Laurie took a breath, which made the pulse beat louder. Then flashed him a smile that drove it away for a moment.
‘I know you have concerns about continuing our relationship, Ross. But I want you to know that if you’re up for giving it a try, that’s what I’d really like to do.’
Warmth and pleasure drained from the moment as a challenging abyss opened up beneath him. Only Laurie could tip his world so completely. Ross’s shock must have shown on his face because she was staring at him now.
‘Say something. Please...’
He squeezed her fingers in what he hoped was a reassuring gesture. ‘There’s nothing I’d like more, sweetheart. But I don’t think we can do that.’
Maybe she’d leave it there, and not make him go into details. And maybe not. Ross reminded himself that one of the things he adored about Laurie was her ability to say exactly what was on her mind.
‘Why? Is this your way of telling me that you don’t want me?’
Ross closed his eyes, rubbing his hands across his face. ‘I don’t think there’ll ever be a time when I don’t want you, Laurie. What I’m saying is that you and I can never have a family, and I won’t ask you to give that possibility up for me.’
She reddened a little, her jaw setting in an adorably stubborn tilt. ‘What if I don’t care about that? What if I...’ She hesitated briefly, before continuing in almost a whisper, ‘What if I love you?’
Ross knew he loved her, too. It was the only thing that explained the deep sadness spreading through him at the thought of not spending his life with her. But he also knew it didn’t matter. He could give Laurie his love, but she deserved so much more. Saying it would only draw out this agony.
‘Do you even know what you’ll be doing this time next year? What you’ll care about? Because if we stay together, I’m not sure that I can let you go.’
Laurie sprang to her feet, pacing the kitchen. He loved her restless energy too...
‘Then don’t, Ross. Don’t let me go.’
‘Are you telling me that you can be happy with no prospect of ever having children?’
She stilled suddenly, pressing her lips together and staring at him. Ross could feel his heart hardening. It was the only way that he could bring himself to push Laurie away.
‘Can’t you just trust me, Ross? Can’t you believe that I can accept that?’
‘I trust you. Life’s the thing I really don’t trust...’
‘Oh!’ She flung her hands in the air in an expression of frustration. ‘We’re in control of our own lives, aren’t we? Whatever happened to not giving up?’
‘And whatever happened to facing facts?’ Ross could feel his brow tightening into a frown. ‘Or to making the best of what you have, for that matter?’
‘Fine.’ Anger flared in her beautiful eyes. ‘You make the best of what you have, then. Don’t give a second thought to anything else because it’s just too much trouble to try for it.’
That stung. All the feelings about his marriage came flooding back. Alice’s reproachful looks when she’d found that he’d failed her again that month.
‘Grow up, Laurie. You might feel that you can push yourself and achieve all you want out of life, and maybe you’re right. But none of that gives you the right to expect me to achieve the impossible.’
Her eyes widened in outrage. ‘That’s not what I’m saying, Ross. I’m telling you that we take what we have now and make something good from it.’
‘And I’m telling you that we can’t.’
Her lip began to quiver. If she cried, Ross wasn’t sure that he’d be able to let her go, but Laurie pulled herself together suddenly, straightening her back and shooting him that blank look that denied him any access to her feelings.
‘We’re done, then.’ She murmured the words, turning and walking out of the kitchen. Ross jumped as the front door of the apartment banged closed behind her.
* * *
It should have been an easy equation. Two suitcases in, two suitcases out. It was the way Laurie always travelled, never bringing home any more than she’d taken with her. The equation wasn’t working this time.
There were her clothes. They weren’t too much of a problem, although there were two T-shirts with the clinic logo on them and the fruits of a shopping trip with Ross, a pair of sandals that she’d bought to replace those she’d waterlogged, and a skirt she’d liked that he’d encouraged her to buy. They’d fit easily. The cork from the bottle of champagne that had been so much fun to drink, and which Ross had cut and inserted a coin into for luck, didn’t take up much space either. Maybe she should just throw that away as it stirred up too many memories, but she couldn’t bear to. She had so little of him to keep already.
There were so many other things, though. The comic strip that Adam had drawn for her. The two yellow feathers that had fluttered out of her T-shirt when she’d pulled it over her head on the evening of the school sports day, pressed carefully inside the programme like flowers between the leaves of a book. The rowing cap that Tamara had given her, which Laurie had promised to wear at her next competition, and the folder full of useful reading matter that Sam had presented her with when Laurie had suggested they collaborate on ideas for a new charity. Drawings from the kids at the mother and toddler class.
Then there were the books that Ross had taken from his shelves for her to read. They were a little easier. She’d only read a few of them, but she would leave them all behind, because there would be no opportunity to return them later.
‘You know it’s over when she starts to separate her books and music from yours...’
Grant had said that when one of the stream of girlfriends he’d had before he was married had left. The thought hit home now with a new appreciation of how incredibly sad the process of leaving someone was. She’d never let a relationship get far enough before now to exchange anything that needed to be returned.
She carried the books through to the sitting room, feeling tears prick at the sides of her eyes. Laurie wiped them away. This was a new kind of pain and it was hard to pretend she didn’t feel it.
