by Violet Paige
“Oh there you are,” he said not looking up from his work.
I noticed that his hand shook a little as he wrote. It was a hereditary tremor he was born with, but it had gotten significantly worse as he aged. Between that and the fact that I was beginning to see early signs of dementia, it was time for him to take a break from work.
“Mrs. Prescott is already here,” he said handing me over the file. “I thought she would be a nice first patient for you.”
I opened the folder and skipped through the content. I knew the name well. She was my first-grade teacher in fact. In this small town, I didn’t think there were very many people I didn’t know.
Aside from the usual people in town we also got the occasional college student from the state university twenty minutes away. I smiled to myself a bit as I thought about that. After six years in the navy, I had more experience with drunken kids than old ladies struggling with arthritis.
Father and I didn’t really speak much. It wasn’t something new, its how it always was between us. Mom was the one which I opened up to, and then Mrs. J after her. So with the file in hand, I merely nodded and left the room.
"Good morning Mrs. Prescott. How are you doing today?” I said as I entered room number one.
“Hawk? Is that you? Your father told me you were back in town. Look at you all grown up,” she said with surprise in her gentle brown eyes.
“Yep, just got back about a month ago,” I said sitting down to take her blood pressure.
“And you are taking over your father’s practice now?” She asked conversationally.
“Yeah, figured the old man could use a break,” I said as I got out my stethoscope and listened to her heart.
“That’s a good boy. I always knew you were going to make something of yourself. Look at you now all grown up and a doctor.”
“What gave it away? The way I ate my glue in the first grade?” I said full of sarcasm.
“No you generally did that about the same way as all the other kids,” she retorted with more smile wrinkles on her face then I remember. “It was the way you were always willing to help others. You had such a caring heart.”
I gave a lop-sided smile at her words.
The day continued on much as the first appointment. A lot of people with minimal issues, as I expected, and all wanting to take a trip down memory lane with me. It was busy at least, being a Friday, and I was thankful for that.
By midmorning I was really getting into my groove of things, and it was looking hopeful that I could at least make my work life function smoothly. Working hard and efficiently was something I was trained well to do.
Dad and I for the most part just rotated every other patient that came into the office. It was a nice rhythm and seeing him at work gave me confidence that he wasn’t as deteriorated as I worried he was.
“Hawk,” he said handing me over a file, “you take this one. I am going to take lunch now.”
I looked down at the file. It was a little girl named Emma Jones. I scanned over it quickly. She wasn’t more than five, and it looked like she had been seen here her whole life. Dad was even the one to deliver her.
I couldn’t help but get a ping at the last name. It brought back a flood of memories of a life I had before the SEALs. It was a common enough name, however, and the likelihood of it meaning anything was minimal.
I walked through the door to greet the new patient, and my heart hit the floor. Sitting on the papered table was a little girl and standing next to her with her back to me was a woman I never imagined seeing again. She didn’t have to turn; I knew in an instant who she was.
Two
I heard a throat clear, and I turned around to greet Dr. Smith. I froze in that instant. I couldn’t believe who I saw standing before me. In an instant, I was gripped with fear.
“Hawk?” I stammered out.
He had changed quite a bit since I last saw him, but in a lot of ways, he was still the same. His black hair was longer now, and he sported a close-cut beard. As I looked up and down the white-coated body, I noticed though it was the same frame it was also much more defined with muscles almost bursting to get out of the confines of his clothes. His penetrating green eyes were still the same however though now set in skin bronzed by time in the sun.
I shook my head remember where I was and who I was with.
“I didn’t know you were back.”
“Well, I am,” he said taking a seat on the doctor's stool and wheeling up to Emma.
I immediately stood between him and her.
“We came to see Dr. Smith.”
“Well I am Dr. Smith,” he said looking up at me as I blocked his way.
“You know I mean your father. I would rather see him if you don't mind.”
“Well,” he said a little taken aback by my refusal to let him near my daughter. “The elder Dr. Smith is out for lunch. We are booked solid all day, so it’s me or waiting till Monday. I can assure you I am well trained in,” he looked down at the notes in the file, “sore throats and coughs.”
I hesitated a moment. It was dangerous enough that Hawk had Emma's file in his hand. What if he found out. I kicked myself for making this stupid risk.
“She has a pretty high fever too,” I said and watched him jot that down in the notes.
When Hawk left six years ago without so much as a word I saw nothing wrong with settling down in this sleepy little town I had grown to love. I knew it would be the perfect place to raise my daughter after I finished college at the local state campus just a short drive away.
Sure this wasn’t the life I had dreamt for myself when I had first entered my higher education. I had always wanted to take my swimming talents to more, maybe even the Olympics. But that had all changed when I found out I had a little life inside me.
I didn’t regret my decision to have Emma nor to raise her. Yes, it had meant giving up any swimming career dreams, but she was worth all of it. Now I worked at the local high school teaching P.E. and coaching the swim teams. Maybe it wasn’t as fantastical as I had initially dreamed of myself but I was happy, and Emma was too. That was all that I cared about now.
