Still Waters

by Jayne Rylon

  “And you were ashamed.” Vaughn tried not to get angry. It took every ounce of his self-control not to ball his fists or shout at the injustice of it all. He didn’t want Bryant to misinterpret his emotions.

  “Of course.” Bryant looked around to see if anyone was listening. They weren’t. No one gave a shit about what two random dudes were saying. If anything, there were several women eying them up hopefully. Sorry, ladies. “Can we talk about something else?”

  Vaughn was sure now that Bryant still needed help dealing with what had happened.

  He wasn’t positive he was equipped to handle it, but he planned to try.

  It was the least he could do to make up for his part in the situation.

  “Sure. Are you staying out at Sterling’s place?” Vaughn wondered. Would his sister notice if Bryant didn’t go back to the cottage behind the beautiful house she and Viho had built for their family? And if she did, would she care?

  Vaughn had gotten to know her pretty well, since their shops were so close. She’d bring him coffee in the afternoons when she was winding down and he was gearing up for the busy evening shift. He’d even done a few tats on her—her kids’ names. Pretty, understated. They’d stand the test of time because they meant something. Exactly the sort of thing that would make him go under the gun.

  He kind of thought Sterling would give him the thumbs-up. Then again, she was fiercely protective of her baby brother. Just like every other Compton. They looked out for their own. It was probably for the best that Bryant had never told his father—or hell, his uncle Silas—about what had happened. They’d probably have done something violent and gotten themselves in trouble.

  “Yeah. Yeah, I am.” Bryant sighed. “I guess I should be heading back there before she gets worried. Besides, I’m pretty wrecked after today.”

  It wasn’t a super-long ride out to Compass Ranch from town, but there were plenty of wild animals that liked to jump into the road and sharp turns could catch him off guard in the dark. Especially if he wasn’t used to the trip at night, having been away so much of the past six years.

  “You know, my place is on the way if you’re not up for the drive.” Vaughn tried to remain casual, though everything inside him wanted to pick Bryant up, put him over his shoulder, and cart him off right then and there. That probably wouldn’t go well since Bryant was actually broader and taller than him and had learned how to scrap with the rest of the Compass Boys, who were no pushovers.

  Just because Bryant was less of a hothead than James and less rowdy than Doug or Austin didn’t mean he wasn’t capable of protecting himself. Vaughn had been shocked, and turned on, the first time he’d seen Bryant after he’d moved away. He’d clearly made physical fitness a priority despite the time he spent with his nose in a book.

  Vaughn wondered if it was precisely so that Bryant could fight back hard if he ever had to again.

  “Where do you live?” Bryant asked, cutting off Vaughn’s train of thought.

  “Above my shop. I built an apartment there. It’s not huge or fancy or anything, but it suits my needs.”

  “Short commute, too. Can’t beat that.” Bryant should know—him and all his family lived on the ranch they worked. Although the damn thing was big enough that it could take a while to get from one section to another, especially if going on horseback, which they sometimes did.

  “Yeah.” Vaughn nodded. “I don’t get to ride my horse to work, but I sometimes slide down the bannister when no one’s looking.”

  Bryant chuckled. “Well, since we’re so close, want me to drop you off? You could catch a ride out with Sterling to pick up your truck tomorrow. Or I could have one of the hands drive it back to you.”

  Vaughn cleared his throat and took his time wiping the last of the ice cream from his face with the shitty napkin. His chance was slipping away. He could feel it. And the last thing he wanted was for Bryant to rebuild the wall between them. “Or…you could stay over and we could ride out to Compass Ranch together in the morning so I could pick up my truck.”

  “Uh…” Bryant looked around, as if searching for a graceful exit where there was none.

  With any other guy, Vaughn would know how to handle the situation. He’d picked up plenty of men. Enough to have it down to a science. With Bryant, he had to be careful. Thoughtful. The kind of guy worthy of having him, if only for a night.

  “Look, Bryant, while I’d like nothing more than to pull some alpha bullshit, grab your keys and tell you I’m not taking no for an answer….” Vaughn shook his head. “That’s not how I roll. And I don’t think that’s what you need. I want you to come home with me. But if you’re not ready—”

  Bryant growled like he’d rip Vaughn’s throat out if he said that again.

