by Diane Adams
He stripped Alex the rest of the way out of his jeans and boxers with practiced hands, and returned to his place between his thighs with a hum of pleasure. The slide of their cocks was a familiar caress of satin encased steel. Jared felt the pulse of his lust with every beat of his heart. He braced over Alex, struggling for control, determined to pleasure him first.
Jared wanted to drive him to heights of passion that would leave him sated and boneless, relaxed in a way Jared knew had eluded Alex for weeks. With that goal in mind, he mapped Alex's body with his eyes, smiling with smug satisfaction when he quaked with anticipation. Jared leaned and nibbled along his collarbone, causing him to shiver under the contact with a quiet gasp. With a growl of satisfaction Jared moved on licking and biting his way down Alex’s chest. The lube Alex tried to press into his hand caught him by surprise. It wasn’t like Alex to skip straight to intercourse. He loved foreplay so much sometimes Jared thought he liked it best.
Worried his illness may have triggered more than Alex’s brief struggle with his self-confidence, Jared looked up to meet his gaze. "Alex?"
The shadow haunting Alex’s eyes was more troubling than his nonsense about aging. Uncertain of his state of mind, Jared reluctantly closed his fingers around the tube.
"I need you now, Jared, please." Breathless, Alex tugged at him. "We can play next time."
Jared couldn’t resist such a plea. Heat coiled in his belly at the idea of being inside him, and his hard-won control slipped another notch. Bracing a forearm on the pillow beside Alex's head, Jared leaned down for a kiss, at the same time slipping a well-lubed hand between them. Alex gasped and spread his legs, his heels digging into the mattress.
"That's good," Jared whispered, pulling back to watch his face when he pressed a slick finger inside.
Alex gazed at Jared through half-closed eyes, his body a tense line of anticipation as he waited for him to continue. Jared ignored the need burning through him, to gauge Alex's reaction, watching closely for any indication of pain or discomfort. Seeing no sign of anything but Alex's hunger, evidenced by his impatient shifting against the sheets, Jared added the stretch of a second finger.
"Jared." Alex moaned and clutched his shoulders. His hips moved in rhythm with the slow glide of Jared's fingers. A third finger joined the others. He gasped, arching off the bed.
"Oh, God. Jared." His head fell back, baring his throat, fingers digging deep into the muscles of Jared's arms.
Heart racing, Jared ran his teeth along the taut tendon in Alex's exposed neck, and Alex quaked under him. After so many years together, he didn't have to be told when Alex was ready. He ignored the grumbled half-hearted protest when his fingers eased free of his body, and shifted position to kneel between his thighs. Slicking his cock with long slow strokes, Jared trembled under the touch of his own hand. That, combined with the sight of Alex spread out under him, almost snapped his remaining restraint. He clenched his teeth, the muscles in his jaw bunched and jumped.
"Not going to last." His gaze raked over Alex from head to groin. "God, you're so hot."
With a wicked grin, Alex edged his legs up Jared's thighs until they wrapped around his waist.
Jared whimpered when Alex wrapped his fingers around Jared's, tightening his hold on his cock and urged him to stroke faster. Their eyes locked, Jared grasped the back of Alex's straining thighs and pushed them against his chest. Panting, sweat beading his skin, he pressed forward, breaching Alex’s body in a slow steady movement that didn't end until he bottomed out. Buried to the hilt, Jared let go of his legs to brace his hands on the pillow on either side of his head. With a soft grunt, he clenched his eyes shut, his hands fisting in the pillow as he struggled for an ounce of restraint.
Alex went perfectly still under him. "Does it hurt?"
"Yes, but not the way you mean." His voice rough, Jared didn’t give him time to protest. "You're still thinking too much." He cupped the back of his head, fingers threading through the persistent curls and brought Alex's mouth to his in a bruising kiss.
