by Noelle Adams
Ben had put it off as long as possible, but he eventually had to put on the tux. It fit perfectly, after the adjustments the store had made, but it still felt like it was constricting his airwaves.
He didn’t look at himself in the mirror before he left because he didn’t want to see himself as a Damon.
And he was deeply afraid that was how he looked.
This fear was realized when he came downstairs and his mother almost broke down into tears when she saw him. She didn’t say anything. Just reached up to pat his face. But he could tell how emotional she was.
She wanted him to be a Damon, and now she thought he was again.
He was waiting downstairs with his mother when Mandy came down in the gorgeous red gown, with her hair pulled up in a knot at the nape of her neck.
She was stunning, and he immediately had to urge to drag her upstairs to take the gown off. That would mean he could take off this tux too.
“You look amazing,” Mandy murmured, gazing up at him almost shyly.
He could tell she meant it—she looked surprised, almost awed, at his appearance.
And that sent another wave of cold fear down his spine. Because she liked the man she was seeing right now—the Damon man in the tux.
And that wasn’t Ben. It just wasn’t him.
They took a hired car over to the event hall where they cotillion was taking place. He tried to act natural, but he didn’t think he was doing a good job. But maybe Mandy and his mother would just think he was uncomfortable about doing this kind of social occasion.
He was uncomfortable, but not just from that.
It felt like he was a stranger in his own skin, like he was going back in time to when every breath was constricted, where he existed in invisible shackles that had taken him years to throw off.
He couldn’t go back there. He couldn’t breathe there.
He was having trouble breathing in the car, and at one point he heard himself take a ragged breath.
Mandy was sitting beside him and she reached over to put a hand on his arm. “Are you okay?” she asked, looking worried and beautiful and elegant and like she belonged on the arm of a man who wanted to wear a tux.
“Yeah. I’m fine.” It was a lie, but he said it anyway, because she was happy and he didn’t want her to ever not be happy.
When they arrived and walked into the ballroom, he saw how everyone was looking at him. He knew what everyone was saying. Benjamin Damon, the prodigal son, had finally come home.
But this ballroom wasn’t his home. He didn’t belong here. His chest started to tighten even more as old acquaintances greeted him.
Mandy clung to his arm and was charming to everyone she met. His mother was obviously ecstatic, which made his lungs feel even tighter.
This was wrong. It was all wrong. He was trying to do something nice for his mom. This wasn’t a statement about becoming a Damon again. But the world seemed to be functioning as though it was.
He danced with his mother, shuffling through the steps without embarrassing her too much. He asked Mandy if she wanted to dance, mostly because he thought she would want to, but she just smiled and said she wasn’t inclined to torture him anymore.
She must know that he wasn’t comfortable, but hopefully she wouldn’t know why.
They drank punch and talked to people, until he Ben was on the verge of suffocating, so he finally caved and said he needed some air. Mandy looked perfectly amenable and said they could walk out to one of the terraces.
It was better outside, like he could almost breathe.
But Mandy was still there. Still clinging to him. Still gazing up at him in concern. She wanted him to be a man he could never be, so he was going to eventually have to let her down.
The way he’d always let everyone else down.
She didn’t say anything as he tried to pull himself together, which was a relief. After a few minutes, he said they could go back inside.
“We don’t have to,” she murmured. “We can stay out here. Or go home if you need to. Or whatever.”
“I’m fine. I need to dance with my mom at least once more.”
“Ben, if there’s something wr—”
He was afraid for her to finish the sentence because that would mean he’d have to give her a response. So he interrupted, “Let’s go back in.”
He felt something droop in her body, but she went with him quietly. As they walked down the hall, he caught sight of the two of them in a large, ornate mirror on one wall.
The glimpse of their reflection slammed into Ben with all the force of a blow.
They looked beautiful, elegant, affluent, cultured, high-class. Like they belonged together.
He looked like a Damon, and Mandy looked like she belonged with a Damon.
And he saw his whole future stretching out before him.
Mandy wanted a stable husband and family, and Ben wanted to give her anything she desired. So he would try to be who she thought he was, who she expected him to be. And he would become a Damon again because that was the kind of man she really wanted.
And with it would come all the pressure and unreasonable expectations and intractability and shackles that he’d thrown off six years ago.
He would spend the rest of his life barely able to breathe because that was the man Mandy really wanted.
She didn’t really want him. She wanted who he might turn into.
Which meant he’d been right all along.
No matter how desperately in love with her he was, Mandy just wasn’t for him.
Ten
Something was wrong with Ben.
Mandy had been on a blissful eye since she’d found Ben in the bathroom with the scissors a few nights ago, her mind whirling with what seemed to be happening between the two of them.
As she got dressed for the cotillion that evening, she felt like she was genuinely connected with someone—not just with Ben, but also with his mother. It was the feeling she’d been craving for so long, and the reality of it buzzed ecstatically in her head.
But, as the evening continued, she kept noticing Ben withdrawing. At first, she just thought he was awkward and self-conscious about being in the kind of social situation he’d avoided for so long. But then it started to feel like more than that.
