and better maintained by the landlord. Plus it was only a couple of streets over from where we were before. So everything was familiar location wise.
It still took me almost a year to feel comfortable here. For the first several months after the fire I lived in the hospital. Then, I was in and out for weeks at a time as they did all sorts of grafts and other operations to repair my skin the best they could.
I filled glasses with water from the jug in the fridge and sat down. A few seconds later Sophia and Tori appeared. They both quickly surveyed what I’d prepared; then grabbed slices of bread and slapped the cold meat, and salad I’d laid out between them.
They didn’t even take the time to sit. Both of them were hoovering down the food and finally looked at me as I placed dainty spoonfuls of coleslaw and potato salad on my plate.
“Just make a sambo. We haven’t got time for you to eat a sit down meal,” Sophia ordered me in an exasperated voice. She slapped together another sandwich, which I gathered she was going to eat on the way.
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