Alex grabbed his arms and a moan of pure ecstasy escaped his parted lips as Jared withdrew in a single smooth motion before burying himself in the welcoming heat once more. He slid his cock over Alex's prostate with a practiced motion that made him shudder and gasp for air. Jared gentled their kiss. His languid licks into Alex’s mouth belied the fire of need burning low in his belly. Determination alone kept him from pounding the body under his into the mattress as he loved Alex with every touch against his skin, and each stroke into his body. Before long he’d reduced his husband to a quivering wreck, each exhale a ragged plea for more.
The heat of Alex's body gripping him, coupled with his intense reaction, undid Jared. His gentleness burned away in the raw need that consumed them. Kisses bruised, teeth bit, and hands grabbed.
Jared pounded into his body, and Alex’s legs edged higher, locking around his ribcage. Heat curled his toes, bringing alive every nerve in his body as he thrust into Alex.
"Touch yourself," Jared panted. "Now."
Obediently Alex wrapped his fingers around his cock and settled into the familiar motion between them, his hand brushing Jared’s belly with each frenzied movement. The feel of Alex tensing under him as he approached completion drove Jared over the edge. He thrust hard into him a once more and back arched, muscles quaking, he shouted his release.
Coming down from his own high, Jared rested his forehead on Alex's, breathing his air. He knocked Alex's hand away from his cock, closed his own around it with a tight grip and a flick of his thumb he knew drove Alex crazy. A second stroke paired with a well-timed twist and Alex cried out, shuddering as his dick jerked and cum painted Jared's chest. Alex clutched him, as he shuddered against him in the aftermath of his release.
Jared made a soft pleased sound and caught Alex's mouth in a gentle kiss, stroking his softening dick, easing him down. He murmured nonsense words into their kiss in an effort to soothe and comfort him. Alex's trembling faded and his tongue licked into Jared's mouth, sliding against his with familiar ease. They remained joined as their heartbeats slowed and their breathing quieted, but when the adrenaline rush from their love making faded, Jared's arm trembled from the strain of bearing his weight. He broke the kiss and of course Alex identified the problem immediately.
"Damn it, Jared." Alex pushed at him. "Lie down."
Jared reached to uncouple them, unable to suppress the moan of regret at being separated from Alex. He didn’t move away at once, remaining in the warm cradle of his thighs. He braced his traitor muscles to enjoy a few more seconds covering his husband.
"Jared." Alex’s tone threatened dire repercussions if he didn’t follow instructions.
"Shhh." Jared attempted to placate him with a pat on his hip, but Alex didn't relax until he eased onto the bed. Unwilling to let Alex go, he urged him onto his side and pulled him close. Jared spooned behind Alex, and the simple embrace felt like coming home in a way nothing else had.
"We need to clean up," Alex commented but he didn't move.
"Later." Jared didn’t want to get up and wasn't entirely sure he could if he tried. His hand slid up through the cooling cum on Alex's chest and he nuzzled the dark curls at the back of his neck. Shot with gray in the light of day, they were as dark as those of a boy in the shadowed room, reminding Jared of Alex's question.
"Do I miss the boy? How silly are you?"
An embarrassed shrug indicated Alex's need for such reassurance had fled. Relieved, Jared pressed a kiss to the back of his neck, hand moving to cup Alex's hip, fingers pressing into the tattoo of their names imprinted on the tender skin.
"We'll be together forever, I promise."
At his words Alex sighed happily, and covered Jared's hand with his own. Satisfied all his worries had been sidelined, Jared entwined their fingers and tangled their legs. Sleep tugged at him. Cleaning up would have to wait until he had some energy. He let go of Alex's hand long enough to pull the blanket over them. Alex snuggled clo
ser without protest.
Jared smiled, pressed warm lips against his ear. "I want to grow old with you."
He gave a sleepy laugh. "I think we've already done that."
"You haven't seen anything yet. I'm just getting started."
Alex sighed, content. His breathing deepened as he slid towards sleep.
Jared squeezed his hand. "I love you."
The only evidence Alex heard came in the slight hitch in his breathing and the way he melted back against him, warm and trusting.
His face buried in Alex's soft hair and surrounded by his scent, Jared swallowed against the emotion choking his throat. "God, how I love you."
