‘Oh, well that’s a relief. I guess he’s just the quiet one then.’
‘More like he’s stoned all the time,’ Kate laughed. ‘He doesn’t have the energy to talk to anyone. They all like you, Lil. Don’t get your paranoid head on, okay?’
Lillie nodded and lapsed into silence. She didn’t want to get into a discussion about her tendency to always expect things to go wrong in her life.
‘Oh my God!’ Kate shouted, turning up the radio. ‘It’s them! It’s the band - listen,’ she instructed Lillie as she began to sing along.
Lillie smiled and sang with her. She still couldn’t believe she was going to go on tour with a proper band, with a band manager and everything. It was like a rock ‘n’ roll fairytale. Apart from the cheap hotels, the tiny mini bus, all the lugging equipment around by themselves and the teensy beer-and-sweat smelling dressing rooms at the small venues they were playing.
She sang louder to drown out the negative thoughts and pictured Jed, prowling the stage, wide green eyes glowing with passion and excitement. She was very lucky to be realising her dream, and even luckier to be doing it with Jed.
She wasn’t going to screw this up with her paranoia and mistrust. She’d put her life on hold for long enough. Now it was time for her to forget the past and look toward the future. Her future with Jed and the band.
CHAPTER TWELVE
Lillie looked out from the stage, trying to remember Johnny’s advice. Focus on one light, that was it. She picked one and stared at it. Her left leg was violently shaking and she wished she had worn jeans instead of the short tartan dress she had eventually decided on.
She clamped her hands around the mike stand and tried to breathe normally. She wouldn’t get a single note out if she carried on hyperventilating like this.
She vaguely heard Jed introducing the song. Panic overwhelmed her as she realised she couldn’t remember the words, even though she and Jed had spent two and a half hours practicing it. She looked at Jed and noted the concern on his face before he smiled at her and mouthed ‘relax’ just as Johnny ripped into the bass line.
Sweat trickled down her back, and she had to resist wiping her forehead. God, it was so hot up here. Jed nodded at her and turned to his microphone.
‘Oh God, oh God, I am not ready for this’, Lillie screamed in her head. She made the mistake of looking at the front row, a mass of expectant faces staring up at her. She noted that some of them were less than friendly. Pyscho fans.
Lillie closed her eyes and took a deep breath. I can do this. I have to do this for Jed. For us.
Her eyes flew open at the sound of Jed’s voice. She’d been concentrating on breathing so much that she’d missed the opening line. Shit. What was she supposed to do now? Join in? Wait for the chorus?
She glanced at Jed. He was looking out at the fans. She decided to wait. Nobody knew she was meant to be singing.
Eddie changed key and Chris’s drumbeats became more insistent. Here we go, chorus coming up. She looked at Jed again. He was perfectly still, eyes closed. Lillie felt a surge of desire at the sight of him so focused, so into it. She could do this. Deep breath.
She joined Jed for the chorus. Her voice was off at first, quivering with nerves. She stared at her light and focused on the lyrics. By the time the chorus was over, her voice was strong. Her heart was still rocketing in her chest and her leg was still shaking, but she felt a little more confident as they plunged into the second verse together.
She turned to Jed when it was finally over and he grinned at her. She couldn’t help grinning back. One more song to go. Eddie didn’t waste any time, he was straight into the opening chords of the second song. It was a long intro. Lillie could see Johnny pacing about to the side of her, whirling around as the rhythm intensified. She felt dizzy just watching him, and went back to staring at her light. Maybe one day she wouldn’t be rooted to the spot, clinging onto her mike stand.
Panic swept through her again as she realised the first verse was coming up. Her hands tightened into a choke hold around the mike stand and she closed her eyes against a wave of nausea. Breathe, just breathe.
She didn’t miss the first line this time. The song was a slow one and started out softly. When the chorus came round, she sang louder and closed her eyes. She was aware of the fans singing the chorus with her and Jed. The melody was slow and melancholy but the lyrics were bitter and angry, and she found herself wondering who they were written about.
