While it was cooking, she searched for something carbonated to drink. Triumphant, she pulled a lone can of warm lemonade from the back of a cupboard. Back into the icy chill of the freezer to get ice cubes; four left. She refilled the tray and put it back, making a mental note to buy some of those clever ice cube bags in readiness for Johnny’s arrival.
The microwave pinged and she took the plastic tray out and dumped it unceremoniously onto a plate, shaking out burning fingers. A spoon and her glass of lemonade and she was ready for whatever she could find that was half decent on TV. She settled down on the sofa and ate her snack in front of the screen, mindlessly watching the figures move about. When all the cauliflower was gone, she shuffled into her room to get her down and feather duvet and returned to the sofa, curling up under the comforting weight of it and letting her eyes close.
Two hours later and she was wide awake, a cold sweat slicking her body, her chest aching, breathing ragged. The last vestiges of the nightmare clung to her and she shook her head against the image of him and Jessica, radiant and smiling, having just got married. She fought to free herself from the horror of standing by, Johnny’s arm wrapped around her, one hand covering her mouth to stop her from interrupting the wedding, and watching as they kissed and everyone cheered. Sandra had given her a warning look and even Kate had looked disappointed in her for turning up.
Lillie kicked free of the duvet and stood up on trembling legs. Oh my God, she thought, that was so real. Kate’s face swam back into her vision, pitying but full of rebuke too. She wiped a shaking hand over her eyes. She hadn’t had a nightmare like that for a couple of weeks.
Food. That was what she needed. Then she remembered that there was no bread, no cheese, not much of anything except the scant remnants of the sugar laden treats she had bought last week. Sighing heavily, she pulled on boots and her coat, covering her hair with a hat and flinging a woollen scarf around her neck. She grabbed keys and money and shuffled down to the corner shop.
She loaded her arms up with a big bottle of diet cherry coke, milk, cheese, bread, a jar of jalapenos and, as an afterthought, some hot chocolate powder. Juggling her shopping, she stopped to peruse the covers of the weekly gossip mags. Not much news there – models with cellulite, actresses with spots, rumours of actors cheating with the nanny. Same old, same old.
As she turned away, her eye caught the cover of Kerrang! magazine and her heart fluttered. There he was, intense green eyes staring out at her from under slightly too long black hair. The rest of the band were positioned slightly behind him, Johnny’s face serious for once, a hand on Jed’s shoulder. Jed wasn’t smiling either, no lopsided grin on his lips. Lips that had once whispered in her ear that she was why he remembered to breathe, the reason for his heart beating. She stood, transfixed. God, he was so beautiful.
Lillie resisted the urge to reach out. She turned abruptly and dropped her groceries on the counter, taking a breath for the first time in a minute. She concentrated on not turning around as the teenager serving her rang it all up. She didn’t hear the amount, just handed over a twenty pound note and took the handles of the plastic bag. When the teenage assistant called after her to give her her change, she turned back and told him to put it in the charity box. Recognition glimmered in his eyes.
‘Hey! You’re Lillie Harris, from The Dead Hour!’
Lillie pretended not to hear him and rushed out of the door, eager to get away, not needing any more reminders of him. She speedwalked back to the apartment, checking behind her several times.
By the time she was back in the kitchen, she was feeling rude and guilty and contemplating going back to apologise to the poor guy. The bread and cheese caught her eye and the thought of cheese on toast with jalapenos overcame her fleeting guilt.
She’d go back another day, when she was feeling more human. Maybe she’d even take Johnny with her.
CHAPTER FORTY
Lillie jiggled impatiently, waiting for her first glimpse of Johnny. The fat woman in front of her seemed to have eyes in the back of her head and whenever Lillie spotted a gap, she moved into it, barring Lillie’s way to the barrier. Lillie sighed loudly and jumped up and down to get a better view at the people streaming through. If only Johnny was taller… she steered her thoughts away from tall men and resumed her jumping.
‘Johnny!’ She grinned wildly and pushed past the fat woman, ducking under the barrier and running full speed towards him. He dropped his bag and guitar and held his arms wide, smiling broadly.