This was by no means the first time they’d argued, two strong characters who enjoyed the clash of wills and liked the ultimate reconciliation even better. But this time it was different. Ross was right, and at the same time a little bit wrong. He’d said he couldn’t give her what she needed, but in truth it was Laurie who couldn’t give him what he needed. She couldn’t make him believe that stepping out into uncharted waters with her wasn’t going to lead to disaster. Her love wasn’t enough for that.
Now she could cry if the wanted to, and maybe it would ease the suffocating pressure in her chest. But clearly she didn’t deserve the relief of tears, and they wouldn’t come. She’d just helped destroy the best thing that had ever happened to her and there was no going back. Leaving might be the right thing to do, but it felt that this loss would overshadow everything from now on.
* * *
Ross had waited for the timer on the oven to ping, and tipped this evening’s dinner straight into a freezer dish, abandoning it to cool. Slinging himself into an armchair, he glared at the wall.
Why hadn’t he fallen on his knees and begged Laurie to stay?
Because it would have been wrong, that was why. There was no more talking to be done, no more making love and no goodbyes. This was the end, and going back now would only postpone the inevitable and make it worse. If the rest of his life was going to be lived without Laurie, he should accept it and get on with it.
But despite himself, Ross sat up late, brooding in the darkness and waking early the next morning to find his neck stiff and his leg numb from falling asleep on the sofa.
The sound of a car outside on the gravel drive took him over to the front window. Laurie had been waiting for the taxi, and the driver helped her load her suitcases into the boot.
Ross
closed his eyes. This was the right thing to do, but he wouldn’t watch her go. All the same, his lips formed the words.
Goodbye, my love. Be happy.
* * *
‘Ross!’
There was only one person who could lend that note of exasperation to Sam’s voice. An instinctive smile jumped to Ross’s lips and then he remembered, yet again, that Laurie had gone. It had been almost a month now, and that hollow feeling of loss never seemed to get any better.
He took a breath, waving Sam to a seat and leaning back in his own office chair. Sam and Laurie had been working together on the new initiative for teenagers, and he’d helped Sam as much as he could. It hurt when Sam talked about Laurie but this was his only remaining thread of contact and he held onto it greedily.
‘What’s on your mind, Sam?’
‘I so love that woman...’
Yeah. He could relate to that.
‘...and she’s driving me crazy.’
The chance would be a fine thing. Laurie could drive him crazy any time she liked, but Ross knew that she wouldn’t be back.
‘What’s up?’ He tried to focus on Sam.
‘You know the swimmer, Phil Jacques? Of course you do, everyone does. Laurie’s only gone and roped him in for a round-table discussion about sports training for teenagers.’
‘That’s good, isn’t it? It’s exactly what you need—a few household names on board.’
‘It’s fabulous. But you know when it is?’
‘I reckon you’re about to tell me.’
‘Two weeks’ time. At the conference in Birmingham that we were thinking of going to.’
‘Okay...’ Ross had been planning to spend a couple of days in Birmingham in two weeks to take in the conference and visit some prospective patients there. He wasn’t quite sure how he felt about sharing a city with Laurie, but his heart knew how to react. It started to pump wildly.
‘They’re going to do it in front of an audience and it’ll be recorded for radio. Laurie’s asked some other guests and she’s going to use this as an opportunity to announce the new initiative. She’s done all this in less than a month.’
That’s my girl.
‘You know there’s no stopping her when she decides to do something. So...what’s the problem? Aren’t you pleased?’
‘I’m delighted. Only...she wants me to chair the discussion.’ Sam shot him an agonised look.
Sam was the best physiotherapist he knew, and she was great with her patients. She had more than enough knowledge to chair any discussion about the project that she and Laurie had been working on, and Ross guessed that this was Laurie’s way of giving Sam the credit she deserved for all the hard work she’d done. The only trouble was that Laurie had underestimated how shy Sam was when it came to public speaking.
‘I suppose...you couldn’t focus on the fact that you deserve this, could you? Or that you’re just the right person to do it, and you’d be great?’
‘No. Ross, I really couldn’t. In front of an auditorium full of people? Recorded for the radio?’ Sam pressed her lips together, obviously trying not to think about it. ‘You couldn’t do it, could you?’
‘You mean go along there and take all the credit for your work? I’m not entirely comfortable with that, no.’ Ross wasn’t comfortable with gatecrashing Laurie’s discussion either. He wasn’t sure which would be worse, finding himself in an argument with her or being on the receiving end of her blank, professional stare.
‘But you’ve really helped us. You gave me that long list of contacts and wrote introduction letters to all of them. You deserve a bit of credit for that.’
‘I’m just helping out. You and Laurie are the ones steering this.’
‘But Laurie can’t do it. This whole thing is a fantastic opportunity for her to be able to speak about her own experience of the pressures that can face teenagers in sport, and she can’t do that and chair the discussion at the same time. Please, Ross...’
He had to suggest something. ‘All right. Let’s break it down, Sam. What in particular are you most concerned about?’
