Our Own Private Universe

by Robin Talley

  “I wish you two would get over whatever issue you have,” he said. “I know girls are always dramatic about every little thing, but—”

  “Shut it, Jake,” Lori and I said in unison.

  I couldn’t help giggling. Lori did, too.

  I quickly made myself stop. I wasn’t just going to pretend things were normal between Lori and me again. Besides, she still needed to end things with Carlos, pronto.

  “Also,” Lori added, “I think we should have a vote after the debate’s over. Have everyone tally up where they stand on all the issues.”

  “That would be cool,” Jake said. “We could share the results with the conference delegates.”

  “Actually,” I said, an idea forming in spite of my annoyance, “maybe we could have two votes. One before the debate and one after. So we could see how many people change their minds when they hear the arguments.”

  “Hey, that would rock,” Lori said. Jake nodded vigorously.

  It turned out all of us had a lot of ideas. Gina and the Harpers Ferry girls, too. Jake wrote it all down, filling a notebook he’d bought at the campus bookstore with our plans and ideas. By the end of lunch, we’d agreed that Jake and I would be masters-of-ceremonies during the debate, so we’d be in charge of introducing everyone, and that Lori, Gina, Hannah and Olivia would help with the setup.

  I didn’t love the idea of MCing—I hated public speaking, after all—but Jake flat out refused to do it by himself, and anyway, I wouldn’t have to actually talk that much. All I had to do was say some people’s names every couple of minutes. My own speech on health care would be a lot harder, but I’d put off thinking about that for now. Instead we spent most of lunch coming up with ideas for how to run the event to make sure all the debaters would have a fair shot at making their case.

  It was weirdly fun, planning it all out. In fact, except for my time with Christa, that taco lunch was the most fun I’d had since I’d left Maryland.

  Our break was over, so I gathered up everyone’s trash and carried it over to the recycling bins at the edge of the picnic area. When I turned around to go back to the stadium, I saw Lori watching me from the table. We locked eyes. For a second I thought she was going to come over. Maybe she’d apologize for being so obstinate. Or maybe I’d apologize to her, for real this time, for what I’d told Christa.

  Then her aunt Miranda called my name, waving, and all bets were off. Miranda was walking straight toward me with a determined look on her face.

  There was no way this was going to be good.

  “There you are, Aki!” Miranda fanned her face with a flyer for that morning’s concert. It had a big picture of the singer, his hands bent in prayer. He looked like just as much of a tool in the photo as he had on the big screen. “I’ve been trying to get you alone so we could have a talk. Since you promised to come find me the other night.”

  Her voice was pointed, teasing, but I didn’t want to deal with her right now. “It’s lovely to see you, Aunt Miranda.”

  “Enough of that. I’m going to cut right to the chase with you, Aki. We’ve always been honest with each other, isn’t that right?”

  “Uh.” I shoved my hands in my pockets, twisting my wrist to make sure the heart Christa had drawn on my arm was covered. “Yeah, of course.”

  “Good. Because I’m going to be frank with you. I’ve gotten the sense that you’ve been exploring your sexuality this summer, and I want you to know, I’m here anytime you need to talk. No judgments, just straight talk. Well, in a manner of speaking.” She tittered.

  Exploring my sexuality? Oh, God, was I that obvious?

  “I don’t know what you mean, Aunt Miranda,” I said, trying with every ounce of energy I possessed to keep a blank face.

  “It’s all right, honey. As I said, no judgments.”

  “That’s great, but—” I edged around her. “There’s nothing to judge. I mean, I’m not—doing anything.”

  She nodded. “Of course you’re not. Listen, baby, I know it’s tough when you’re away from home. I know you miss having your momma to talk to. Your daddy, well, he’s your daddy. It’s not the same. But since you can’t talk to Momma right now, I want to make sure you understand you can always talk to Aunt Miranda.”