  “It’s not a bad thing!” Vaughn put his hands up. “No worries if you’re not. I’ll ask you again tomorrow. And the next day. And the next day. Feel free to tell me no as many times as you like. You won’t hurt my feelings or keep me from trying again. Unless you tell me you don’t want me to do that either. But I hope you won’t.”

  Bryant chugged a bottle of water he’d bought as if his mouth had gotten parched at the thought of tearing up his sheets. “I don’t know what I want, Vaughn. That’s the honest truth. There are so many things running through my mind right now, I can’t process them all.”

  “I get that.” How many times had Vaughn waffled between heartache and lust in the past day? It was a weird combination. “You don’t have to decide right now. Just come with me. We’ll talk, hang out, chill, and if something more comes of it, fine. If not, at least neither of us will have to be alone tonight.”

  Bryant blinked as he considered. “You really won’t be disappointed if all I want to do is crash on your couch later? I’m not trying to lead you on. I need to be really clear about that, okay? Tell me you understand.”

  Lead him on? Why did that sound like bullshit leftover from years ago? Was Bryant still struggling with what his abuser had claimed that day? How he’d tried victim-blaming in an effort to keep from being slaughtered by a herd of loyal cowboys? Could Bryant still believe even a shred of what that loser had said was true?

  Vaughn narrowed his eyes, concentrated on keeping his fingers loose and unfisted, then said, “I understand. Perfectly.”

  “Okay.” Bryant nodded.

  “Okay?”

  “Did you really think I would turn you down?” He smiled shyly, making every one of Vaughn’s primal instincts roar to life. “It killed me to do it last night. I’ve wanted this for years.”

  “Me too.” Vaughn groaned. “Why the hell did you have to pick a college so far away?”

  “I guess you were right that day. I wasn’t ready. More so after… So I put myself out of range.” He shrugged.

  Vaughn squeezed Bryant’s knee. “Do you know that you’re safe with me?”

  “Yeah.” He paused. “I guess I’m just wondering…why would you bother? I’m a pain in the ass. Complicated. Surely you’ve had a bunch of boyfriends since then. You could choose anyone. Why me?”

  Vaughn figured the least he could do was be as honest as Bryant was being, even if it made him a little uncomfortable to admit it. “Plenty of sex, sure. Boyfriends, no. Not really.”

  “Oh. Is that what you’re looking for now? Otherwise, it makes even less sense. Why would you pick me to sleep with when there are lots of other men in this town who know what to do with a man like you and would jump at the chance?” Bryant cleared his throat when he referred to fucking around, making Vaughn realize that he still didn’t have much experience. Damn, wasn’t that what college was for? That’s what it looked like on TV, anyway.

  It figured Bryant was the one guy who went all study and no play. The urge to help him unwind grew until it was as big of a motivator as Vaughn’s rock-solid cock.

  “I’ve always found you attractive on the outside.” Vaughn trailed his knuckles over Bryant’s cheek then down his jaw. “Now that I’m getting to know you, you’re o
nly getting hotter to me.”

  “Same goes.” Bryant stood up and shocked Vaughn by holding out his hand. Not just to help him up, as he first suspected when he placed his palm in Bryant’s. No, he didn’t let go even after Vaughn was standing beside him. Instead, he led Vaughn to his truck and opened the door for him.

  That was a first for Vaughn. And he’d be lying if he said he didn’t get off on it. “I like that you’re different from the other guys I’ve been with. You’re special, Bryant. Don’t ever let someone make you doubt that.”

  Though he didn’t say anything, Bryant turned to him with a smile that transformed him from smoldering to irresistibly sexy. Vaughn had finally said the right thing.

  They couldn’t make it to his place fast enough.

  6

  Bryant climbed the metal stairs at the back of Cowboy Ink while staring at Vaughn’s tight ass in his perfectly cut jeans. He’d give all the water in the Indian Ocean to see what was beneath that denim. Was pretty sure that if he asked, Vaughn would show him this time. And still, he was too afraid to open his mouth and admit he craved a taste of this man even more than the vanilla-chocolate swirl they’d devoured.