Alex breathed deep, already sleeping, he missed the unprecedented repeat declaration of Jared's affection, but he didn't care. The warmth of their love spread through him, a therapeutic solace that gave him everything he needed to finish healing. Their love always had been enough, no matter what.
The Look in Your Eyes
Jared eyed the tense line of Alex's body. His back to Jared, he stared out the window watching the snow fall. Jared didn't doubt that he stood there wrapped not only in the dark gray sweater that had become his armor, but also in memories of the day exactly a year ago, two weeks after Alex's thirty-first birthday, when fire changed their lives. Jared recalled with painful clarity the easy companionship they'd shared before he left for work that day. The last time he flirted back with him like an equal. The last time his lover hadn't flinched away from his touch.
"Go to work, Jared. I'm fine." Alex didn't turn around.
The most likely scenario for getting to hold him had become hugging him from behind, but Jared kept his distance. Alex would allow it, but he wouldn't relax and Jared didn't know if he could withstand another rejection. Alex wiped the fog of his breath off the window pane and continued to gaze out at the snow.
"If I leave, you'll spend the entire day brooding. Your surgeon released you last week; it's time to start thinking about the future." Jared's spirits flagged when Alex's arms tightened around his waist, the set of his shoulders unchanging.
Jared's gaze slid away from him to take in their surroundings. The apartment contained little but the bare essentials. A sofa. Alex's recliner, where he'd spent hours recovering from what seemed like endless medical procedures. In Jared’s mind, that chair, large enough for only one, underscored his unwillingness to let Jared close.
He sympathized with Alex. The events the day of the fire had been traumatic. Jared’s memory of coming home and finding their house ablaze, flames reaching for the sky despite the Fire Department's efforts to put it out, could still fill him with horror. Alex's car and Clark's truck had been parked in the driveway, with no sign of either man. The certainty he had been inside when the stove exploded came close to immobilizing Jared. The discovery that neither man had died in the blaze hadn’t erased the terror he'd suffered during the excruciating minutes before he knew their fate. Alex's fate. A year later the memory of that debilitating panic fed his nightmares where things did not always turn out alright.
Clark had suffered singed eyebrows, a flash burn that made him look like the first cousin of a lobster for a while, and second degree burns on his palm all acquired saving Alex's life. Jared had learned later that Clark had pulled into the driveway moments after the explosion to find the back of the house in flames. He'd searched frantically for Alex, locating him when Clark stumbled over a pile of stuff outside the bedroom window. A glance inside revealed Alex wasn't trying to get out. He didn't respond to Clark shouting his name and so Clark had gone in through the window just in time to race across the room and reach around Alex to slam the bedroom door shut before Alex could pull it all the way open. Flames, eager for fresh oxygen, had roared through the narrow opening, and except for Clark's instinctive reaction, they both would have died.
Alex had been burned more severely in the rush of fire. He used his right hand to shield his face, and suffered third degree burns on the back from his fingertips to wrist. His right cheek, jaw, and neck had the same degree of damage. Second and first degree burns covered almost half his body, less serious injuries, but they contributed to the danger of infection and dehydration.
Their home burned. Jared and Alex had lost everything but the few things Alex had managed to shove out the window before he'd tried his ill-advised attempt to access the rest of the house. Jared glanced at the boxes Alex pushed out into the snow a year before. They stood stacked against the wall, untouched since they'd moved in. Their wooden memory boxes, and a cardboard container filled with Alex's early building designs and a few pieces of art he'd tried his hand at over the years.
Sixteen years.
Once, their future happiness seemed written in stone. Jared never imagined anything could bring them to their current impasse. Suffering from depression brought on by the fire and his injuries, Alex seemed frozen in time and unable to leave the tragedy behind him.
Jared had tried to take the first step towards the future by renting a furnished apartment for them. He imagined after Alex's release from the hospital, they'd snuggle in and make a temporary nest while they waited out the last of his physical therapy and plastic surgery. Jared hadn't anticipated his severe withdrawal. They'd survived the last year through sheer determination, but the act of doing so had created a gulf between them Jared hadn't found a way to bridge.