‘Ooof, Lil, babe!’ He picked her up and swung her around and she buried her face in his neck and wrapped her legs around him. She hadn’t realised how much she had missed him. ‘Lil, sweetheart, people are looking!’ Johnny joked.
She clung like a limpet to him for a few seconds longer before reluctantly unwrapping herself and letting him lower her down.
‘Hey, you big goof. Stop crying,’ Johnny said, brushing hair back from her face and wiping a tear away.
‘I’m sorry, God. It’s just so good to see you. I missed you so much,’ she burst into tears and flung her arms around him again. He hugged her back and stroked her hair.
‘Lil,’ he said softly. ‘C’mon, sweetheart. I’m here now, yeah? Let’s go back to your pad and have a cup of tea and some biscuits.’
Lillie pulled away and laughed at his awful English accent. She wiped the tears away carefully, not wanting to cause any more damage to her make-up than she already had done. Johnny studied her carefully and raised an eyebrow.
‘I’m willing to bet you looked pretty hot before you started getting all emotional on me,’ he said with a grin. ‘Still too skinny but I can soon fix that.’
Lillie raised an eyebrow back.
‘You cook?’ she said, trying to keep the incredulity out of her voice.
Johnny looked offended.
‘Yes, I cook. My mama taught me three things, how to cook, how to do laundry and how to treat a lady right,’ he said, snapping his fingers ghetto style and Lillie laughed again, threading her arm through his as he leant down and picked up his bag and guitar.
She talked all the way to the car, throughout the drive and was still talking when they got into the apartment.
‘Lil, babe? Enough already!’ Johnny said, blowing on his tea. ‘You know how that accent gets me going, but please, just shut up for a minute. Shit,’ he laughed.
Lillie blushed and he reached over and touched her face. ‘Man, have I missed that colour!’ he laughed again and reached for a biscuit.
‘Okay, well, tell me about Christmas then. Did you have a good time? Did you get anything nice?’
Johnny fixed her with a look.
‘Right, okay. Your turn,’ she said, taking her own biscuit and a sip of tea.
‘Look, I know you don’t want me to talk about Jed, so I won’t. I’m not completely devoid of sensitivity you know.’
Lillie nodded and looked into her tea.
‘He called me,’ she said to the table, tears swimming in her eyes.
‘What?’ Johnny sounded genuinely surprised. ‘When?’
‘The day I signed with the label.’
Johnny raised an eyebrow at her.
‘I didn’t speak to him. I fell asleep and missed his call but he left a message,’
Johnny looked around the kitchen and Lillie rushed on, ‘I called him back straight away but he didn’t answer.’ Johnny had got up from the table. ‘What are you doing?’
Johnny was holding the house phone out to her.
‘One more time.’
Lillie took the phone, frowning.
‘Ummm. What?’
‘You can listen to it one more time and then I’m erasing it.’
Lillie gasped and clutched the phone to her chest. She shook her head, eyes wide in horror.
‘Lillie.’ Johnny sounded menacingly serious.
‘I can’t do that,’ she said, ‘No, no!’
She stood up quickly and raced for the door but Johnny was quick and grabbed her round the waist.
‘Lillie, wait!’
She struggled against him.
‘Shit! Ouch!’
She rammed her elbow into his stomach and pulled free of him, fleeing to her room and slamming the door. She sat leaning against it, phone still tight against her chest. There was no way he was getting rid of the message. She looked around for her mobile, getting up and grabbing it off the chest of drawers and returning to lean against the door. She dialled the messaging service and listened to his message again, before replaying it and holding her mobile to the receiver. She hung up the phone and finally let it go. She replayed the recording she’d made on her mobile twice, checking it had recorded properly.
Johnny knocked on her door. ‘Lil? Sweetheart, I’m sorry. I thought –’
Lillie opened the door and gave him the phone, her mobile safe in her pocket.
‘One, five, seven, one,’ she said, hugging him.