She saw Jed take his mike from his stand, ready for the second verse. She remained statue still whilst he stalked the stage, her eyes following him as he moved right to the stage edge, reaching out to touch the fans’ grasping hands, sometimes taking a gift. A girl gave him a turquoise feather boa and he wrapped it round his neck before moving on.
He came back to her for the final verse and chorus, perching a home made ‘I heart Jed’ hat on her head. She smiled and risked unclenching a hand from the mike stand to adjust it.
Song over, Lillie stepped back and finally looked directly out into the audience. The front two rows were screaming and whistling, arms held high, hands clapping. She felt incredible. Hot, sweaty and shaky but absolutely amazing. Her heart was racing and she couldn’t stop the massive smile on her face.
She didn’t hear Jed thanking the audience, she was so caught up in the atmosphere. It was only when he took her arm that she realised it was over. She had made it through two songs without vomiting, fainting or seriously screwing up.
Her first official gig was a success and she couldn’t wait to get back on the stage.
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
Lillie had been much better last night in Bath. She was still super nervous, but she’d stayed on key and beautifully sung both songs in their entirety. Jed had been proud of her, and when she had smiled at him after the last song, he had felt his shoulders drop from where they had been tensed up for the whole two songs.
She’d spoken to her parents this morning whilst he had showered, and that seemed to have gone okay. At least, she hadn’t said anything to him about it not going well. She didn’t talk about her family that much. He thought it was kind of weird but he wasn’t going to push it. After the Portsmouth gig, they were going to see her younger sister, Tess, and Jed was hoping he might find out a little more about her family then. She seemed pretty close to her siblings, if not her parents.
He climbed onto the bus, heading for the back, waving his hand dismissively at Steve who was telling him that Lillie had to learn two more songs today. He knew that already. Steve was such a prick sometimes.
‘We have to go to the back,’ Johnny was explaining to Lillie. ‘Eddie likes to sleep when we’re on the road. He’ll get even more grouchy than usual if we’re all at the front making noise.’
Lillie laughed and sat next to Jed.
‘He’s in a pretty good mood today though,’ Johnny said, swinging into the seat opposite them. ‘It’s like his dream come true that Chris is getting a ride with Kate.’
Lillie looked confused and Johnny started tapping out a beat on the chair in front of him.
‘Shut the fuck up!’ Eddie yelled from the front of the bus.
Jed grinned when Johnny looked at Lil, eyebrows raised, and she laughed.
‘Johnny, get your guitar and let’s get these two songs done,’ Jed said, and they began discussing which two songs would be quickest to learn, settling on the short but fast paced ‘Wishing you weren’t here’ and one of the band’s slower, more melodic songs, “Bitter kisses”. Jed fetched a battered notebook from his own guitar case and found the lyrics to “Bitter kisses”, passing them to Lillie.
‘I’ll go through the first two verses and then you sing with me, okay?’
Lillie nodded, and he saw her glance at the front of the bus towards Eddie and Steve.
‘They’re not paying any attention Lil. It’s just us,’ he said, smiling as
she nodded uncertainly.
Johnny began playing and Jed sang, gesturing for Lillie to join in when he reached the second chorus. She was too quiet, he thought, smiling encouragement and indicating that she should sing louder. She had such a great voice, she just lacked confidence, and he didn’t know how to give that to her. It’ll come with time, he thought to himself. For now, he needed her to be able to sing these songs backwards. At least then she wouldn’t be worried about forgetting the words.
After an hour, he suggested a break, and Johnny grabbed three beers from a cooler and settled into telling Lillie as many embarrassing childhood memories as Jed would let him. Jed sat back as he told her about how unpopular they were at school and the relentless torture they went through, until the day one of the so-called cool kids had tried to take Jed’s 2000AD comic from him and ended up with a broken nose and black eye. Lillie gasped and stared at Jed with a mixture of surprise and reproach.
‘Hey, they never bothered any of us again,’ he said.
‘Yeah, he’s been our hero ever since,’ Johnny said, batting his eyelashes as Jed rolled his eyes and pulled his notebook to him.