  God, she was so embarrassing. I was so tempted to say, “You’re not my aunt, you know.” Instead I put on my best fake smile and said, “Thanks. I definitely will if there’s anything I need to talk about.”

  “Good.” She nodded again. “I know when you’re in high school, a lot of the time it feels as though you need to have everything figured out right away. But I’ll let you in on a secret. Us adults, most of us still don’t have it all figured out. So when you’re struggling with something, well, I want you to know that it’s okay to struggle.”

  Aunt Miranda was such a hippie-dippie. “Okay. Thanks.”

  “All right. I now release you from the burden of talking to me.” She laughed again. “I know you’ve got someplace better to be.”

  She was right. Everyone else was already in the stadium by now. If someone had taken my seat next to Christa, I was going to have to kill them. “See you later.”

  I ran down the path toward the stadium entrance, but as I did, I couldn’t help glancing back at Aunt Miranda. She was watching me, her lips pursed. I wondered how much she knew. I wondered if she’d ever so much as kissed a girl herself. Maybe. She’d never gotten married, and she’d probably been even more hippified in her youth.

  Either way, I wished she didn’t know. I had to work on being less obvious.

  “Aki. Hey.”

  I sighed and turned around. I knew that voice better than anyone’s. “Hi, Lori.”

  I glanced toward the gate. There were only a few other people still out here. All I wanted was to go back into the bleachers and sit next to Christa. But Lori had a look on her face that meant she absolutely must say something. “Sorry about my aunt. Was she being nosy?”

  “Oh my God. It was so embarrassing.”

  “I know. She’s getting worse. She asked me the other day if I was thinking about ‘losing my virginity.’” Lori made air quotes, giggling. She was acting almost normal. It was strange.

  “What did you tell her?” I asked.

  “First I told her the truth. Just to see the look on her face.” Lori snickered. “Then I told her I was only joking.”

  “Wait. What truth?”

  Lori only raised her eyebrows.

  “Lori.” I stared at her. “Did you really—with Carlos?”

  “Well. I mean...” Lori’s smile faltered. “That was the plan, right? A summer fling?”

  “Lori. He’s married.”

  Her smile was gone now. “You don’t get to judge me.”

  “I’m not judging you, I’m only—” I stopped. “Okay, you know what? I am judging you. You seriously want this to be how you remember your first serious relationship? With a guy you barely even know, who you can’t tell anyone about, who couldn’t be with you for real even if he wanted to?”

  Lori’s face froze. “You’re one to talk.”

  I sucked in a breath. “Shut up.”

  “No, you shut up. Look, it doesn’t always work out for everyone exactly how it does for you, all right? I know all you care about anymore is yourself and your little wannabe-girlfriend, but out here us regular people are doing the best we can, okay?”

  My little wannabe-girlfriend?

  “Um, all right.” I crossed my arms over my chest. “Why did you come over here to talk to me? Earlier I was thinking maybe you’d finally gotten over yourself, but clearly that’s not the case.”

  “I don’t remember, but whatever it was, I’ve definitely changed my mind. Have a nice life.”

  She turned to go. I’d never felt so frustrated.

  “You
have a nice life, too!” I yelled after her. She flipped me off without looking back.

  In that moment I couldn’t remember anything I’d ever liked about Lori.

  But I couldn’t let her get to me. That was what she wanted—to get under my skin. She wasn’t going to win this one, though. I’d put her out of my mind for good.

  Besides. I had other things to think about.

  CHAPTER 19

  That afternoon lasted about fifty million years.

  Christa and I sat together in the bleachers again, but this time instead of listening to a concert we had to pay attention to some minister. He’d preach for a while on the big screens, then make us divide into groups and do activities. One time we had to role-play talking to a friend at school about how Jesus would save them. At our churches back home we didn’t really do these kinds of things, so it was hard to take it seriously. Christa and I wound up in a group with Rodney and Sofía. We spent the whole time making up our own lyrics to the songs the band had played that morning. Rodney changed the lines to the song about following the Lord into the wilderness so they were about following the Black Panther into Wakanda, and we were all laughing so hard we almost got in trouble with the chaperones.