The apartment looked like they'd moved in the week before. There were no other boxes sitting around simply because there hadn't been anything to unpack, but the bleak décor looked more like a hotel room than a home. Jared knew austere surroundings weren't good for Alex. He needed… Jared's shoulders slumped with defeat. For the first time in their relationship, he didn't know what Alex needed, but he doubted their impersonal living space helped either of them.
Giving in to his need to be close, regardless of Alex's reaction, Jared crossed the space between them, wrapped him in his arms. He didn't respond, but he didn't move away and over the last months Jared had learned to take what he could get.
He pressed a kiss into Alex's dark hair. "Have you started drawings for the new house?"
"Poked at it some. Not really inspired." Alex's voice sounded rough. It hadn't recovered fully from the smoke and heat damage.
After a year Jared thought he might never sound the same as he had before the fire, but he didn't mind the husky rasp. He thought it sounded sexy. Alex didn't agree. How he sounded became one more thing adding to his withdrawal.
"We can use the old plans. Or stay here."
Alex's shrug said he didn't think it made a difference.
Unexpectedly, Jared found himself in a silent wrestling match with his temper.
Crossing Alex's boundaries for the first time, Jared gripped his shoulders and turned him around. "Look at me."
Alex's gaze fixed on his chin. Desperate to reconnect Jared cupped his face and tilted it back until their eyes met. "Talk to me." His fingers moved in an instinctive caress of Alex's cheek.
The incisions from his plastic surgery had healed completely, but the thin scars had yet to fade, though the surgeon promised they would with time. The prickle of the beard growing in to disguise the sensitive red marks along his jaw and down his neck felt foreign to Jared, but he'd get used to both. He felt less hopeful about the empty look in Alex's eyes and his failure to respond to his caress.
"Talk about what? I'm fine. You're fine. Everything's great." He made no effort to hide the apathy in his voice.
Jared tightened his fingers against his face, and his heart clenched painfully at the indifference in the words. "No, everything is not fine. Tell me what to do. Help me fix this. I don't know how to help you."
Alex stepped back, pulling away from his touch. "I don't know if you can help, if anything can."
Jared traced his remaining scars with his gaze. They'd used a skin expansion technique to repair the third degree burns on his face, neck, and the back of his right hand. Alex had gone into the procedure laughing about being
turned into a human balloon to preserve his beauty. The lengthy process of stretching his skin to get the flaps necessary to cover the damage had leached away his good humor. When the procedure temporarily disfigured him, he refused to leave their apartment except for visits to the doctor. He stopped seeing anyone but Jared and had withdrawn completely by the end.
Alex's therapist and his surgeon assured Jared the reclusiveness and depression were not uncommon and he would bounce back once the treatment ended. So far that hadn't happened. Jared wondered if the antidepressants they treated Alex with were helping, because if they were, he didn't want to know what would happen to Alex without them. Sometimes he seemed so morose Jared worried every second they were apart, terrified he'd return home to find him in bed with a razor. Jared struggled to understand. He hadn't ever been vain, and the surgery had returned him closer to his pre-fire appearance than either of them expected. They'd had a tough year, Alex's had been harder than tough, but they had made it and Alex's inability to cope frustrated Jared.
"We can't go on like this." The look on Alex's face made Jared wish he could snatch the words back, keep him from hearing them. Alex pulled the sweater closer around him. The bulk helped hide how thin he'd gotten. The last time Jared saw him without a shirt, his ribs and the bones of his spine were clearly visible. No longer secret Braille to be read by the whisper of Jared's fingers against his skin, they could be counted from across the room. That day Jared began to fear, despite Alex surviving the fire, he might be lost after all.
"I need space, time…" Alex stared at the wall over Jared's shoulder.
The vague dread Jared had been living with took form and chilled him. "You're leaving?" The thought stole his breath, leaving him barely able to form the words.
Looking surprised and then remorseful, Alex shook his head, though he didn't move any closer to Jared. "No, of course not. I didn't mean that. I'm not ready."
Puzzled, Jared resisted the urge to reach for him. "Not ready for what?"