Sam took a moment to think. ‘Well, for starters, there’s what to wear. Then what to say. When to say it, whether to ask questions or not, or whether I should just introduce people and let them get on with it...’ She took a breath, and Ross used the opportunity to jump in.
‘That’ll do for starters. Can Jamie help with the what-to-wear-part? Go through your wardrobe with you?’
‘Jamie? You’re joking, of course. He says that I always look nice, so anything would do.’
‘I’d be inclined to agree with him. That’s no help, is it?’
‘No, Ross. It’s really no help at all.’
‘All right. Well, moving on, have you asked Laurie what she wants you to say?’
‘She said to steer the discussion. Get the best out of everyone.’
Ross was on firmer ground here. He knew exactly what Laurie meant. ‘All right, so that’s asking questions. We’ll get a list of the guests and work out some questions for each of them, shall we?’
He was pretty sure that Sam knew which points needed to be emphasised, it was just a matter of sitting her down, somehow stopping her from panicking and getting the information out of her. If he and Jamie joined forces, that would be a piece of cake.
‘Oh, would you? But when do I ask them?’
‘We’ll practise. We can get a few people from the clinic together, and we’ll have some discussions. How about that?’
Sam nodded. ‘Yes, that would be good too. But what on earth am I going to wear?’
Ross suspected that was Sam’s biggest problem. If she could go in knowing that she looked like a million dollars, she’d be much more confident. Even if it was radio.
‘I think I’ve got an idea. Remember Anita Lower?’ Sam looked at him blankly. ‘Compression of the third and fourth thoracic vertebrae.’
‘Oh, yes I remember now. Nice lady. In such terrible pain. She’s a friend of yours, isn’t she?’
‘Yes, and she always asks after you whenever I see her. She really appreciated all that you did for her. We’re overdue a lunch together, and I want you to come along too. As you know, Anita works as an image consultant for a number of the big TV companies.’
Sam stared at him. ‘Would she...? That’s far too much to ask, Ross.’
‘No, it’s not. Anita’s told me more than once that you turned her life around, and I know she’d be delighted to see you again. We’ll go shopping and...’ Ross waved his hand in the air to indicate that whatever it was that Anita did, she’d do it for Sam.
‘Shopping!’ Sam was all smiles now. ‘Do you think I can do this?’
‘My honest opinion... Yes, I think you’ll ace it.’
‘And Laurie’s going to be there, of course.’ A shadow fell over Sam’s face suddenly. ‘You’ll come, won’t you?’
He wanted to go, so badly. Just to see Laurie again, even if it was at a distance in the crowded auditorium of the hotel conference centre. To see her life moving forward, because that was the only thing he had to hold onto. That Laurie should be happy, because he couldn’t imagine himself being truly happy again.
‘I’ll have to see.’
‘See what? The same thing that Laurie was going to have to see when I suggested she invite you along? I know you two were close, Ross...’ Sam turned the corners of her mouth down. ‘You argued, didn’t you?’
There was no point in denying it. Sam wasn’t blind, and she was a good friend. She’d navigated a difficult situation with her customary ease, allowing Ross to support the initiative in many small ways, without ever asking why he did it through her and not by contacting Laurie himself.
‘It’s complicated, Sam.’
‘I dare say it is. You know what’s really ironic?’
A feeling of iro
ny wasn’t one of the emotions he’d experienced yet. He may as well, the others were a lot more draining.
‘What’s that?’
‘I’ve known you a long time, but this is the first time that you’ve ever thought that complicated was a reason not to do something. Laurie’s just the same. The more complicated and challenging something is, the better she likes it.’
He shouldn’t ask. It wasn’t fair to Sam, but he couldn’t help it.
‘How is she?’
Sam considered the question for a moment. ‘I know you need to know, so I’ll tell you. Just this once because I’m not going to be a go-between.’ She paused, looking for Ross’s assent, and he nodded.
‘She’s well. Her hip is in really good shape and she’s getting back to full fitness now. She’s working every waking hour, just as you are...’ Sam shot him a knowing look. ‘I see the same thing in both of you. Whatever happened between you broke both your hearts.’
Ross nodded. Sam was looking at him expectantly. Taking a deep breath, he said, ‘She told me she loved me, that she wanted us to try to build a relationship together.’
Sam smiled sadly. ‘And you said no.’ It wasn’t a question. He nodded again. ‘Why?’
‘Because I can’t do it again, I can’t be responsible for ruining someone else’s dreams.’
‘You weren’t responsible for ruining Alice’s dreams, Ross. She was wrong to put that on you. But you’re wrong to push Laurie away. Clearly she knows about your fertility issue and yet she still wanted to be with you. You’re denying yourself a chance at happiness—don’t! Opportunities like this don’t come along every day, when it’s there in front of you, telling you you’re loved and wanted? That’s when you grab it with both hands. Now, the question is, what are you going to do about it?’
Ross stared dumbly at Sam, who was a little pink-cheeked now. Clearly this had been on her mind for a while, and now she’d put it into words Sam rose from her seat and walked out of his office.
He stood, looking out at the lake. It was the same view that usually helped him think through any difficulty that arose, but right now it wasn’t helping.
Falling for the Brooding Doc Page 15