  All afternoon I longed to touch Christa, but the lights were too bright. There was too much movement around us. I wished all of it would disappear until there was no one but us.

  When the last activity finished and the minister led us in a final prayer, my mind chanted instead, Almost. We’re almost finished. Almost ready for tonight to start.

  Then the minister said, so slowly I wanted to throttle him, “Amen. Praise be to God. Now you’re all invited to join us for a barbecue supper on the—”

  By then everyone was already jumping out of their seats, Christa and me fastest of all. The idea of barbecue made my stomach rumble, but I wanted to be alone with her more than I wanted food.

  “Should we try to meet up with people?” I asked her as we pressed through the crowd surging down the aisles. “Are you hungry?”

  “Nah. Let’s just head back.”

  It was exactly what I was hoping she’d say.

  The stadium wasn’t that far from our dorm, but the campus was big, so it was still a hike. The lawn was packed with people, the way it had been the night before. This time I didn’t stop to look around, though. I was on a mission.

  Christa must’ve felt the same way. She was walking just as fast, her purse swinging from her hand. She’d tied her cardigan around the handle, so her arms were bare under the sleeves of her T-shirt.

  She was so pretty. She kept looking over at me and smiling as we walked, and I kept smiling back.

  I wanted to jump up and down when we first caught sight of our dorm, then again when the elevator doors opened onto our floor. While Christa fumbled around for the room key, I wished I could kiss her right there in the hallway. I hated having to worry about stupid things, like people seeing us.

  As soon as we got inside, though, the waiting was over, and everything was perfection. I kissed the back of her neck while she was still locking the door behind us. She turned around, grinning, and kissed me back. I was so wound up I couldn’t think straight. I pressed her back against the door, wrapping my arms around her waist.

  “Come on,” she whispered, taking my hand and pulling me toward the bed. That was when this room became our entire world.

  A thousand years ago, when I first met Christa, I used to think of everything we did as something for the tally. I used to have all these different labels. First base. Second base. Hooking up. Whatever.

  It was all about checking things off a list. Sometimes I didn’t even think about whether I was ready for them or not. All I cared about was going forward.

  That seemed ridiculous now that I knew what it meant to be with someone and have it really matter. It wasn’t about what you did or how far you went on a stupid imaginary list. What mattered was what you felt.

  Tonight, I wanted to feel everything. Tonight, I was ready.

  I followed Christa, watching the way her body moved as she walked. I loved the curves of her hips and her legs. She turned around, caught me looking at her, and gave a self-conscious shrug. She leaned back, laced her fingers through mine and kissed me softly on the lips. I kissed back just as softly.

  We sank onto the bed. I ran my hands up and down her back and sides, feeling the warmth of her skin through the fabric of her T-shirt and denim skirt. She kissed me all over my face, her lips trailing down to my neck, down to the neckline of my T-shirt.

  We kissed, and kissed, and then she broke off and pulled my shirt over my head. I reached for the hem of her skirt, summoned my courage and pulled it all the way up. She wriggled out of it and tossed it aside, throwing her T-shirt off with it. She lay on her side in her bra and underwear. Matching white lace. I stared at her. I couldn’t believe how beautiful she was.

  Before I knew it was happening, I’d said it out loud.

  “I can’t—” My lips caught on the words. “I can’t believe how beautiful you are.”

  “You are, too,” she whispered, reaching for my shorts. I let her unzip them and pull them down. I kicked them off and tried not to feel embarrassed as she looked at me. My underwear wasn’t as nice as hers, but she didn’t seem to mind. She ran her hand up and down my side lightly. It tickled. I tried not to laugh.

  She kissed my breasts over my bra. I rolled onto my back, and she leaned over me, running her hand over my stomach and down to my hip. I slid my hand under her bra. She made a sound somewhere between a hmm and a mmm that made me want to never stop touching her.