Things were going right for the two of us. I couldn’t help but wonder how that was going to change if Hawk was back in town.
“Are you just here for a little while?” I asked trying to sound as nonchalant as I could.
“Back for good," he said giving me a weak smile.
“And you are going to be working here in this office? Like all the time?”
“That is the plan,” he said raising a questioning dark brow at me. “Is that going to be a problem?” He asked still waiting for me to move out of his way.
“It’s just. We really like Dr. Smith. Emma can be pretty particular and shy.”
“Well, Dad will still be here for the next few months, but eventually he plans to retire.”
I slumped my shoulders in disappointment.
“If you don’t feel comfortable with this,” he said motioning between the two of us, “I can recommend some pediatricians not too far away. I don’t think anyone will be able to see you today, however.”
I weighed this over in my head. I was going to need to switch doctors, maybe even move away. I couldn’t risk Hawk finding out. It made me a little angry. Why should Emma and I haul our asses out of town to run from him? He was the one that up and left, and now I had to uproot our lives just for the sake of him.
“I just didn’t know if you planned to up and disappear again, you know, since your so good at it,” I said narrowing my eyes at him.
“Jules,” he said with a heavy sigh.
“No,” I said putting my hand up to interrupt him. “I don’t want to hear it. Just check over Emma and leave.”
I stepped aside and finally gave him access to Emma praying with all my heart he didn’t connect the dots in the few seconds he was about to interact with her.
Three
My heart hit the ground at Julie's harsh words. I didn’t b
lame her though. I did deserve it. I had just up and left without so much as a goodbye. What she didn’t know is that it was the only way I could have left her. There was no way I was going to be able to face her and still leave.
I had to go. I had to make something of myself. More than anything, I had to get out of this little town that knew everything about everyone. I wanted to see the world and experience life before I was chained down.
I was sorry she was a casualty of that dream. Honestly, once I had left and really got to experience life I never planned on coming back. Even now coming back I had never dreamed in a million years that Julie Jones would still be here.
I steeled my guilt on the fact that at least she had found happiness for herself. The little girl on the papered table was proof of that.
I couldn’t help but get a quick glance at her left hand. No ring. That didn’t mean anything though. Most people didn’t get married these days. She caught my glimpse and moved her hand out of view.
I made my way over to Emma and began the examination all the while acutely aware of Julie's closeness to me.
“Alright Miss Emma, I’m going to use this little arm ban to take your blood pressure. It's going to squeeze like a big bear hug.”
“Okay,” the little girl said putting out her arm.
She didn’t seem that shy and timid to me.
“You want to tell me where you hurt?”
“I told you,” Julie said a little irritated, “she has a sore throat cough and a fever.”
“I'm just going to listen to your heart and your lungs now,” I said putting in my stethoscope.
I had to admit I hated this part of exams the most. The plugging of my ears usually just make the constant ringing that much louder, but I ignored it as I worked.
“You have beautiful eyes just like your Mama,” I said as I shined the light into each one of her honey brown eyes.
The little girl blushed. I couldn’t help but look over the rest of her and sense a familiarity. She had lush black hair that still had a bit of a baby curl to it. I assumed she got that from her father since Julie's hair was a vibrant red auburn color. Other than her hair, however, she had the generic look of a cherubic five-year-old.
“You started school yet?” I asked as I felt her tonsils.
I could tell they were swollen and her throat did look a bit inflamed.
“Yes,” she said. “I’m in Mrs. Gardner's class.”
“Mrs. Gardner, you say. She was my kindergarten teacher too,” I replied. “Does she still twitch her nose and sniff all the time?”
“Yes,” Emma said with a giggle. “Sometimes we call her Mrs. Bunny,” she added in a whisper.
“That’s very clever,” I encouraged with a smile.
“Can you just tell us whats wrong?” Julie said impatiently. “I need to get her home.”
I looked back up at her. I expected to see her irritated with me, even extremely anger. She wasn’t either. All my SEAL training kicked in as I looked her over. Her body movements and posture spoke of nervousness and fear. Why was she so afraid to have me look over Emma?
The only possible answer I could find was that she didn’t trust me. Maybe she feared me not doing a good enough job. I didn’t blame her for not trusting me, but I was a little hurt that she didn’t believe in my abilities.
“I think its just a bad cold,” I said to ease her worry. “I am going to do a strep swab and flu swab just to be on the safe side, but there really isn’t anything to worry about.”
“Swab?” Emma asked inquisitively.
“Yep,” I said back to her. “Just a little cotton ball in your throat and nose. It won't hurt. Might tickle a little. It will rule out any bad germs.”
I wheeled over to the small desk with computer to type in my prognoses and collect the items needed.
“So do you still swim?” I asked as I typed away.
“No,” she said solely.