  He followed Vaughn, who seemed more willing to listen than he had been in the past.

  And that’s when Bryant realized it.

  Vaughn had grown. Matured. While Bryant was still standing still, stuck in the same spot he’d been in since their lives had last crossed paths. He hated that about himself.

  Maybe it was time to do something about it. To unfreeze his emotions and desires.

  Sure, he was progressing on a professional level, but personally…not so much. Bryant steeled himself for the night ahead and hoped whatever happened would help him take the first steps forward. If he was going to do that, he had to explain the situation to Vaughn. Fuck.

  He did believe he was in good hands with Vaughn. But it was still hard to talk about.

  Just about the time he got ready to spill his guts, Vaughn unlocked the door to his apartment and ushered Bryant inside. Whatever he’d been about to say got stuck in his throat when he took in the sleek, masculine apartment. It looked nothing like the rest of Compton Pass.

  Completely out of place in their tiny country town. Just like Bryant.

  There wasn’t a hint of shiplap or a single quilt or distressed anything. Instead, it was all gray tile floors and honed black granite counters. Stainless steel appliances and high efficiency fixtures. Straight-line, simple furniture. Modern. Sexy as fuck.

  “Wow,” Bryant muttered as he kicked off his boots at the door, then turned in a circle, loving the open-concept floor plan. Though he couldn’t see it at night, he was sure the giant windows on the rear wall of the apartment provided a glorious view of the surrounding mountains. It was exactly like something he’d want for himself. He took mental notes. He’d either need to renovate Sterling’s cottage or build something of his own if he was going to stay on the ranch long-term. Something like this would be ideal. “This place is…”

  “Small, I know.” Vaughn winced. “But it’s just me. No need for anything extravagant.”

  “You made great use of the space. It’s perfect.” Bryant’s eyes were drawn immediately to a charge controller discreetly concealed behind a smoky glass panel. “Is this for solar?”

  “Yep. Not so useful in the winter, but this time of year I can get most of my power from the roof.” Vaughn shrugged. “Seems like a no-brainer to me. I also installed a catchment system to make use of runoff for the landscaping in front of the shop, and the toilet, and stuff.”

  And…Bryant was officially in lust. Eco-friendly, knew his way around the bedroom, not quite a cowboy but still full of swagger? Oh yeah. Vaughn was the one. He’d always been the one.

  Bryant refused to miss out on another chance with him.

  But first he had to come clean about his lack of experience so Vaughn knew what he was getting into, and so he knew to take it easy on Bryant…at least at first. Hopefully Vaughn wouldn’t change his mind if he knew just how fucked up Bryant was.

  Vaughn took him for a brief tour, though most of the area was on display. “If you need to use the bathroom, the only one is in here, through my bedroom. Sorry, I didn’t really think of having guests when I designed the layout.”

  Bryant knew what he really meant. He’d assumed anyone sleeping over would share his bed. Well, hopefully, Bryant wouldn’t be the first to break the streak. “I’d rather stay with you anyway. If that’s okay.”

  Vaughn blinked. “Of course. I just thought… I mean, I’m not trying to push you into anything you’re not comfortable with.”

  “We both know that’s not what you’re doing. I’ve been in that situation. It was nothing like this.” Bryant cleared his throat, prepared to lay himself bare. In fact, he was kind of looking forward to it. For years, he hadn’t had anyone who understood where he was coming from or why he was so damn cautious about finding a lover. “Back when that happened, you know…”

  Damn, this was harder than he thought. He took a shaky breath, but Vaughn beat him to it. “When that child molester attacked you?”

  “Well, when you put it like that it sounds a lot worse.”

  “Worse than what, exactly?” Vaughn turned to face Bryant. “How do you think about what happened that day in your own mind?”

  “I was butt-hurt when you turned me down. Because of that, I made a terrible decision. I just wanted a kiss. To know what it felt like to make out with a man. Instead, it was a disaster of a hookup.”