  Christa kissed my neck and unhooked my bra. I slipped out of it, then I unfastened hers and pulled it off, too. We held each other, skin to skin, breath to breath.

  “I kind of can’t deal with how I feel right now,” I whispered. This time, too, I hadn’t meant to say anything before I spoke. I dipped my head into the crook of her shoulder so she wouldn’t see how flushed I felt.

  “I know exactly what you mean,” she whispered.

  I pulled back and looked at her. There were tears in her eyes.

  I couldn’t believe this was real. I couldn’t believe this was my life right now.

  I leaned in to kiss her, tasting tears. I kissed across her cheek to her ear and down to her neck. She clasped the back of my head to press me against her.

  I kissed her breasts, moving my hands up and down her sides, her hips, her legs, squeezing her gently through her underwear. She squirmed against me, pressing up into my hand. I tugged her underwear down, bending to kiss her stomach. She was shaking. I was, too. I pulled her underwear down past her ankles and she kicked them off.

  She was naked underneath me. I’d never felt anything like this. The incredulity, the apprehension, the desperate need for more, more, more.

  I kissed her stomach down to her hip. She was shaking so hard I could feel the mattress rocking below us. My hand trembled as I reached over to the desk.

  I found the box of dental dams and pulled one out. It was sealed up in some sort of wrapper, so I tried to rip it. It wasn’t easy. My hands were shaking, too. But I got the wrapper open and a thin, soft sheet of what looked like plastic or rubber came out. It was flat and light pink, but I could see through it. I was expecting something closer to a condom, but this was much simpler. I could see how it was supposed to work, though.

  I was more nervous than I’d ever been in my life as I moved back between Christa’s legs. She’d bent one knee up off the bed a little. She was so astonishingly gorgeous.

  I spread out the dam. The instructions said to hold it in place with my fingers, so I did that, and then I lowered my lips to her.

  Touching her through the dam, I quickly realized, wasn’t so different from touching her through her underwear, except that I was using my mouth
instead of my fingers. The dam tasted like smooth thin rubber with a very faint twinge of plasticky fruit, but I forgot about that fast as Christa’s hand clamped onto the back of my neck.

  I didn’t know what exactly to do, so I just moved my tongue and my lips around, trying different things. She wound her fingers through my braids, the way she did sometimes when we kissed. But this was so, so different from kissing.

  Because this was it. Maybe what we’d already been doing qualified as sex—I didn’t know—but I knew for sure that this was the real thing. For so long I’d wondered if this would ever really happen for me, and what it would be like if it did.

  Then I stopped thinking. I lost track of time. My whole world was Christa.

  Eventually, I figured out that there were some things I did that elicited new sounds from her, and some that made her tug on my hair until it hurt. I figured that was a good sign, so I tried to do those things more often. She started breathing faster. I kept doing what I was doing, wondering how I would know when it was time to stop.

  Then, right when my jaw was starting to ache, she pulled back. I climbed up, crumpling up the dam like a tissue and tossing it over the side of the bed.

  Christa’s chest rose and fell sharply as I lay down beside her on the pillow. She leaned over to kiss me, but I felt weird kissing her on the lips after that, so I kissed her neck instead.

  We rolled over to lie on our sides, facing each other. I’d never felt so close to her. Before I had time to think about that, though, Christa was tugging my underwear off, none too gently. Then she was moving down, kissing my breasts and my stomach, rolling me onto my back.

  Things got kind of hazy after that.

  I remember her kissing me, her lips running over my stomach and my thighs. I remember her reaching toward the box on the desk and fumbling with a wrapper. I remember how shocking it was, the first time I felt her mouth on me. How it seemed so strange, the idea that she was choosing to do this, to me, out of all the people in the world.

  I didn’t know how long it lasted. It was a mixture of every feeling there was. Affection and tension and boldness and awkwardness and freedom and anxiety and pure, straight-up joy. I was ready to explode from it all.