Julie and I had met in college at the pool. She was on the swim team, and I was with the water polo team. We saw each other often enough between both of our practices, my games, and her meets.
I had fallen for her from the moment I saw her. I smiled at the memory of our first encounter. It took me a while to convince her to go on a date with me. We had the perfect relationship in my books. It was just at the wrong time.
I had to leave before I was tied down to this small town. I guess, in the end, it didn’t really matter for me. I was still tied to this small town, and all that I was free of was Julie. It was the one thing I would have rather not been free of.
I took my two swabs and quickly as possible. Julie's nervousness was setting off my own nerves. The last thing I needed was to lose my head in the middle of an exam.
“I’ll be back in a few minutes with the results,” I said more to Emma then Julie as I took the two swabs and headed out.
I walked out and over to the small lab where we did our basic tests. It wouldn’t take more than five minutes to get the results. I didn't think Julie's little girl had any severe conditions like strep or the flu, but it would be worth it just to cancel out those two options.
“So you saw Julie Jones," I heard my dad’s voice come from his office.
The door was open and was directly across the hall from the lab. I leaned out to look through the two open doors to find him at his desk writing something.
“I thought you were going to lunch?” I said back to him.
He shrugged his shoulders in response.
“Cute little girl, don't you think?” He said this time setting his pen down and looking at me over his spectacles.
“If this is the part where you tell me I missed out on the best thing in my life, I’m really not in the mood to hear it.”
I was probably a little gruffer then I needed to be, but I didn’t need one of those ‘I told you not to go’ talks from him. He had never come right out and said that he didn’t want me to join up, but then again we just about never actually spoke more than a few words to each other. He didn’t have to tell me for me to know he didn’t approve of me leaving and joining the SEALS.
Luckily at that moment, the last test dinged, and I got the results. Without another word to my father at the other end of the hall, I strolled out of the lab and into the small room to give Julie Jones and her daughter the good news.
“It’s not strep or the flu. Most likely it's just a nasty cold. Popsicles for hydration, Tylenol for the fever, and a lot of bed rest.”
“I don’t need you to tell me how to be a parent,” Julie spat back at me. “I know all that. I was hoping you would give me something that actually might help,” she added as she scooped up her purse.
“Sorry, nothing else will really help. You just got to wait it out. Which means,” I said turning to Emma and giving her a Jolly Rancher I confiscated for her, “lots of couch time and cartoons.”
“Thank you,” she said taking the hard candy out of my hand.
“Mrs. J has a little treasure box of stickers and little toys on your way out,” I added to Emma as I helped her down from the table.
“I’d like to have her come back if things get any worse or any new symptoms show up,” I said back to Julie. “I’ll have the office cell on me all weekend so if you need anything just call.”
“Okay, sure,” she responded with little heart in it. “Okay, come on Em let’s get you home.”
The little girl took her mom’s hand happily, and I watched the two of them as they strolled out of my office. I couldn’t help but feel that ping of regret in losing her as I watched Julie go. I told myself she had to be better off now, she had the little girl after all, but a part of me still wished she was mine.
I sat back down in the doctor's chair as I took in all that had just occurred in that room. I thought about that little girl some more. There was something so familiar about her. Then I looked at her records again. She was five years old.
For a second it made me a little mad. I left six years ago. Julie
must have bounced back quicker then I thought from my leaving to have a kid a year later.
I hauled in my tracks at the thought. Looking at Emma’s birth date one last time I did some quick math before cursing out loud.
Four
“How about we get a smoothy on the way home?” I called back to the backseat.
“Okay,” a soft voice answered in response.
I looked in the rearview mirror to catch a glimpse of Emma in her high back seat. She had her pink bear lovey wrapped tight in her arm while she fiddled with the tag with one hand and sucked her thumb with the other. It was a gift from my parents the day she was born. Just this little gift shop toy they picked up on their way in to see their granddaughter for the first time. There wasn’t a night that little pink bear wasn’t at her side now.
“You feeling tired, sweetheart,” I asked.
I knew she almost never sucked her thumb now unless she wasn’t feeling well or really tired.
She merely nodded in response.
“How come it was a new doctor today?” she finally removed her thumb to ask.
“Um,” I hesitated not wanting her to attach her memory to Hawk anymore than the one encounter. “Dr. Smith is getting old, so his son is going to start being the doctor there.”
“He was nice,” she said quietly.
“He was,” I said struggling to hide my own emotions from her.
In reality, seeing Hawk again had been a slap across the face. I worked so hard to bury down my broken heart after he up and left. It was made that much easier as a new mom. I often didn’t have time to think let alone sulk around. In that one instant of seeing him, it all come flooding back to me.
I had the sudden need to flee. If I could run away, I could continue to live in this relatively blissful life where he left, and I didn’t have to face these emotions resurfacing.
A quick trip through a drive-through to get Em a fruit smoothy and we were headed back home. As I pulled into our apartment complex, I couldn’t help but wonder how much they would charge for me to end my contract early.