He hugged her back and whispered that it was for her own good and she nodded into his chest, feeling smug but guilty, before stepping out of his embrace.
He looked at her carefully and asked her if she wanted to listen again and she said no, telling him to just do it. Like ripping off a plaster. He made a confused face.
‘Band-aid,’ she clarified.
‘Oh yeah, okay. Plaaas-terrrr,’ he teased, drawing out the syllables.
‘I’m just gonna go –’ Lillie said, gesturing towards the kitchen.
‘Okay, babe. I’ll just be a sec.’ He started dialing and Lillie left.
***
He knew he shouldn’t but he couldn’t help it, he had to listen. He closed his eyes in sympathy for them both as he listened to Jed’s stuttering message.
Jesus, he thought, three months of nothing and then suddenly this stunted voicemail. Poor Lil. He would give Jed some shit when he spoke to him next. He went back into the kitchen and put the phone back.
‘Nice phone,’ he commented and Lillie smiled sadly.
‘It’s new. I broke the old one.’
‘Well, that was stup – oh, when – yeah, I could see how that would happen,’ Johnny said. ‘So, how about Italian for dinner? I make a great Carbonara, plenty of cheese, maybe some garlic bread to go with it, a green salad?’
‘Yeah, that sounds great. But aren’t you tired? You’ve been travelling for, what? Like, fourteen hours or something?’
‘Lillie, I do not tire. I have stamina,’ he said, flexing his biceps at her as she laughed. ‘Now, I’m gonna make you dinner and we’re gonna have some wine and chill out, maybe watch some period drama shit on the BBC before going to bed. Tomorrow, we start writing, so I want you rested and ready to write your first fuck-off awesome song.’
After dinner, he insisted on watching TV, intent on finding a period drama but was disappointed to find that British TV didn’t show them every night of the week and had to settle for vintage Bond instead. At least it was properly British.
Lillie snuggled up against him, falling asleep half an hour into the movie. He liked the feel of her next to him. He had missed her blushing cheeks, her naivety and innocence, her steadying influence on the band, even though she hadn’t known it.
When the movie was over, he carried her to bed, noticing how light she was. He hesitated over taking off her jeans and then thought that was stupid. He stripped them off. She didn’t even stir. He pulled the covers over her and watched her for a minute, aching at her fragility and pain.
God, he should have just told her. None of this would have happened if he had just ignored Jed. He could have subtly dropped it into conversation ‘accidentally on purpose’ and Lillie would have known the whole truth and everything wouldn’t be fucked up now.
Yeah, she might have been pissed off for a couple days, but she would have gotten over it. And he wouldn’t have had to fly over to England on the pretence that he was going to help her write songs for a solo album.
He smoothed her hair back from her face and kissed her forehead before going into his room.
God, he hoped his plan worked out or neither Jed nor Lillie would ever talk to him again.
CHAPTER FORTY ONE
Johnny had only been with Lil for two days when Jed made a phone call to him. Of course, he had planned to wait for Johnny to call him but after the first photos had started appearing on the internet, he’d felt an overwhelming urge to speak to him and set some things straight.
What the fuck did Johnny think he was doing hugging Lillie like that? He was supposed to be helping her write songs, not trying to get into her bed. He gripped his phone tightly and finished his drink. Stabbing at the keys, he called Johnny. It rang twice before he hung up. He lit a cigarette, savouring the burn in his throat. Better calm down before he spoke to him.
He took a few more drags before stubbing his cigarette out and pressed redial. It rang and rang, finally going to voice mail. He listened to Johnny’s irritatingly chirpy message, announcing he was in England visiting his favourite girl. Jed clamped his teeth together and breathed out hard through his nose.
‘Hey, man. It’s me. Just, uuh, wondering how things are going over there, you know, the writing and shit. So, yeah. Call me back dude. You know, whenever. Oh yeah, happy New Year.’
He hung up and shook his head. Shit. Maybe he should try Kate’s landline. No. Lillie might answer.