  “That’s completely crazy. Bryant, that asshole was on the prowl for someone susceptible to his manipulation. When he found you, he pounced. He lured you in so he could rape you. Plain and simple. That’s what he fucking did.” Vaughn’s teeth were clenched. The veins in his neck bulged.

  Bryant had never thought of it like that. Definitely had never considered the R word in regards to himself. Was that what had happened? Things had gotten out of hand, sure. But rape? He reflexively waved Vaughn off. “Not exactly.”

  “Did you at any time say no?” Vaughn asked matter-of-factly. “I don’t care what you said or how it started out. At some point, did you tell him you weren’t into it?”

  Bryant nodded.

  “Did he stop?”

  Bryant shook his head. They both knew he hadn’t.

  “Shit, if I hadn’t left you there alone that day, it wouldn’t have happened. If you want to blame anyone, it should be me. Not yourself. I relived that moment—the one where one of the hands said they’d heard Bill grunting and you screaming then saw Jake charge in there, or the one where I saw your face and the blood on your clothes after and realized what had happened—a million times in my nightmares, but I can never change it. I’d give anything to go back…”

  “What?” Bryant whipped his stare to Vaughn.

  His tortured gaze ripped Bryant open.

  Had Vaughn suffered because of that bastard, too? He’d never imagined the other guy might have been beating himself up or he would have reached out to put his mind at ease. Bryant didn’t blame Vaughn. Not one bit. He shouldn’t blame himself for the actions of a despicable bastard.

  In that moment, Bryant had an epiphany: Jake had been absolutely right. If he was willing to absolve Vaughn of any guilt in the situation, maybe he too had been a victim, not responsible for Bill’s vile actions.

  In that instant, he became a million pounds lighter. Vaughn had helped him without even realizing it. “Maybe we’ve both been too hard on ourselves.”

  “Could be. I think it’s time we fixed the mistakes we made that day.” Vaughn ran his knuckles over Bryant’s cheek. “You were so damn attractive, and you didn’t even have a clue you were causing every cowboy who was into guys within a hundred miles to nearly break their necks trying to catch a glimpse of you.

  “I’d been struggling to keep my hands off you since the first day I showed up that summer—tired from traveling and worried about what I was going to find here—a
nd you offered to help me carry my luggage into Snake’s house. I was frustrated that I couldn’t have you every time I saw you out washing one of the ranch vehicles or mowing your sister’s lawn, tempting me to do something I knew was wrong. I almost died that time I came across you and your cousins skinny-dipping in the back pond. When you burst up from the still waters, glistening with droplets that you shook from your hair and face while laughing, I swore I’d seen a merman or some other mythical creature designed to entrap men who should know better. You weren’t old enough for all the things I wanted to do with you. Besides, I was bitter that I wasn’t good enough for a Compton. I shouldn’t have let that bubble over and burn you.”

  “Wait, what do you mean you’re not good enough? You’re plenty fine yourself. For a Compton or any damn person.” Bryant took a step forward until he could look down into Vaughn’s eyes. How dare he say shit like that about himself? “Look at everything you’ve done. You came for your dad even though he hadn’t been a big part of your life, and you stayed for yourself. You’ve made something here, Vaughn. The shop. Your home. You. It’s impressive.”

  “Now, yes.” Vaughn stood straighter then. “Maybe I finally feel ready. For you.”

  Wow. Could Vaughn be serious? Bryant just needed one small double check before he launched himself onto the other guy’s bed and started ripping his clothes off. “So you weren’t really turned off by the fact that I didn’t know what to do with a cowboy like you? A real man?”

  “Nah. I would have loved to show you, to give you the answers you were looking for. But it wasn’t the right thing to do.” Vaughn scrunched his eyes closed. “I’ve never regretted doing the right thing more than I did that day…and every time I’ve thought about it since.”

  Bryant took a deep breath, then confessed, “Good, because I still don’t know what I’m doing. I need you to teach me how to please a real man. I promise I’m a great student.”

  “I…uh…whoa.” Would Vaughn turn him away again now that he knew that Bryant didn’t have a single shred more experience than he had that day?