It felt like with his retreating from her.
And it sent her blissful high crashing down into a weight of fear.
She wasn’t going to overreact, though. Something had happened between her and Ben this week—their relationship had been decided in an undeniable way. She wasn’t going to start doubting it already, just because he was acting kind of standoffish.
He looked tense and overly hot as they walked outside back into the ballroom. His handsome face—still vaguely unfamiliar without the beard—was set in a kind of controlled expression that really worried her.
All evening, he hadn’t pulled away when she took his arm or leaned against him. He’d replied appropriately to everything she’d said and everything anyone else had said to him. He hadn’t been anything but polite to her.
And that alone was cause for her anxiety. Ben never behaved himself so well. It was proof that something was really wrong.
“Will you be okay if I dance with my mom again?”
“Of course.” She smiled up at him. “I’m fine.”
She wasn’t fine. She was really nervous, but she wasn’t going to keep Ben from being a good son just because she was feeling so irrationally insecure.
She watched as Ben went over to his mom, who’d been talking with a group of other women, and then she smiled as he took her out to the dance floor.
His mother was so happy. That was clear for all to see. If only Ben would look happy to.
“Good job getting him to shave the beard.”
Mandy jerked in surprise as the voice beside her, and she turned her head to see Deanna Beaufort in a lovely pale green gown that matched her eyes.
“It’s Deanna,” the young woman said with a gri
n. “We met the other day.”
“I remember,” Mandy replied with an answering smile. “It’s great to see you again.”
“You look beautiful. I love that dress.”
Mandy glanced down at her new evening gown. She’d felt so beautiful earlier, but now she was too uptight about Ben to enjoy her prettiness. “Thanks. You look lovely too.”
Deanna’s mouth twitched. “Thanks. Don’t tell anyone, but my sister actually made this dress.”
“What? Are you serious? That’s an amazing dress. It looks designer. I can’t believe she made it.”
“Yeah. She’s good. We just don’t have money for an expensive dress, but Grandmamma insisted I come because all the eligible men will be here. I feel like freakin’ Cinderella.” She sighed dramatically, and then slanted Mandy an ironic look. “I’m afraid soon she’s going to announce that she’s arranged a marriage for me.”
Mandy chuckled. “Surely it won’t come to that.”
“I wouldn’t put it past her. The family fortunes must be recovered, and I’m the oldest daughter, so I get sold off first. You and Benjamin are definitely together now, right? I’ve been telling Grandmamma that he’s taken, and I’d like to confirm that it’s true.”
Caught off guard, Mandy blushed and dropped her eyes. “Oh. I…uh, guess we are.”
“Thank God. I’m happy he found someone, but mostly I’m happy that Grandmamma can’t embarrass me by throwing me at him.” Deanna turned her gaze back to the dance floor. “He looks like he’s ready to tear his hair out.”
Mandy’s eyes returned to Ben, and her anxiety returned, after the brief distraction. “Yeah. He’s really uncomfortable in the tux, but he didn’t want to disappoint his mom.”
“He was always like that. I mean, back in high school—before he…he changed. He was always a big people-pleaser.”
“Really?” Mandy turned back to the other woman in surprise. She couldn’t imagine Ben—even a very young Ben—being someone who put a priority on pleasing other people.
“Yeah. He got good grades and he was great at sports and he was everyone’s friend. He went out of his way to make sure everyone was happy with him. Especially his family. His uncle. Sometimes…”
“Sometimes what?”
“Sometimes I wonder if it was just too much. He was trying so hard to keep everyone else happy that he just kind of lost himself.”
“Yeah,” Mandy breathed, her eyes resting on Ben’s stiff, handsome face. “That’s kind of what happened.”
Deanna put a hand on Mandy’s arm. “I’m glad you’ve brought him back. He doesn’t have to be that boy he was before, but I think he needs to be himself.”
“He does.” Even as she said the words, Mandy knew they were true. The person Ben had been for the last six years wasn’t really him—any more than the fake Damon-man he was trying so hard not to be. Surely he didn’t have to choose between one and the other.
Surely he could be something in between—the man he really was.
She was encouraged by the thought and wanted to talk to Ben about it. Maybe it would encourage him too.
“Oops,” Deanna said under her breath. “I see Grandmamma coming this way. I’ll talk to you later.”
Mandy said goodbye, and then turned to see a tiny and very intimidating older woman approaching, with steel-gray hair in a bun and a determined expression. She couldn’t help but laugh softly. Poor Deanna. Having to deal with that woman as a grandmother.
She forgot the thought as the dance ended and Ben and his mother started toward her. They chatted for a while—Mandy and Mrs. Damon, not Ben—and then she took Ben’s arm and said that now she needed some air, like he had earlier.
So they went back out to the terrace.
He hadn’t said much of anything, and he was looking more closed-off than ever, so her determination to talk to him suddenly drooped.