He stared at his phone for a while, willing Johnny to call him back. Sighing, he gave up on trying to reach Johnny with the power of his mind and picked up a guitar. His fingers hovered over the strings but his head was full of visions of Lillie. This was how it had been for weeks. The label had been asking to see some of the songs for the new album but he was totally blocked. Even being back in New York hadn’t inspired him.
He found his fingers moving over the strings, strumming out the first song he’d written about Lillie. The lyrics ran through his head, jolting him into the realisation that he had to see her. Explain things. He owed her that. Beg her to forgive him for being such an asshole.
He didn’t care if she had slept with Steve. He’d pushed her into it. It was his fault and he was a complete idiot for pushing her away and making her leave. She wasn’t Sarah. He loved her with every inch of himself and he wasn’t going to let that prick Steve stop him from being with her. He was done with being a coward.
He turned to his laptop and found a travel website, impatiently searching for the first flight he could conceivably get on. Tomorrow. Well, it would have to do. He was searching for his credit card, praying he still had some money left on it when his phone rang. Johnny.
‘Hey, man. What’re you up to?’ He hoped he sounded casual.
‘We’re just about to go out, Lil’s in the shower.’
Jed tightened his grip on the phone and clenched his jaw.
‘Uh huh, where are you going?’ He tried to keep the tension out of his voice.
‘Oh, you know, just down the pub. There’s a band playing tonight, so we’re just gonna check them out, have a few drinks, see the New Year in. How about you?’
Jed flinched at Johnny’s easy use of the word ‘we’ to describe him and Lil.
‘Jed? You still there?’
‘What? Yeah, yeah, I think I lost you for a bit there. I’m, uuuuh, I might go out myself. Haven’t decided yet.’
‘Right, sure.’
Jed thought he heard a mocking disbelief in Johnny’s voice.
‘How’s the writing going?’ He changed the subject quickly. Johnny laughed.
‘It’s only been two days, man! I’m just settling in first, you know how it is.’ He laughed again.
Yeah, Jed thought, I do know how it is. You’ve had plenty of time for hugging and kissing according to the photos on t
he internet. Bastard. He tipped a cigarette out of the packet and lit up.
‘Yeah, sure,’ he said to Johnny, watching the smoke shoot out of his mouth. ‘So, uuuhhh, how is she? Lil, I mean?’
Johnny didn’t answer straight away and when he did, he spoke in a low, angry voice.
‘She’s pretending she’s okay but she’s screwed up, man, what do you think?’
Jed sat up straight at the vicious quality in Johnny’s voice.
‘What the hell were you doing calling her?’
Jed took a sharp drag of his cigarette.
‘What? How do you know –’
Johnny cut him off, hissing down the phone.
‘She kept your message. God knows how many times she’s listened to it. You ended it, man. Leave her alone. Let her get on with her life.’
Jed stood up, rage taking over.
‘Oh, what, with you? You fucking –’
‘Fuck you, Jed. You made your decision. You can’t take it back now. So just leave her alone.’
Jed gaped in shock as the line went dead, dropping the cigarette to the floor, sparks and ash spilling over the wood. Douchebag. He redialled, ready to give Johnny some shit back. Straight to voicemail.
The phone hit the wall with a satisfying crack, smashing into pieces. How many phones was that now? His chest was heaving, his breathing too fast. Fury pushed the idea of flying to London out of his head and he grabbed a jacket and his carton of cigarettes, glancing at the clock on the wall. Three o’clock. He figured the earlier he blacked out the better. Tomorrow would be another day. A new fucking year.
CHAPTER FORTY TWO
Lillie shared a look with Johnny, the band was far too loud to allow talking. They weren’t bad, she thought, for a tribute band. Johnny had commandeered a corner table and they were sat tightly pressed together, sharing a bottle of champagne. Johnny had insisted. He had been recognised by a small group of fans and so had she. They had been mercifully courteous, not even asking her about her sudden departure from the band. Some autographs, some photos and they were gone. Leaving her and Johnny alone in the corner to celebrate the New Year together.
How to Catch a (Rock) Star: A Story of Sex, Love and Rock 'n' Roll Page 25