As Johnny carried on with the stories, he concentrated on putting down some new lyrics. Lillie’s voice rolled over him, inspiring him to write another song for her. He was lost in the second verse when his phone vibrated in his pocket.
‘Break’s over,’ he said, putting his phone on the table and downing his beer.
‘Dude, did you seriously set an alarm on your phone?’ Johnny exclaimed and Jed frowned.
‘Yeah, so what? Lil’s gotta have these songs down before tonight,’ he said, turning to Lillie and catching her rearranging her expression from amused to serious.
‘Man, you are such a fucking dork,’ Johnny laughed, picking up his guitar and strumming a few chords. ‘Okay slave driver, which one first?’
They went through the two songs over and over until Steve announced their imminent arrival at their London digs. Johnny let out a dramatic sigh of relief and packed away his guitar, muttering about how he was going to have to bandage his fingers.
As Jed got off the bus, he looked up at the now familiar sign of the budget hotel and sighed. They were still a long way off from rock ‘n’ roll stardom. Still, at least Steve had managed to get two extra rooms on the budget this time. Poor Kate had had to pay towards her and Chris’ room in Bath, which Jed thought was pretty shit seeing as Steve could have bunked in with Eddie. Johnny had offered to share with Eddie, but Eddie had point blank refused. Johnny always paid the extra for a room of his own so that he could have ‘guests’ without making a roommate feel uncomfortable. He wouldn’t have cared about an audience himself, in fact, Jed thought he would probably enjoy it, deviant that he was.
Once Steve had checked them all in, making a big deal about how he’d scored extra rooms on the label’s expenses, Jed grabbed a key card, eager to play Lillie the new song. He thought it would be a great new addition to the set list, maybe even replacing “Car Crash Lives”. It was one she could sing on her own, he just had to figure out a way to get her to feel confident about doing it.
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
Lillie felt bad that she hadn’t really spent much time with Kate in the last few days again, so she texted her a message to meet her in the hotel bar at half one. Jed had said he wanted to spend some more time on the song he was writing for her anyway, a song he wanted her to sing on her own. Yeah, right, like that was going to happen. She was just about managing to sing along with him.
She found Kate doodling on a napkin in the bar, a large cup of coffee in front of her. She ordered a coffee for herself along with a club sandwich, and sat down beside Kate with a long sigh.
‘Oh my God, I’m exhausted,’ she exclaimed, sliding down in her chair to prove the point. ‘Jed’s been trying to make me learn this new song he’s written. It’s really beautiful, I can’t wait for you to hear it. It’s not a really obvious love song, you know? It’s subtle. You wouldn’t even know it was about us really. I mean, if you really listen to the lyrics, you can tell but it’s not soppy like a proper Leona Lewis ballad or anything. He’s so talented,’ she sighed. ‘He wants me to sing it on my own though and I just can’t do it, I know I can’t.’
Lillie broke off from her monologue as a waiter set down her sandwich in front of her. She looked at it in appreciation before picking it up and taking a big mouthful. Kate still hadn’t said a word.
‘What are you drawing? You’re very quiet,’ Lillie said, leaning over to look at the napkin. ‘What is that? Oh my God, Kate, is that a set design?’
She spotted another couple of napkins with drawings on and, forgetting how hungry she was, grabbed them for a closer look. They were T-shirt designs and they were brilliant. Dark and edgy, the perfect epitome of the band’s ethos. She knew that Jed would love them and thought that maybe this could be a way for Kate to stay for the whole tour. She took the last napkin.
‘Can I show Jed these?’ she asked Kate.
‘Ummm, okay,’ Kate replied, confusion on her face. ‘I was only messing around though. They’re really rough.’
‘I know but I think he’ll really love them,’ she took the last napkin and waved it at Kate. ‘Back in a sec,’ she said and hurried to the lifts.
Lillie burst into their room, talking before she’d even set eyes on Jed, she was so excited. She came to a sudden stop as she realised he was on the phone, his back to her, his whole stance exuding stress and tension as he said a tight goodbye to whoever was on the other end of the phone. He turned around to face her as he snapped his phone shut.