It didn’t look like he wanted to talk to her. It looked like he wanted to get away from her. She swallowed over her growing nerves as they walked out to the railing that broke the terrace from the surrounding gardens. When they’d stopped, she gently stroked up the length of Ben’s arm. “Is everything okay?” she asked softly.
“Yes.” He met her eyes, as if to make the word convincing.
She wasn’t convinced. Her blood started to throb in her veins as she sensed something bad about to come.
She’d been so happy for the last few days, waking up in Ben’s arms. She’d thought they had a future. How could it have fallen apart like this in the course of one evening?
“I don’t think you’re okay. Do you need to go home?”
He shook his head and stared out at the pink and yellow rose bushes just in front of them. The fragrance of the flowers wafted over, filling the air with a deep, floral, summer scent.
“Ben, if something is wrong, you need to tell me.”
“I will tell you.”
She released a long breath and tried to make herself think clearly, not get overwhelmed with the crushing disappointment that seemed to lurking just on the edges of her mind.
This may not be what she was thinking. It may be something entirely different.
“If we’re going to be together, then you need to tell me the truth. I know something is wrong.”
He turned his head in a strange, jerky motion so his face was even farther away from her. His shoulders were so stiff she could see the tension beneath the expensive fabric of his tuxedo.
She sucked in a quick, harsh breath. “We…we are together, aren’t we?”
He still didn’t say anything. She was used to him being closed-mouthed and grumpy, but it had never felt like this before. Like he was slamming down walls before her eyes.
Walls against her.
“Ben, please talk to me,” she said, as gently as she could. “It’s not fair to close me out of whatever is going on with you. It makes me think it’s something about me.”
“I know it’s not fair,” he said, turning back to look at her.
“If you can’t tell me yet, then I can wait. But please at least tell me it’s not about me. About us.” Her voice wobbled slightly on the last word.
His face twisted briefly, and she knew what it meant. She knew.
The crushing weight of knowledge slammed into her, freezing her in place. “I thought…” She had to clear her throat before she started again. “I thought you were going to try. I thought what happened between us meant…meant we were together.”
“I know.” He rubbed a hand over his jaw, as if searching for his missing beard. “I know. I’m sorry. It’s just moving too fast.”
“Okay.” She took a few ragged breaths and managed to keep her composure. “I get it. I guess it did kind of happen quickly. I was just thinking we were…” She broke off and rephrased. “We can slow down, if you need us to.”
“I don’t know, Mandy.”
He’d called her by her name before, but for some reason it sounded like a death knell to her at the moment. She wanted him to call her Cupcake again—since that felt more like he was with her for real.
“What don’t you know?”
“I don’t know if it’s going to work between us.”
“Why…why not? I thought we were…” She didn’t complete the sentence. She’d thought a lot of things, but obviously they were wrong.
“I know.” His face was tight with some sort of suppressed emotion. “You thought we were serious. That we would have a future together. That I could be the husband you’ve been looking for, the one who would provide you the family and security you want. But I can’t be that man.”
It hurt so much she could barely breathe. “Why can’t you?”
“Because the man you want is not me.”
And that hurt even more because she realized he meant it. He honestly didn’t think he had it in him to pull himself out of the dark corner he’d been living in for years. He thought he belonged there.
She reached out and grabbed his arm, squeezin
g it with her fingers. “I don’t believe that, Ben. You’re more than you think you are. You have so much more to give than you think you have. If you’ll just let yourself—”
He pulled his arm out of her grip. “I’m sorry, Mandy. But your hope in me isn’t placed in anything real. I’m not that man.”
“You can be, if you’d just—”
“I don’t want to be that man.”
His face blurred before her eyes as the emotion rose up too strongly. “But…but I love you.”
His whole body jerked very slightly, and he turned his face away from her. “If that’s true,” he rasped, “then you love Benjamin Damon. But he’s just in your mind now. I can never be anything but Ben Cain.”
And the worst thing of all was that she loved Ben Cain too, even though he wasn’t a man who could ever give her the stable future she needed.
She loved him anyway.
She shook helplessly for a minute as the pain and grief swept through her, but then she managed to pull herself together. “If that’s your decision,” she began, barely recognizing her own voice, “then we can’t go on the way we’ve been. I need a man who can commit completely, whose all in, who wants everything. With me. I need a man who’s ready.”
“I know you do. That’s what I’m trying to say. The man you need isn’t me.”
And that was the final word. She could hear it in the timbre of his voice and see it in the tension on his face. “Okay,” she said, almost swallowing over the one word. “Okay.”
She turned away from him and tried to take a step. Couldn’t.
It wasn’t okay. It was wrong in every way. But she couldn’t make it not happen.
She felt like she should stay. Not leave Ben to wallow in a bad decision. Be patient and help him work through whatever issues were holding him back.
But she’d decided a long time ago that she wasn’t going to waste her time trying to do a recovery job on a man who wasn’t ready for the kind of relationship she needed. Not when there was no guarantee of his ever becoming the man she was looking for.
She wanted a real relationship, a marriage, a family. She wanted to have the kind of intimate human connections she’d been missing since her parents died.