‘Hey Lil, what’s the big excitement?’ he asked, overly upbeat, a grin that didn’t belong on his face. Lillie faltered, his pasted on smile putting her on edge.
‘I, ummm, I was just with Kate and she was doodling. Doodling set- and T-shirt designs. For the band. I think they’re really good, do you want to see?’ Lillie said, holding out the napkins to him. He took them from her and took a long look.
‘They’re great. Exactly us. I didn’t know Kate could draw,’ he raised his eyes to look at her and she wasn’t sure what she could see in them. Relief, sadness, guilt?
‘Oh, yeah. She’s always been really good at drawing. Anyway, I thought maybe you guys could employ her as, I don’t know, Creative Director or something - ’ Lillie trailed off, feeling a bit stupid now she was in front of him with only a few napkins to aid her cause.
‘You know, we have been thinking about changing our image, changing up the logo and stuff. Let me talk to Steve, see what he thinks. Perhaps she could help out with selling merch and stuff, too. I’m sure we can find her something, Lil. I know it would mean a lot to you to have her about for the rest of the tour. As you said, I have the band so it would be good for you to have someone with you too,’ he glanced at her quickly. ‘Not that I think anything is going to go wrong,’ he clarified, ‘I just agree that it would be cool for you to have someone along for the ride apart from us,’ he stopped talking, seeming to suddenly realise that he was explaining himself too much.
‘Right, well, that would be great,’ Lillie said, wary of this too talkative and fake-smiling Jed. ‘I should get back to Kate, I kind of ran off in a hurry and left my club sandwich with her. She’s probably eaten it all by now.’ She laughed, wincing at the obvious fake tone of it.
‘Yeah, you’ll need to keep your strength up for later… big crowd tonight, new song and stuff. Don’t be too long, though, I want to go over the songs again before heading off to sound check,’ Jed said, walking over to her and kissing her forehead.
Putting her arms around him and squeezing tight, Lillie could almost believe that the last few minutes hadn’t been awkward and weird. Jed pulled away and tipped her chin up with two fingers so that she was looking at him. He gave her one of his long, intense stares before planting a kiss on her mouth.
‘I’ll see y
ou in a bit, ok?’
‘Ok, baby. Don’t be too long, lots to do.’
In the lift, Lillie felt her eyes welling up. What had all that been about? What was he hiding from her? Her mind went into overdrive, all sorts of scenarios jumping into her head. She blinked back tears and told herself she was just being paranoid. It was probably just his record company or Steve giving him hassle about something again. Maybe he was stressed about the gig tonight. She knew it was going to be their biggest gig yet, so it was understandable that he would be a little tense.
Having convinced herself there was nothing to worry about, Lillie slid back into her seat and took another bite of her sandwich as Kate looked at her inquiringly.
‘What did he say?’ she asked.
‘He loved them and he’s going to talk to Steve as soon as he can.’ Lillie replied. ‘He’s going to do his best to get Steve to agree the changes.’ She picked up her sandwich and paused with it midway to her mouth. ‘Anyway, where’s Chris today?’
‘I’m not sure,’ Kate said. ‘I think he’s gone to do some band stuff ‘cos he went off with Johnny.’
‘So, how are you guys getting on? Still good?’ Lillie asked, hoping Kate wouldn’t notice her overly chirpy tone. No such luck. She looked at her darkly.
‘What’s wrong? You’re being really weird. Did something happen with Jed?’
‘No, no,’ Lillie chirruped, ‘everything’s great..’ She didn’t know why she was so reluctant to talk about Jed’s odd behaviour and the phone call. ‘Anyway, I have forty-five minutes until I have to get back to that slave driver so tell me about you and Chris,’ she continued.
‘Oh, you know,’ Kate said, continuing to doodle. ‘It’s all going well, I think.’
‘Kate, is something wrong?’ Lillie asked, ‘You seem very quiet.’ Kate looked at her, as if she was deciding whether or not to tell her something.
How to Catch a (Rock) Star: A Story of Sex, Love and Rock 'n' Roll Page 8
